The envy was the worst, by far. Because I could have lived with it, could have survived. But I had to increase my sufferings. I had to do the stupid thing, the Ginny thing. I had to tempt myself, and increase the envy.
Increase the pain. How the hell would I do that, you may ask. How the hell do you increase your sufferings when you’re already dying inside of pain every time you look at the happy couple that’s meant to have you and not her? How the hell?
Well it was quite simple, really. I kissed Harry. And I could feel him kissing me back. It was the most beautiful moment of my life. But it ended far too soon; predictably enough, he broke away almost immediately. And he did so, swiftly looked me in the eyes deeply. Deeper than anyone else ever had. He was searching for something, and after a few seconds, he did not find it.
It took me less than a second to realize my mistake. I wasn’t forgiving Hermione for stabbing me in the back… but what was I doing at this very second? The same thing.
I could see it in his beautiful, emerald green eyes. They were indescribable, but I always tried anyway; breathtakingly beautiful, but that didn’t even scratch the surface. They were more stunning than jewels of the most royal type. They were amazing.
I could see everything I didn’t want to in those eyes. I don’t love you. He had told me this once before, when I admitted my love to him in 6th year, trying to break Hermione and Harry before they actually happened. So I told Harry I love him, and Ron told Hermione he loves her.
That time, Harry told me he didn’t love me. He loved someone else.
I knew it was Hermione. Without any words, I knew it was Hermione.
There we go again. My envy was amazing. I was so envious of her, being the girl wanted by Harry Potter. Why did she get that? Why didn’t I?
So I saw him. I kissed him, and he pulled away. And once again, heart was broken when he told me he didn’t love me and it was a mistake. I watched him; I watched the guy I love, the only guy I’ll ever love, walk away, out of my life.
And right back into Hermione’s. If only I had not kissed him, I wouldn’t have known; I wouldn’t have bonded my soul with his in a special way that did not break and would not. If only I had not done that… but I did, and I tempted myself even further, into something I could never have, but craved for anyway.
Once again, there was my envy. I had gone through greed, gone through hate… and now I settled for envy. And I knew the envy would never die down. It would always be here with me, till the day I die.
That’s my greed. That’s my hate. And worst of all, that’s my envy.
As unsettled as ever, forever.
Hope ya’ll liked that. Bloody envy is one of the worst ever. pilogue coming soon, and kudos to Meg for the betaing
xo anniePADFOOT