DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the following characters and settings. JKR does.
"Moony, can we talk?" asked Sirius suddenly. He and Remus were the only two occupants of the Gryffindor Common Room that morning, as most of its usual inhabitants had gone home for Christmas.
Remus looked up from his Potions essay to gaze at his friend sceptically. "Of course. I'm almost done with this, you can copy it as soon as I finish."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Why do you always think that if I want to talk to you it's because I need your homework?"
"Because that's what you usually want."
Sirius shook his head. "You have such little faith in me, my friend. Anyway, I'm actually already done with potions."
Remus grinned. "That's great! Can I take a look at yours, then?" He blushed embarrassedly. "I mean, you know I'm not exactly fond of copying, but what with the full moon last week and prefect duties, I'm a little behind."
"Anything if you'll just listen to me..." He paused, standing up, and starting to walk around the room. "It's kind of important."
Remus snapped to attention at once. "Okay. Sit down, then."
Sirius did. "Look, Moony, it's about a girl--"
"A girl?" repeated Remus, mildly surprised. "You've come to me for advice with a girl?"
"Apparently," answered Sirius dryly.
"Well, why?" asked Remus, more and more bewildered.
"What do you mean, 'why?'? We're friends, aren't we? Isn't this what friends talk about?"
"Yeah, sure," said Remus, nodding. "That's what normal friends do, sure. But not when we're talking about you... I mean, what could Sirius Black, God of Sex, possibly want from shy little Remus Lupin, who's had two girlfriends in six years?"
"Well, I know I--" He stopped abruptly. "Two? Who's the second one? I mean, I know of Lexy York last month, and I know you were flirting with Myrina Jarvis last year, but I wouldn't call that 'girlfriend'... who's the other one?"
Remus blushed. "Forget it, Padfoot. I thought we were here to talk about you?"
"We are," answered Sirius, smiling cheekily, "but, you know, we always talk about me, don't we? Why, if I didn't even know one of your women, you sly dog, then it means we really should talk about you more often... What's her name?"
"Nuh-uh, I'm not telling you," said Remus, shaking his head.
Sirius looked outraged. "And why not?"
"Because if I told you, then in less than four seconds the whole school would know, and in less than three minutes and 43 seconds, even Hogsmeade would know, and before I know it, Dumbledore would be congratulating me on my engagement, and McGonagall would give me one of her This-is-your-final-year-and-it-is-utterly-important-for-you-to-concentrate-on-studying-because-your-whole-future-will-depend-on-how-you-do-this-year-so-I-would-strongly-advise-you-not-to-get-any-distractions lectures."
Sirius's mouth dropped open, as he uselessly searched for something to say. "O-kay. Right." He paused. "What if I made the Marauder's Promise that I won't tell anyone? Huh?"
"Padfoot, the last time I agreed to that, it only took you ten more seconds to spread the word."
"If you're talking about that time with Frank, it was just one time!"
"Actually," said Remus thoughtfully, "I was referring to that time with Malfoy, but now that I think about it, even that time with Frank--"
"Okay, so it was two times!"
Remus stared. "And what about last year, with Plummet?"
"Fine, three times!"
"Fourth year with Baxter? Even McGonagall found out about it..."
"Okay, four times! Are you going to hold four little times when I accidentally let something slip against me?"
Remus rolled his eyes. "Padfoot, I could number you as many as you want. Don't you think we're seeing a pattern here?"
Sirius glared at him. "Fine, loverboy, don't tell Brother Padfoot... But, just so you know, be prepared, 'cause I won't rest till I know who this madwoman is."
"Listen, can we go back to your problem?" asked Remus impatiently.
"Yes," answered Sirius with the same tone.
"Ha!" laughed Remus. "I knew you were powerless not to talk about yourself!"
"Actually," said Sirius haughtily, "I'm only doing this because I know I won't be getting anything more out of you... for now. But don't you worry. I will find out who this mystery girl is if it's the last thing I do!" he finished dramatically.
"Riiight," answered Remus. "You know, you're starting to scare me."
Sirius grinned mischievously. "Good."
"Right," repeated the werewolf. "So, what's with this girl that you need advice? And, moreover, why my advice? You always said that when it comes to girls I'd do better to meet them with the full moon, because I'd probably have more success with them..."
"I did?" laughed Sirius.
"Only yesterday, for instance. So, why? Why my advice and not Prongs's?"
Sirius coughed. "I couldn't tell Prongs! He'd kill me if he found out! And I'm not talking killing as in throttling me in my sleep, but killing as in tying me to a tree and burning me alive, while simultaneously ripping me limb from limb and making me watch as he transfigured my hair to look like Snape's for the rest of eternity!"
Remus stared as Sirius paused to draw breath. "Wow."
"I know. It's that bad."
"Well..." Remus nodded as realisation dawned upon him. "You couldn’t really expect him to take this well, could you?"
"I would have hoped! I mean, okay, he loves her... big deal! So do I!" muttered Sirius.
Remus's jaw dropped. "You love her? Are you sure?"
"Of course I am. I mean, she's so gorgeous, she's funny, she's nice, and she doesn't worship the ground we walk on... what guy wouldn't love her?" asked Sirius.
"Look, I think Lily is really amazing, too, but maybe you're a bit exaggerating when you say--"
"Lily?" interrupted Sirius. "As in Evans?"
"Yes," answered Remus.
"Why are you talking about Evans? Is she your mystery girlfriend? Ooooh..." he said, grimacing, "Prongs'll have a fit if he finds out."
"Wait a second... You weren't talking about Evans?" asked Remus, confused.
"What? No way!" replied Sirius, disgruntled. "I said she was gorgeous, didn't I?" He laughed. "Evans... where do you get some ideas... honestly!"
"Right," said Remus. "So I got it all wrong... but then.. Who are you talking about that Prongs would kill you if he found out you like her if it's not Evans?"
"The only other girl Prongs wouldn't want to see with anyone... especially anyone like me."
Remus paused a moment. "Please tell me you're not in love with his mother."
"Ew, Moony! You're the one who's scaring me now!" replied Sirius, shivering. "What kind of perverted--"
"Never mind, I just had to make sure," said Remus apologetically.
"Right." Sirius stopped for a moment. "Once this conversation is over, can we pretend it never happened?"
"Yes, please," answered the werewolf. "Why don't you just tell me who this girl is, because we've already acknowledged we're not getting very far with guesses?"
"Yeah..." Sirius gulped. "It's... oh, c'mon, isn't it obvious? Helen! Who else? She's so wonderful, so great, so perfect!"
Remus sighed. "Oh thank God."
"Why? Who were you thinking this time?"
"Trust me," replied Remus, "You don't want to know."
"Well," said Sirius, "this is awkward. This is by far the creepiest conversation I've ever had. And, you know, knowing me, that's saying something."
"Tell me about it," answered Remus.
"And to think people say I'm the perverted mind of the group... and that you're innocent little Remus..."
"It's exactly because you're the perverted mind that I was trying not to exclude any possibility..."
"Yes, and in doing so, you have proved yourself to be far more perverted than people gave you credit for. As a matter of fact, you're far more perverted than me."
"Don't say that," pleaded Remus.
"Motion for a change of subject?"
"I second!" yelled Remus enthusiastically. "So... why on earth would you think that Prongs would rituistically torture you because you like Helen? I mean, okay, so they're cousins... You don't seem very pissed off that your cousin's dating Lucius Malfoy."
"Ah, Moony, it's so easy to see that you know nothing about cousins... and nothing about Prongs." Sirius paused dramatically. "I'm happy if Narcissa screws Malfoy, because, honestly, they're both so evil, they're bound to cancel each other out."
Remus frowned upon Sirius's choice of words, but decided not to say anything about it.
"Now Prongs and Helen," continued the handsome wizard unperturbed, "that's a totally different story. Prongs utterly adores her, okay? He's more protective of her than he is of Lily!"
"Okay, I know that far. But you're his best friend! What's better than seeing you almost-sister dating your best friend?"
"Anything if I'm the best friend... I mean, I'm not exactly famous for my gentlemanly ways with the ladies, am I?" asked Sirius.
"Oh... I get it now."
"Finally! We've been at this for more than two hours!" said Sirius. "So... what do you suggest?"
"Well..." Truth was, Remus didn't really know what to say. He had to give it to Sirius, James would probably be very mad if he found out Sirius had found a new prey in Helen. "You really like her, don't you?"
"I came to you for advice, didn't I? Doesn't that sound desperate to you?" asked the handsome wizard.
"Yes, it does." Yet Sirius seemed so, well, serious about this thing... hardly sounded like himself at all. And he had admitted somewhere along that disturbing conversation that he loved her. "I'd tell you to go for it, Padfoot."
"Really?" asked Sirius, surprised. "But Prongs--"
"Prongs will have to understand that you really like her, Padfoot, and that you'll take good care of her. You even said you love her, didn't you?" asked Remus.
Sirius blushed (something quite uncommon for him). "I thought we'd sworn not to mention that conversation ever again?!"
"We have," replied Remus hastily.
"Good."
Remus grinned. "So, you loooove Helen!"
"Shht!" muttered Sirius. "The other reason I came to you despite your lack of personal experience was because I knew I could count on your silence!"
"You mean you won't tell her?"
"Yes, I will... Only not just yet," said Sirius. "Need to prepare Prongs first."
"Ah... I see. Well, now, let's see how fast I can spread this? Maybe I can beat my current record of three minutes? How much time's already passed since you told me, Padfoot? I think I'll have to find Sue if I want to make it quick, she's the fastest gossiper I've ever met... apart from you, of course," said Remus, smiling mischievously at his friend. "But this is a piece of news you're not going to spread, are you?"
"You wouldn't."
"Want to try me, Padfoot?"
"Okay... what do you want from me to buy your silence?" asked Sirius desperately.
"Never mention that other girl I talked about ever again."
Dang! thought Sirius. The guy's smarter than I thought. "You are one sadistic man, Moony."
"Yes, I am. Do we have a deal?" he asked, smiling, as he held out his hand.
"Yeah," muttered Sirius quietly.
"Marauder's Promise?"
"Obviously."
Remus smiled as he shook his hand. "Great! I'm going down to breakfast. Are you coming?"
"Yeah," said Sirius still rather dejectedly. "You know you're really really mean, Moony?"
"Yes, Padfoot."
"I don't like that."
Remus grinned. "I do."
FIN
A/N : Hope you liked it! Anyone up for a review now????
Thanks,
Hallie
Disturbing Conversations by Hallie Black
Chapter Notes: A/N: Originally, this was supposed to be a chapter of a longer fic, but I now cannot seem to fit in any story I'm working on, since Sirius is already dating in every one of them. At any rate, I really hope you'll enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it!
- Hallie