It was a beautiful summer morning,
Too cliché…
It was a stormy night,
Oh, God… no
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away,
What is wrong with you?
One morning, Harry, Hermione and Ron were having breakfast in the Great Hall,
Ugh, fine, Hell will freeze before you write a decent sentence so let’s continue…
Hermione was flipping through the pages of The Daily Prophet, as she did every morning, when she saw something truly upsetting. Right next to an article about redheaded twins that were found dead in their joke shop, was a picture of Viktor Krum cuddling with a beautiful American girl.
“That bastard!” she exclaimed, with widened eyes.
“What happened, Mione?” asked Ron, with his mouth full. Because in canon the only single time that Ron said ‘Mione’ was when he had his mouth full and this author wrote everything according to canon.
“Viktor is dating another girl!” half-screamed Hermione, throwing the newspaper at the table.
“I thought you two were long over?” Harry questioned disinterestedly.
“That’s far beside the point!” grunted Hermione. “She’s American!”
Harry and Neville (who suddenly popped in because the author was getting tired of only writing about the trio) looked at Hermione with puzzled looks. Ron was also going to look at Hermione with a puzzled look, but the author realized that he should have a frown instead, because everyone knows that Ron is in love with Hermione and he would be angry that she would be jealous of Viktor’s new girlfriend. Otherwise it would be just plain bad characterization.
“He cannot date an American, it’s not canon!” Hermione snapped.
Now, not only Neville and Harry were looking at Hermione as though she was crazy, the whole Gryffindor table had joined them.
You must be wondering how Hermione knew what was canon and what was not? It’s very simple. The author once read that JK sometimes speaks through Hermione, so because he’s just too lazy to look for his own writing style, he decided to do the same. He figured that if it worked for her, then it would work for him too. In theory it all sounds wonderful, but there was a flaw in his master plan; the author was talent-less.
Hermione decided to change the subject, because she wasn’t ready to reveal her superiority over the rest of the characters.
“Does someone else have any news?” she wondered out loud, going back to her breakfast.
“I do,” admitted Neville, raising his hand like he was in class. “I heard there is a new student.”
Oh dear lord…
Hermione slapped her hand against her forehead in desperation.
“Let me guess,” said Hermione, breathing deeply. “She’s beautiful and very nice.”
“Well, yes!” admitted Neville. “Wow, Hermione you’re so smart.”
Suddenly, Harry felt someone tapping his shoulder. He turned around and saw a very beautiful and, well, you can imagine the rest of the description, girl.
“Everywhere else is full,” she said. “Can I sit next to you?”
Ron was no longer upset with Hermione; he was admiring the beauty of we-don’t-know-her-name-yet.
Harry nodded nervously and moved aside, leaving space for the new girl.
“I’m Harry,” he managed to say.
The other two boys quickly jumped to introduce themselves to the gorgeous (because the author already said beautiful) girl.
“I’m Neville.”
“I’m Ron.”
“Oh my, my,” exclaimed the girl, in horrible characterization. “I’m Destiny, or China, or Fantasy. The author hasn’t decided yet which name is best suited for my personality.”
Suddenly, Hermione was irrationally angry. Not only had she found out that she wasn’t the only one with the powers to know everything, she had also realized that Destiny, or China, or Fantasy was the girl in the picture with Viktor Krum.
“You!” Hermione said, pointing at Destiny, or China, or Fantasy.
“Have we met?” asked Destiny, or China, or Fantasy.
Hermione’s face expression changed drastically. She wasn’t angry anymore, but sad. Incredibly depressed over everything that was going on. She collapsed onto the table and started to cry.
“What’s the matter?” asked Ron.
“This is wrong, this is all wrong!” Hermione cried. “Those aren’t even Mary-Sue names!”
Suddenly everything started shaking. The people cried in fear and panic and started running like mad all around.
“This is impossible!” said Harry. He was hiding under the table with Neville. “There are no earthquakes in Scotland!”
“Do you think it is You-know-who?” cried Neville, holding on to a leg of the table for his dear life.
“No,” said Hermione, calmly wiping her tears away. “The author is typing harder than usual.”
Oops…
The earthquake quickly stopped and everybody went back to their breakfast. Hermione stood up on the Gryffindor table and with a risen fist she yelled:
“Damn you Purplemage! You’re just an overrated author!”
Suddenly the beautiful morning changed drastically into a thunderstorm and from the sky of the Great Hall a big concert Piano fell on top of Hermione.
“Oh my God, they killed Hermione!” yelled Neville.
“You bastards!” threatened Ginny, whom until now had been silent in a very out of character manner.
“NO!” yelled Ron. “We haven’t even snogged!”
Harry was frozen with his mouth wide open.
“WHY?” Ginny cried.
“That’s what happens to characters that don’t behave,” whispered Destiny, or China, or Fantasy into Harry’s ear in a flirty manner.
“This cannot be happening!” Ginny kept crying.
“I know,” said Harry, who was able to talk again. “We’ll miss her.”
“That’s not it!” snapped Ginny. “Without her we depend on you and Ron to tell the story! This is a disaster!”
Suddenly, the author realized the huge mistake that he had made by killing Hermione. He thought for a few seconds about how he would fix it and then came up with an unoriginal idea. Ginny magically inherited Hermione’s powers of all awareness.
Without warning, all the characters froze, not because they had been hexed, but because the author needed some time to plan the climax of this story.
He didn’t want it to be clichéd, because we all know that clichés are bad and clichés don’t attract readers, and no readers means no reviews, which means that there’ll be no way for the author to feel good about himself later.
Half an hour later the author had still no idea of what to do with this plot. The only conclusion he had reached was that he wasn’t going to use a clichéd cliché and that the word cliché had officially become clichéd.
Suddenly an idea struck his mind.
All the characters started moving again.
Harry was about to hug Ginny and get back together with her because of the tragedy at hand, when he heard some strange sounds that were coming from one of the many broom closets at Hogwarts.
Harry looked at Ginny and she shuddered, because she didn’t know what those sounds were. Harry drew out his wand and started walking carefully towards the closet. His heart started to beat faster and he started to sweat as he walked towards the closet. Ginny and Neville were trailing closely behind him.
With a trembling hand, Harry grabbed hold of the knob of one of the closet doors and opened it.
“Didn’t your father teach you how to knock?” asked Sirius, walking out of the closet shirtless.
“Seriously, Harry!” added Remus, pulling his pants up.
Not THAT kind of climax!
“I was like so not ready to see that,” said Harry, blinking.
“Americanism!” pointed Ginny.
“Isn’t that ironic?” asked Destiny, or China, or Fantasy. “A gay couple shagging in the closet…”
“You can’t be Sirius, Sirius is dead!” said Harry, looking at Sirius.
“I can tell you that I’m seriously Sirius,” said Sirius, while putting his shirt back on.
“Yay! Puns!” celebrated Neville, while clapping his hands like an imbecile. “Do more!”
“You’re not serious, I am,” said Sirius, with a barking laugh.
The school year passed and the author is not going to bother with telling you everything that happened. All you need to know is that Harry, Ron, Neville, Ginny and Destiny, or China, or Fantasy went together on a journey to find the Hocruxes and vanquish Voldemort.
They had finally managed to destroy the final Hocrux and found themselves on the same cemetery where Voldemort had been resurrected three years before. It was a cold somber night and the group couldn’t help but feel hunted.
“I cannot see anything with all this fog,” said Ron.
“It’s not fog,” said Ginny. “The author is smoking.”
“Oh,” said Ron, Neville and Harry in unison.
Destiny, or China, or Fantasy wasn’t surprised, because she was a Mary-Sue and Mary-Sues know everything.
“We should stop,” said Ginny, while stopping.
“Why?” Harry asked. “We have to find Voldemort.”
“We have arrived to that part of the fic that’s near the end and the major twist is about to be revealed,” cleared Ginny.
Neville’s face lit and without warning his poor friends that were watching, he started dancing the twist.
“Not that kind of twist!” yelled Ginny.
Neville was puzzled, but his face lit again after a few seconds and started looking for something in his bag. The rest were looking very closely. He took out a white large box that said ‘Twister’ in lovely colors.
“NO, Neville!” yelled Ginny, her face getting red.
Neville was puzzled once again, and in one last attempt of making Ginny happy he took out a pretzel out of his bag and showed it to her.
“GOD, Neville, why do you have to be so stupid?” asked Ginny, slapping her hand against her forehead.
Neville ran out of ideas so he decided to join the others and wait in silence. A few minutes passed, but nothing happened. Ginny started to wonder if her all awareness powers were starting to fail.
“I have an announcement to make,” said Destiny, or China, or Fantasy, breaking the silence.
Ginny sighed in relief and asked, “Yes?”
“I’m a man,” announced Destiny, or China, or Fantasy.
The jaws of the other four fell to the floor in shock.
“You’re a what?” asked Ron.
“A transsexual, a Drag queen…” listed China. The author finally decided that considering the true nature of this character she/he should be named China.
“You really are a…?” Neville uttered.
“A trannie, a Shanghai surprise,” continued China.
“How couldn’t I have known this?” asked Ginny, in shock.
“I’ve been hiding my candy from you all for the past year,” added China.
They surely weren’t expecting that twist! The author congratulated himself for being so creative and having a twisted sense of humor and continued with the story.
Poor Harry was the most upset of them all. His parents were dead, he had a madman after him, his godfather died, his Headmaster died, his first relationship was a failure, he had to end his second one and his possibly third one turned out to be a man.
Insert witty joke here…
Poor Harry wasn’t having a ball; he was having two.
“I love puns!” admitted Neville.
“I hate puns!” a high cold voice said. It was Voldemort!
Out of nowhere, a bunch of Death Eaters appeared and attacked our heroes. The battle was long and tiring, but our heroes managed to get out alive. The author could have written how Harry defeated Voldemort. Unfortunately, he was very busy and too talent-less to do so, but let’s just say that it involved a big concert Piano.
That’s the worst conclusion I’ve ever read in my entire life…
In the middle of the heated fight Voldemort’s cloak lifted and revealed his weakness.
That’s better…
He was a robot!
Spoke too soon…
“Harry, you have to hit the Self-destruct button!” yelled Ginny, dodging a hex. “Which is exactly what this fic has been doing since the very beginning!”
Harry nodded and went after Voldemort’s cloak. He tried to grab it, but his enemy was faster that he anticipated. Voldemort threw a hex at Harry that threw him to the floor and the evil man ran to the hills.
“Where did he go?” asked Harry, getting up.
“That way!” pointed Ron to a couple of small hills.
Along with the author’s artistic integrity…
Harry ran after Voldemort and rest of the gang soon joined him, after killing the couple of Death Eaters that remained alive. Harry disarmed Voldemort with a hex and tackled him. Both fell to the floor and Harry, after a little wrestling, managed to immobilize him.
“Hit the button!” yelled Ginny in desperation. “You have to finish this nightmare!”
“Yes,” added Neville. “This era of terror would be finally over, and children would be able to sleep at night, and I’ll be able to play Twister, and…”
“NO, you idiot!” interrupted Ginny. “I was talking about this horrible plotline!”
China jumped on top of Harry and hugged him.
“Please, don’t do it,” she pleaded. “The explosion would kill us all and I just got new breasts!”
Everybody, including Voldemort rolled their eyes. Harry didn’t think twice and pushed the flashy red button that was on Voldemort’s chest.
BOOM!
THE END
Hopefully…
Harry Potter and The Process of writing Fan Fiction by Purplemage
Chapter Notes: Thank you so much to Maia and Kasey who were beta readers of this crazy fic.