- He read the letter over again... his stomach clenching painfully as he did so. -
James, Sirius and Peter became unbearably obsessed with the Marauders’ Map after that night; they were hardly able to keep their eyes, or their conversation, off it. Remus, on the other hand, had become rather distant when it came to this, only helping when they needed to figure out a hard spell. He would look it up, perform it for them, and then go about his business. The withdrawal of their friend, however, didn’t deter the boys a bit; they knew what Remus was worried about. Almost every day they could see him restlessly flipping through the pages of the book he had found the Fearnck in, desperately looking for the way to destroy it. Nevertheless, after all of his searches, he had still come up fruitless.
Now with Christmas approaching, he had become further withdrawn, hardly speaking at all, even in class. He had completely given up on hexing Wilkins into oblivion, which he had been so keen on doing when he first got back to school. The only times he ever seemed interested in anything was when he heard someone discussing a magical creature, hoping that he could find any hints. It was understandable behaviour. If he didn’t find anything to help him, he would lose his sanity, and that wasn’t something he was willing to bargain with.
One morning, a few days before students would be heading home for the holidays; Professor McGonagall came around the Gryffindor table, finding out which students planned on staying at the castle.
“Potter, Black, Lupin, Pettigrew,” she said when she approached the boys, who were currently watching as an owl attacked a student across the Hall. Professor McGonagall seemed to take no notice to this. “Will any of you be staying?”
“I will,” Sirius said quickly. It was well known that Sirius would rather endure the worst kind of torture than return home. James and Peter said that they would be going home, as they didn’t the year before.
“Mr. Lupin, I assume you’ll be going home?” the Transfiguration Professor said, turning to Remus, who was busy scribbling on a piece of parchment.
“What?” he asked blankly. “Oh “ no, I think I’ll stay here.”
Professor McGonagall looked at him questioningly, but said nothing else and merely moved over to the group of fourth years sitting next to the boys.
“Remus, you’re obsessed,” James said pointedly, reading what his friend was writing.
“No I’m not,” Remus snapped defensively.
“You’re spending all your time with this thing,” James continued, disregarding his friend’s comment.
Remus rolled his eyes, evidently frustrated. “I’m sorry James, but I value my sanity,” he snarled.
James looked taken aback by his friend’s sharpness, but didn’t question him any further. Instead, he contented himself with reading the piece of parchment his friend had been writing on and what he saw wasn’t pleasant. It was a list compiling all of Remus’s worst fears and, judging by what was written next to them, he was trying to figure out the probability of the ones that were most likely to occur. James nudged Sirius in the ribs and showed him the list, making sure Remus didn’t see them. But the chance of that wasn’t very likely at the moment, as he was, yet again, absorbed in his library book.
Sirius and Peter leaned over to read the list and noticed that their names came up on it as well, which put an unsettling feeling in their stomachs; they noticed Remus put them very high up on it.
The list read as follows:
Getting attacked… again (very likely)
Wilkins killing any one of the following “ Mum, Dad, Cassie, Lucy, James, Sirius or Peter (extremely likely)
Losing my sanity (very likely)
Attacking myself as a werewolf (ridiculously likely)
“Find my list interesting?” Remus said, startling James, Sirius and Peter and causing the parchment to fall to the floor, at the feet of the last person they wanted to see it.
Larry Wilkins stooped down and picked the paper up, making to hand it back to James, but stopping when he saw his name on it. He read the list interestedly, obviously trying to make it seem as if he couldn’t believe Remus would assume such a thing, but he failed dismally at his attempt. Remus watched, seething with anger, his fists clenched on his quill, nearly breaking it in half.
“Just give that back, Wilkins,” Sirius said cautiously, inching his hand forward to take the list.
“Who wrote this?” Wilkins sneered, brandishing the paper in James’s face, earning nothing except James slapping his hand away.
“None of your business who wrote it,” James snapped, finally grabbing a hold of the parchment, but unable to pull it away.
“My name is on it,” Wilkins said pointedly. “I think it’s my business.”
“Oh, come off it!” Remus said, jumping out of his seat. “You know what you did, you just won’t admit it.”
“Lupin, what are you talking about?”
“I’ll tell you what I’m talking about, you idiot “ you killed my brother!”
The Great Hall, which had just been full with the merry chatter of students happily discussing their holiday plans, suddenly grew silent as every head swiveled in Remus’s direction. But Remus didn’t care; he didn’t give a damn about them. All he wanted was to put Wilkins in his place; he didn’t give a hang if everyone in the Great Hall thought he was insane. If he didn’t put a stop to this then he might very well be that way.
“Remus,” James said warningly, he did not want his friend getting into a duel, especially when the Hall was swarming with professors. Professor McGonagall, in fact, had turned to see what was happening but, shockingly enough, didn’t do anything to stop it.
Wilkins stared at Remus, not angry, but merely fascinated, as if he was witnessing an exhibit at a museum. He seemed to find Remus rather amusing, not someone to be frightened of, which only infuriated Remus.
“Lupin, I’m afraid I don’t understand you,” he said innocently.
“Wilkins, I’m afraid you do understand me,” Remus scowled. “You’re just too stupid to admit it.”
“Would you really accuse me of murdering your brother?”
“I don’t need to accuse you, I already know it.”
The crowd around the two had increased greatly, every single student hoping a duel would break out, although there were some who just wanted it to end before it got violent. Professor McGonagall inched closer to the group, ready to pull Remus and Wilkins apart if the need arose.
“You know, you and your brother really have wild imaginations,” Wilkins laughed. “He got the idea that I attacked you!”
“It’s not our imaginations, you did attack me! You were the last person with me, you… you-”
“You know, stuttering makes you sound very brave.”
“That’s enough.” Professor McGonagall had made her way through the now disappointed crowd of students and was glaring down at Wilkins and Remus. “Mr. Wilkins, get back to your own table. In the future I would appreciate it if you didn’t come visiting the other Houses.” Wilkins hesitated for a moment, wanting to hold his moment of triumph against Remus, but one stern look from his teacher sent him back to the Slytherin table. “Remus, follow me. I’m sure Professor Binns will hardly notice if you’re missing from his class.” Remus tried to repress a grin, Professor Binns currently thought his surname was Lambert, so he could barely even notice if Remus was missing.
Remus didn’t even bother to look back at his friends as his teacher led him out of the Hall, only giving him enough time to grab his bag. She did not look at all happy. He could only imagine what lectures she had in store for him. Professor McGonagall was a professor you did not want to cross, especially when it came to near duels. He was in for it, but frankly, he didn’t care. He was more irritated that she had interrupted; if she had waited just another moment he would have gotten to curse the life out of Wilkins, possibly getting rid of his problems forever.
Professor McGonagall opened the door to her office and pushed Remus inside, as he was quite keen on hovering outside. McGonagall nodded for him to take a seat at her desk and she pulled up a tin from one of the drawers. “Have a biscuit, Lupin,” she said curtly.
Remus blinked several times before saying anything. “Excuse me, Professor?”
“Have a biscuit,” she repeated, more firmly. Not wanting to upset his teacher any more than he had, Remus quickly took a cookie from the tin and took a small bite, not having much of an appetite.
“Remus, I understand you’re having a difficult time dealing with your brother’s death, but accusing other students of-”
“I wasn’t accusing him! I know it for a fact,” Remus argued. It was bad enough having to listen to Wilkins taunt him about it, but for Professor McGonagall to take the Slytherin’s side, he couldn’t take it.
“Lupin, sometimes when you’re grieving your mind makes you think of things that don’t really exist.”
“I’m through grieving; I did enough when it happened! I know it was Wilkins who killed my brother; I know it was Wilkins who attacked me!”
Professor McGonagall studied him quietly for a moment. She knew that Remus Lupin was never one to lie about such important matters. Granted he was never entirely truthful with trivial matters, such as the time he was caught with Potter, Black, and Pettigrew near the hump of the one-eyed witch; he would never go in any other path other then the truth when the situation was like this. Still, he may have been losing his grip a little if he was ready to accuse another student of such a criminal deed. However, she was his Head of House, she had to hear him out, and perhaps it would make sense when he was finished.
“Okay, Lupin,” she said, sighing in defeat. “What is your story?”
Remus gritted his teeth slightly. It was one thing to relate the Fearnck to his friends, but to tell it to a professor was a completely different story, particularly when the one he was telling it to was already beginning to doubt his sanity. But if he didn’t say it he might not have any sanity left by the end of the year; he was not ready to give up without a fight.
“I was looking up some creatures in the books in the library,” he began. The professor nodded. This was quite understandable and not at all unusual for Remus. “When I was attacked, James said he saw an animal running into the forest and I remembered that when Blake died, I saw an animal running into the forest, so I wanted to look up creatures. And since I think it was Wilkins who did it, I don’t think he’s really human, so what else could it be?”
“But why are you so insistent on it being Wilkins?” the professor asked exasperatedly.
“He was with me before I was attacked, the only other thing out on the grounds was Fang and Fang wouldn’t hurt me! And when I told my brother who I thought it was, I bet he went to go straighten Wilkins out and it got violent. Besides, Blake looked a lot like I did after I was attacked.” He took a deep breath and stared down at the desktop. It was one thing to tell his friends… “I found a creature in this book in the library, it’s called a Fearnck.”
Professor McGonagall’s eyelids widened dangerously upon hearing this. Remus stared up at her, knowing that she thought he was crazy. After all, how many people really knew of this monster?
“A Fearnck, Mr. Lupin?” she questioned uneasily. Remus nodded. “What book were you looking in?”
Remus grabbed his bag, shuffled through his notebooks, took out the thick black book and showed it to the professor. She considered the book for a long time, plainly wondering how such a book fell into the hands of a thirteen year old.
“I’m afraid I can’t let you have this back,” she said resolutely, taking it and placing it inside one of her drawers. Remus looked at her in horror, that book was his key to getting everything back to normal! And there she went, placing it in her drawer as if she didn’t realise what she was doing. “That book should not have been open to a third year.”
“Professor, I need that book!” Remus begged.
“Remus, you are not supposed to have it. I can hardly believe that Madam Pince let you check it out, I will be having a word with her.”
Remus groaned inwardly, but deciding not to press the professor about the matter any further nor point out that Madam Pince had no knowledge of him taking the book out. “Do you believe me?” he asked instead. “About the Fearnck.”
“I’m not sure what to believe, to be honest. It is very possible that you were born with a Fearnck inside of you. It would explain a great deal about the pains you been having through your life. But why do you think it is Wilkins?”
“Because he just came out of nowhere,” Remus explained, tired of beating around the bush. “One day, when I was feeling my worse, I see him at Diagon Alley and he tries to be friendly and he was. We were friends at the beginning of the year and then after that Quidditch match where I got hit with the Bludger, he became too interested in it and I threatened him to keep him away from me and then he saw me transform into a werewolf.” He took another breath and went on. “He kept asking me all of these questions, like if I was afraid of accidentally hurting myself really bad during a full moon or accidentally killing someone, like my brother.”
Professor McGonagall was quiet… too quiet. Remus didn’t like it, he needed her opinion on it after making him relate it to her, this was the least she could do for him.
“Maybe it is possible,” she said at long last. “But, Remus, I do not want you trying to handle this all on your own. You do not know what a Fearnck can do to you when you threaten it.”
“Blake threatened one… I know what it can do.” He knew very well that he could be killed if he tried to put Wilkins in his place. “But I also know what they can do if I don’t put a stop to it and honestly, Professor, I really don’t want to go mental. I’m fine the way I am.”
The bell sounded from above, signaling the end of the first period classes. Remus pulled his schoolbag up and got ready to leave when Professor McGonagall stopped him.
“I know I shouldn’t allow students this,” she said, trying to make it sound as if she was ashamed of herself. “But if you must do this, Remus, and if you need help, you know where to find me.”
James, Sirius, and Peter caught up with Remus as they were on their way to Charms. Trying to make light of the situation, the three snuck up behind him and Sirius took the liberty of hopping up on Remus’s shoulders, only to unsteady him and send him sprawling to the ground, whipping his wand out, ready to attack whoever it was.
“Calm down, Remus! It’s only me,” Sirius said, backing away from the wand.
Remus’s shoulders relaxed and he pocketed his wand, but he didn’t stop to talk, which only baffled his friends. They hurried to catch up and fell into step with him.
“What’s up, Remus?” James asked concernedly. “McGonagall give you a week’s worth of detention?” He laughed, but quickly stopped when he saw the expression on Remus’s face.
“Not every punishment is detention, James,” he said tiredly. “I’d rather have gotten detention than having to tell McGonagall about Wilkins.”
“How’d she take that?” Peter asked.
“Told me that if I needed help than she’d help me… but she took the book I had.”
James, Sirius, and Peter glanced at each other. They knew their friend was frustrated and that he had all of his time invested in his research and to have his book ripped away from him was enough to unsettle him. But, however bad the situation was, they really needed to make their friend smile again.
“Merlin, Sirius!” Peter shouted suddenly, causing Remus to jump. He stared at them, clearly wanting an explanation, but knowing very well that one wasn’t coming in a normal fashion. “Remus lost his book!”
“That’s his lifeline!” James shrieked, pretending to break out into hysterical sobs.
“What’ll we do?” Sirius cried, draping his arm around James’s shoulder and also feigning sobs into it.
“You guys are idiots,” Remus sighed, though smiling broadly. “Thanks, I needed that.”
Remus sat up in the Owlery, holding the family owl, Dreyfus, in his lap and looking lazily at the wall across from him, his eyes stinging slightly. It was late at night, nearly midnight judging by the position of the nearly full moon. He leaned his head back on the wall and shut his eyes, listening to the calming hooting of the owls flying above in the rafters. He had the Invisibility Cloak at his side, making sure to keep it free of any owl droppings, as he knew James would not appreciate that. Originally, he hadn’t planned on using it, but James offered it to him so he could escape for a while and clear his head. Besides, James wouldn’t need it, as he was home for the break.
He and Sirius were the only Gryffindor third years that chose to remain at school, though Remus knew it was against his better judgement. His family would have like him to go home, but they knew that they wouldn’t be able to make him change his mind. When Remus wanted something, he wanted it and no one could change it. Sirius was the one who suggested going up to the Owlery, as he could almost guarantee Remus would have a letter, being so close to Christmas and all. Sirius had been right, as Remus was met with a rather lengthy letter, dated some time ago, in a handwriting that shocked him.
At the very top of the letter was a small note written by his mother, claiming that she had found this in Blake’s trunk when she was looking through it. Remus didn’t want to read it at first, but his curiosity always tended to get the better of him. He couldn’t believe what he was reading; it had to have been some mistake. But there was no mistake in Blake’s handwriting, he just didn’t understand it. His brother had known something was going to happen… he knew. Remus read the letter over again, his stomach clenching painfully as he did so.
Remus,
I don’t know exactly how to explain this, but did you ever get the feeling that you know something bad is going to happen? You have the feeling of… impending doom, I guess you can call it, but you just don’t know what it is or when it’s going to happen. All I know is that something’s going to happen. I don’t know if it’s going to happen to you, or me, or maybe someone else in our family, I just know it’s bad… I’ve got this feeling that maybe my life might be cut short soon, but I don’t know why. So, if I’m right or even if I’m just being paranoid, I need to tell you this.
I know you won’t like to hear this, but after you were bitten, I was scared of you. I know I always tried to put on the brave act, like I was always there for you when you needed me, but I can’t put up that act anymore. I wouldn’t even sleep in the same room as you; I was only seven, so I didn’t really understand the whole concept of you only changing once a month. Cassie made me feel bad at times, telling me that I was being horrible to you because every time you would try and talk to me, I would walk away without even saying anything… I remember she hit me once for it, it hurt a lot. But after your first transformation, after hearing you crying in pain when it was happening and the next morning when Dad and Mum were trying to help you, I realised how badly I treated you and for that, I’m sorry.
I hate to get mushy, but I think this letter calls for it. If my paranoia turns out to be true, there are some things I need to say to you that I don’t think I’ve ever said to you. If I could pick from a thousand other brothers, I don’t think I’d pick any of them. I’d be happy with you. Even if you’re a werewolf, you can be whatever you want; you’ve got what it takes to make it through a prejudice society… Remus, you’re better than they think you are. And you’ve got friends now. Even if it had to be under the circumstances that it was under, you’ve got great friends who’ll do anything for you. If I can’t be around to help you when you need it, at least they can be.
I’m not always going to be around to be there for you… I don’t know why I’m having this revelation now and this feeling, but I am and I need to tell you these things before I’m not able to. Just keep this in mind; if I’m not there for you, you still have Mum and Dad who you can talk to. I know you have trouble saying some things to them, but just remember that all they want to do is be there for you… They feel guilty, Dad especially. If you read this, tell him that it’s not his fault, I don’t think you’ve ever told him. And you have Cassie too; you don’t talk to her as much as you should and believe me, whenever you really need to talk about something, she’s the best person to go to. And Lucy too, I know she’s only five, but you can learn from her and she looks up to you a lot more than you know.
Still, Remus, even if my worries are fake, I want you to see this letter. Remus, you’re the greatest brother I could have asked for. When Mum was going to have you, I remember spending a lot of nights hoping that I would have a little brother. Then Mum had you and I was so happy, and I still am. Don’t listen to my friends when they call you a tagalong, I’m the one who wants you there because you deserve to have a good time. So through all my ramblings that I you might have read, all I really want to say is that I love you and I only want the best for you. Please, if something happens, don’t spend all your time feeling bad about it, feel bad for a while, but then just be happy. That’s all I want for you.
- Blake
Remus took an unsteady breath and stood up, pulling the Invisibility Cloak on as he let Dreyfus swoop back into the rafters to sleep. Blake had known all along that something bad was going to happen. He had probably written that letter before he went to confront Wilkins. Looking at the letter, as he was making his way back to Gryffindor Tower, he could see that Blake must have spent a long time thinking on it, thinking if he was doing the right thing. He knew that, if Remus’s theory was correct, Wilkins was capable of things that Blake had no idea, but he went after him anyway, all because he wanted what was best for Remus.
He came up into the third year dormitory, after nearly making the Fat Lady deaf by shouting the password, and tried to quietly get into bed.
Sirius rolled over on his bed and squinted through the dark, seeing Remus’s outline. “’S’at you, Remus?” he mumbled sleepily.
“Yeah, it’s me,” Remus whispered, pulling the hangings around his bed.
“You smell like owl,” Sirius went on, incoherently.
“I was in the Owlery, remember?” Remus explained, deciding that he was too tired to change, so he merely climbed into bed. “Just go back to sleep.”
“Mmkay… Night, Mum.”
Remus smiled at his friend and leaned back onto his pillow. Even though Blake’s letter wasn’t exactly uplifting, it did make him feel better. He had been living in a vacuum for some time, not smiling, not laughing, unable to be a kid and do what his brother wanted. Now he found, for the first time in a while, that he was able to rest easy.