Part One:
Harry:
Good gracious, mercy me, alas
Is my birthday here at last?
It must be true, for here’s my card
From Ginny, who’s a modern bard.
"Oh Harry dear," she writes with glee
"I’ve simply fallen hard for thee
"Hurry, honey, do not lag
"Come o’er here so we can shag."
(VERNON pounds on the door)
Harry:
God no, it’s the big fat ass
Who’s never going to let me pass
(VERNON opens the door and glowers at Harry)
Vernon:
Get on up, you tub of poo
Your stupid friends are here for you
Already one has made some gum
Shoot out of dear old Dudley’s bum…
Harry:
Is that what’s really bugging you?
(VERNON turns puce-y)
Vernon:
…of course he had to eat it too
Hermione:
Harry, Harry, are you there?
Don’t give us a frightful scare!
Vernon:
Of course he’s here, you useless whore!
(DRACO pops out of no where)
Draco:
Weasley’s family is dirt poor!
(pops out)
Ron:
Hey, that was uncalled for, git!
Harry:
Lets just go…
Vernon:
…get on with it!
Hermione:
I’m glad you’re here now, Harry Potter
Ronald’s being quite the rotter
I’ve almost pushed him in a bush
Because he tried to pinch my tush!
Harry:
Too much info, Hermy dear
And Ron, stop staring at her rear!
Ron:
But its not too thin and not too fat!
(HARRY stares as well)
Harry:
I cant blame you for groping that!
Vernon:
Find a room, you horny three!
And get the hell away from me!
In fact, go live out by the fen
And never come back here again!
Dumbledore’s Voice:
Mind my last, Petunia dear
Vernon:
I’M NOT MY WIFE, YOU WRINKLED QUEER!
You friggen kids, you make me ill
Leave before I start to kill!
(The Golden Trio run out the door, and see DUDLEY playing on the grass. He waves at HERMIONE)
Dudley:
Thanks for the chew, you sexy felon
Now, was it grape or watermelon?
Hermione:
The former, fatso, juicy grape
Harry:
Hermione, isn’t that man Snape?
Hermione:
That is the man, I do so fear
Ron:
What the hell’s he doing here?
Snape:
I am Snape, the potion’s master
Bringing you to safety faster
Your happy lives are now in danger
And by the way, nice bottom Granger
Ron:
Ew, stop that little nasty moan!
That booty’s mine, and mine alone!
Hermione:
Sod off, you wanking tongue depressor
Harry:
What’s the problem now, Professor?
Snape:
I’m taking you to Grimmauld Place
Where isolation you will face
We can’t afford to let you out
For fear you’d die, without a doubt
You three, you’re finally out of luck
The Half-Blood Prince has run amok
Hermione:
I’ve read the whole damn library
But I’ve never heard a word of he
Is he mean or is he nice?
Snape:
He’s just a stupid plot device
Harry:
So why is he a sudden urk?
I bet I could beat up that jerk!
What makes this boob a fearsome prick?
Snape:
He carries one big giant stick
Ron:
NOT A STICK! That’s really bad
My gramp just saw one, and went mad!
Hermione:
That seem so awful, every bit
Though I’ve never heard of it
We’ve got to get you off the street
Before this Prince hits you a beat!
O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O
Will Harry be alright?
Will he get into a fight?
Why am I still rhyming this?
Do you find these words amiss?