The holiday came to a bitter end. Hogwarts exploded with the high spirits of returning students and teachers, full of funny stories that their relations said or did over Christmas. Remus’ spirits were low, however, and he was sorely wishing he had gone home to visit his family.
Sirius did his best to cheer Remus up by saying loudly, “The problem with relations is that they just don’t know when to die.”
This caused an uproar in the common room, but not from Remus. James also lowered his spirits by battering him about Lily. “Give her a month or so,” Remus said gloomily. “She should be ready for you by then.”
He huddled in his private corner, with an old paperback, and refused to talk to anyone. Occasionally, he would look up and see Peter sitting at the feet of Sirius, like some loyal dog waiting for tidbits to fall from his master’s plate. His fat bottom was perched on top of the area of carpet where Lily and Remus had made love. Remus wanted to yell angrily that he was sitting on a beautiful memory, but remained tight-lipped.
He was terribly angry with himself. He knew that deflowering Lily to early in their relationship would spoil everything. And yet….hadn’t he eagerly complied to Lily? Hadn’t he wanted it more than she? That next morning, he had woken early and watched Lily’s deep breathing, her porcelain skin glistening in the early morning sunlight. He had stifled a yawn and gone back to sleep. When Remus had next come to, Lily was sitting upright and rigid, the blanket wrapped tightly around her shoulders. Remus reached out to her, and she moved away from him, shaking like a leaf. “It was….not the time….” she managed through chattering teeth.
Remus looked at her, bewildered, confused, and heartbroken. “You said you wanted this,” he shot back, a little harsher than he had meant.
“You should have talked me through this,” Lily protested. “We should have made a pros and cons list.”
“I only consented because we love each other,” Remus continued. “I told you it would change everything and you said you knew!”
“Of course I love being with you Remus, but…”she trailed off. Remus pulled on his clothing, face red like a rose on a thorn bush. He felt betrayed. He had done it in an act of love, and that whole night he had thought they would spend the rest of their lives together. “I see,” he whispered, buttoning his shirt. “You love being with me, but you don’t love me.”
Lily sighed, “I didn’t mean that.”
“Sure, sure,” Remus said. He had been so guarded with his emotions until she came into his life. Now he understood why Sirius was so detached, and why Peter and James were so confused. That’s what he got for wearing his heart on his sleeve. He knew he was weak as a man, but he hadn’t realized what a pushover he had become. “I understand Lily,” he continued tonelessly. “You just enjoyed the thrill of seeing someone secretly.”
“Well you’re hardly a thrill,” Lily said, a desperate attempt to lighten the mood. Remus, however, was not moved to laughter. He stood, grabbed the paperback he left on the table the night before, and retreated to his dormitory. Lily trailed after him, tripping over the blanket. “Remus,” she pleaded. “Remus, please it was a joke.”
He shut the door in her face and drew the curtains around his bed. “Fine!” she screamed through the door. “Hide in your fantasy world full of Muggle detectives and stupid beautiful women! See if I care! I never loved you anyway! Is that what you want to hear? That I never loved you? Would that satisfy your pathetic broken heart?”
She kept screaming and screaming, her fists pounding at the door. Remus tried to concentrate on reading, but he couldn’t. Lily, the only woman he had ever reached out to, had betrayed him. He vowed that he would never get hurt like that again. No matter how beautiful, young, or clever, he would not let his heart be broken.
He could feel Lily’s presence from behind the door. She was waiting for him to open the door and talk things through. She should have known better. Remus was never the talkative type. Then he heard her whisper, almost inaudibly, “Oh, could we start again please?” her voice wobbled with emotion.
Sirius was suddenly standing before him, snapping his fingers impatiently. “Earth to Moony. Where were you just now?”
“I was just thinking about how dull the holiday was,” Remus retorted.
“If we’d known, we would have rescued you,” James said earnestly. Remus shook his head and sighed. He smiled at his friends, knowing he should tell them the truth, knowing he should tell James that he had deflowered the love of James’ life and that she turned out to be a real bitch. “The thing is, I didn’t know how horrible it was until it was over,” he said instead and left it at that.
The next day at breakfast, Peter leaned over his pie and asked fondly if Remus was ready for next week. Remus looked up from his toast, “What’s next week?”
Sirius looked at him aghast. “I’ll give you a hint, Moony,” then he cleared his throat and sang, or bellowed really, “there’s a bad moon on the rise.”
Remus smiled, how could have he forgotten? Of course it had been so easy for him, during his time with Lily, to forget what an animal he was.
She had made him feel perfect and good and pure. “I hear hurricanes ablowing,” Remus responded with a wider smile.
James filled up his glass and raised it as if it were a large pint of rum. Then he sang with the others, his voice filling up the Great Hall, a few other students from their table, who knew the words, joined in.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin.
I see bad times today.
Don’t go around tonight,
Well, its bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.
Sirius put his arm around Remus’ shoulder and shook him with a great howl. A few of the teachers looked petrified that Gryffindor table broke out in song, but Albus Dumbledore’s eyes were gleaming, his finders tapping to the dying rhythm. Remus was laughing so hard that it brought tears to his eyes. This was perfect, these three around him, singing off key, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.