I don’t know, I really don’t know
If this castle in the sand
Is strong enough to stand
It was the light breaking through the curtains that woke me for the next few mornings, not the usual nightmares. I wasn’t sleeping much, often staying up until midnight or later, reading or watching movies to distract myself. During the day, I kept myself busy, trying to ignore the redness of my eyes, and the wet patches I left on my pillow. I hadn’t spoken to James since the picnic, although he’d left a few phone messages. Gina had come around a few times, but I hadn’t answered the door. She was probably worried, but at that point I didn’t really care.
I couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d said to me. ‘I mean- with you, and my friends- it really makes you appreciate what’s really important; friends, family, love. I feel like I’m making a brand new start.’
He’d sounded so innocent, so sure of himself. He hadn’t known how much he hurt me with those words. He’d spent so long getting over me, being angry at me, probably hating me, trying to forget me. He’d found someone new, someone who needed him as much as he needed her, someone who knew him as James- just James. Someone who didn’t know about Harry Potter and all the adventures he’d had, the dangers he’d faced. Someone who didn’t know how torn apart he was inside, who didn’t know he’d run away. Someone who saw him as happy. He thought he was making a brand new start. But really, he was right back where he’d started. With me.
He didn’t love me. He loved Hannah- or at least he thought he did. He’d discarded me, and found someone who cared. But if I stayed, I would be stuck in a world where only I knew the truth, where I would go on, wishing I could tell him, but not wanting to lose him again. I couldn’t do that- to him or myself. I had to leave.
I was running again, but this time, I wasn’t running away. I was running back.
I was making up my mind, much quicker than I would normally. My mind was racing, my heart beating fast because I’d finally found a way out of this terrible mess I’d put myself in. It was an easy way out; much more cowardly than anything I used to do, when I was still Hermione. But the Hannah inside of me was telling me to run, to get out while I still could. It was Harry, Harry was what made me feel like this- so strange, this feeling of hurried love. I didn’t want to be with him if it wasn’t actually me he wanted, but the thought of losing him again made me want to cry.
I picked up the phone and dialled Gina’s number at the restaurant. It rang twice before she picked up. ‘Hello, Gina’s café, Gina speaking.’
‘Gee,’ I said, in almost a whisper.
‘Oh my God, Han, is that you? I’ve been so worried. You haven’t called or answered the door; I didn’t know where you were! Are you alright?’
‘Gee, can you come over? I need to talk to you.’
‘Yeah, just let me get organised. Are you sure you’re ok? Have you been crying? I’ll be right over.’
It took her fifteen minutes and twenty-two seconds to arrive. I know, because I sat and watched the clock on my kitchen wall for the entire time. When I let her in, and she saw what I looked like, I think she actually jumped in shock.
‘Hannah! What happened to you? Look at those rings around your eyes! Haven’t you slept at all?’
I took her over to the couch and sat down. ‘Gee, you know how a few months ago we had that talk in the park?’
‘About how you’re magical and how you’re still in love with this hero guy? Yeah, that was pretty hard to forget.’
I took a deep breath. ‘That ‘hero guy’ is James. But he doesn’t know that it’s me yet.’
She exhaled heavily, sinking down onto the couch. ‘Oh God. How long have you known?’
‘Since that day after we went out for the first time. When I went to apologise. He had photos- of me, and my friends. And I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t noticed that the guy I was beginning to get attached to was actually the same as the one I was trying to let go of.’
She looked at me, confused. ‘But- but Han, I mean…Hermione; you’ve been so happy. Happier than I’ve ever seen you, actually. If you’ve known for this long, what’s the problem?’
‘He doesn’t love me, Gee. He loves Hannah, and that’s not who I want to be anymore. I want to be Hermione, who’s good at school. Hermione, who loves books. Hermione, Harry Potter’s girlfriend. I want to talk to my mum and dad again. I want to see Ron and Ginny. I want to use magic again. I don’t want to be stuck here, being James’ brand new start, when really, it’s just me. I want it to be like it is now, but without the false identities. I don’t want to lose you, Gee, but I don’t want to lose Harry either.’
‘So what are you going to do? I don’t think he’d react well if you just told him straight out.’
‘Oh God, Gee. I don’t know. I feel like running away from it all and letting you tell him. Do you think that would work?’
‘Seriously, Han? I doubt it.’
We spent the rest of the afternoon formulating plans, packing, and making phone calls. It took a long time, but between us we worked out what I was going to do. By the time night came, I had rented out my house, and arranged for the removalists to come and get my stuff. I called my parents for the first time in five years, and had the usual teary conversation. It was so great to hear their voices again. They sounded so relieved to hear that I was alright. It made me feel happy, but somehow sad as well. I felt like I was standing in the middle of a rickety bridge, and on one side stood my parents, and all my old friends. On the other side stood Harry. I was making a choice, which was hard when I could almost feel the bridge beginning to collapse beneath me. There would be no coming back across once I went to one side or the other.
I’m in the graveyard again. This is where I’ve been going a lot lately, when I’m finding it hard, and remembering is the only way I’m going to forget. The past is raw here, the memories as fresh as the day they were made. I open the iron gate which leads into the section devoted to those lost in the war. It’s difficult to hold back the tears sometimes, when I’m in here. Reading the names, and seeing their faces in my mind, it tears my heart in two. I go over and sit in our place, by the old tree in the corner. It’s colder here than in most places.
The initials carved into the tree are what hurt the most. The letters intertwine, and it seems that they had been carved by two people in a state of perfect happiness. The letters have begun to fade as the years go by and the tree grows, ever so slowly. Eventually, there won’t be anything there to suggest that there were two people so much in love, nothing to remind them of the relationship that didn’t work out.
I’m not crying today. I’m hurting, but somehow it feels like I’ve forgotten how to cry, and the tears refuse to fall. I’m waiting. I know I am. But the person I’m waiting for is never going to come.
Only a few chappies left! leave me some emotional support on your way out, please (!!!)
luv you all a lot a lot,
chlo