- The pain was unbearable, the physical pain and the mental, his throat constricting and his shoulders shaking, and his mind reeling, why did this happen? -
Blake sat quietly in the Owlery, having just picked up a letter that the family owl, Dreyfus, left for him. It was full of the usual questions “ how was school? Were his friends good? Were his grades up? Was Remus feeling alright? There was also a new addition to the inquiry “ have you found out who attacked him? Blake had, at first, told them that he and Remus didn’t know; he had thought he was being truthful. Now he was teetering on the edge of telling them, just so he could relieve himself of the burden he had been carrying since Remus told him. That had been over a week ago and he had kept it a secret ever since. He didn’t want to betray his brother’s confidence, though Remus had never said that he didn’t want their parents to know. Blake just had that feeling.
He was now sitting on the straw scattered floor, lazily petting Dreyfus as he stared at the blank piece of parchment he was supposed to be writing on. No one knew how badly he wanted to come out and say who did this, but it wasn’t right. Well it was; it would solve a lot of problems that could arise from him keeping silent. It was wrong because Remus clearly wanted to figure this out for himself. Why did he have to be like that? That was the one question that Blake was thinking as he turned the paper over, possibly hoping for some hint on the other side, only to find nothing. His brother was too stubborn for his own good and, because of it, he left Blake in a mind boggling situation.
If anyone had the right to know what happened, it was their parents. They cared for him more than anyone else (except for Blake, perhaps) and they needed to know. It wasn’t fair to keep them in the dark; it wasn’t fair that no one knew, not even his friends. Blake was fed up, so fed up that he felt a strong urge to take it out on someone, and he knew who. He stood up so abruptly that Dreyfus hooted angrily and flew up high into the rafters, only after nipping Blake hard on the ear. He was going to find that Wilkins and give him a piece of his mind. He didn’t care what this kid was capable of; he was ruining their lives.
Dinner was currently going on in the Great Hall, so he knew where to find him. He hurried down the steps to the Entrance Hall and made his way towards the Great Hall, to find it still full of teachers and students. He stood off to the side of the entrance and scanned the Slytherin table, trying to find that sorry excuse for a kid. At last spotting him, he walked over, trying to look as casual as possible. Wilkins was sitting with Snape, talking quietly as they both poked at what appeared to be a green piece of chicken. Maybe someone poisoned it, Blake thought wildly. He certainly wouldn’t mind it at the moment. He knelt down besides Wilkin, once he approached, and hissed in his ear,
“Can I talk to you?”
Wilkins looked at him strangely, but complied, shaking his head at Snape who had stood up to follow. Folding his arms across his chest, he followed Blake out of the Hall. Blake led him out onto the snow covered grounds, all the while thinking of how he should yell at Wilkins. Maybe he could throw in a few swear words? Or he could just get straight to the point. He was rather good at yelling for a really long time and still making sense by the time he finished. All he wanted to do, though, was find out how this kid hurt Remus. Giving Wilkins a piece of his mind didn’t sound all that bad of an idea, either.
They were soon at the edge of the lake, which, miraculously, had not frozen over yet. Wilkins appeared to have noticed this as well, and he seemed rather pleased about this. Blake chose to ignore Wilkins expression and looked over at the Giant Squid, who had resurfaced for one reason or another. He then turned to Wilkins, who was watching him intently, though with a bored look.
“Well, Lupin, what do you want?” Wilkins asked, in a voice that suggested he wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible.
“What’d you do to my brother?” Blake asked, listening to the tone in the boy’s voice, and he also didn’t want to stay with him as long as he had to.
Wilkins took an offended step backwards and dropped his jaw. Clearly he thought he was a good actor, but Blake wasn’t buying it for a second. This kid was the reason Remus nearly died; he wasn’t supposed to take that lying down. If he let it persist, Remus could be worse off than he already was.
“Lupin, what are you talking about?” Wilkins asked exasperatedly.
“My brother said that you were the last person he was with before he was attacked! Who else could have done it?”
“Maybe Fang did.”
“Fang was sleeping, you idiot! And why would Fang want to hurt Remus?”
“He’s a dog… much like your brother.”
Blake’s fists clenched painfully, Wilkins was pushing it, nobody, absolutely nobody could call Remus a dog. “I want to know what you did to Remus!”
“You want to know what I did to Remus?”
“Why do you think I’m asking?”
“Fine, it was all very simple. Your brother simply told me what he fears the most. I caught him off guard, made him scared and he figured had no choice but to answer. He was afraid of accidentally killing himself during a transformation. Of course I couldn’t kill him because I couldn’t make his other nightmares come true. But, you know, I think I can now, starting right here with you.”
“I dunno… Madam Pomfrey hasn’t told me if I can actually have fun yet,” Remus was saying, as he watched his friends prepare for their trek out onto the grounds. He did want to go with them, but Madam Pomfrey had continued watching him like a hawk, never giving any clear indicator of when she was going to stop. A walk on the grounds did seem nice though, after being cooped up in the castle for so long.
“Come on, Remus,” Sirius whined. “It’s not like we’re going to throw you in the lake or anything. We’re just going for a walk.”
It was true that going for a walk was alright with the nurse, even if it was in freezing temperatures. So he told his friends to go down without him and he would catch up in a few minutes. He slid off his bed and looked around for his cloak. Glancing out onto the grounds, he could see that it had to be fairly cold, as ice was forming on the edges of the window. He also saw, unless he was just imagining things, a large dog - or was it a wolf? “ running towards the Forbidden Forest. He thought it might have been Fang, but he could hear the boarhound barking from inside Hagrid’s hut. He shook the thought out of his head, thinking that it was no big deal, and continued looking for his cloak, which ended up being under his bed.
Fastening the silver clasps on his cloak, he made his way into the common room, which was rather full with students. It was, once again, far too cold even for the rowdiest students to go outside, so they had taken refuge in the common room. James, Sirius, and Peter had no perception of cold, they didn’t mind going outside. One of the students inside was Lily Evans; she appeared to be coming up from dinner and was conversing with her friend Alice Gordon. As Remus passed them, on his way outside, she turned to talk to him, only after Alice left her, saying that she would go get her Gobstones set.
“I never thought I’d see the day when Remus Lupin was friends with Potter, Black and Pettigrew,” she said, watching her friend ascend the stairs to the girls’ dormitory.
“Well, I didn’t either,” he agreed. “I know you don’t like them, but they’re actually nice.”
Lily raised a sceptical eyebrow, but questioned him no further about his friends.
“How’re you feeling?” she asked instead.
“Good. Madam Pomfrey still won’t let me do anything fun, but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” He smiled, thinking what he said was rather funny, but Lily apparently thought he was being foolish.
“It’ll just hurt you.”
“I’m careful. Listen, I’m supposed to meet James, Sirius and Peter outside, so I guess I’ll see you later, then.”
As Remus turned to leave, Lily stopped him again. “Do you know who did it to you?”
“No… I really can’t remember anything.”
Before Lily could question him any further, he dashed out of the portrait hole. He didn’t like that no one knew who his attacker was; it only made things more complicated. This brought him back to his original problem; he wasn’t able to prove Wilkins did it because he didn’t know how he did it. What was he supposed to tell people? He couldn’t go on saying he didn’t remember for the rest of his life. All memories resurface eventually, although you may not be able to tell where they came from. Remus had a strong feeling that he would know where that one came from if he really couldn’t remember.
Wilkins was making him into a liar, and not a very good one. The look on Lily’s face when he said he couldn’t remember proved that to him. She knew he was able to recall almost every single detail about his attacker, except how he actually did it. Remus sometimes felt disgusted with himself because he wasn’t able to figure it out. He knew he shouldn’t, but he had always been good at figuring things out when no one else could. This had happened to him and he didn’t know; he was just fed up with it.
He stepped out into the shin deep snow, shivering heavily as the cold air whipped and cut his face. He folded his arms across his chest, hoping that this could warm him somewhat, and looked around for his friends. Remus had almost forgotten how cold it could be outside, as he had been avoiding the grounds since he got out of the Hospital Wing. When his friends asked him to come for a walk, he couldn’t refuse. He needed the fresh air, anyway. He saw them near the lake. Judging by the way they were standing, they seemed to be looking at something that he couldn’t see from his distance. Whatever it was, they seemed very keen on hiding it. Curious, he ran towards them. As he got closer, he could hear them whispering hurriedly and he managed to catch his name in the bout of whispers.
“Peter, go head Remus off,” James was saying nervously, shoving Peter in the direction of the castle. “Tell him you need help with your Potions homework.”
“But Remus is terrible at Potions,” Peter argued.
“Well, then offer to help him!” Sirius shouted, throwing his arms up in the air. “Just keep him off the grounds. Don’t let him see this!”
“See what?” Remus asked, stepping forward to try and see what they were looking at.
The three boys bunched together to block it from view; they couldn’t let Remus see; not now. They had to prepare him; it was too horrible for him to just look at and not be ready. They knew they weren’t ready to see it when they first came upon it. Remus definitely wouldn’t be able to; he’d have a breakdown and they didn’t want to witness that. They had to tell Remus what they were hiding before letting him look.
“Guys,” Remus said slowly, craning his neck. “What are you hiding?”
“Remus,” Sirius said, reaching out his hand and placing it on Remus’s shoulder. “We need to prepare you for what you’re about to see.”
“Just let me look.” He broke out of Sirius’s grip and walked around the boys, who quickly turned to block it again. “This isn’t funny.”
“It’s not supposed to be.” The boys reluctantly stepped aside to let Remus view what they had been hiding.
Remus’s breath caught painfully in his throat when he saw it. His mind went numb and his limbs instantly began trembling. He shook his head wildly as if that might help rid his mind of the image before him, maybe make it disappear. Maybe it would get it away from him. Maybe he would wake up from this dream and find that he was still in his bed. There was no way this was happening.
Lying spread eagle on the ground, showing no signs of life, was Blake. His head was sopping with water that mixed with whatever blood was flowing out of him. His face was a ghostly white colour, disfigured with gashes and smashed bones. His eyelids were half open, revealing unseeing eyes that stared right through Remus. Remus knelt down and shook his brother, trying to wake him up, though he knew it was impossible.
“There’s no pulse, Remus,” James said quietly. “We already checked.”
Remus only looked up at James and nodded. James, Sirius and Peter didn’t know what to say. What could they say to their friend who just saw his brother’s dead body? They only waited for Remus to say something and when he did, they weren’t expecting what came out.
“I’ll kill him!” he yelled. “I’ll kill the little son of a-. I’ll kill him! I’ll kill him!” He took a deep, uneven breath as his body shook violently. He was caught up in a violent rage; he wanted revenge… sweet, sweet revenge. “I’ll kill him… I’ll-.” He couldn’t go on anymore; he did just as they predicted he would. He broke down. He sobbed uncontrollably into the lifeless body that had once been his brother.
“Remus…” Sirius said, stooping down next to him and putting his arm around his friend’s shoulder. Sirius looked up at James, “go get Dumbledore.”
James nodded, with a sick look on his face as he saw Remus deteriorating before them.
Peter knelt down on the other side of Remus, as he and Sirius did their best to comfort him, knowing the whole time that it was useless. Remus’s brother was gone. The one person who would risk everything for Remus had died, probably for that very reason.
“What happened to him, Remus?”
“I told you, I don’t know.”
“Remus, you saw him! They let you see him!”
“No one let me see him!”
“Answer the question, Remus.”
“Tom, leave him alone! He’s been through enough without you doing this to him.”
Mr. and Mrs. Lupin had been called up to the castle immediately, once James alerted Professor Dumbledore about what had happened. Cassie would be coming soon with Lucy, who was with their grandparents. Remus strongly doubted that they had told his little sister what happened; it would scar her for life. They were now sitting in the Headmaster’s office, waiting for Dumbledore to come back from talking with the Minister of Magic.
Mr. Lupin was not taking this well. He was beside himself with grief that showed as he forced his youngest son to tell him what happened, though Remus clearly didn’t know. Mrs. Lupin was sitting in the chair beside her son, glaring dangerously at her husband. She kept her arm across Remus’s shoulder as he fought to remain calm as he listened to his dad yelling at him.
“I’m sorry, Remus,” Mr. Lupin said, taking his seat at last. “How did this happen?” he whispered to himself.
Remus broke free from his mother and walked away from his parents, fighting with his thoughts the whole time. He had to tell them who it was. Who else could it be? It had to be that little jerk… and it was his, Remus’s, fault that it happened. If he had just told someone who it was that attacked him then this could have been avoided. Blake would still be alive! Blake would still be there, alive and healthy and happy, not a blank void. He hated himself; he was more of a murderer than Wilkins was. If only he wasn’t so stubborn.
“Remus, where are you going?” his mother asked when she saw him stepping out of the room.
“I don’t know,” he answered bluntly. He shut the door and, just as he was stepping off the revolving staircase, he found himself face to face with Professor Dumbledore.
“Hullo Remus,” he said softly, his usually sparkling eyes cold with grief and determination to catch the culprit.
“Hi Professor,” Remus said.
“Why aren’t you with your family?”
“I don’t want to be.”
“I understand, everyone has their own way of grieving.” He stepped aside to allow Remus passage.
Remus didn’t feel right being with his parents; he was just as guilty as the actual murderer was. He didn’t deserve to be with those people who had nothing weighing on their conscience. He walked dejectedly down the corridor, thankful that it was free of students and ghosts alike. If someone was there it would only bring out questions that he wasn’t willing to answer, not yet at least. The absence of students in the corridor proved that they knew something had happened.
The corner of Remus’s mouth twitched and his eyes began to burn again. He did his best to stay cool; all the while thinking that the Calming Draught he had been given was wearing off. He wasn’t going to start crying again. He had been crying for hours, ever since his parents had gotten to the school and it finally became real to him.
He found himself walking past the Hospital Wing and, despite the fact that he knew he shouldn’t, he peered inside the window and saw the bed that contained his brother’s body. He couldn’t see the body though; it was covered with a white sheet. Even just looking at the sheet broke him. He couldn’t take it; he collapsed to the floor, buried his face in his arms, and began crying. Nothing was fair. Life was just this cruel game someone created to make people miserable. Remus couldn’t stand it, he wanted it to all end. He wanted to stop the madness! It was always the good people who were taken away, never the bad. They were always allowed to walk free, to go through life unscathed, without a conscience or a soul. They had no voice inside them that told them what they were doing was wrong; they went through life without a care in the world! They took away the lives of others without blinking an eye and now Blake was one of their victims.
The pain was unbearable, the physical pain and the mental, his throat constricting, his shoulders shaking, and his mind reeling. Why did this happen? That was all he could think; he wanted to know why it was his brother. What did he do to deserve such a fate?
Remus wiped his eyes on his sleeve and tried steadying himself long enough to stand up so he could return to the common room. He just wanted to sleep right now. He thought that crying would make him feel better, but it just made him tired. He needed to sleep.
“Mr. Lupin?” Remus turned around to see Professor McGonagall approaching him, an unnaturally sad expression on her face. “Oh, Mr. Lupin, I’m so sorry…” Remus nodded, unsure of what to say. “When the Headmaster told me what happened… it shouldn’t have been Blake.” Remus nodded again, that was the most honest thing he’d heard all day. “He would’ve been Head Boy, you know. He could have been whatever he wanted.”
Remus’s heart clenched painfully as he listened to the professor’s words. Blake could have been anything he wanted. He was going to be Head Boy, just like their parents wanted, but now he couldn’t be.
“Your friends are looking for you, Remus,” Professor McGonagall said suddenly. “They want to see if you’re all right.”
“I really don’t want to see anyone right now, Professor.”
“I understand. Just go see them for a moment; they’re worried.”
Remus nodded and continued on his way. He really didn’t want to see anyone; he just wanted to sleep. Was that too much to ask? He just wanted to sleep this whole day off; maybe it would lessen the pain, even if only a little. There was a part of him that wanted to talk about this with someone, but not with his parents or a professor. He needed to talk to his friends; they would be able to console him. They could get him through this, or at least help him a little. He wondered vaguely if Professor Dumbledore had informed the school. His question was answered immediately when he walked into the eerily quiet common room. If he had told anyone, he had at least told the Gryffindors. All around were the sullen faces of usually happy Gryffindors, especially the sixth years. When Remus entered the room he could have sworn he saw them all glance at each other, as if they were sharing some secret message. Remus looked around and saw that his friends weren’t in the common room, so he weaved through the groups of students and went up to the dormitory.
He entered the dormitory to see James, Sirius and Peter sitting on James’s bed, conversing quietly, presumably about Remus, as they stopped the moment they saw him walk in.
“McGonagall said you wanted to see me,” he said in an expressionless voice.
“We just wanted to see if you were okay,” Sirius said.
“Well I’m not, were you expecting something else?” He dropped down on his bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. “I dunno… I want to talk, but I don’t wanna talk. I just want to sleep and forget about this. Merlin, I’m mixed up.” He could hear one of them stand up and make his way over towards him. Glancing over, he could see that it was James.
“Remus, none of us knows what to say to you,” he said truthfully. “We don’t want to tell you that we know what you’re going through, because we don’t.”
“Good,” Remus muttered. “I hate when people say that.” James visibly flinched and Remus noticed how harsh his voice sound. “I’m sorry,” he said, sitting up and resting his forehead in his hand.
“You don’t have to be sorry.”
“I don’t know what to be or what to do. My dad was interrogating me before, probably thinking it was my fault this happened and you know what? He’s right.”
James, Sirius, and Peter shook their heads at each other; there was no way he was going to do this to himself. He was not going to sit there and tell himself that it was his fault his brother was dead.
Sirius sat down at the foot of Remus’s bed and looked him sternly in the eye.
“You’re not doing this to yourself,” he said. “It’s not your fault.”
“You don’t understand, I should’ve said something!”
Sirius looked at James and Peter and jerked his head towards the other side of the room. They followed Sirius and there they decided that this must have been what Remus meant when he was saying that he would kill someone. Remus had to have known who it was that killed his brother. It must have been the same person who attacked him. He was going to beat himself up over this because he knew something bad was going to happen, but he didn’t know exactly what.
They went back over to Remus, where, slowly and carefully, James asked him, “Who did it, Remus?”
“Larry Wilkins,” Remus answered, wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his robes.
“The Slytherin?” Peter said confusedly. “The one that hangs out with Snape?”
Remus nodded. “He was the one who attacked me. He was probably the one who messed up that Quidditch match, too. There’s something not right with him and he’s taking it out on my family!” He took another jagged breath and rested his head on his knees. “It’s like all of my worst nightmares are coming true.”
“Remus, try going to sleep,” Peter suggested. “Clear your head. Maybe you’ll feel a little better when you wake up.”
Remus nodded, pulled the covers over himself, and shut his eyes. He knew he wouldn’t feel better when he woke up. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to clear his head, and he knew that, when he woke up, the pain of losing Blake would be just as great. He could only imagine the pain his brother must have gone through before he died; it had to have been worse than how Remus felt when he woke up after being attacked. He was all wet when they found him; Wilkins must have drowned him after destroying him the way he did. He was all torn up, parts of his face completely smashed. The image of Blake made Remus shiver involuntarily. He didn’t think he would ever forget it.
Of all the people in the world, why his brother? He had done nothing to deserve such a fate. What had he done to set Wilkins off? What was he doing the moment he encountered him? Had he been looking for a fight? Was he the one who started it? If so, then he brought it upon himself. No, don’t think that, Remus told himself firmly. He was not going to say it was Blake’s own fault he died. He knew what Wilkins was capable of, but he never expected Wilkins was capable of death. Blake knew that he was the one who had done it to Remus; that was why he had gone after him. Blake knew what he was getting himself into. Remus knew one thing “ no matter how Blake’s fate was decided, he could only hope he had found peace wherever he was. Remus hoped that Blake was somewhere he deserved. Blake could have been anything he wanted to, but his life was cut short before he had the chance. Maybe, in another lifetime, he could give his little brother the love that he had given Remus… maybe, just maybe…