I may have only been in this family for a year, but Merlin’s beard, this boy is a hoot! The food’s not always the greatest, and I swear this one thinks I’m a gnome with wings, but honestly, I feel quite recompensed just watching him go on about his business… always so uptight… It’s like watching dumb little fledglings flapping around, mad at the world because they haven’t figured out how to fly. Anyway, life’s a little easier when the whole world thinks you’re obtuse.
I’m called Hermes around here, but my friends at Eeylops all called me Professor. Goodness, it’s been a while… Actually, it’s only been a few weeks. When Percy sends me out to deliver letters, I take it as my personal liberty to stop off and visit my old friends. And he calls me obtuse… He has never once questioned me!
Still, I haven’t been able to make many extra stops lately. I swear, I don’t know what ambitious funk that kid’s fallen into, but he’s been mailing letters like nothing I’ve ever seen. And speaking of the devil, here’s old Percy now.
Oho, this should be interesting! You’d think someone had ruffled the boy’s feathers, judging from that scowl. Then again, what’s new?
Oh, Merlin’s beard. Not another letter.
“Dearest Penelope,” he reads as he writes. He’s been writing her a fair share of post this summer. I may have no credibility, as I’m not a human or a female, but if I were Penelope, I wouldn’t be particularly pleased to think that every time my sweetheart went to write me a letter, he looked as if he’s taking his NEWTs. I’d be willing to bet a fresh mouse he goes through more drafts than went into writing Hogwarts, A History.
“Our love is like the fresh spring flowers that grow beside the Hogwarts lake,” he reads a little pompously, and then looks deflated as soon as the words leave his lips. I think he must have realized it stunk. Yes, the scowl has returned! And he’s crumpled the piece of garbage and thrown it across the room. Hehehe, he still has a long way to go.
Well, a couple of drafts later, and he’s gone nowhere. Looks like I won’t be busy tonight, after all. “Your eyes,” he starts for the fifth time. “Your eyes… your eyes are…” He is staring off now and looks more than a little drunk. I think the stars in the poor boy’s eyes have about blinded him. “Your eyes are bright… like Mars on the eve of turmoil.” Well, now everything makes sense! I can see how hard it would be to compliment a girl with demon eyes! Poor, poor Penelope…
“Damn it,” Percy swore under his breath, thrusting the last piece of crumpled parchment backwards, nearly knocking me off the dresser. At least he had the decency to discard that one.
Now, you’ve got to understand, I’m used to being thrown around “ I’m hardly a prince in this palace of paupers. And I’m certainly not opposed to a good cursing when the moment’s right, but good little Percy… No, a good Prefect aspiring to be the next Minister shouldn’t be allowed to act so vulgar. You see, it isn’t fitting. And I’m only here to help.
“Hermes!” he shouted, turning around in his little executive desk. “Shut up!”
I really don’t understand why he’s so upset. I had thought my shrill warning cries would have struck the fear of God into him. You know, set him on the right path and all. Hmpf, me, obtuse.
Well, I stopped, anyway. Maybe, if I give the boy a bit of freedom, he’ll come around on his own.
It seems that in the interruption, little Percy lost his quill. I daresay, it’s probably for the good of the relationship. Then again, what would an owl know?
“Where in hell did I put that damned quill?” The boy stood up, nearly knocking his chair over, and scanned the room so hastily I don’t think he could have seen a Bludger aimed straight for his head.
And he is cursing yet again! I would have let it slip past, but… it’s in Percy’s best interest, you know?
I let out another shrill hoot, and it didn’t occur to me in the least that Percy might turn violent. But much to my surprise, there came Percy, his face red and lips pursed, and hands outstretched to reach around my poor little throat… I still say it’s a wonder the little devil found himself a girl.
“You bloody owl! I’ll show you,” he declared as he came towards me. And my, my! What language the boy has picked up! If he hasn’t learned the lesson yet…
I began flapping my wings, and if Percy thought it fitting to rush towards me, well, I could just as easily meet him halfway. In a torrent of fury “ I daresay, I think I lost myself “ I assaulted the boy, right in the face! I think, however, the scuffle communicated my message quite well. He waved his arms a bit to no real use, but he kept his dirty mouth shut. I’m really pleased at how fast that boy learns!
When he resumed his rigid writing position, quill in hand, he had given up on the romantic spiel. If I thought it would serve any purpose, I’d help him out myself, but he pulled out a new piece of parchment and mumbled something about “establishing connections.” You know I couldn’t miss this!
I was still a bit uncertain about getting any nearer to the mad boy “ what, with trying to kill me, and all “ but I fixed myself so that I could clearly read over his shoulder. He wasn’t reading this one aloud. Curious, most curious, but I’d hazard a guess that he didn’t want any more interruptions.
“Dear Mr. Lockhart,” the letter began.
Why, this is most curious, indeed! I’d heard about Lockhart back in Eeylops “ indeed, it was quite difficult not to know something about the man, always making such a spectacle of himself. And I’ve heard from the most reputable sources that Lockhart is going to be Percy’s Professor next year… I’m not sure how well he’ll live up to the name, but perhaps he’ll grow into it. Perhaps I should pay him a visit.
Oh, heavens! One paragraph already. Hehe, I bet Penelope would find that amusing. I’m sorry, Penelope! I pecked him on the ears until I was afraid he’d pull a Van Gogh, but he just wouldn’t write you a letter! I know, dreadful! …What’s that? Oh, you want to know why he wouldn’t write to you? Well, see, he was rather enraptured over his latest letter to Gilderoy…”
Well, let’s see how he’s going. Oh, he has the usual “ “Mr. Gilderoy, In case you haven’t already heard, I, Percy Ignatius Weasley, am going to be in your class next term! I’ve already devoured all your books “ do you have any other recommended reading?” Oh my, my… Oh, I’m too much… No, no, Percy’s not quite that bad yet.
“Dear Mr. Lockhart,” he’s written. “I have heard that you will be taking up the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor next term. I am most delighted at the opportunity to study under such a celebrity!”
And I’ve heard your favourite colour is lilac… Are you partial to the flowers? Because I positively adore them!
“…But I must admit, I am most curious. You are clearly an ambitious fellow, and you have accumulated quite the resume. Do you have any advice for a young aspiring wizard?”
…and can I join your fan club? Dear me, I think I’m blushing…
Oh, finished so soon? Looks like I’ll be making another stop at Eeylops tonight. Well, not if I have to wait for him to finish Penelope’s post… Augh, he’s addressing the letter. Better not waste any time!
“Hermes, what“? Oh… well, it’s good to see you’ve come around! You haven’t been this friendly in a while, nibbling on my ear like that. I guess you do like me, eh? Well, I’ve“ Hermes! Stop biting my ear!”
And the dunce hit me! Can’t he tell I’m famished?
“Here. Take this letter to Gilderoy Lockhart for me, okay? And hurry back!”
Oh, the indignity! The fool thinks I can’t find my way to the window? I will not be carried! I will not be treated like a dumb fledgling! I will“ aauuugghh!
Did he just throw me out the window?
“And that’s for biting me!”
They Call Me Professor by the_evenstar
Chapter Notes: All names/characters belong to JK Rowling, and I borrow them merely to sing her praises.