- Its golden eyes glowing dangerously, the wolf scanned the expanding grounds, searching desperately for its prey. -
“Remus, get up.”
Remus was lying on the floor of Professor McGonagall’s office, having just passed out. After the fire at his house he had become as determined as ever to defeat Wilkins, meaning that he was trying twice as hard during his defence lessons. This meant, however, that it was taking a toll on his health and he had been periodically passing out during the lessons. He wasn’t able to overcome his fears and, even when he did, he would still get that painful ringing in his ears and would black out.
Professor McGonagall hauled Remus into a chair and allowed him a chance to catch his breath. She watched him closely, seeing easily the effects these lessons were having on him. She had often considered putting them off for a while, giving him a chance to collect himself and recover from the ones he had. But Remus was persistent and would not stop; the prospect of his mother’s death had given him an overwhelming fortitude.
Remus heaved a few more breaths and stood to his feet, keeping a grip on the arm of his chair for safe measure. “Lemme try again,” he slurred tiredly.
“I don’t think that is wise, Mr. Lupin,” Professor McGonagall said, moving over to place the glowing box away.
“Professor, I can do it! I just messed up that once.”
Professor McGonagall raised an eyebrow at him. “That once?” she repeated incredulously. “Remus, you have been passing out at least three times every lesson. This is not good for you.”
“Professor… just let me do it once more.”
“No, Remus. You may try again the day after tomorrow, but as for tonight, I am sorry but you need to return to your dormitory and get some rest.”
Remus stayed in his spot, thinking grudgingly to ask again, but Professor McGonagall would simply refuse and he was not going to waste his energy on it. Instead, he merely left the room with a good night to the professor and walked sleepily back to Gryffindor Tower. It was amazing how trying to conquer a fear could deteriorate his health in such a way. He hardly had any energy for anything nowadays and whenever he had a spare moment he usually used it to sleep. But he needed to do this, he had no other choice.
He crept into the dormitory, checking to see if his friends were asleep or not. When he peered through the doorway he saw that they were sitting on James’s bed, looking down at what appeared to be a library book. Still, he was too tired to marvel at the fact that they were willingly reading. He walked inconspicuously over to his bed and dropped down on it, getting under his sheets. Almost instantly, he was asleep and his snores filled the room.
“Didn’t hear him come in,” Peter commented when they saw their friend sleeping.
“He looks beat,” Sirius said as he saw Remus’s worn out features. “Worse than normal, that is.”
“He’s been working too hard, I think,” James said, getting up and taking the liberty of pulling the hangings around Remus’s bed.
“He feels really guilty,” Sirius added, sitting down on his own bed. “You ever hear the way he talks sometimes? The way he talks he sounds like he’s blaming himself for everything that’s happened. That’s why he wants us to be Animagi; he probably thinks he’ll be able to escape from everything.”
“That’s kind of why we offered anyway, isn’t it?” James said. “He needs help and he knows it. He probably-” but right when James was about to finish his sentence Remus began mumbling in his sleep. They looked around, as James pulled away the curtains, and tried to comprehend what he was saying, but it was all slurred together into one long sentence.
“Remus?” Sirius said, bending down to shake Remus’s shoulder. Remus said nothing; he only continued to mutter, rolling over onto his side.
“What’s he saying?” Peter asked, looking intently at his sleeping friend. Sirius shrugged and continued to listen.
“Forest… dark…” Remus was mumbling, waving his hand in front of his face as if he was trying to clear a path.
“Forest?” James repeated. “He’s not talking about the Forbidden Forest, is he?”
Sirius shook his head; he had a feeling that was not what Remus was dreaming about.
“Didn’t he say he used to have nightmares about when he was bitten?” Peter asked.
“Yeah, he did,” James said slowly, realisation dawning in his expression. “He’s dreaming about the night he was bitten.”
They leaned forward to listen, feeling somewhat stupid doing so, but doing it all the same. It didn’t occur to them that Remus might be embarrassed to have his friends listening to his nightmares, as he usually ended up waking up in a panic.
“Mum,” Remus muttered, rolling over again. “Something’s behind me… Mum…”
Normally they would have found something like this funny, but this was different. This just wasn’t a nightmare about a scary movie Remus had seen, this was his real life. This was a nightmare about a day that truly scared their friend. They were now unsure if they should sit there and remain listening, or if they should wake Remus up before it got any worse.
“Mum… Mum…” Remus’s voice now became more panicked; the wolf in his mind must have been drawing closer with every breath Remus took. His chest was heaving up and down and his limbs were beginning to tremble. “There’s something coming… Mum… it’s a wolf… Mum!” And Remus shot bolt upright, looking positively frightened. Breathing heavily, looking wildly around the room, not seeing his friends at first, still searching for the werewolf that had been closing in on him.
“Remus, there’s no wolf here,” James said in a quiet voice. “You’re in the dormitory.” Remus looked at James, seemingly unable to comprehend what James had just said. “You were having a nightmare.”
Remus’s quick paced breathing calmed down a bit, but he still had a wild, terrified gleam in his eyes. “Nightmare?” he said, bewildered.
“Yeah, you were talking in your sleep,” Sirius elaborated.
Remus raised his eyebrow at Sirius, his cheeks reddening. “What was I saying?”
Sirius shifted uncomfortably, as did James and Peter. It was embarrassing enough for Remus to find out he was talking in his sleep, but to hear that he was dreaming about the night he was bitten, that was worse.
“You were dreaming that the werewolf was chasing you,” Peter explained.
Remus nodded slowly, his eyes not as wide, but his cheeks just as red as they were. “Okay… just the same stuff as usual I guess,” he said in a would-be lighthearted voice, thinking that it would possibly ease the tension in the room. He laid back on his bed. “Sorry I was yelling,” he apologised.
“It’s alright,” James said dismissively. “We weren’t sleeping or anything.”
“But I think we should now or else we’re not going to be up in time for classes,” Sirius said, hoping off Remus’s bed and going to his trunk to pull out an old t-shirt and pants.
“Yeah,” James agreed, grinning and heading towards the bathroom. “Wouldn’t want the teachers chewing us out for being late, would we?”
“Last time they threatened us with three weeks of detention,” Peter mentioned as he began pulling his curtains around his bed.
“You sure you’re alright, Remus?” Sirius asked, getting ready to pull his own curtains closed. He looked around to see Remus’s eyes shut in pain and rubbing his head. Sleeping had not helped him recover from his lesson.
“Fine… that lesson was just… I’m fine.”
“Remus, you know you’re not very good at lying.”
“It was brutal,” Remus admitted. “I passed out four times.”
“No wonder you’re having nightmares,” Peter said, looking awed, peering out from behind his curtain.
“You don’t think you’re working too hard?” Sirius questioned concernedly.
Remus shook his head wildly, though he thoroughly agreed with Sirius’s question of working too hard. He just didn’t want to confess it because then they would tell him to take it easy, and he couldn’t do that.
“No,” Remus said firmly. “It’s just… the full moon’s tomorrow, I’m bound to feel sick.”
“But passing out four times, Remus?” Peter pointed out, walking over toward Remus’s bed. “You’ve never been that sick have you, passing out for times in the span of an hour and a half?”
“Pete’s right, that’s not good for you.”
“I know, McGonagall told me that too.”
“Then why are you doing this to yourself? Do you really think your mother would like you doing this?”
“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
“But it’ll hurt you,” Peter said, a hint of pleading in his voice.
“I don’t care how much it hurts me. Wilkins is wrecking everyone else’s lives, not just mine. He’s only doing it because I care too much about other people.”
“Remus, you said it right there,” Sirius said loudly, highly bothered about what his friend was saying. It was right to care about others, but to do it at such a level that he didn’t care about his own well being… that was far enough. “You don’t care how much you get hurt, but you should. There’s only so much a fourteen-year-old kid can do. You’re bound to get hurt, but don’t try… Work until you know you can’t.”
“Sirius, you don’t get it! I’ll do whatever I have to to get Wilkins out of my life. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want some monster living in me and terrorizing everyone I know. You don’t know what it feels like, to have everyone’s lives ruined around you and knowing that it’s because of you that it’s happening.”
“Remus, it’s not because of you.”
“Yes it is! If I wasn’t always so miserable, Wilkins never would have had a reason to come out. If I wasn’t scared of so many things… Face it, he was right all along. I’m a bloody coward. But I won’t be anymore, if I get rid of the Fearnck.”
“Okay, get rid of it, but don’t work yourself until you’re not able to function,” Peter begged. “Work until you can’t! Like Sirius said.”
“I’m not working until my limit because then I’d never get anything done. If I have to overwork myself, until I’m passing out on the floor, I will. I’m not letting that thing run my life; I’m not going to go mental!” In his anger, Remus stormed off his bed and out of the dormitory before anyone could even think to stop him. James peered out from inside the bathroom and looked questioningly at Sirius, who could do nothing except shake his head.
Remus didn’t return to the dormitory at all that night, instead he had found himself wandering around an empty corridor of the castle, lost in thought. He hadn’t meant to snap at Sirius and Peter the way he had, but his temper had become so short lately that it was all he could do. He didn’t know exactly where he was going, though he didn’t care; he just needed to escape. He could wander around the entire castle for all he cared; he just needed to clear his head.
He stopped as he heard something behind him. Turning around, he saw nothing except the dim outline of the long corridor stretching on, seemingly endless. His eyes darting left and right, he tried to ignore the feeling that he was being followed, and continued on his way, moving towards his unknown destination. As he walked, he thought that maybe he should go and apologise to Sirius and Peter for yelling at them but, checking his watch, he figured they’d probably be asleep now.
Resigning himself to the fact that he’d probably be spending his night sleeping behind a suit of armor, Remus began searching for one that would hide him completely from the school caretaker, Mr. Filch. However, the hallway that he currently standing in was vacant of any possible hiding places and Remus found himself wondering if this had been done on purpose. After all, Wilkins would have loved for Remus to get in trouble with the Headmaster for being out of bounds.
Again he heard a noise behind him, this time louder and more obvious. Instead of looking straight ahead this time, he bent forward and scanned the stone floor for signs of Mr. Filch’s cat, Mrs. Norris. Every student in the school positively loathed that cat, as it was often said that she was used to tip off Filch whenever she caught someone breaking the rules. Right about now, Remus wished she would make her appearance known so that he could give her a good kick in the dark.
And indeed, when he squinted his eyes so much that they were nearly closed, he could see the faint outline of the cat approaching, but it was not alone. Rooted to the spot, he listened as Filch crooned to his cat, promising to punish any student out of bed. Now in a panic, Remus tried desperately to find some place to hide. Running back and forth, thinking angrily that he did not have a hide out, he hardly noticed the door that had materialized out of nowhere.
“That’s right, my sweet,” Filch said to his precious cat, now stooping down to pick her up. “We’ll catch that naughty student, and perhaps Peeves while we’re at it.”
Remus’s breath caught in his throat when he heard how close the caretaker’s voice was. He was dead for sure, where else was left for him to go? Turning around to look, he finally saw the door and, out of fright more than curiosity, he yanked it open and was stunned to find himself in an exact replica of the Gryffindor common room.
Remus’s mouth dropped open when he saw this; had he not just been running frantically around an empty corridor with nothing but portraits on the walls? There was no door there mere minutes ago. But if that was so, then where did this one come from? Why did it look like the common room? Remus, however, was not going to complain at the time, as he heard Filch prowling about outside the room. Looking around, he figured he might as well make himself comfortable.
Pulling off his robe, he set it down on one of the scarlet armchairs and took a seat on the couch. Lying down and shutting his eyes, he thought back to the defence lesson he had, and his head took a painful stab. It had been tiring and he was amazed that he had had enough energy to make it this far without passing out for the fifth time that night. He knew he was overworking himself and that Sirius, James and Peter had every right to be worried, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. He wanted to get this over with before it got any worse… His mother was clinging on to her very life. Remus knew that she was still alive only because Wilkins was permitting it, letting the dread to consume Remus for a long while.
Rolling over onto his side, Remus allowed himself to be lulled away to sleep.
“Where the hell did he go?” James said suddenly the next morning, jerking his roommates awake. Sirius mumbled some nonsense, which was probably a request for James to shut up; although he knew that they had to get up for classes.
Frank, who was more awake, stood up and went over to where James was standing. “Who?” he asked curiously.
“Remus,” James replied. “He’s not in his bed and I don’t think I heard him come in last night.”
“He’s probably fine,” Frank said, turning back to his trunk and getting his clothes out. “He knows what he’s doing; he wouldn’t have gotten himself in trouble.”
James opened his mouth to say something, but ended up saying nothing. Frank was right; Remus was smart enough to not get caught.
Ten minutes later James, Sirius and Peter headed down to the Great Hall and saw that Remus was sitting at the Gryffindor Table, chewing slowly on a piece of toast. He didn’t look up when James and Sirius sat across from him and Peter next to him, he simply went on eating. His stomach lurched painfully when the last bit of toast hit his stomach; he knew he shouldn’t really be eating on the day of a full moon, as food never agreed with him, no matter what it was. But the night before had rendered him oddly empty stomached and so he settled for some toast.
“Where’d you go last night?” James asked Remus. Remus shrugged and muttered something incoherently. “Come again?”
“I dunno,” he answered truthfully. He had asked several of the older students and not one had seemed to be able to recall a room that resembled the Gryffindor common room, outside of the actual common room.
“Seriously, Remus,” James pressed.
“I’m serious,” Remus began.
“No, I am,” Sirius said mockingly.
James rolled his eyes at Sirius and voiced the question yet again.
“I really don’t know where I was,” Remus answered again. “I was in some room that looked like the common room, so I slept there.”
“Why’d you even leave?” James asked, disregarding the bit of info Remus had disclosed.
Remus side glanced at Sirius and looked up at Peter. James hadn’t listened to the arguement the three had had, even though it had been quite loud and James was only in the next room. “No reason,” he said, shrugging his shoulders and returning to his meager breakfast.
“Remus,” James pressed.
“We had a fight, James,” Sirius answered instead. James nodded fairly and asked what it was about. “Well, someone here doesn’t think he’s overworking himself.”
James looked at Remus reprovingly.
“Well, I’m not,” Remus snapped defensively.
“Here we go again,” Peter murmured into his hand.
“Oh shut it, Pete,” Sirius snarled. “We all know you agree but you just don’t want to take sides. James, did you hear Remus say he passed out four times last night. It’s not good for anyone, especially him.”
“Is that true?” James inquired anxiously.
“So what if it is?”
“Look, I know you hate being preached to about this,” James said evenly. “But the point is that you’re never going to be able to do what you want if you don’t cool down a bit. Don’t try as hard.” He waited for Remus to say something, anything at all, to indicate that he had at least considered what James had said to him. When he received no reply, he simply stood up, collected his books and looked over his shoulder at his friend. “At least cut your passing out to three times a lesson?”
Remus cracked a smile. “Yes, dad,” he said sarcastically, picking up his own book bag and slinging it over his shoulder. But, instead of immediately following James, he went to Sirius and Peter. “I’m sorry,” he said bluntly. “I know you were just watching out for me.”
Sirius got up and slapped Remus on the back. “It’s alright,” he said happily. “We know you were just being your stubborn self.”
“Yeah, we can’t hold that against you,” Peter agreed.
Deciding to not say anything else about the arguement that had taken place, except for the fact that Remus had to promise that he would not overexert himself to such a level, they set off for their first period class.
When they entered the dungeons they were met with a strong smell which, as Professor Slughorn explained, was the results of a failed potion that had been simmering over night, a potion that had been created by an incompetent Ravenclaw seventh year the day before. Trying to not breathe as deeply, the four took their usual seats and prepared for whatever Slughorn had up his sleeve.
As it turned out, Slughorn had prepared a simple review of the Shrinking Solution. Simple, yes, for the ordinary potion student, but Remus was not the ordinary potion student. If he ever created a perfect potion he would end up dropping dead of shock before he could receive the credit. The last time he had tried to mix this potion up it had turned the wrong colour because he didn’t add the right amount of spleens. But that had been when he didn’t have friends who knew what they were doing in this class. Perhaps they’d help him.
Even with the help of James, Sirius and Peter combined, Remus’s potion still hadn’t come out correctly; it was too thick, but at least it was the right colour. Remus looked hopelessly into his cauldron and made to sit down, but he was suddenly met with an overwhelming feeling of dizziness and instead gripped the desktop. When the feeling passed, he was able to sit down and stared fixedly at the floor in hopes that it would somehow keep the dizziness from coming back. Chancing a look around the room, he was pleased to see that no one had noticed; they were all too immersed in their work.
He saw, however, that Professor Slughorn had noticed something and he was slowly making his way through the rows of tables towards him. “Are you alright, Mr. Lupin?” he asked quietly.
Remus nodded mutely, though stopping quickly as it increased the pain in his head. Slughorn returned to the class once he was sure Remus wasn’t going to faint, but was suddenly brought back to the student when he began to groan in pain. A pain like no other had settled in the pit of Remus’s stomach and had rendered him unable to do anything except clutch his middle, rock back and forth, and moan as the throbbing sensation increased tenfold.
“Remus?” Slughorn said. Remus didn’t respond; he couldn’t even form words. “James,” he said, snapping his head in James’s direction. “Get Madam Pomfrey, now.” James didn’t need telling twice, he dashed out of the dungeons almost as quick as Slughorn had instructed him to. The class had now become highly interested in what was taking place and began peering over Slughorn’s shoulder to see Remus, who was now deathly pale.
Slughorn shot the class a warning look and they immediately backed away, allowing their classmate to have some space. Remus, though in an intense amount of pain, was still able to make out what some of his classmates were saying and he didn’t like it at all. They were saying all sorts of things, none of them sounding exactly sympathetic. He had distinctly heard someone say that they always knew there was something wrong with that Lupin kid and that this proved it. What other student went to pieces on a monthly basis?
Then a stab like no other pierced Remus’s skull and before he could do anything about it, before he could cry out in pain or move his hand to the spot, a sheet of blackness filled his vision and he saw and heard no more.
When Remus finally came around he found that he was not sitting on the hard wooden chair he had been, but was lying flat on his back on something soft and comfortable. He wanted to open his eyes, but he also wanted to remain in the darkness. It was peaceful and if he opened his eyes he would be brought back to the pain he had been experiencing before he fainted. Still, he couldn’t just lie there all day and not expect it to come back, it would either way.
Wrenching his eyes open, he saw that he was in the Hospital Wing and, judging by the odd silence, Madam Pomfrey was not in the room. Sighing in relief, Remus rested silently on his bed, absolutely dreading the moment when the nurse would appear. Every time something like this happened Madam Pomfrey would insist that Remus should always spend the day of the full moon in the Hospital Wing, as he had done during his first year. Remus had begun his own protest when he entered his second year, loathing the fact that he would have to be locked up in the infirmary all day.
Indeed when Madam Pomfrey burst out of her office, completely fuming, the first thing she said was that Remus should have come to the Hospital Wing first thing in the morning if he was feeling ill. Remus did his best to ignore her, pretending that he had another headache, which wasn’t so far from the truth as he felt one steadily developing. The nurse began filling a goblet with an orange potion and instructed Remus to sit up and drink it, no complaints.
Once he was finished, she snatched the goblet off the nightstand and returned to her office, allowing Remus some peace and quiet. During Potions class he had felt a pain like no other and he knew why it had been as bad as it had been. It was because of those lessons that the full moon was taking a worse toll on him. Normally he would have had enough energy to put up with the effects. Now that he was focusing on the lessons, he had none left to give to the full moon. It hadn’t been so bad for the full moons in January and February but now, being the end of March and also the ten year anniversary of his becoming a werewolf, it was only guaranteed that he would feel this bad.
Remus grinned slightly when he thought that it had been exactly ten years ago on this day that he had been bitten. It was so hard to believe, it had seemed much longer. It felt as if it was at least double the amount of time. There were twelve transformations per year, ten years of being a werewolf, doing the math in his head, had he only gone through one hundred and twenty transformations? No it had not been that precise amount, but it was close. It seemed like he had gone through at least five hundred.
The door to the Hospital Wing opened and for a minute Remus thought that it was his friends, only to have his hopes dashed when he remembered that they had another class. Instead it was Professor McGonagall, looking rather grave.
“What happened?” Remus asked immediately, it was always unsettling to him to see his professor with such an expression on her face.
“I have been thinking, Remus,” she said, looking him straight in the eye. “Perhaps you should take a break from these lessons. They clearly aren’t having a good effect on you.”
Remus frowned; he knew this was coming, although he couldn’t say he was prepared for it. He had already heard it from his friends and that had been hard enough to hear, but now to hear it from Professor McGonagall… Did any of them understand why he was pushing himself the way he was? He shook his head at his teacher.
“I’m not stopping them,” he said bluntly. “No one seems to get why I’m doing what I’m doing.”
“Remus, we understand but-” McGonagall began.
“No you don’t. If you understood then you wouldn’t suggest me stopping. I know it’s not good for me, but I really need to practise. I have a feeling I might be able to do it soon… it’s only a matter of time.”
Again Remus showed his determination to Professor McGonagall and, though she admired it, it always put her in a fix. Should she go with her initial instinct and refuse to teach him until he was healthier? Or should she cave in and give him what he wanted? She knew he was capable of handling this and maybe that was the reason she consented…?
Remus didn’t return to classes at all that day, as Madam Pomfrey refused to let him leave the infirmary until late the next evening. He remained there until he was brought down to the Whomping Willow. Remus had to admit, he was considerably nervous about this full moon. From the one-year mark of his becoming a werewolf, the milestones had always seemed to be worse than all of the other full moons combined. He had no doubt in his mind that this would be the nastiest, being ten years since that fateful day in Hogsmeade.
As he trekked down the long passageway leading to the Shrieking Shack, Remus already felt his limbs beginning to change. He had to hurry if he wanted to be able to transform in the actual shack and not risk the chance of being able to escape out onto the grounds. Breaking into a strained run, he managed to make it to the door leading into the shack. But, just as his hand gripped the cold doorknob, his stomach lurched and what little he had eaten that day came out of him.
His head felt as if it might split in two, his limbs were trembling violently; beaded sweat was falling down his face, dripping off his nose and onto the ground beneath him. He had been right; this would be the most painful… He was beginning to think he might not even make it through the transformation. His arms snapped and cracked as they grew to accommodate their wolfish forms, his legs shrunk and angled at the knees. A tingling sensation spread throughout his body as grey hairs sprouted out of his skins, whiskers coming of his nose, his nose growing into a snout. His nails, usually small and clean, now sharpened into claws with dirt crusted into them.
The werewolf, originally crouched on its knees, raised itself up and sniffed around, gaining its bearings. Coming to discover that it was in a passageway, one with a way out, the wolf began prowling about, searching for the exit. It sniffed about for the fresh night air as it traveled down the tunnel, increasing its steps as the scent became stronger, as he grew closer to his destination. It needed human flesh, it needed to bite and tear at someone other than itself.
The wolf broke through the entrance to the passageway, growling, satisfied, as the cool March air whipped about its face. It was free now, free to go about and find its desire, a human to destroy… food. But there was no one there. There were no students out at this time. Unless, the wolf sniffed more carefully, no… it must have been mistaking, there was a student outside. Its golden eyes glowing dangerously, the wolf scanned the expanding grounds, searching desperately for its prey.
Then he spotted it, a little girl who appeared to be no older than eleven. A first year, lost out on the grounds at night, on a full moon. Yes she was with a wand, but she had no knowledge of how to fend off a werewolf with it. She didn’t even seem to have noticed that a werewolf was approaching her, licking its fangs greedily, imagining the amount of human blood inside her. Then, without warning, the wolf charged, ignoring the feeble protests of its human side. It ran towards the girl, who had finally spotted the impending danger.
The last thing anyone heard of the girl was her petrified scream as the werewolf leapt upon her.