“What’s next, Harry? A dash of armadillo bile?”
“No, no. That should be after we stir it counterclockwise four times.”
“Oops.”
Harry’s head shot up in alarm as the BANG! echoed throughout the dungeons. He set down the textbook he had in his hands as he groaned, “Ron.”
Ron shrugged sheepishly in Harry’s direction as he stared at the bubbling green goo now leaking out of the large hole blasted through his second-hand cauldron.
“What is going on here?” Ron froze when he heard that voice. He winced before tilting his head up to look at the towering figure above him. Professor Severus Snape seethed at the two Gryffindors, his shoulders locked and his face the expression of utter wrath.
“And how, Mr. Weasley and Mr…Potter, do you expect to pass the O.W.L. next year for Potions if you can’t even make a simple Wit-Sharpening Potion,” he eyed both boys with distain, “when you yourselves would need it to even pass this class.”
He pointed to Ron and Harry then turned to the class. “And here are the prime examples of what makes a Gryffindor: idiocy and arrogance.” He turned back to Ron and Harry sharply. “Ten points each for Mr. Weasley and Mr. Potter’s failure to pay attention in class. And…” Professor Snape smirked as he thought up a unique punishment. “An essay about what makes a Gryffindor due in my hands by the stroke of midnight on Friday. Class dismissed.”
As Harry, Hermione, and Ron walked out of the dungeons, Ron groaned loudly. “What makes a Gryffindor? Is he joking? I don’t have time to waste on that load of ““ Ron threw his hands in the air in frustration. “I mean, I have that on top of the Divination essay, the Transfiguration reading, and the Charms practice!”
Hermione eyed Ron coldly, “Well it was your fault to begin with. If it weren’t for your impatience and thickheadedness, you wouldn’t have been assigned that essay to begin with. And on top of that, you both lost twenty points for Gryffindor!”
Harry smiled nervously at Hermione. “Well “ er. With your ingenuity, I’m sure you would earn back those House points in no time.”
“Plus,” Ron added casually, “with your help we’d be done with the essay in no time too!”
Hermione glared at the two boys. “If you even think I’d help you with those essays, you’re really more foolish than I had thought. It’s your essay that you need to do “ by yourself. Now, I’m going to be late to Ancient Runes. I’ll see the two of you later after dinner,” she muttered as she stalked away from her friends.
“Oye, Harry, what’d I say this time?”
“Harry, what do you have so far?” Ron stifled a yawn.
Harry stopped writing and placed his quill down as he frowned at his piece of parchment. “’A Gryffindor is.’” He looked up at Ron. “You?”
Ron picked up a blank piece of parchment and waved it in the air. He sat back in his armchair, one leg up on the arm of the chair, as he stared into the flames of the fire. “What is a Gryffindor?” He cocked his head to one side. “You know, Harry, I didn’t expect this essay to be so hard, considering we’re Gryffindors.”
“Right,” Harry mumbled. “Well, let’s think about this for a minute. What makes us…us?”
“Well, we’re…smart.”
“Hmm,” Harry shook his head. “That’s more of a Ravenclaw quality than a Gryffindor quality. Besides, remember we’re writing this for Snape because we were stupid.”
“Oh right.” Ron tilted his head to one side. “Harry, why did we wait until Thursday night to write this?” As Harry shrugged, Ron narrowed his eyes as he watched the fire dance. “What about…courage? We’re courageous, aren’t we? After all, we stopped Professor Quirrell first year!”
“Oh, that’s a good start, Ron.” Harry jotted down ‘courageous’ on his scratch sheet of parchment. “I would also say we were…”
“Well, we’re heroes too! We saved everyone from the basilisk second year!”
Harry added ‘heroic’ on the list.
Ron began to raise his voice in his excitement. The exhilaration of finding these attributes he’d never realized he’d had until now ran through his veins “ nothing could stop him now. “We’re also caring! We risked our lives to save Sirius Black, Harry!”
“What’s all this noise about?”
“Oye, Ron, what about Sirius Black?”
Fred and George sauntered into the common room just as the portrait behind them swung shut.
“Ow! Wotcher, Harry!”
Harry had swiftly gave Ron a kick in the shins under the table.
“Hey, Fred, George.” Harry, eager to divert the twins from the subject of Sirius Black, nodded toward the items the twins were carrying. “Paid a visit to Hogsmeade after hours?” Fred’s arms were loaded with packages while George held three tankards of drinks in each hand.
“You bet, Harry,” Fred winked at him as he set down the parcels. “These here are new supplies Zonko’s just stocked up on.”
“Let’s just say, if you see a puddle in the middle of the hallway, turn around and go the other direction,” George laughed as he set down the drinks before giving Fred a high-five. “Butterbeer?”
As Ron and Harry reached for a butterbeer, Ron paused in awe. “Whoa! Are those…firewhiskys?”
As Ron’s hand passed the butterbeer for the darker red drink, Fred’s hand shot out to grab Ron’s wrist. “Ah, Ron. Don’t think we’re so irresponsible as to allow our little brother to drink firewhisky. What would Mother think of us?”
Ron glared as Fred and George picked up a tankard of firewhisky each. “But you still have one firewhisky left,” he complained.
“Alas, this last one’s for Lee. We promised to get him one if he did our Transfiguration homework for us.” As George went off to deliver the last firewhisky, and as Ron watched the tankard move off gloomily, Fred plopped down between Ron and Harry.
“What are you working on, young fourth years? And where’s your friend?” Fred sat up and looked around the empty common room. “George and I had bets on how long she’d yell at us for sneaking out.”
“Snape gave Ron and I essays to write for our…incompetence in Potions on Tuesday. And Hermione has refused to offer her services of help,” Harry explained.
“She’s probably working on those spew things,” Ron spat in disgust. He grabbed a butterbeer and sipped it, wondering if there was a spell to change butterbeer to firewhisky.
“What’s your essay on?” Fred read the list Harry had written with interest. “’What Makes a Gryffindor.’ Interesting.” As he read on, Fred wrinkled his nose in disgust. “What sort of Gryffindor are you trying to make, another Hermione?”
Harry leaned forward toward Fred. “What do you suggest then?”
Fred, and later, George, continued into the night, explaining the essentials to making a Gryffindor to Harry, Ron had his head down on the table as he dreamed of the burning sensation of firewhisky.
After Harry finished writing his essay, he shook Ron awake.
“No more, Madame Rosmerta. No more,” Ron moaned sleepily, eyes still shut.
Harry gave Ron a quick kick in the shins again. “Ow! Harry, I’ve already got a bruise there!”
“Sorry, Ron,” Harry apologized quickly. “Have you finished your essay?”
“Essay?” Ron groaned as he pushed himself off the table to look at his essay and found himself staring at the blob of saliva in the middle of a blank piece of parchment. “Merlin! I haven’t gotten anything yet, Harry!”
Ron looked up in horror as Harry stood up to collect his materials. “Harry! Harry! You’ve already done yours?”
Harry shrugged. “Fred and George gave me a few pointers and helped me write the essay.”
“Fred and George?” Ron looked around frantically. “Where are they now? Could they help me on mine?”
Harry lifted his shoulders again before picking up his extra quills. “They’ve gone to bed now. If you’re willing to go up there and wake them up, I’m sure all they’d do is hex you.”
“Oh mate, you wouldn’t mind leaving your essay with me, would you? I’ll just use the same ideas. I won’t copy it!”
Harry sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Fine, Ron. Just write yours and give my essay back in the morning.” Harry handed Ron a long roll of parchment.
“You’re a real pal, Harry!” Ron called to the retreating and hunched figure before turning to Harry’s essay eagerly. He felt his grin slide off his face as he stared at the lengthy roll of neat writing. “Merlin, he’s becoming another Hermione,” Ron muttered to himself. As he rubbed his face, his eyes spotted a small piece of parchment on the carpet.
“’What Makes a Gryffindor.’” Ron read down the list and smiled again. “Now, Harry, this is more of an essay.” As he read on, Ron frowned, puzzled. “A recipe?” He looked back at Harry’s lengthy writing and squinted. Indeed, Ron matched a few words from the essay to those on the scratch parchment. Ron shrugged, placed Harry’s essay behind him, and began writing.
“Professor Snape!”
“Sir!”
Severus Snape groaned silently as he heard footsteps thunder toward him from behind. He forced himself to turn around, but try as he might, he could not hide his expression of disdain. “What do you want, Weasley and Potter?”
“Here are our essays, sir!” The boys thrust out their parchment as they tried to catch their breath.
“Hmm. Lovely,” Severus delicately plucked their essays from their sweaty hands. “I shall read them later. Now get out of my sight.” As he watched Ron and Harry run to their next class, Severus glanced at the parchments in his hand.
What Makes a Gryffindor Unique
By Harry James Potter
Severus rolled his eyes at the length of the essay. Only Potter could ramble about how glorious Gryffindors could be. As he looked at Ron’s piece of parchment, his eyebrows snapped together. And only a Weasley can be dim enough to have nothing to say on Gryffindors.
How to Make a Gryffindor
By Ronald Weasley
Mix a dash of heroics,
Two large helpings of courage,
A smidging of loyalty,
A good portion of chivalry,
A little arrogance and pride for good measure,
A drop of compassion,
And a smattering of firewhisky.
Shake, don’t stir.
Don’t forget the toast!
Severus smiled with glee. Oh another detention wracked up by the great Ronald Weasley.
End notes: This story follows as closely to canon as my knowledge of the Harry Potter universe as of July 17, 2006 allows. Any information revealed to be false by Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will not be changed.
Reviews are graciously accepted and appreciated.