Buildings loomed above pedestrians, some over eighty stories high. The blistering heat provided no escape for the people walking on the immensely wide sidewalks. Dogs scampered around, attached by the designer leash to their owners. They were indubitably searching for Central Park as there was not a blade of grass anywhere else.
“So this is New York,” Harry mused, looking around at the busy streets.
“Yes,” said Hermione, glancing up from a large tourist’s map and flipping her long blonde hair around.
“Wait “ who is that?” Ron gasped, pointing up the street at a tall man wearing a huge black coat.
“No!” exclaimed Harry. “It couldn’t be!”
“It’s Sirius!” cried Hermione.
The Golden Trio ran up to him.
“I’ve come to help you defeat Voldemort!” Sirius cried as soon as he saw them. “I have come back from the dead by mysterious and unknown means. But the point is, I’m alive for some reason and I want to help you defeat Voldemort and preferably Bellatrix too.”
“That’s too bad,” said Harry genuinely. “Voldemort and I are good friends now. We made up during The Last Battle and we are no longer angsty. Did you notice? In fact, he and I had tea several times over the summer.”
Sirius gasped. “No!”
“Yes, actually,” said Hermione, smiling and batting her thick eyelashes. “Also, Ron and I got married as we are passionately and deeply in love. Isn’t that totally cool and radical?”
“Fo shizzle,” answered Sirius, joining Hermione in talking in words only Americans would use.
“I thought you would love that I am no longer incredibly angsty. I am now just a regular, irritable kid who happens to have defeated an evil genius two hundred and fifty times.” Harry said.
“I understand,” said Sirius.
The Trio and Resurrected!Sirius then took the subway to Auror Training School, a large building where they would spend the next three years becoming Aurors.
“Wait “ who is that?” Ron gasped.
“Didn’t you already say that recently?” asked Harry confusedly.
“Yes, I did, but I am so stupid that I can only remember a few phrases. For this reason the author is forced to write me incredibly repetitive lines.” Ron scratched his head. “Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Wait “ who is that?”
“It’s… Dumbledore!” cried Hermione.
“It couldn’t be!” exclaimed Harry.
“It is!” said Sirius amazedly.
Dumbledore walked over to them. “Hello, my dear friends. Nitwit! Oddment! Blubber! Tweak!”
“Are you feeling all right, Professor?” Harry asked. “I was under the impression that you were dead. In fact, I happened to see you die.”
“Oh yes, I am perfectly fine,” Dumbledore reassured him. “I just got tired of being dead, that’s all. You know I have borderless powers. I can do absolutely anything I want. Anyway, Sirius, I thought you were dead too. What happened?”
“By some mysterious and unknown force I am alive today,” said Sirius casually. He ran his fingers through his hair. A nearby girl fainted. He grinned as he realized he still had his ability to make girls faint from his dizzying hotness.
“I see,” Dumbledore said, gazing out into space. “You know, I can actually see space. I also adore Pygmy Puffs and Muggle candies. I am also quite old.” With that, he Apparated out of sight.
“Wait “ who is that?” Ron gasped.
“It’s Snape!” cried Hermione.
He was suddenly quite attractive. His hair was still greasy, of course, but for some reason he looked less like canon Snape and more like Alan Rickman.
“Hello,” he said in a deep voice.
“Hello,” said Hermione flirtatiously. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, since Voldemort is no longer incredibly angsty, I have decided to become an Auror. This is all thanks to you, Potter!” Snape threw a nearby book at Harry, who dodged it.
“Calm down, Professor,” said Harry, pushing his glasses up his nose. “I am no longer angsty either. I think it’s time we make up and be friends. Since I am now mates with Voldemort, I see no reason why you and I can’t form an everlasting bond.”
“No, we can’t!” said OOC!Snape, exasperated. “I must remain your enemy so Hermione and I can have a secret relationship and not tell anyone for fear of hatred and ridicule from you.”
“Oh, of course,” said Harry, backing away. “I forgot about that.”
“And I thought I was the only stupid one here!” snorted Ron, surfacing from kissing Hermione.
“RON! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!” cried Harry, spinning around with his wand pointed at Ron.
Ron let out a terrified shriek so high-pitched that even Snape looked at him strangely.
“Harry, no!” cried Hermione. “Remember, you are no longer angsty!”
Harry sighed and pocketed his wand. “I know. But sometimes it’s so hard, you know?”
“I know,” comforted Hermione. “But if Draco could adopt a new sweet, caring personality then you can too. Let’s call it your new, non-angsty personality.”
“Okay,” agreed Harry.
“Well, then,” said Hermione happily. “Let’s “”
Hermione was interrupted by a stampede of perfect girls rushing into the school. Each one was wearing pink and white sweaters with unicorns on them. Matching pom-poms flew everywhere, most landing on Snape’s head. They carried a banner and wore high white go-go boots.
“Again?” said Ron.
They sang:
Please don’t be mistaken.
Our colours are baby pink and white
With which we are clearly taken.
We are not from Hogwarts
Or Beauxbatons, you see.
We are all American,
We live in NYC.
We represent the population
Of pretty Mary-Sues,
Who make up your fair unicorn house
You Brits call Sparklypoo.
They have looks and they have brains,
But no real writing skills,
We’re all their ghost writers
For their cheers to pay the bills!
We are the real Mary-Sues
The cliché you know you love,
There’s a reason people write us.
We’ve got everything that you think of!
“Was there any point in that?” asked Harry.
“No,” said Hermione. “There are merely pretty, popular, amazing dancers, incredibly smart, kind and caring. They just like to showcase their skills and I think the author likes writing these songs. They are rather boring, actually. That’s why Mary-Sues are highly discouraged.”
Ron stared at her with a mix of confusion and awe.
“Hermione.”
She could recognize that voice anywhere, the one so deep it seemed to have its own subwoofer.
“Yes, Severus?” Hermione looked up from a pile of work she was vigilantly doing.
“It seems I have harvested a secret love for you,” Snape said, sitting down beside her. “Is that okay?”
“Okay? It’s wonderful, Severus! I am also in love with you!” She threw her arms around him. “In my eyes you have made an astounding transformation and are suddenly quite attractive.”
“The very same for you,” replied Snape. “Your blonde hair is practically blinding my eyes. I do not want to be blinded, however, because then I would not be able to look at your beautiful brown eyes.”
Hermione swooned at the newly romantic Snape. “What about Ron? What about all my friends? Now that I am beautiful am popular I have many friends, you know.”
“Do not worry, fair maiden,” said Snape. “We shall keep it a secret. Wouldn’t that be exciting?”
“Oh, very,” said Hermione as Snape leaned down to kiss her.
Just as he pulled back, the door banged open.
“Blimey!” cried Ron. “Bloody hell! What do you think you’re doing?”
“I am terribly sorry,” said Snape. “You see, we were planning to keep this a secret.”
“Oh, that explains it then,” said Ron happily.
“Severus, thank you very much and I appreciate everything, but it seems after seeing Ron right this second that I realize I truly love him,” Hermione said, standing up. “Will you ever forgive me?”
“It seems that I am now a pretty forgiving guy,” said Snape casually.
“Oh, thank you!” cried Hermione, throwing her arms around Ron and kissing him passionately.
“I can’t believe we’re graduating,” said Harry at the last person in their graduating class received their diploma.
“I know. I can’t believe I did it because of my extreme stupidity,” stated Ron.
“I did all your work,” reminded Hermione.
“True, true,” Ron said, smiling.
Harry looked at the audience. He saw Ginny sitting in the second row, clapping and smiling. He waved. He looked around and saw Voldemort in the back, obviously angry he didn’t get a good seat. Harry waved and Voldemort waved back, smiling supportively. Sirius and Dumbledore were there too, both of them in the front row, clapping loudly. Dumbledore had a tremendously large pile of candy wrappers beside him.
“Well, this is the end,” Harry said, a tear falling from his left eye. He wiped it away.
“Yes,” Hermione said, leaning over to kiss Ron. He kissed her back.
“Congratulations to our new Aurors!” cried the Headmaster of the school.
They threw their caps in the air.
A/N: *wipes tear away just like Harry* It’s over! What a ridiculous and cliché-filled ride. Thank you all for seeing me along and reviewing my story. I hope you laughed, I sincerely hope you didn’t cry, and if anyone in your house thinks you’re insane from laughing so hard, I’m dreadfully sorry. For a full refund, contact me via my author’s page.
Friendly Warning:If you have read anything you are thinking about writing in this story, it is a cliché and it is probably in your best interest not to write it. This is an anti-example to fanfic writers everywhere. Thank you and use your discretion writing clichés. I certainly have not.