Draco gazed wistfully out at the beautiful scenery the Hogwarts grounds provided him. “Yes, you have.”
“Oh, of course,” Hermione replied. “My scholastic skills are not currently up to par as I am distracted by your all-consuming good looks and charm.”
“Many girls are,” said Draco arrogantly but sweetly all the same.
“I just have one problem,” Hermione said, looking up at him.
“What?” he asked.
“I have another boyfriend. Ron Weasley. I have just now realised he is my one and only true love and I cannot marry you.”
“No!” Draco cried, standing and hiking up his leather pants. “If I was not so sweet and non-jerk-like, I would go hex Ron into oblivion.”
“But you are extremely sweet and nice,” reminded Hermione, flipping her shiny blonde hair around and batting her long eyelashes.
“Yes,” said Draco. “But how could you do this to me? Now I am alone to face my horrible Death Eater father!”
“It’s okay,” consoled Hermione. “I’m sure you’ll be absolutely fine.”
“No!” cried Draco. “It’s horrible! You don’t understand! Now I will be forced to become a Death Eater just like him. Oh, the pain! Oh, I can’t stand it! Woe is me!”
“RON!”
Ron jolted awake, knocking his head on a light fixture above him.
“What?” he asked groggily, rubbing his head.
“RON, YOU WERE SLEEPING. HOW COULD YOU SLEEP AT A TIME LIKE THIS?” Harry demanded angstily.
“A time like what?” asked Ron slowly, trying to register what day it was.
“TODAY IS MY LAST EVER DUEL WITH VOLDEMORT!” cried Harry. “HE SCHEDULED IT FOR TEN O’CLOCK AT NIGHT EVEN THOUGH I SPECIFICALLY ASKED HIS SECRETARY FOR THE ELEVEN A.M. SLOT! OH, I AM SO ANGRY!”
Harry kicked a large standing lamp and fumed as it crashed into an unsuspecting first-year.
“I’m sure you’ll win,” said Ron with a nonchalant shrug.
“JUST BECAUSE I’VE WON THE LAST TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE TIMES, IT DOESN’T MEAN I’LL WIN THIS ONE!” yelled Harry, his ears smoking. “I AM VERY STRESSED AND ANGSTY RIGHT NOW, SO DON’T PUSH MY BUTTONS!”
“Fine,” said Ron, turning away. “I’m too stupid to help you anyway.”
Just then, Hermione came bursting through the common room door.
“Ron!” she cried, running towards him. “I came to confess my unconditional love for you!”
“Oh good,” said Ron, smiling. “I was just about to do that.”
Harry grumbled angrily as his two friends started kissing.
The Hogwarts grounds were black as night (probably because it was night). The clouds were heavy, their grey forms moving rapidly across the unreachable sky. Harry stood, wand clenched tightly in his hand, in the middle of the dark, grassy fields. The giant squid stayed up to watch the impending fight.
“Harry,” sneered a voice. “The time has come.”
Harry spun around to see Voldemort standing a few feet away. “VOLDEMORT.”
“Yes, it is I,” he replied, his snake-like face becoming even more snake-like. “But soon, you will be no more.”
Harry breathed heavily. He knew what was coming.
“AVADA KEDAVRA!”
Harry moved quickly, the spell missing him by an inch. Voldemort fumed.
“Just you wait “ “ Voldemort started, but his eye caught something else.
The Sparklypoos were skipping towards them, their large white-and-pink banner in their hands. Matching pompoms waving in the air, they sang:
Voldie gave Harry his scar.
They still carry grudges
So duelling on the grounds they are.
Can’t they see it’s silly
To keep fighting all the time?
Do they really need persuasion?
Do they really need this rhyme?
Since all of us are perfect
And we can’t stand to see them duel,
We simply had to interfere
For the safety of the school.
Can’t you two just get along
Like two lifelong friends?
To you really have to make the other
Reach the ultimate end?
The Sparklypoos waited with bated breath.
“Oh, my goodness!” Voldemort cried, throwing his wand in the air. “How could I do this? How could I kill so many people? I am a horrible person. I did all these terrible things just because I was so angsty!”
“I’VE BEEN MUCH TOO PREOCCUPIED WITH VOLDEMORT,” realised Harry. “MAYBE IT CONTRIBUTED TO MY OVERWHELMING ANGSTINESS.”
“See?” asked a blonde, perfect Sparklypoo. “You just need to stop being so angsty. Maybe you two could become friends!” she added ebulliently.
“Harry, will you forgive me for all the killing that I’ve done and be my friend?” asked Voldemort.
“Sure,” answered Harry, letting go of his anger. He realised this is the first time he’d stopped talking in caps lock since he turned thirteen. “Let’s be friends!”
“Harry?”
Harry turned.
“Ginny?”
She ran towards him and hugged him.
“I’ve decided to forgive you,” she said with a smile. “I love you so much, and you were probably under a large amount of stress.”
“Well…” said Harry, unsure of what to do.
“I’ll make you sausages,” offered Ginny with a twinkle in her eye.
“Well, that’s an offer I can’t refuse!” cried Harry happily, picking Ginny up. “I love you!”
They kissed in the moonlight, leaving Voldemort and the Sparklypoos sobbing with happiness.
Harry, Ron and Hermione sat down in a compartment in the Hogwarts Express.
“I can’t believe we’re done school forever,” said Hermione, gazing out the window.
“I know,” said Harry absently.
“Well, at least we’ll all see each other in the fall when we all go to Auror Training School in the United States,” said Hermione optimistically.
“Yes, that’s right,” said Ron. “It seems rather coincidental that we all got in. Especially me, with my extreme stupidity.”
“True, especially since I never exhibited much interest in becoming an Auror. In fact, my worst mark on my O.W.L's was Defence Against the Dark Arts,” said Hermione. “But I’m looking forward to meeting all the Americans.”
“Yes, and all the ones that write fanfics and insert Americanisms,” said Harry.
Hermione and Ron randomly started kissing, and Harry glanced out the window.
Hogwarts was getting smaller and smaller as the train pulled away. He was sad knowing that he would never be back again, but happy knowing how much the school had given to him.
A/N: Sorry that this chapter was so short and not quite as filled with clichés as the others, but the next chapter will be longer. The next chapter will also be the last as there are not many more clichés to mock. Thank you everyone for reading!