Chapter One: Destroyer of Pretty Girls
Dear Luna,
Would it be acceptable to completely sabotage someone’s relationship by leaving the girl with hair extensions that randomly turn into fruitflies and stranding her in the middle of an uncharted landmass, say, Antarctica so that the boy can fall hopelessly in love with me?
-Destroyer of Pretty Girls
Destroyer of Pretty Girls,
My, it seems like we’re a bit bitter towards a fellow female, doesn’t it?
I would have to answer no, Destroyer, and I’ll tell you why.
Revenge is rarely as sweet as you think. Sometimes, it may even turn on you. For example, what if you were sitting near this girl and suddenly, her hair erupts in a cloud of flies? Or what if you read in the Quibbler, England’s most trustworthy magazine, that a stranger in Antarctica suddenly stumbled on a colony of now-extinct Milky Zapspit Mongerers?
I shall tell you my own personal experience with revenge. It reached my ears, in my Hogwarts days, that Ron and Hermione had begun dating. They were just rumours, true, but strong emotions stirred in me. So I set about planning my revenge on Hermione Granger.
Well, I’d heard of Hermione’s campaign to free house-elves. I’d overheard Ron talk (exasperatedly, I’m happy to say) about Hermione’s obsession over making hats and socks for the house-elves.
Immediately, I thought of the ingenious plan: why not sabotage Hermione Granger, the smart, beautiful Gryffindor’s efforts?
I asked Father to send me some Woolyshucks from Argentina. They’d only recently been discovered by him, so I was sure even the book-smart Hermione Granger wouldn’t have heard of them. After only a few questions I quickly avoided answering, he sent me about ten of them in a tiny parcel.
For those who weren’t fortunate enough to read the fascinating article (January edition of 1993), Woolyshucks are notorious for eating clothing, particularly those made of yarn and wool. The Woolyshucks, surprisingly, resemble dust bunnies. However, they are NOT harmless and should be treated with extreme care. They have been attributed to have caused many a sock to go missing.
Well, I placed one on Ginny Weasley’s hair (Woolyshucks, to eradicate any myths, do not cause those bald spots. To get rid of those, simply rub a Hairy Snorklepuff in the area.). Fortunately, the Woolyshucks hopped off after munching on her robes only a little bit. The poor Woolyshucks never made it back to my hands as, I am told, it greedily went after a loose piece of yarn that had fallen into the fireplace. The next day, after hearing Hermione’s excited chatter, I knew the martyred Woolyshucks did its duty.
I sent in two more Woolyshucks, and both were successful, from the conversations I overheard. After my third Woolyshuck, I began to get worried. Did the Woolyshuck really do its duty? The night I was to send the fourth Woolyshuck, I was dismayed to hear that the real culprit responsible for the missing hats and socks was Dobby the house-elf. I listened half-heartedly as Hermione complained about Dobby’s stock of all her socks and hats. Events took a turn for the worse when I heard Ron accuse Hermione of stealing his socks and giving them to Dobby.
My Woolyshucks, I’d learned, did nothing to help my cause. Not only had I caused the love of my life Ron Weasley an epidemic of lost socks, I, too, suffered from sock shortage. The Woolyshucks, which I kept in my chest in a small box, had eaten away a number of my robes, undergarments, and socks. When Ron actually began talking to me a two years after this episode, I was, of course, too afraid to mention what had happened. To this day, he has absolutely no idea. But now, let’s keep it between us, shall we?
Ah, I can see you’re still unsatisfied. Well, if you’re still bent on revenge, let’s make it a bit more tactful, shall we?
Let’s see…I suggest that you expand your revenge a bit more. For example, why stop at hair extensions? In fact, why give this girl pretty hair? Why not remove it altogether? There are several Hair Removal Creams for sale at Zonko’s and Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes. Choose from a wide selection, varying from “Bald and Bearded: Hair Growth in all the Wrong Places” to “Zap-a-Hair: Hair Loss in a Flash and a Bang.”
Do away with the flies. Flies make it awfully complicated and can even end up attracting your beau. What if the bloke was secretly a toad transformed into a man? Might I suggest infesting your nemesis’ hair (should she prove to be unaffected by the Weasley products) with nargles? They are usually found within mistletoe, triggering the infamous “kiss-under-the-mistletoe” symptom. Should you infect someone with them, the victim will have a sudden desire to kiss any who approach him or her. It’s usually desirable to accompany the infected girl and oblivious boy on a walk in a public park.
As to leaving the girl on an uncharted landmass, might I point out that the Quibbler has indeed printed out a map of Antarctica, ranging from the most severe drought areas to the best Waterlatch Pinefoot-catching location. If the girl had subscriptions to our magazine, which I’m sure she does, she would know exactly what to do should a blizzard hit her tent, sending Scathing Numlucks in her direction. I believe currently, though, we do not have a chart for Neptune. I suggest you send her there instead, though it’s very useless, in my expert opinion, to go through the trouble of infecting her with nargles and then shipping her off to a desolate planet with no one to snog.
I hope my advice helps in your quest for love, Destroyer. Remember, if you can’t find love on this planet, Mars is always looking to repopulate their shrinking numbers.
Love,
Luna
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Author’s Note: Thank you, Oppungo, for this installment of Love, Luna and for being my guinea pig.