Lily looked up. She was lying on her bed, staring dreamily at the ceiling and thinking about the wonderful night she just spent with James Potter.
“Yes?”
“What are you thinking about?” asked Lily’s best friend Anna.
“James,” Lily said with a smile, turning over.
“Of course,” she said. “You know who else is really hot? Sirius Black.”
Lily ignored the fact that British people don’t use the word ‘hot’ and opened her eyes. “Yeah, I guess he’s okay.”
“And you know who else?” asked Lily’s other best friend, Krystal, said. “Remus Lupin.”
“He’s not my type,” said Lily.
“Let’s go visit them!” said Anna in a perky voice.
Anna, Krystal and Lily all went down to the common room where James, Sirius and Remus were sitting in overstuffed chairs by the fire. Remus had his nose buried in a book and had a large bar of Honeydukes chocolate sitting on the side table beside him.
“Hey, James,” Lily said, sitting in James’s lap.
James and Lily started snogging immediately while Anna and Krystal turned their attention to Sirius and Remus.
“Hey, sexy,” Sirius said to Anna, standing up. A few girls in the back of the common room fainted.
“Hey,” she said back.
“You don’t seem to be fainting because of my overwhelming good looks and sexiness!” cried Sirius. “What’s happening?”
“Nothing,” said Anna quietly. “Now shut up and kiss me.”
“Okay,” said Sirius, leaning in and kissing her.
Lily looked up and saw her best friend and her other best friend snogging Sirius and Remus respectively. She shrugged as if this was normal, as it happens in many fanfics, and continued kissing her boyfriend.
Peter looked around the corner, saw a large Fanged Frisbee flying at him, and promptly wet his pants.
“OKAY, ENOUGH!” cried Harry. “THESE ARE MY PARENTS KISSING, YOU REALISE. I AM VERY ANGRY AND ANNOYED WITH THIS AND YOU’D BETTER FIND A WAY TO GO BACK, HERMIONE, OR ELSE I’LL GET EVEN ANGRIER AND CURSE YOU!”
“Oh my!” said Hermione hurriedly, as even the thought of Harry becoming angrier was frightening.
“MY WEEKLY DUEL WITH VOLDEMORT IS SCHEDULED FOR NINE O’CLOCK TONIGHT AND I’D BETTER NOT MISS IT! YOU KNOW VOLDEMORT, HE’LL COME MURDER ME IN MY SLEEP! HE’S EVEN ANGSTIER THAN I AM!” Harry yelled.
Hermione pulled out the time-turner she always kept with her even though she supposedly gave it back in her third year and turned it around the appropriate number of times. Suddenly, Ron, Hermione and Harry were tumbling around, watching the castle spin before their eyes…
Harry sat with Ginny by the lake, watching the sun set over the lake. The giant squid poked his head out of the water and said hello before sinking down to the depths to commence his sleep for the night.
“Harry?” Ginny asked, looking up at him. Her head was resting on his lap, and she was lying down.
“YES?” he asked somewhat angstily.
“Don’t be so angsty with me,” she said gently. “I was thinking about the children we’re going to have in the future.”
“WELL,” said Harry, “I THINK WE SHOULD GIVE THEM ORIGINAL NAMES. YOU KNOW, SOMETHING SPECIAL. AND OF COURSE, WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A GIRL AND A BOY.”
“Yes,” Ginny agreed. “We should name them… Lily and James.”
“WOW, THAT IS SO ORIGINAL!” Harry said happily. “I THINK THAT’S PERFECT. WHEREVER DID YOU THINK OF THAT?”
“It just came to me,” said Ginny with a nonchalant shrug. “I know I’m smart. I’m also beautiful, popular and witty. Boy, are you lucky I forgot my twenty other boyfriends to be with you.”
Harry and Ginny snogged in the moonlight as the giant squid slept down at the bottom of the lake.
“Attention!” cried Dumbledore at breakfast in the Great Hall. “Everyone, I’d like to have your attention.”
The Great Hall quieted, the murmur of sleepy breakfast talking fading to a flat silence.
“As I seem to be full of announcements these past few weeks, I would like to make another one. First, Harry Potter has successfully defeated Voldemort in their two-hundred and twenty-fifth duel last night. Let’s all congratulate him!”
Clapping echoed through the Great Hall.
“Five hundred and fifty thousand points to Gryffindor,” said Dumbledore as a large shower of rubies fell into the bottom half of the Gryffindor points hourglass. Groans emerged from the Slytherin table. “My second announcement is that we will be having an inter-house dueling competition right now in honour of Harry’s milestone!”
Cheering erupted through the Great Hall. The tables were immediately cleared away, and the students stood together, watching the runway-like dueling stage with anticipation.
“First up is Potter and Malfoy!” cried Dumbledore.
“No!” screamed Malfoy. “I won’t! I cannot duel anymore. I have a newfound personality and am suddenly sweet and caring. For this reason I will not retaliate or curse Harry.”
“That sounds somewhat familiar,” said Ron thoughtfully.
“Well, we have to have a Gryffindor and a Slytherin duel because that’s the way it’s always done in canon,” reminded Dumbledore. “What should we do?”
“Hufflepuffs are too stupid to duel, anyway!” cried a daring Gryffindor.
“The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second!” interjected a bookish Ravenclaw.
The Sparklypoos took advantage of this flamboyant display of House stereotypes and, in typical Sparklypoo fashion, turned it into a cheer. They waved their pink pompoms and sang:
Ravenclaws are smart
Their noses always stuck in books.
They’re very anti-social,
They don’t care about their looks.
Gryffindors are big and brave,
Nothing stands in their way.
They’re reckless and conceited,
You tick them off, you’ll always pay.
Slytherins are horrible,
They’re dangerous and mean.
Just because they’re Death Eaters’ children,
They’re all on the same team.
Hufflepuffs are stupid,
They fail all their classes.
They’re loyal to everyone they love,
They’re all nice to the masses.
Sparklypoos are perfect
Always save the best for last!
We’re too intelligent for you
Our beauty cannot be bypassed!
Students here are separated
For these predetermined reasons.
They’re like spring, summer, winter and fall
They’re different like the seasons!
The Sparklypoos clapped and cheered once again. They raised their House banner, a large pink one with a white unicorn on the front, and flipped their beautiful hair around casually.
Hermione stomped off, leaving Ron, Harry and Draco drooling quite rudely.
“GIN?”
Harry and Ginny were sitting together in the Gryffindor common room, the hot fire crackling in front of them.
“Yes, Harry?” she asked sweetly, not bothering to tell Harry that no one calls her Gin in canon.
“WELL, GIN, WE CAN’T SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE. SEE, ALTHOUGH I HAVE DEFEATED VOLDEMORT IN VARIOUS DUELS TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE TIMES, I MUST DESTROY HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL.”
“Harry, are you sure?” she asked.
“YES, I AM. HEY, WHY AREN’T YOU ANGRY?” Harry said angstily. “I AM VERY ANGRY AND THEREFORE EVERYONE AROUND ME SHOULD BE TOO. GOODNESS, THE WHOLE WORLD IS JUST FALLING APART AND I HAVE TO SAVE IT. FIRST I HAVE TO KILL VOLDEMORT, AND THEN I HAVE TO SAVE THE WORLD TOO?”
“No, Harry, it’s okay,” Ginny said, trying to comfort the angry Harry.
“NO, IT’S NOT OKAY!” yelled Harry. “LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN GO OBLITERATE DUMBLEDORE’S BELONGINGS AND THROW MYSELF A LARGE PITY PARTY.”
“Okay, fine,” said Ginny angrily. “I have ten other guys on reserve, so I’ll just go date one of them. None of them will be as good as you, though. Bye!”
Ginny ran out of the common room, leaving Harry to throw various nearby objects at passing first-years. One nearly hit Hermione, who gasped.
“Oh, no, ‘Moine!” cried Ron, who had been snogging her. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” she said, brushing off her robes. She looked quite frazzled. “Have you finished the Charms homework yet?”
“No, I’m too stupid to do any homework, remember?” asked Ron. “You do it all for me.”
“Ah, yes, of course,” Hermione remembered as she went back to kissing her one true love and boyfriend.
Hermione retreated to her Head Dorm later that night. She walked in innocently, and there was Draco “ wearing nothing but extremely tight leather pants, once again. He seemed to like them.
“Oh!” she squeaked in surprise. “I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s okay,” Draco said in a drawling voice. He continued to smirk. “My dad gave them to me. He has a matching pair, isn’t that cool?”
“Yes, very,” said Hermione. “They’re quite sexy.”
“I knew you’d think that,” said Draco arrogantly, but sweetly all the same. “Don’t they match my new nice personality?”
“Um, sure,” said Hermione.
“Hermione,” said Draco, stepping closer. “Now that we have confessed our undying love for each other, I have something to say.”
“What?” asked Hermione worriedly.
“My father is horrible to me. I hate him!” he cried, suddenly sobbing and grabbing onto Hermione. “I have had such a tortured childhood, he is so mean! He’s a Death Eater! He wants me to be a Death Eater too, but with my newfound personality I just can’t bring myself to be one. Oh, woe is me!”
“There, there,” Hermione comforted, patting him gently on the back albeit her being quite alarmed. “It’s okay, I’m sure we can sort this out with him.”
“We?” asked Draco, lifting his head. The grey orbs that were his eyes were filled with tears. “Hermione, will you be my wife?”
“Oh, of course, Draco!” Hermione screamed, completely forgetting about Ron and jumping on Draco excitedly. “I love you!”