- "It is never easy to acknowledge the loss of someone, especially someone who was in the prime of his life." -
The Great Hall was silent as the students waited for Professor Dumbledore to make his announcement. The Gryffindors knew full well what Dumbledore what about to tell them, as they had heard the day before, but the rest of the houses were baffled. None of the school houses were permitted to leave their common room the night before, so word had not yet spread. The professors and ghosts weren’t allowed to tell anyone what had happened either, which also prevented knowledge from leaking. The Hall was draped in black “ a symbol of Blake’s death, though not all of the students knew this.
Professor Dumbledore stood from his seat at the Staff Table and looked around at all of the students.
“I am not quite sure how to say this,” he began, looking meaningfully over at the Gryffindor table, his eyes lingering on Remus for a moment. “It is never easy to acknowledge the loss of someone, especially someone who was in the prime of his life.” There was a rush of whispers amongst three of the house tables; they were clearly wondering who the Headmaster was talking about. “I do not need to remind the Gryffindors that one of their own was taken from them, but the rest of you need to know. Yesterday, sixth year, Blake Lupin, was killed on the grounds of this castle.” He looked around at the wide eyes of the students before continuing. “We do not know how this happened, but we are doing all we can to ensure that this does not happen again. I ask you to respect Blake’s family. Offer your condolences, but do not badger them about this. It is a… terrible thing… to lose someone in such a way, especially if they had not done anything to deserve such a fate. I ask you, when the time comes, to think of him as a person who could have been anything he wanted to; a person who cared so much for the people in his life. Think of him as the remarkable person he was.” Professor Dumbledore looked around the Hall once more and resumed his seat.
It took quite a while for talk to start amongst the students. When it did, it was either stunted or full of shock. At the Gryffindor table James, Sirius, and Peter were doing their best to make sure that the students listened to what Dumbledore had said “ not to badger anyone in Blake’s family, particularly Remus. Luckily, Remus didn’t have to worry about the inquiries, as Professor McGonagall had just appeared at his side to tell him that it was time to leave. Remus would be heading home with his family so they could have a quiet funeral for Blake. He got up to follow the professor out of the Hall, his friends trailing behind. Professor McGonagall led them out into the Entrance Hall, where Remus’s parents and sisters were waiting.
“Remus,” James said. “Are you going to be alright?”
He shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe I will be when I get back.”
With that, the Lupins set off towards the gates of the school where they could Side-Along Apparate with Remus and Lucy. The walk to the grounds couldn’t have possibly been longer than it seemed. The grass appeared to stretch on endlessly before them, making the gates seem so miniscule, even as they drew closer to them. Remus didn’t really know if he wanted to go home. If he went home then it would make Blake’s death real… make it absolutely irretrievable. He didn’t want to face the moment when he had to be honest with himself and know that there wasn’t any chance that his brother could still be alive. He couldn’t pretend forever.
He could feel Cassie’s eyes on the back of his head; she was clearly trying to figure out what to say to him. She never did say anything, for which Remus was grateful. He didn’t want anyone prying at the moment; he needed to think. His friends seemed to respect that, as they had not mentioned Blake or anything relating to him. It felt as if it had been a week since it happened, rather than a day. Life was slowly stretching on. Remus stumbled slightly as the hill sloped further, but quickly steadied himself. He went on, keeping his eyes on the ground as it moved with him. Looking up meant that he would have to face his family and he wasn’t ready to do that yet.
He had been trying to figure out a way to tell his family that he knew who the culprit was, and that Professor Dumbledore didn’t have to have the Ministry investigating. It would save everyone a lot of trouble if he just told them, but he was afraid to. He knew everyone would hate him for it, especially all the Gryffindors; they would blame him for Blake’s death. They would claim that Remus knew something bad was going to happen. Truthfully, he knew that something was going to happen; he just didn’t know what exactly. There were so many horrible things that could occur that he could never have predicted that it would be the murder of his brother.
They were now on the opposite side of the gates, Hogwarts still visible to them, but they were now able to Apparate back home. Mr. Lupin went to help Remus, but Remus shrunk away towards his older sister. He felt uneasy around his father, since he was not very understanding of the whole situation. The way he had yelled at him in Dumbledore’s office the day before, it was enough to scare anyone off. Mr. Lupin looked at his daughter, who nodded in a knowing way. So, sighing in defeat, Mr. Lupin took hold of Lucy’s hand. They disappeared with a faint pop. Mrs. Lupin quickly followed them, leaving Remus and Cassie.
“We don’t have to go straight home,” she said to him.
Remus looked up at her and saw that she looked like she wanted to be home as much as he did. “Won’t they get mad?” he asked unenthusiastically. He very much wanted to go anywhere but his house, but he didn’t want to upset his parents.
Cassie shrugged lazily. “I don’t much care if they do,” she said. “Besides, I need to tell you something.”
Remus asked her what she needed to say, but she refused to answer until he agreed to go to the Three Broomsticks with her. It was early in the morning, so they were guaranteed some quiet. Despite the fact that he didn’t want to upset his parents, his curiosity was far greater. So he took his sister’s arm and felt it twist in his hands as she prepared to Apparate.
It wasn’t the most comfortable feeling; it felt as if he was being compressed into a small box and then swiftly released as they appeared at their destination. Remus stumbled forward, nearly falling on his face, but Cassie caught him before he could. She wordlessly led him towards the Three Broomsticks, leaving Remus to wonder what she had to tell them. Whatever it was, it had to have been important if she was willing to send their parents into frenzy, wondering where they went. Still, although he had no idea what it was, he knew it wasn’t good and that it involved Blake, in one way or another.
Cassie was right in saying that the Three Broomsticks would be empty. There was no one there except for Madam Rosmerta, who was sitting lazily at the bar counter, wiping the same spot repeatedly. She looked up with wide eyes when she saw them enter. She was apparently very startled to find people in her pub at such an early hour. She hurriedly got the butterbeers that Cassie asked for, and then went, rather reluctantly, back to her cleaning.
Cassie led Remus towards a seat all the way in the back. The moment they sat down she plunged in. “I don’t know why I decided to tell you this now,” she said. Remus looked at her strangely. “But… I know you need to know this and that Mum and Dad wouldn’t want me to say this now, since Blake only just died.” So Remus was right in thinking that it had to do with his brother. This only made the uneasy feeling in his chest deepen. “Do you remember much after you got bitten?” she went on hesitantly. Remus shrugged his shoulders; he remembered very little, and what little that was, was blurry. “Do you remember anything that has to do with your brother?”
“No,” Remus said slowly, the confusion mounting with each word Cassie spoke.
She sighed and went on. “That’s because he didn’t want to be near you after it happened.” It took a few minutes before Remus fully processed what she had just said. Had she just told him that Blake was afraid of him, like every other person who rejected him for what he was? Was she for real? He didn’t want to believe her; why was she telling him this now? Of all times, she had to tell him this now? “I know you always thought he was never scared of you,” Cassie continued, looking as though she wanted to get this out before Remus could say anything. “But he was scared… really scared. Remember when you two shared a room? He refused to sleep in it. Mum and Dad had to fight with him to get him to.”
Remus was shaking his head furiously; he wanted her to stop telling him these lies. Why was she doing this to him? Didn’t she think that losing Blake was bad enough? Now she had to add this on top of it… that he was actually scared of him? No, she was lying; she just had to be. This had to be some sick trick his parents had cooked up to get him to tell them what happened to Blake. If he was in his normal state of mind, that would have made very little sense, but now it was the most sensible thing he had thought for a while. Cassie apparently sensed what was going on in his mind, as she tried to convince him that she was telling the truth. But Remus wouldn’t hear any of it; he couldn’t take any more lies.
“Will you stop it?” he snapped, causing Madam Rosmerta to nearly slip off her stool. Cassie also looked startled; she didn’t expect an angry outburst. “Why are you doing this to me? Are you trying to get me to tell you who did it?”
“No Remus!” Cassie stammered.
“Then what are you telling me this for? Do you want me to think he was a bad person who was afraid of his brother? Is that it? Or are you just trying to make yourself look better because I know you were scared of me too?”
“Remus, I’m not trying to-.”
“Just stop talking about it then! I don’t want to hear it! Not now…” He got up and started moving away from the table. “Can we just go home? Please?” Cassie sat still for a moment, unsure of whether she should move or stay where she was. But Remus appeared to have calmed down, even if it was only a little. Deciding that the best thing to do was leave, she got up and left the pub with her brother.
Once outside, they prepared to Apparate and this time Remus was ready for the hideous sensation he received from it. Cassie gripped his forearm, twisted around and soon the compressed feeling returned, once again disappearing as quickly as it came. They found themselves standing in their kitchen almost instantly. Being in the kitchen, however, wasn’t where they wanted to be at the moment, as the second they turned around they saw their parents sitting at the table, fuming. Cassie smiled guiltily and tried shooing Remus away; she saw no reason for him to be blamed for something that wasn’t his idea.
His parents weren’t going to let him get away that easily.
“Remus, get back here,” his father said firmly.
Remus stopped just as he was about to set his foot on the stairs and turned around, walking dejectedly back into the kitchen. His mother and father looked as though, if they were capable, they would have steam spurting from their ears. He didn’t understand why they were so mad; it wasn’t as if he had wandered off by himself. Cassie was with him, and it was her idea, after all.
“Where did you two go?” Mr. Lupin asked, struggling to keep his voice even.
“What do you care?” Cassie replied in an expressionless voice.
This was not a smart thing on her part; it only fueled their parents on.
“What do we care?” Mrs. Lupin repeated. “I’ll tell you what we care about “ there is someone out there who killed Blake! There is someone out there who attacked Remus! There’s someone out there who has it in for this family and we do not want any one of you going off and not telling us where! I don’t care if you’re of age, Cassie,” she added when she saw her daughter open her mouth to speak. “The point is, we don’t know who killed you brother and if you two are going to be so stupid to-.”
Remus had it; he couldn’t take it anymore. First, Cassie telling him that Blake was afraid of him, and now their mother was raging at them like this. He couldn’t take it.
“Will you just shut up?” he yelled wrathfully. The kitchen went eerily still. Neither Cassie, nor Blake, nor Remus, not even Lucy, had ever told their parents to shut up. None of the four Lupin children had ever said that, and now for Remus to yell it out as he did… it was unheard of.
“Remus, you do NOT tell your mother to shut up,” Mr. Lupin snarled, rising out of his chair.
“And she shouldn’t be saying that Cassie’s stupid!” Remus snarled back, his voice rising with every word. Even if he wasn’t happy with his sister, his mother had no right to say she was stupid. “Because I know who did this! I know who attacked me! I know who killed Blake! And I could’ve stopped it! So it’s my fault, you hear me? It’s my fault! I’m the stupid one. It is MY fault that Blake’s dead!” Before anyone could stop him, he burst out of the kitchen and pounded loudly on the stairs as he ran up them.
He made his way to his room, climbing up the next flight of stairs that led to his attic bedroom and, once inside, slammed the door shut behind him. He leaned back against the door and slid down it, drawing his knees up to his chest, which was heaving up and down at a rapid pace, as his breath came in jaggedly. He didn’t like to admit it, but he hated his parents for saying what they said, and he hated himself for yelling at them the way he did. But it was all he could do to keep himself from melting down again. It was his way of grieving and his parents would have to accept that. Even Dumbledore said that everyone had their own way… this was his.
It was his fault that Blake was dead; they were just going to have to understand that. If he had opened his mouth and told someone who attacked him… if he had just told somebody then his brother would still be there with them. He knew that it was Wilkins who had attacked him; he just couldn’t prove it. Still… if he had just mentioned it to the Headmaster, it would have raised some curiosity. Maybe they would have given Wilkins some Veritasserum and gotten the truth out of him. Why hadn’t he thought of that in the first place?
He felt the door opening behind him and he pushed his back against it to prevent it from doing so. It had to be his parents or Cassie coming to either talk or to yell and he wasn’t in the mood to listen to them. Someone tried opening it again and he pushed it shut once more.
“Remus?” said the small voice of Lucy.
Remus hesitated for a moment. Lucy hadn’t done anything to him; she didn’t even know what was going on. Their parents had just told her something bad had happened to Blake; they didn’t bother to tell her that he was dead. She deserved to know what happened; he was her brother after all. So, Remus stood up and let her in.
Lucy stumbled forward, having been leaning on the door, but Remus got her before she fell. Getting a close look at her, he could see that she was severely shaken. She knew that whatever happened was worse than what her parents were letting on. The shouting in the kitchen wasn’t helping much, either.
“Why were you yelling?” she asked. Remus shrugged, despite himself. He didn’t want to tell his five year old sister, even though he knew he had to. But Lucy made it so he had to tell. “You said someone was dead.”
Remus sighed and sat down on his bed, gesturing for her to sit down beside him. She looked scared… he had to tell her.
“Someone’s dead,” he concurred.
“Who?” she asked nervously.
“Blake.”
Lucy was silent for a moment, taking in what her brother had just said. Remus got up from his bed and sat down at his desk, purposely facing away from her. He couldn’t stand to see the look on her face. Even a five year old could understand the concept of death; she was able to know that he was never coming back.
“How?” she asked in a smaller voice.
“Someone killed him at school.”
“But you said it was your fault. You didn’t kill him?”
Remus sighed and rubbed his temples tiredly. Sneaking a look at the clock on his wall, he could see that it was only ten thirty. Why did he feel so tired? Looking back around at his sister, he could see that her face had went as white as a sheet and her eyes were as round as they could be, filling up with tears. He hated this…
“I as good as killed him,” he muttered.
“You killed him, then?” Lucy whispered, utterly terrified.
“I didn’t actually do it,” Remus said hurriedly. The last thing he wanted her to think was that he actually murdered Blake. He didn’t want her to think that he actually stuck Blake’s head under the water until he couldn’t breathe anymore. He didn’t want her to think that he beat him until there was no way he could ever be healed, even with magic. “I know who did it. I knew that the person who attacked me was going to try and do something else. But I didn’t know what. I should’ve said something… I should’ve told Dumbledore! That’s why I as good as killed Blake, because if I said something, then he’d still be here.”
In frustration he kicked his desk, receiving a sharp pain in his foot, but he didn’t care. This pain was nothing compared to how his brother probably felt. Remus thought he deserved the pain, it was his fault.
“But you really didn’t do it?” Lucy asked fearfully.
“No,” he said, his voice choking up. “But I could’ve stopped it from happening.”
He took a breath, steadying himself before saying anything else. Taking another brief look at her, Remus discovered something. After what Cassie had told him at the Three Broomsticks, that Blake was afraid of him at one point because he was a werewolf, he realised that Lucy was the only one who wasn’t. She was the only one who didn’t, at one point or another, run away from him. Even if she was only five, she still knew what Remus was and she was at the age where she could be convinced to believe anything. But she never believed for a second that Remus was someone to be afraid of.
Getting up from his desk, he went over to his bed and sat down. She was the only one who was never afraid of him… Cassie was, Blake was, possibly his parents, even he was afraid of himself at one point. Pulling his sister into a hug, struggling to stay calm, he said,
“Thank you.”
“For what?” Lucy asked, looking at him peculiarly.
“For not being scared of me.”
Apparently Remus was not in any position to tell Lucy what happened, as the events that followed were not in the least bit pleasant. As it seemed, Mr. Lupin had been coming up the stairs to talk with his son, to explain that it wasn’t his fault, when he heard Remus tell Lucy that Blake was killed. He went back down the stairs to inform his wife of this. The second time he came up the stairs, Lucy was gone and Remus was sleeping. Mr. Lupin didn’t care that his son was sleep, he woke him up anyway and the arguement that followed was the worst that they had ever had.
Mr. Lupin and Remus never really fought before. Sure they went at it once in a while, but it was usually about something so trivial that they forgot about within the span of three minutes. Never had they gone at it as they were that day. It started with Mr. Lupin shaking his son awake, which was already enough to set Remus off at this point. Mr. Lupin pointed an accusing finger in his face and told Remus that he had no right to tell his sister what happened. Remus, still a little drowsy, took some time to process what his dad was yelling at him about. When he got it, he was not happy.
Remus went on to say that he had as much as right to tell her than anyone in the house and that it wasn’t fair that she was kept in the dark about something as important as her brother’s death. His face was a violent shade of red, one to match the colour of his father’s face. The two went back and forth for at least twenty minutes, neither one deciding to back down and admit they were wrong. Remus wouldn’t admit to his father that he shouldn’t have told Lucy what happened, even though he knew very well that he was supposed to. Mr. Lupin, on the other hand, wouldn’t admit that he shouldn’t have been yelling at his son the way he was. Mr. Lupin was so infuriated at his son that he shoved him backwards into the wall and left the room, but not before muttering something that sounded distinctly like, “damn half-breed.”
Remus sat on his bed, completely stunned, rubbing the back of his head, which had connected painfully with the wall. That man wasn’t his father; his father would never have yelled at him like that, and he never would have pushed him into a wall and call him a half-breed. He half expected his father to come back in and apologise, but after ten minutes of waiting, he knew that an apology was not coming. He closed his eyes in pain as his head throbbed, and cautiously left his room to get the icepack from the bathroom.
As he made his way down the stairs, he could hear his parents talking in the kitchen. At first he decided not to listen to it; it would probably just set him off again. When he heard his name crop up in the conversation, he stepped into the bathroom and stuck his head through the doorway just enough to be able to listen.
“-don’t know what came over me,” his father was saying in an odd voice, much unlike the voice he had been using fifteen minutes previously when he was fighting with Remus.
“You called your son a half-breed,” his mother said in a slow, anger filled, voice. “What’s the matter with you?”
“I don’t know… it’s like I wasn’t even myself. I was just so mad at him for telling Lucy what happened.”
“Don’t you understand? He thinks it’s his fault; he thinks that he’s supposed to tell her what happened because he thinks he caused it. You’re not helping matters.”
“But what if it was his fault? What if he had said something before it happened?”
The kitchen was silent once Mr. Lupin uttered these words, an eerie, dangerous silence.
“Tom!” Mrs. Lupin snapped. “Listen to yourself! Accusing your son of your other son’s death? Don’t you understand that Remus was scared? He was afraid to say something! He didn’t know Blake was going to die because of it.”
Remus couldn’t listen anymore; he slammed the bathroom door shut and locked it.
“Brilliant,” Mr. Lupin said, loud enough for Remus to hear from inside the bathroom. “He was listening.”
Remus stood at the sink, looking at his reflection in the medicine cabinet mirror. His face seemed to be drawn into a permanent frightened look, and he wasn’t even aware of it. His eyes were wide, with a haunted look lurking behind them. His face was ghostly pale, as if he was the cadaver and not his brother. He opened the cabinet and shuffled through the various items before coming upon the rubber icepack. He looked at it, knowing that he needed to put ice in it, but he didn’t want to go downstairs and risk another dispute with his father. So he went for the next best thing “ filling it up with ice cold water.
Coming out of the bathroom, pressing the pack on the back of his head, he found himself face to face with his mother. He didn’t want to talk to her; he didn’t want to talk to anybody. It was still early in the day and even though he had taken a decent nap, he just wanted to sleep again. Inside his dreams was the only place he was allowed to escape the horrors of reality. But his mother looked insistent on talking to him, so he walked dejectedly to his room.
“What?” he said tiredly as took a seat at his desk.
“Remus, I don’t want you blaming yourself for this,” his mother said, getting straight to the point. “There was nothing you could have done.”
Remus restrained himself from rolling his eyes. Did she not hear him earlier? Did she not hear him shouting that it was his fault?
“If I said something then nothing would have happened,” he mumbled.
“You were scared,” his mother protested.
“No, I was stupid. I didn’t say anything because I couldn’t prove who did it.”
“Remus, who did it?”
“It sounds so stupid… this kid, Larry Wilkins. I don’t even know if he’s a kid anymore though; what kind of kid can kill someone like that?”
“What do you mean?”
“You didn’t see Blake’s body; you didn’t see me after I was attacked! No kid could’ve done something like that, only a monster could. And I know it was him, he was the last person with me before I was attacked.”
“Maybe that was just a coincidence.”
“It wasn’t a coincidence. This kid found out I’m a werewolf; he was hounding me with all these kinds of questions about it. He was asking if I was afraid I’d ever kill myself, or hurt myself really badly when I’m a werewolf and asking how if I was afraid I’d ever kill Blake. He was coming out with the questions so fast, I just answered them.”
“It wasn’t just curiosity, maybe?”
“I thought it was, but then it all started happening… This kid… I remember what he told me before I blacked out; he told me he was my worst nightmare. It sounds dumb, but it’s true.”
His mother was silent, mulling over what her son was telling her. It sounded crazy, especially to her. She never fully understood what went on in Remus’s mind and this just added to her confusion. The way he was saying this made it believable, and all the more terrifying. How could a student at his school attack him and then kill someone else? It just wasn’t normal, even by Wizarding standards. This kid had said he was Remus’s worst nightmare. Was there any creature in their world that could make someone’s worst nightmare come true? If so… why did this creature pick Remus?
“I thought I was just being paranoid,” Remus muttered.
“You’re not paranoid,” Mrs. Lupin said in her most comforting voice. “Just please, don’t blame yourself. You couldn’t have done anything… you didn’t know this was going to happen. You couldn’t have saved him, no matter how much you wanted to.”
“But I could’ve tried…”
All the while, Mr. Lupin was standing outside the bedroom door, listening carefully to his wife and son. It was the easier way out of this, to blame his son for Blake’s death. It would help ease the pain a little. At least that was what he thought at first, but then to have Remus mad at him, that only increased it. Mr. Lupin knew he could have tried harder to find out who Remus’s attacker was. He could have pressed Remus harder to come out with it, but not pressing hard enough to anger him. Blake knew all along whom it was… that was why he was gone. He just hoped that Remus knew, despite whatever he thought, that his mother had come through to him. That it wasn’t his fault.