Have you heard of my son Dudley? He owns a very successful youth gym in London. He’s taught a lot of famous boxers and sportsmen. Yes, if not for him they’d probably be loitering about on street corners or doing other nasty things. He’s done quite a lot for those boys and he’s going to be presented with an award for his service to the community. I’m going down to London to be there. Would you like to see a picture of my Dudley?
Yes, there he is. Quite tall and strapping you’ll notice. He takes after his father mostly, but he does have my blonde hair. That woman next to him is his wife, Judith. Very smart woman, she used to teach English at secondary school, but she stopped, of course, to raise a family. That boy right there is my grandson, Vernon, named after my late husband. Looks just like his father, very handsome.
What? The girl next to him? Oh. That’s just his sister Joanne. She’s a year younger. Never see her much. No, I don’t think she takes after me, not at all. Must take after someone in her mother’s family. Would you have for a cup of tea?
Dudley’s son Vernon will be thirteen in October. They have a very nice normal family, the only right kind, if you asked me. No, it’s probably just the photograph; Joanne doesn’t really look like me at all. Not a very good photograph, from years ago. Here’s a better one. Well…yes, I suppose she isn’t in it.
Are you sure you wouldn’t care for a cup of tea?
My husband? Oh, Vernon yes. I do miss him dearly. He died several years ago, you see. Heart attack according to the doctors. Rubbish, my Vernon was healthy as a horse. He was only big boned, my Vernon, runs in the family. He had a sister, Marjorie who was the same size as him. She died too, a couple of years before him. Died in her sleep, poor thing. I miss her very much too. She was like a sister to me really. She raised bulldogs, fine dogs too. Even I will say they were fine dogs, and I don’t particularly care for animals. Nasty, messy things. But no, Marge was a fine dog breeder.
No, I don’t have any siblings myself. Why do you ask?
Oh, of course. Just making friendly conversation. I didn’t mean to snap, sorry. I guess I do miss my husband Vernon, makes me quite emotional sometimes, sorry.
I don’t get visitors very often. My son’s very busy with his own life. Did I tell you how successful his gymnasium is? Keeps him in London quite a bit. I can’t really afford to go down there as often as I’d like to. After my husband died, our finances dwindled some. I always let Vernon be in charge of the money. Wasn’t a woman’s business.
My son Dudley became the Junior Heavyweight Inter-School Boxing Champion of the Southeast when he was fourteen. He was a very famous boxer up until his thirties, when he stopped to open the gymnasium. Are you sure you’ve never heard of him? Oh, I see, not a sportsman type? Quite alright. I suppose not everyone can be. I was never into games myself as a child. As for Vernon Jr., his father thinks he’ll be an excellent boxer. He’s going to Smeltings, like his father and grandfather did. It’s a wonderful school. Turns fine boys in great men. I just know he’ll succeed in life. You can tell just by looking at him.
Ever hear of Smeltings? It’s a fine school not far from London.
Joanne? Why, no she doesn’t go to Smeltings. It’s a boy’s school only. She goes to a school called...er...St. Brutus’s.
Oh, do you have to leave? I suppose it is getting late. Well, please drop by again soon. I don’t really get a lot of visitors. Welcome to Privet Drive by the way. See you soon.
Goodbye.