Chapter 2 “ Fashion Disaster
Dear Luna,
I am a complete mess. I need to impress my potential boss at an interview at Hogwarts. What should I wear?! I mean, I have gold, silver, pearls, and even white gold all over the place. On top of that, my darling friend Laguna Leslie from Witch Weekly has promised to lend me her entire wardrobe for this! But how will I know if something clashes with the other or doesn’t match “ Oh Luna! Lend me your wisdom!
- Fashion Disaster
Fashion Disaster,
I can’t very well lend you my wisdom seeing as how I have no idea how you’ll return it. I will, however, give you advice since this is an advice column. And besides, you’ve come to the queen of fashion.
First, I’d like to give you my credentials in the fashion industry. In Hogwarts, girls always stared at me enviously as I passed. My radish earrings were the talk of the school! I was also able to magick a lion-headed hat to roar at the Quidditch games. Professor McGonagall loved it so much, she named me commentator!
Over the summers of my time at Hogwarts, I spent much time traveling with my father. You won’t believe how popular my choices in fashion have been among natives we encountered! If you ever stumble on Amazonians with purple teacups on their heads or two cords of neon green yarn crossed on their chests, do tell them “Alleeyalala-booboo!” for me.
I also almost got a job with Witch Weekly. I’d seen an ad they put out, looking for fashion advice columnists. Ron encouraged me to go for it, explaining that it would be better for the Minister of Magic if his sister-in-law worked at a more prominent magazine than the Quibbler. However, when I got to the headquarters, I saw some witches who worked there walk around in the most disastrous robes I’ve ever seen. No wonder they needed fashion advice.
My outfit for my interview was splendid, though I can’t take all the credit for it. I wore all black. My plain robes buttoned straight down my torso, and my neck was practically covered by the collar. The bottom part of the robes flared out when I walked “ a very powerful look, I believe, it gave me. You won’t imagine how much time I spent swishing about in front of my mirror.
If you went to Hogwarts around the same time as me, you’d know exactly who I looked like. That’s right. Severus Snape, ex-Death Eater then ex-Order member. I’d always admired him for his ability to intimidate others into giving him exactly what he wants. Granted, it was probably because he was known to be an ex-Death Eater and because he was a professor, but I was sure I could pull his look off. I had even considered changing my hair colour to match his, but I didn’t want to be mistaken for a wanted man.
The people who saw me enter obviously loved my outfit; their eyes were wide open in gawking surprise. Some of them hid their mouths behind their hands “ apparently they were trying their best to keep their words of praise inside, for it would not do to make others feel bad about their own outfits. Now that I think about it, I shouldn’t have worn this outfit. Some may have been offended that a newcomer was dressed better than themselves!
When the Laguna girl you mentioned came to me in the frilliest, pinkest shenanigan I’ve ever seen, my mouth began to turn upwards in a grin, but I stopped and thought. Professor Snape had never smiled at us. He’d always had a superior look about him, and he always sneered. Truthfully, I wasn’t a big fan of this, but if I wanted the job, I’d have to begin thinking like Snape. There must’ve been something about that man that enticed Professor Dumbledore to defy reason and hire him, and I was about to find out what that something was.
So instead, I turned the corners of my mouth downward and lifted my chin. I bared a few teeth in a snarl and nodded.
I followed her into her office, whose walls were adorned with moving pictures of angular women suffering a severe case of the Wiggidybong (I could tell, for they were striking random and awkward poses on their canvases much like Professor Lockhart, the most famous patient with Wiggidybong, did when one took his picture).
She conjured a chair for me and asked if I’d like to sit. Professor Snape never sits. Then she asked me what I would wear on a stroll.
Mind you, Professor Snape never strolls. Strolling shows a lack of dignity, control, and authority that is beneath Professor Snape. Even if he did stroll, I realized, Professor Snape wears nothing but his black robes. Funny, you’d think Professor Snape would love to walk with these billowing robes on.
I answered black in the softest voice I could manage.
I must have intimidated Laguna, for her eyes instantly became much larger. She asked me what I would wear to tea party with the Minister, to a Weird Sisters concert, on a shopping trip, and on a tour of Muggle London.
Professor Snape would never go to a tea party with the Minister (and the Minister would neither have a tea party nor invite the professor in the first place). He would never be caught at a Weird Sisters concert (neither would I; the Dancing Carrots are much better). Professor Snape would never go shopping (he has a secret covet of pixies to make his black robes for him). He certainly would never go into Muggle London (Muggles will always jeer at his clothing).
I tried hard to imagine Professor Snape in each circumstance, but I couldn’t shake the image of him in his black robes. So I answered black for every single question.
Laguna looked funny when she began to say how much she’d love for me to join the team, but I cut her off. This was the moment I had been waiting for. I had seen Professor Snape do this before.
I told her in the best imitation of Severus I could do that I thought the Witch Weekly was despicable, deplorable, and devastatingly pink. Didn’t she know how to run a magazine business? Doesn’t she understand that fashion is not just an art form but life? I stood up and told her to contact me when the magazine was ready for my inspection. Before I swept off, I advised her to stir three times counterclockwise.
Confused by my actions? Well, you might think it was insane for me to turn down the job, but it’s the perfect tactic to use during your interview with Professor McGonagall. If you deny her offer in the most vehement way possible, she’ll chase you for your skills AND approval. Professor Snape does this all the time in his potions class. He’ll sneer at you for making the worst potion ever, but that would only motivate you to try harder in a desperate effort to hear praise from the professor (though the threat of five nights of detention is a motivator too).
I wasn’t alarmed when I didn’t hear back from them. Obviously the magazine is still not ready, the poor dears.
So there you have it. To do well in an interview, you must think like Severus Snape, the man who’d gotten a job at Hogwarts despite his Death Eater status, all with the help of his wardrobe and stunning personality. I suggest you stock up on some black robes like Professor Snape’s and practice strutting and sneering; you have to achieve the essence of Severus Snape. Avoid washing your hair three weeks before the interview.
You should do fine, but let me know how the interview goes!
Love, Luna
-This message was not sponsored by Witch Weekly who ignored all requests to do so by Quibbler magazine, citing reasons related to mental health.-
Disclaimer: Luna’s advice cannot be applied if you are not a witch or wizard.