Idiot Ron Starts A War by POTCgirl1337
Chapter Notes: I really enjoyed writting this chapter, and I really hope that you enjoy reading it too! I realize that it took quite a while to get up, that's because I had a lot of things going on at one time, and there never was a good time to sit down and write. For that, I am extremly, deeply sorry.
"Stupid Boy Who Lived! I'll show him, no one makes fun of me like that!" Stomping off into the snow-covered distance, Ron Weasley continued to mumble rude comments about Harry Potter. "He should be renamed as, um, Bloody Potter! No, that sounds too much like a drink. Hmm… oh well, the name isn't important anyways!"
He sat down groggily on a large rock and rubbed at his eyes. "That snowball really stung! I'm bored, what's there to do in the snow? Uh… what was it that Harry told me to do?" he asked himself. "Oh yeah, make snowmen! Yeah, I'll do that!"
All of a sudden, he became extremely defensive and his eyes darted suspiciously around the grounds as she shouted, at the top of his lungs, "NOT THAT I TAKE ORDERS FROM HARRY POTTER!"
"Yeah, yeah, of course you don't." a voice to his left boomed. Seriously freaked out, Ron whirled around looking for the source of the deep voice, but to his dismay, he saw no one.
"There's nothing wrong with taking a suggestion!" responded a much lighter voice.
"Stop scaring me!" a frustrated and frightened Ron yelled. "Where are you people?"
"Well," the deeper voice said, "I'm right here!"
Whoever and wherever the voices were, they were talking right into his left ear. Ron cranked his neck around, screamed and jumped back in fright, thus falling over. On his left shoulder was a miniature Ron, but this Ron had flames erupting from his fingers, feet and ears. Instead of hair, he had flames bursting from the top of his head, and when he talked, steam poured from his mouth. Resting in his hand was a half-empty bottle of Firewhisky.
"And I'm over here!" the kind-sounding voice whispered. Startled once again by a sound so close to his ear, Ron flopped like a grindylow out of water and looked over his right shoulder. What he saw was a right sight nicer looking than what he’d seen on his left side. Perched like a faithful bird, the second miniature Ron was dressed in all white, a small golden ring encircling the top part of his head. On his back was a pair of golden wings, tucked gracefully between his shoulder blades. The red hair beneath his halo was flowing gently in a non-existent wind.
"Wh-what are you things? Miniature mes come to take over my gorgeous and masculine shoulders?"
"Yeah, what'd you expect; we're here to have a party?!" Flaming Ron managed between gulps of his whisky as he began to pull and tug at the shoulder on which he resided.
"Well, you can't have my shoulders!" He began to swat at the mini-Rons, hoping they would go away, but his hand just sliced right through them. "If you take them away, what will I use to impress the beautiful Hermione Granger?" Ron let out a deep sigh. "Hermione: The swan amongst my geese, the dove amongst my pigeons, the diamond amongst my rocks, the--"
"All right, all right!" Flaming Ron interrupted. "We get it, just stop with the gushy mushy stuff, okay? It's making me sick!" He doubled over and began to retch, though nothing came out of his mouth except some smoke.
"No," his right shoulder said, sighing with passion, "Please go on! It's so very sweet. By the way, we were never here to steal your shoulders, Mister Grumpy Ron over there was just pulling your chain."
Slightly relieved, Ron asked, "Then why are you here?"
"I told you, to steal your shoulders! Gosh, how thick do you get? Or is your memory just that poor?"
"What he means," Angel Ron explained, "is that we are here to give you guidance. Let me explain. When a person is torn between two ideas, we appear! Normally, the person has to be somewhat insane to see miniature selves on their shoulders, but hey, that's their problem. Actually, we're not really even here, just in your imagination."
"I don't get it."
Flaming Ron rolled his eyes and smacked his palm against his forehead, "What's not to get? We're your imagination, working with you through your problems using our views!"
"Oh!" Ron realized. "Why didn't you just say so? You don't have to make it so complicated, Little White Me!"
"Right," Little White Ron said. "Next time I'll break it down so even you can comprehend what I'm saying."
"Huh?"
"I give up, there's just no point. Any word with more than two syllables just slips rights though your ears."
"What's he talking about?" Ron whispered to his left-shoulder buddy.
"Just ignore him," he whispered back. Raising his voice, he shouted over to his good twin, "Hey! Isn't it supposed to be my job to pull the insults? You aren't going bad on us now, are you?"
"Not a chance! I'm simply stating the obvious," Angel Ron defended.
"Big words scare me," Ron said plainly.
"Can we please get down to business? We have a serious matter to discuss, and--" Whitey was cut short by Red Ron.
"To make snowmen or not to make snowmen, that is the question!"
"Do you know the answer, Ron?" Halo-boy asked.
"Erm.." Ron contemplated, "42?"
Fire Ron's head spontaneously combusted into a huge fireball. "NO, YOU HALF-WIT! THE ANSWER IS NOT 42! AND, HALO MAN, IF HE KNEW THE ANSWER, WE WOULDN'T BE HERE! Must I do all the thinking around here? You guys make that tree seem like a genius!” He pointed gruffly to a tree not far off.
The tree crossed its branches indignantly. “I resent that!” it protested.
"Moving on," White Ron started, "Ron, there is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting a small suggestion from a friend”"
"He's not my friend anymore!"
“--even if he is no longer your friend. If you want to make the snowmen, you should! Neglecting your heart’s desire will only lead to anger, which leads to hate, which leads to suffering."
"But, come on! The guy is your enemy now! You hate him, and using his order will only show that you're weak. We need to use his idea against him somehow--"
"But anger is the path to the dark side-"
"--which is exactly where you want to be! Having fun, not being stalked by a floating golden hoop!"
"How many times do I have to tell you, it's a halo! Not a floating golden hoop!"
"How about we let Ron decide which way to go?"
"Oui, c'est une bonne idée!" Good Ron said with a terrible French accent.
"Oh Roooon! I bet Hermione likes guys that have a darker side to them." Dark Ron said with a not-so concealed wink. Whitey just glared.
"That's it. I choose Fire Me's side. Plus, your words are too hard to understand." It seemed Ron had made up his mind, following the dark side. As soon as he finished the sentence, the angelic Ron promptly disappeared, and the demonic Ron let out a deep sigh.
"Right, now that that idiot is off our backs”your’s literally-- let's get to that revenge! Here's my plan: we make some snowmen, but we make them look really evil. Yeah! We'll dress some of them up as Lord Voldy, and maybe Snape! Then Harry will see them and scream like a little girl for all his classmates to hear! MUAHAHAHAHAH!"
"YEAH!" Ron punched the air and jumped up, only to land on his rear end. "Ouch," he said, rubbing his backside.
"Get UP!" Fire Ron yelled, "and GET TO WORK!"
"Yes sir, boss!" Ron jumped into a salute and stood there until--
"GO!"
Ron stumbled off a little ways, and following his 'master’s' orders, began to pack snow together, forming large, tight balls. He worked hard and diligently, and after about half an hour, he had roughly a dozen murderous looking snowmen. He looked them over with a thin smile, and, after adding a few finishing touches like Death Eater masks, or larger-than-normal noses, his masterpiece was complete.
Evil Ron paced back and forth from shoulder to shoulder, pondering something that Ron couldn't figure out.
"What's wrong fire-me?" he asked. "I did what you wanted. The snowmen are built! Now they just need to go scare Harry. Wait, how do we do that part again?" Ron pulled a face of confusion, staring at his partner-in-crime.
"Magic!" the little one shouted, "We need magic! Now Ron, give me your wand." Still unsure of what was going on, Ron handed over his wand and watched as the other Ron whipped it around and did a bit of Hocus-Pocus.
In a matter of seconds, the snowmen he had made were rising from their lifeless slumber, and slid over toward their two masters.
Without speaking in actual words, they managed a rough form of communication with the two Rons, mostly just by making violent slushy noises. Somehow, they were understood, and Ron and his miniature he-devil were able to communicate back. Their message was quickly conveyed: scare Harry.
*****Back to Harry and the gang*****
"Come on, you guys! FASTER!" Dean looked back while yelling, and saw that Seamus was still standing there, dumbstruck. "Seamus! What the bloody hell are you doing? They're going to catch you!" Still unresponsive, Seamus didn't appear to be aware that everyone else had run for his or her lives. Dean was about to run back for him, but Lavender grabbed his hand and pulled him forward.
"Dean, come on!" she said, throwing all of her strength into dragging him away.
"But what about Seamus? He's still back there!" Dean looked scared for his best friend’s life.
"If he wants to be stupid and stay, there's no need for you to risk your life, too! Now come on!" With one final last tug, she managed to weaken him.
"I swear, if ONE THING happens to him, it will be on your head!" Dean shouted to Lavender.
"Yeah, whatever, just keep running!"
After a couple of minutes running, the Gryffindors reached Hagrid’s hut, but as they pounded on the door, they realized that Hagrid wasn't home. They had no safe place to go, and the best they could do was hide behind it.
Five minutes later, Seamus still had not shown up. It seemed that their run from the snowmen had turned into a war, which had already claimed its first victim.
A/N
Ohhh! What will happen to Seamus... and what's up with Ron? Hehehe, I'll reveil that in the near future! Anyways, I owe some credit to HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy for using their number 42, and to Star Wars for a couple famous lines. Also, this would never have worked out if it wern't for my wonderful two betas: whomovedmyquil and Schmerg_The_Impaler! (Both of whome are extremly talented writers)! So go check out their work!