- "A wish," she explained, running a finger along one of the vines. "Defeating a Fearnck is a very difficult task, indeed and anyone able to do it is deserving of their fondest wish." -
Remus remained ill throughout the remainder of the holiday break, but not so much that he wasn’t able to leave his dormitory. However, Madam Pomfrey stayed strict on her policy of not allowing him to venture out onto the grounds, which Remus hardly argued about. He knew he was still too sick to go out into the freezing snow; he wasn’t about to risk sending his fever back up again. For the first few days after receiving that wretched present he had to remain in bed. He slept for the most part, read when he wasn’t sleeping or talked to Sirius when he wasn’t doing either. After the week ended, he was able to go down into the common room, which he preferred over the eerie quietness of the dormitory.
Down in the common room, he and Sirius would play Wizard Chess, Exploding Snap (Remus winning nearly every round) and they would sort through the box of pranks Sirius had, seeing which ones would be most effective. As they did this, Sirius did his best not to mention Christmas, as it had become an uncomfortable topic amongst them. Remus knew that it was Wilkins who had sent him it, definitely not to kill him, but to give him a good scare, and he had managed that. Now Remus wouldn’t even touch a package if it wasn’t labeled. Wilkins was succeeding in his goal of making Remus think he was losing his mind. He’d become edgy ever since Christmas, even though he’d been in the dormitory the whole time, where no one could get him.
Remus knew he was going to have to get a start on figuring out how to defeat this Fearnck. He wished McGonagall hadn’t taken his library book away from him, even if it held no answers. She had done it for his well-being, though. However, because she had done this, Remus now had all the more drive he needed in completing his task. She had offered to help him, which meant she knew something he didn’t. She knew what he was supposed to do, and she knew it was dangerous. He was going to take her up on her offer, once the new year came along; if anyone could help him, it was his professor. His parents couldn’t even help him for the pure fact that he never told them. He was afraid to. He didn’t want them getting into danger on account of him. Once they learnt what it was that was causing them all this pain and grief, they would try and get rid of it. He knew this for sure. They didn’t even know that Remus had fallen ill because of a Christmas present. He would tell them one day… maybe when it was all over. But for now, Remus merely tried to calm his nerves and focus on the story Sirius was telling him.
It was a rather mean tale of how Sirius had tried to brew a love potion when he was eight, having disastrous results of course. The potion was supposed to make his younger brother, Regulus, fall deeply and irreversibly in love with the family house elf, Kreacher. Remus thought that was fairly cruel. He never would have done that to Lucy if they’d had a house elf, and he knew Blake would never have dreamt of doing that to him. But, since Sirius was only eight and had no knowledge whatsoever on potion brewing, the potion never became effective. Actually, it never even became a potion, as the moment Sirius poured the ingredients in (all at once and in amounts that were nowhere near correct) it exploded in his face.
“Now that I think about it, it was kind of funny,” Sirius said reminiscently, putting his feet up on the table in front of him.
“That was kind of mean, though,” Remus disagreed, yawning slightly once he finished his sentence.
“Yeah, it was… But Regulus had it coming to him for ages.”
“Yeah, but still…”
Sirius shrugged and focused on his box of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans, offering one to Remus, who swiftly denied. The last time he’d eaten one it had been vomit flavoured and he was not too eager for a repeat. Remus pulled his feet up onto his chair and shivered slightly, even though the common room was considerably warm.
“You okay?” Sirius asked as he saw his friend shiver.
“Yeah, just a little cold,” Remus answered sheepishly.
Sirius nodded understandably. They were silent for a moment as Sirius searched for something to talk about; however, the only thing he could think of wasn’t exactly a lighthearted topic.
“How are you getting on with finding out how to get Wilkins?” he asked, trying his best to keep the curiosity in his voice to a minimum.
Remus frowned at the question, but answered regardless. “Not well,” he admitted. “I can’t find anything since McGonagall took the book away from me. But she did offer to help.”
Sirius sat up straighter in his seat upon hearing this, having completely forgotten Remus had mentioned this before. “Are you going to take her up on it?” he asked.
“Yeah, once the break is over. I wanted to get started on it during the holidays but being sick doesn’t exactly help things.”
“How does McGonagall know what to do, though?”
“I dunno… She’s smart; she’s probably heard things from Dumbledore about them.”
“I still find the whole concept creepy… Wilkins was living in you since you were born, that’s enough to scare anyone.”
“Especially the person it’s in,” Remus said, the tone in his voice changing dramatically. He could tell his face was paling. No one knew how scared he was, not even his friends. He went through his days with a terrible weight in the pit of his stomach, always trying to suppress the feeling of having to look over his shoulder. Always fearing the worst… He took a deep breath and tried to keep his feeling of panic at bay.
“Remus?” Sirius asked, sensing the change in his friend.
“I’m really scared, Sirius,” Remus said unsteadily. “These things are really dangerous, you said it yourself. They can kill, they can hurt… But, if I don’t do anything, I’m going to go mental! There’s only so much pain one person can take and, even though I’m a werewolf and I’m supposed to be, I’ve never been good with pain. I don’t want to go insane, but I’m too scared to face this kid. I don’t know what he can do to me!”
Sirius was silent as he watched his friend deteriorate before him. He didn’t know very well what this was doing to his friend. Remus usually tried to keep up the brave front; he spent most of his time masquerading as if nothing bothered him when it was really slowly eating away at him. The Fearnck was clearly doing its job if it had rendered Remus scared senseless. Sirius didn’t understand why this creature had to have chosen Remus to be born inside of. From the moment Remus had entered this Earth, he had been plagued with misfortune.
“I don’t know why it has to be me,” Remus said, as if he had read Sirius’s thoughts. “I mean, what did I do? Wilkins is probably the reason I’m a werewolf! Probably figured he’d get rid of me fast since the Healers had suggested to my parents that they should put me to sleep like I was some dog, like I didn’t even matter enough to save… He’s already the reason for everything else… He’s the reason I was attacked… He was the one who sent me that stupid Christmas present… He’s the reason my brother’s dead… He’s the reason I’m sitting here losing my mind!”
A maniac glint had appeared in Remus’s eyes as he lamented every disaster that had befallen him since he was a little kid. It was all because of Wilkins that he had the life he had… It was because of Wilkins that he couldn’t be normal like he wanted to be. It was because of Wilkins that he spent most of his days watching his classmates go about their lives, while he stood there envying everything about them that wasn’t associated with evil. No one knew how jealous he was of these people and, most days, Remus was disgusted with himself for it, but other times, like right now, he wasn’t in the least bit. By being jealous of others, he felt normal.
True to his own word, when classes started up again, Remus found himself standing at his Transfiguration teacher’s desk after class. He had spent most of his time brooding on what defence techniques the professor could offer him and, so far, he had come up fruitless. He could only wonder and hope that it wasn’t too painful.
When James and Peter returned from the break, they had been only mildly surprised to hear that Remus had been taken ill due to a faulty gift from Wilkins. James explained that they both figured Wilkins would try something while the castle was practically empty and what better way to do it than with something as innocent as a Christmas present? But they were a little more shocked to hear Remus had been sick for the entire break; they thought it would only last a week at the most.
But, at the current moment, any feeling of illness Remus had was replaced with apprehension as he waited for Professor McGonagall to see him. She made it to her desk, only after clearing up a rather large mess created by James and Sirius as they levitated a cat across the room, spreading the fur to every inch of the area. She sat down at her desk, looked severely irritated, and nodded at Remus for him to pull up a chair.
“I know what you’re here about, Mr. Lupin,” she said almost at once. “After what Poppy told me happened to you over the holiday, I assumed you’d want to get a quicker start on this.”
“So, you’ll still help me?” Remus asked hopefully. He looked at the professor and saw that she looked highly reluctant. She knew that this was something her student needed to do. She had promised to help him, despite her better judgement. Remus never asked for anything from anyone, this was the only thing he asked, and someone owed it to him to allow it. And if that person had to be her… she was willing to do it.
“I will help you. Come to my office tomorrow night and we will begin. Be here at approximately six thirty.”
Remus could hardly help but grin at this. “Thank you, Professor!”
“I will warn you, if you want to achieve your goal, you must learn to not be frightened… that is the key to defeating a Fearnck. Now, I do not expect Professor Kettleburn will appreciate you being late to his class.”
Remus nodded and made his way out of the room, towards the Entrance Hall, where he saw James and Peter heading up to Divination as they finished whatever conversation they were having with Sirius. They smiled at Remus, but didn’t stop to talk, as they had a long way to go to the North Tower. Remus fell into step with Sirius, who was hesitating on whether he should ask about what McGonagall said. He didn’t want to seem as though he was being too nosey, however.
However, Remus was the one who started the talk about it. He recounted how Professor McGonagall would start training him the next night and how he had finally learnt the key to defeating Wilkins. He needed to believe that he wasn’t scared. He wasn’t exactly sure if he could do this; it sounded much easier said than done. Remus lapsed into silence as they made their way down the grounds towards the Forbidden Forest. He had been waiting all this time to learn what he had to do, but now that he knew it, he wasn’t sure about how he was going to go about this. You couldn’t just say that you were no longer afraid, you had to believe it.
Approaching the Forest, they saw Professor Kettleburn waiting for the class to fully assemble. Beside him was a crate and they groaned simultaneously, both thinking that the Flobberworms had returned. Luckily, the crate merely contained some meat for the school’s Thestral herd, according to the professor. None of the students even dared to ask what Thestrals were. They would be researching the characteristics of unicorns and, at the precise moment Kettleburn said it, two golden unicorns had come forward.
Professor Kettleburn warned the boys to stand back, as unicorns preferred the touch of a girl than that of a boy. So, Remus and Sirius stepped back with the other boys and watched interestedly as the girls went forward, as Professor Kettleburn explained the properties of unicorns to them. The golden unicorns were only foals and would not turn silver until they were two years old, and then would finally turn white at the age of seven. Remus, however, didn’t hear much else, as something had caught his eye down by the Forbidden Forest.
Moving away from the students, he saw that it was a vaguely familiar animal. He knew he had seen it before, but he wasn’t able to place it. It very much resembled a wolf; it was large and grey, with viciously golden eyes. Where had he seen it before? He stood there, staring blankly as the creature moved around behind the bushes, racking his brain for any possible encounter with a wolf such as this before. He absentmindedly sat down on the cold grass, rubbing the side of his head as he thought. He knew he had seen it before but he wasn’t sure where.
He tried to recall the last time he’d seen a wolf, aside from himself in werewolf form. In the back of his mind, he distinctly remembered one fateful day when he had glanced out the dormitory window as he was leaving to meet his friends on the grounds. He had seen a wolf running into the Forbidden Forest, but he hadn’t thought much of it at the time it really didn’t seem too strange. This had been on the day his brother died. He vaguely remembered James mentioning that he had seen a wolf, although he didn’t know if it was the same one, the day Remus was attacked.
It didn’t seem like anything to be worried about. After all, the woods were full of animals and wolves definitely were a part of it. But Remus still couldn’t repress the unsettling feeling that had found its way to his hands as they shook slightly. He turned around and tried to focus on the lesson before him, missing the fact that the wolf had emerged and was no longer a wolf…
Shaking his head, he ignored the questioning look he received from Sirius as he reappeared by his friend’s side. He watched lazily as the girls backed away from the unicorn, all of them looking positively thrilled. Remus chuckled lightly, trust girls to be over the moon for the something such as this. The class went on in the usual methods of Professor Kettleburn “ observing the creature, copying notes about them, answering questions, and then the issuing of homework.
The class ended quite abruptly, once a rather small minded Ravenclaw boy decided to approach a nervous looking unicorn and it attempted to take the boy’s eye out with its hooves. Kettleburn hurried the remainder of the class away while he heavily reprimanded the boy, ranting about how he could have harmed them all. Remus was only too eager to leave the class, but he was not too eager to hear Sirius badger him about what he was looking at during the lesson.
Remus simply brushed his friend off once they made it to the Gryffindor common room to deposit their books. They had planned on meeting James down at the Quidditch Pitch to watch him practise, so they hurriedly pulled their cloaks on and joined up with Peter in the common room. They trooped down to the Pitch, shivering as the wind quickened its pace and turned bone chillingly cold. They didn’t mind though, it had to have been better than being up in the air like James was. But James didn’t mind, of course. He was the only person more insane about Quidditch than the captain.
Sitting on the bleachers, they watched intently as the Beaters slapped the Bludgers back and forth. Remus shrank back in his seat as he saw this; he doubted he would ever forget the Bludger that made its way to his head in the first match of the season. Luckily, the Bludgers were kept in control by the Beaters, so Remus focused his attention on the Chasers, who were vigorously passing the Quaffle back and forth in an attempt to confuse the Keeper. It worked well, as the Keeper dived to the left in a mad attempt to catch the Quaffle, but it went straight through the middle goal post. They cheered loudly as James made a spectacular goal and he characteristically punched his fist in the air.
As the practise was coming to an end, they were met with an unpleasant surprise in the stands. Coming up into the bleachers, was none other than Larry Wilkins. Sirius and Peter side glanced at Remus, who had immediately jerked his hand inside his robe pocket, which they knew contained his wand. He was prepared to use any hex in order to get away from this boy. Wilkins smiled meanly when he spotted the three friends and settled himself in a chair behind him, seemingly indicating that he was not going to bother them at all. Giving his friends a curious look, Remus shrugged and continued to watch the practise, though not letting his guard down for a moment.
They were sitting for only five minutes when Remus received a sharp jab in the back of his head. He whipped his head around, but Wilkins arms were folded across his chest and looked as if they had been there for at least five minutes. Hesitating for a moment or so, Remus slowly turned around and watched the remainder of the practise. Not even a full minute later, Remus felt the same sharp jab in the back of his head. He chose to ignore it this time, but could do so no longer when it happened a third… fourth… fifth time. Remus jumped out of his seat and rounded on the boy, who was sitting smugly in his chair as if he hadn’t done anything.
“What’s your problem?” he snarled, his eyes glaring furiously into Wilkins’.
Wilkins’ eyes widened in that maddening surprised look. “I think you’re the one with the problem to be honest,” he said simply.
“Will you stop hitting me in the back of the head?” Remus went on, choosing to ignore Wilkins’ last remark.
“I haven’t done anything.”
“Just leave me alone, for Merlin’s sake!” And without even waiting for his friends, Remus turned on his heel and dashed out of the stands. Sirius and Peter glared contemptuously at Wilkins. They knew that he had indeed been doing something or other that had irritated Remus, and followed him down to the grounds. Remus was going at an alarmingly fast pace and it was difficult to catch up with him.
“Remus!” Sirius panted, as he and Peter finally fell into step with Remus, only after he slowed down.
“God, I hate that kid!” Remus growled, kicking a stone that was lying innocently in his path.
“We noticed,” Peter said pointedly. “He’s just being a jerk right now; you should just leave it.”
Remus nodded, seeming to calm down a mite at Peter’s words. His shoulders relaxed and his pace became normal, as well as his formerly unsteady breathing.
“I can’t wait until tomorrow night when McGonagall starts to help me,” was all he said before he lapsed into silence, a silence that didn’t end until the next morning.
So, at exactly six thirty the following evening, Remus found himself standing outside Transfiguration professor’s office door, knocking quite loudly on it. It was only thirty seconds before the door swung open, revealing a rather harassed looking Professor McGonagall. Remus knew she was not doing this in her right mind, and he knew that she was apprehensive about it. But, when she spoke, she sounded as cool as any.
“A bit anxious, are we?” she stated, pointing out Remus’s sharp knocks.
Remus grinned sheepishly; it wasn’t untrue that he was anxious. He didn’t think his heart had ever beat this fast. Professor McGonagall stepped aside and let him inside. She closed the door and watched as Remus observed the room. Remus didn’t know exactly what to expect; he definitely didn’t expect to see the room completely devoid of anything that looked like a defence mechanism. He had thought there might be something there, something he’d never seen before because, after all, he had never dealt with a Fearnck before.
“All you need is your wand,” Professor McGonagall said when she saw his puzzlement. “And this is all else we will need.” The professor gestured to a box that Remus had simply taken for a trinket. Now, as he moved closer to it, he noticed that it was far from a trinket. It was a large rectangular box that glowed fierce neon blue, and the colour only increased as Remus stepped closer. It was decorated with three dimensional vines twisting in every direction, covering practically every inch of the box. Remus looked around for a lid, but found that there was none.
“You cannot open it until you have completely conquered your fears,” Professor McGonagall explained.
“What’s inside it?” Remus asked, rounding on the professor.
“A wish,” she explained, running a finger along one of the vines. “Defeating a Fearnck is a very difficult task indeed, and anyone able to do it is deserving of their fondest wish.”
“Anything?” Remus repeated, thinking this was too good to be true and, of course, it was.
“Well, not everything,” Professor McGonagall corrected. “It is cruel, but not even this box here can raise the dead. I know that is what you want, is it not?”
Remus nodded, hanging his head slightly. He knew that he couldn’t bring his brother back, but it didn’t mean that he couldn’t try.
“Now, you noticed that the glow emitting from it increased when you went closer?” Professor McGonagall continued, taking a seat and motioning for Remus to do the same. Remus nodded as he sat down. “That is how strong Wilkins is, and it grew because Wilkins is a part of you. Wilkins is all of the strength that you should have, except the strength isn’t being used for good. The glow will only decrease when you’ve learnt to master your fear. This glow, in a way, also symbolizes your fear because, as you progress in your training, the light will decrease in intensity. But, only when Wilkins is truly gone, will it cease to exist.”
“So, basically this box is like a bribe?” Remus questioned, the majority of his thoughts still on his wish. He didn’t know what it would be now. He’d love for it to be that he couldn’t be a werewolf but, for some odd and unexplainable reason, he found his longing for it wasn’t as strong as it should be.
“Well, in a matter of speaking, I suppose,” the professor conceded. “Now, there is no exact incantation for this task. There are, however, certain phrases that you can use to help increase your power. The key to defeating a Fearnck, as I told you yesterday, is belief. If you merely say it, but you do not believe it, we will be wasting our time. And, Mr. Lupin, I am not willing to waste my time if you are not willing to believe.”
“I’m willing to do it,” Remus said at once, straightening up in his chair. “I’ll do anything I have to.”
“Then we will not hesitate at all,” the professor said, standing up and striding over in the direction of the box. “Now please take out your wand, Mr. Lupin.”
Remus followed Professor McGonagall over, pulling his wand out in the process. He wasn’t very sure how he was supposed to hold it, or move it, so he merely held it in front of his body in a very tight grip, staring determinedly at the box. “Now, what are you most afraid of?”
Remus was silent as he thought through his numerous fears. If this had been any other time, it would have been the fear of being attacked in such a brutal way, but, now that it had already occurred, he wasn’t as afraid. He thought of his family, Lucy in particular. If anything happened to her… She was so young… she’d hardly had a chance to live. He would never allow anything life threatening to happen to her.
“Right now… I guess it’d be something bad happening to my little sister,” he confessed, blinking as the light increased.
“Wilkins has just learnt a new fear, his strength is growing,” Professor McGonagall said, a hint of worry in her voice. “You must conquer this fear before he is able to execute it.”
Remus’s heart plummeted painfully. How was he able to suppress the horrible fright of losing his little sister, a girl who would only be six in a short while? The neon blue glow grew further as he thought in this manner and his stomach knotted. What was he getting himself into…?
“Concentrate, Remus,” Professor McGonagall instructed, sensing that Remus was being to doubt himself. Remus nodded, swallowing hard as his mouth went dry. He closed his eyes, focusing determinedly on the thought of his sister’s future, a future she had to see. She would be going to Hogwarts… Her best subject would be Charms… She could even be on the Quidditch team that he had failed to get on. She had so much to live up to, and she was going to live up to it. Wilkins wasn’t going to take that away from her, Remus wouldn’t allow it.
“He’s not going to do anything to her,” Remus muttered forcefully.
“Do you believe it?” the professor asked, almost in a way of suggesting that she was egging him on.
“Yes,” Remus said, his wand beginning to emit a green glow. He chanced taking a look at McGonagall, only to see that she was smiling. Wilkins wasn’t going to do anything to Lucy… he wouldn’t… But he already took away Blake…. Who was to say he wouldn’t do it again? He could just wake up the next morning and discover that his little sister had been murdered in her sleep. The green glow quickly disappeared, as well as the smile from McGonagall.
“Don’t think that way, Remus,” she said. She knew what thought had crept into his mind; she knew that he was already beginning to doubt himself. “You love your sister; you would do anything to help her.”
“I would…” Remus mumbled slowly. “I’d do anything… he just can’t keep taking them away from me. He can’t keep taking away my family.” If he let this persist he might be all alone by the time it was over… He could wake up and be completely alone, an orphan. All of the sudden a rage had swept over Remus, a protective wave, one that egged him on, making him believe himself, the green glow overpowering the blue. The rage was so strong, so powerful, that he shouted, “I won’t let him!” He felt his wand arm shaking madly as he concentrated; he was overcome by the rage. He really believed that he could save his sister if he had to.
And, despite that he believed himself, that he would not allow Wilkins to take another innocent life, Remus found himself suddenly on the floor, a loud ringing piercing his ears and a searing pain above his right eye. He scrunched his eyes shut, as the ringing grew louder and louder, the pain increasing. He could barely make out Professor McGonagall’s congratulations, saying that he had robbed Wilkins of the power he had just gained.
Slowly the ringing ceased and Remus found himself being hauled into a chair. He rested his forehead in his hand as he tried to regain his composure. He had felt a feeling he had never felt before. He had felt as though nothing could beat him, nothing to scare him, and then that painful ringing took over. The pain had snatched away any such feeling, but, as he gazed at the once dangerously glowing box, he noticed that the illumination had decreased somewhat. He stared around the room to see that Professor McGonagall was going to pack away the box, making him think that he had done something wrong.
“What did I do?” Remus asked sleepily. He felt drained of all of his energy. “I messed up, didn’t it?”
“No, not at all,” Professor McGonagall said, disbelievingly. “It was perfect. You allowed yourself to give in to that rage that came over you. The rage that told you you would succeed. I’m sure you noticed the box is glowing less now, a sign that you’ve accomplished something. I simply think that this was enough for one night. This should never be taken so lightly. You must rest before you try again. Get a good night’s rest and be at my office the same time tomorrow night.” Remus nodded, shakily getting to his feet, his legs like jelly. “You have taken this piece of information away from Wilkins, as long as you remain to believe it.”
Remus stood at the doorway for a moment, his eyes lingering on the spot where the box had been. It was so strange for him to think that one small box could hold the key to his future, and all because of a wish he was allowed to make. He wanted so much for this to happen, but he was torn between what he wanted. He knew that, once Wilkins was gone, James, Sirius and Peter would probably not be able to recall that they had become friends. He didn’t want life to return to the way it had been. Then there was his overpowering desire to be normal… to be free of the werewolf blood that had tainted his blood for nearly ten years.
Which did he want more? Did he want friends or a life without the monthly pain? He didn’t know… Then his mind wandered to the Marauders’ Map. Sirius had made it so they would remember that, at one point in their lives, they had been friends, almost brothers. If Remus simply showed this map to his friends, perhaps that would trigger something in their memory and, if not, maybe he could return to life as it had been. What he really wanted was to be normal again, to not have to deal with the plague of being a werewolf… Words couldn’t describe his longing for it.
“Good night, Remus,” Professor McGonagall said when she saw him still standing in the doorway.
Remus jerked away from his thoughts and looked at the professor. “’Night, Professor,” he said tiredly. Turning around, he made his way up the torch lit corridors with only a single thought it his mind “ maybe he could do it… maybe he could defeat Wilkins… Maybe he could get his life back.