“No.” Severus Snape stared at the man in front of him. “I cannot do it. I will not do it.”
“Oh, I think you will, Severus,” Albus Dumbledore said. His eyes, that usually were twinkling, were hard. “We need you more than-”
“I cannot do it,” Snape repeated.
“Why not?” Dumbledore peered down at him.
“Because you are the greatest wizard of our time! You are the only one the Dark Lord has ever feared! I can not-”
“You flatter,” Dumbledore interrupted. “But I still, and I always will, stand by what I have told you to do. I expect Narcissa Malfoy to give you a visit. If she asks you to watch over her son and make an Unbreakable Vow, you shall do it.”
Snape did not answer at first. He just gazed over the Hogwarts grounds from the window. “I will not manage to do it,” he said at last, his voice shaking a little.
“Yes, you will! This is important, Severus. You are important. All this information you bring me from him, is highly important. The Order would not know half as much if it wasn’t for you.”
“But you are important too! The world has never seen such a man as you. Such a powerful, intelligent, good man as Albus Dumbledore will be hard to find.”
“You really flatter, Severus. But you have to understand this, though. I am not as important as you are. If you refuse when Narcissa asks, and I am sure she will ask, it will be discovered. You must have every Death Eater’s trust. You have not got it yet at this point, but you cannot lose the trust you have already built. So you will do it.”
And Snape did everything Dumbledore asked for. He created an Unbreakable Vow with Narcissa, he played cool when Bellatrix asked all her questions, he watched over Draco and he continued to spy at Lord Voldemort. It was just the final task he did have problems with. How could he possibly do that? Do that to the man who had welcomed him when he had regretted things? It was simply impossible.
More than once over the upcoming year, the two men had a disagreement. Snape refused to do it, told Dumbledore that he would not hold the Vow anymore. That would be the same as killing himself, but Snape did not care. His life was not that big of a sacrifice compared to what he could save. But no, every time this was brought up, Dumbledore made him continue. Snape was furious with Albus Dumbledore. Why couldn’t he see things from Snape’s point of view? Why couldn’t he see that the last thing Snape wanted to do was that? More than anything else, Severus Snape was furious with himself. He could not betray the only man who had ever shown him real trust, trust that was warm. Trust that wasn’t cold and just expected from him. But it was not exactly a betrayal either, since Dumbledore asked him to do it. But no matter what he told himself, it certainly felt like he was betraying the greatest wizard in the Wizarding World.
And then the day came. The day that Severus had dreaded. The day he would do it; the day he would do what Dumbledore had said he would do.
Death Eaters all over Hogwarts. It was a new situation. The Headmaster was not at Hogwarts and then Voldemort’s followers managed to get in there.
Snape did not do that much; he focused on the upcoming. If he did not make it, he was as good as dead. This was the final task; if he managed it, they would never doubt him again. How could they doubt on him?
And he did it. He was completely disgusted with himself, but he did it. His black eyes were hateful. They had not watered for several years, but there and then he almost cried. He managed to hold it in. It would be a dead give-away if he really cried over what he had done. He hated himself. He could still hear Dumbledore’s words ringing in his ears, “Severus… please…” Snape knew what the words meant. But still, he heard the words as everyone else did. He did not hear it as it was meant, “Severus, please do it. Get over with it.” He heard it as, “Severus, don’t do it, please don’t do.” For a split second, he hesitated. Then he came to his senses. There was no other possibility. If he did not do this, he would be killed, and what he was supposed to do would be happening anyway, so he did not have any choice.
He looked back at this moment for his entire life. He always looked back at what he had done. Sometimes, he could not believe what he had done. Yes, he hated himself for it, but there was no choice but facing the truth; he had killed Albus Dumbledore.
Hating Himself by HermioneG
Chapter Notes: Disclaimer: Not mine. “Severus… please…” is a sentence that's not mine, either. Jo owns it all.