“It’s all my fault. I put myself in this mess. I told him, ‘Grow up and stop asking me out.’ He’s done both. Why didn’t I say, ‘Grow up or stop asking me out’? That would have been so much easier. Now, I don’t know what to do. He’s grown up, and he’s stopped asking me out. It’s a sick combination.”
Lily Evans leaned out the window of the Owlery. Not even the tight scarf around her neck could stop the chill from running through her body, but she enjoyed the sharp thrill it gave her. Her thoughts temporarily fled as she closed her eyes and relished in the cold weather of winter, her favorite time of year. Her ponytail holder slid out of her hair and fell to the ground outside, where she couldn’t get it back. The wind blew her hair in every direction without hindrance now. After standing long enough for her hair to be irreparable, she pulled herself back into the windless warmth of the Owlery.
Her train of thoughts resumed.
“He’s so mature now. He’s Head Boy, and he hasn’t harassed anyone in so long. Well, except me and my peace of mind, but that’s all unintentional. I can’t help it. I’ve fallen for him.” She groaned with this confession and slammed her fist on the windowsill. “Darn him. Well, how could I not? We share a room now. I’ve heard all his beautifu ideas. He's perfect. Perfect body, perfect behavior, and perfect everything.” An angry tear left a trail as it made a straight path for her chin. “And now he doesn’t want me. I was too hard on him. Oh, what’s wrong with me? Why didn’t I see it before? I should have said yes back in fifth year. He should have made me. If he asked me now, I wouldn’t give him the time to change his mind. I’d kiss him before he could open his mouth to take it back. I’d snog him senseless, then he’d have to go out with me.”
She turned to her companion. “Do you think he could still like me? I mean, what if he matured and took what I said seriously? So, he stops asking me out and hides the fact that he still likes me.” Picking up a handful of hope, she continued. “So, all this time he could still like me! Oh, what am I doing here?”
She grabbed her bag and headed for the door before she remembered her friend. “Oh, sorry, Mila. I almost forgot.” She pulled a small cube of cheese, Mila’s favorite snack, from her bag and fed it to the owl. Rubbing Mila’s beak, she added, “Thanks for listening.”
Then she bolted to her room faster than James Potter could have run on one of his best days. She was panting when she fell into their shared common room and dropped her bag on the floor. He was reading a book in front of the fire and didn’t seem to have noticed her loud entrance.
Must be a good book, Lily thought. The title read, “To Kill a Mockingbird.” Lily gasped.
“James! Why are you reading a book on how to kill an innocent bird?”
Hearing his name, James pulled his face out of the book reluctantly to answer Lily. “No, it’s not about how to kill birds, silly. It’s a Muggle book.”
Lily’s eyes narrowed. “Where did you get it?”
Thumbing through the unread pages, he said nonchalantly, “Remus.”
Remus Lupin’s mum was a Muggle librarian. Lily knew that and nodded at the reasonable explanation. James returned to his book.
Lily’s strength faltered. What was she here for again? Oh, yes. James supposedly still liked her. What if he didn’t, and this was all an unlucky guess? There had to be some way to find out. She moved closer to him so she could see his face. Her heart was racing faster than she had to get here.
“So, why are you reading it?” Lily winced. Oh, that was not what she was supposed to say. Come on, girl. Where are your guts?
James sighed and put his book down. “Well, Remus won a bet and made me read a book. I chose this one because it had the most interesting title. Well, in my opinion that is.”
Lily forcibly smiled. “Is it good?”
“I wouldn’t know since you keep interrupting me.” His eyes returned to the open page.
Lily bit her lip. Now, what? He’d get angry if she bothered him again. She could wait for him to finish, but that might take too long. Was this an omen of how the conversation would turn out? Maybe he’d get irritated with her again. Lily groaned. She could hear him now. “Lily, how dare you assume I still like you? That’s a little presumptuous. Why would I continually like you for all this time? Geesh, you call me the arrogant one.”
“Lily, is there something you want?”
His voice pulled her out of her horrible thoughts. “What?”
He put his book down for the third time. “Well, you obviously want to talk about something.”
“How could you tell?”
He frowned. “Well, for one you won’t leave me alone.”
“Oh, right.” Lily nodded and swallowed her fear. “Well, actually… James… there is something I need to ask you.” She looked at his face and crumpled. He was so cute just waiting for her question. For the second time, her strength fled. “Well, I need your advice on something actually. You see, I’m…” She looked away from him and licked her lips. “I’m in love with someone, but I don’t think he likes me. He did once. He asked me out. I said no. I told him I couldn’t stand him, and now… now, I need him.” She gave in to temptation and brought her gaze back to his face. He wasn’t looking at her. His jaw was set and he was staring hard at the wall to his right, her left. “James, is it possible he still loves me?” She swallowed and the bottom of her stomach dropped to the floor.
Without looking at her, James answered roughly, “Lily, if anyone could ever truly love you, I don’t think he could ever stop.” He didn’t pick up his book as he stood up slowly and left the room, leaving her open-mouthed and scared.
Even with the common room totally empty, Lynn Rivers couldn’t concentrate on her homework. The words in her textbook all ran together, and she’d already reread the first sentence seven times. Giving up, she slammed the book shut and placed it on the table in front of her, when the Gryffindor door burst open. Startled, she looked up to see Lily Evans flying to the seventh-year girls’ room.
“Lily?” Lynn called after her best friend.
Lily stopped attacking the stairs with her feet to search for the caller. When she spotted Lynn, her eyes grew large, and she ran to her friend, collapsing next to her in a heap. She stared crying loudly and very immaturely as if she were a child. Lynn carefully rubbed her back in circles, waiting for the sobs to subside. After five minutes, they did, and Lily lifted her head. She was a mess. Her hair was everywhere, and her face was red and blotchy. She hiccupped while trying to sit up straight.
“Lily dear, what’s happened?”
Lynn put her hand over her friend’s as Lily sobbed out a very short version of a story. “I told James I loved him, and he left!”
Now, Lynn was typically a prepared person. Nothing could shock her, and if it did, a very mild reaction would occur. However, this statement was overly shocking. “You what?! How long have you loved him, and why didn’t you tell me? And why would he leave?”
Lily sniffed and presumptuously pulled Lynn’s handkerchief out of her robes. “I don’t know. I think I’ve loved him since the beginning of this year. I didn’t tell you because I was ashamed. I mean, here he’s liked me all this time, and when I finally return the feeling, he… he…” Lily burst into tears again and shoved the soaked handkerchief in her face. She mumbled into the piece of cloth, but Lynn couldn’t hear a word.
Rubbing Lily’s back some more, Lynn prodded. “I’m so sorry, honey.” Thankfully, Lily’s eyes were in the reusable tissue, or she would have seen Lynn’s eyes blaze with anger. Lynn was very protective of her friend, and she refused to let anyone who hurt her get away with it. That man was going to be thoroughly reprimanded for hurting her Lily.
“Lily, why don’t you go lay down in your old bed and get some sleep? It’s late, and you look tired from all this crying. I’ll go get some hot chocolate from the kitchens, and if you’re still awake when I come back, I’ll give some to you. Okay?”
Lily nodded and left Lynn who immediately ran out of the common room in search of James Potter.
James shivered from the cold, since he had forgotten his jacket after leaving Lily. The cold wasn’t helping calm his anger. If anything, it was making everything worse. The lake in front of his position on the dock was looking very inviting. Gritting his teeth, he looked away from the water to the quarter moon.
How could she do this to him? Didn’t she know he loved her? Why would she rub it in his face that she was in love with someone else who had asked her out once? He’d asked her out millions of times and never had this affect. What did she expect him to say? “No, Lily, I doubt he loves you.” She had to know he would answer, “He has to love you.” How could anyone not love her?
And James was truly in love with her. It had grown so strong this year. They’d spent so much time together even if they hadn’t talked that much the whole time. She’d gotten under his skin and refused to leave. Her presence followed him anywhere, and her face was constantly present when he closed his eyes. Even now, when he was infuriated with her, her soft countenance stayed with him.
He sighed and refused to let any signs of his inner turmoil appear in a tangible presence on his face. Tears were for females and their sappy romances. James had to be strong like he’d been all year. Did she know she was killing him inside by not allowing him to speak of his feelings? Did she know he had changed for her but at the loss of so much that meant something to him? He’d killed any ounce pride or ego he had left for her, and she hadn’t even noticed.
“James.”
He didn’t move even though the voice startled him. “Yes.”
“I need to talk to you.”
He didn’t recognize the female voice, and he wasn’t talking to anyone tonight. “I’m really busy right now.”
“Yeah, I can tell.”
He smiled slightly at the sarcasm. “What do you want?”
“What have you done to Lily?”
He tensed. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. What have you done to Lily, James Potter?”
He moved. He glared into the face of Lynn Rivers trying his hardest to intimidate her and succeeding slightly. “I have done nothing to her. At least nothing to hurt her.”
“Oh, yeah?” Lynn’s voice rose over the chilly wind. “Then I wonder why she’s crying her heart out on her old bed?”
James’ rebuttal died on his lips as a mental picture of Lily sobbing entered his thoughts. He shuddered. “But… I didn’t do anything! I swear.” He looked at Lynn questioningly. “Did she tell you what’s wrong?”
Lynn’s eyes were narrowed, her face scowling. “She said you left after she admitted loving you.”
Lynn watched James’ features change drastically as this information settled itself comfortably in his mind. He gaped at her. “She meant me?”
“Of course, she meant you! Who else has she been spending so much time with this year? James, I thought you of all people would know whom she meant. You with all your assuming ego should have guessed immediately who was referring to.”
James shook his head. “I’m not an egotistical prat anymore, Lynn. I thought she meant someone else.”
“Well, what would you have done if you had known?”
James eyes grew wide as a scenario played out in his mind. “Where did you say she is?”
Lynn smiled. Now, things were working out. “She’s in the girls’ dormitory, and you can’t go in there.”
James smirked. “Sure, I can’t.”
“Oh, I forgot. James Potter, Hogwarts’ greatest prankster, would surely have some secret way to get in there, wouldn’t he?”
With a wink, James left Lynn standing alone as he sped into the castle.
“Don’t forget to give her some hot chocolate!” Lynn called after him.
“She’d better hurry up with that chocolate stuff,” Lily huffed. Sleep hadn’t come to her like Lynn had predicted. She’d stopped crying, yet her face was still red and puffy, and she was too lazy to do anything to change it. She sat in her old bed with Lynn’s blanket wrapped tightly around her.
There was something in her chest that wouldn’t go away. It was a feeling of hopelessness. She hadn’t been strong. She’d admitted she loved a man, the perfect man, and she’d cried like a baby when he left.
“I’ve turned myself into one of those silly heroines in Lynn’s stories that always react dramatically to the slightest problem.”
She fell back into the pillows and closed her eyes. Sleep had to come. She needed to stop thinking and fall into blissful nothing where there was no James Potter. Sleep came slowly, obliterating her thoughts and wiping away her troubles. It carried her away, leaving her body behind…
“Lily?”
There was a knock on the door, and Lily jumped about a foot off the bed. She silently cursed the knocker as she tumbled out of the blanket she’d encased herself in.
“I’m coming, I’m coming.”
Why didn’t Lynn just open the dumb door herself? Shoulders slumped, she dragged her feet to the door and opened it. Upon seeing James standing before her with two mugs of a dark liquid, her jaw fell promptly to the floor.
“May I come in?” he asked shyly while raising the cups as a peace offering.
“One minute,” Lily mumbled and shut the door softly. Aghast, she ran to a mirror. She looked like a tomato that had stayed in the sun too long. After searching for her wand, performing a few quick spells, and pulling her hair back, she still wasn’t satisfied but decided to let James in anyway. Wiping her palms on her robes, she timidly walked to the door and opened it again. He was still there. Lily motioned him, and he stood around looking for a place to put the mugs down.
“Oh! Here, I’ll take those,” Lily nervously offered. She grabbed the mugs and set them down on a table between two beds. She sat on a bed, and James sat across from her.
Silence.
Lily grabbed a hot mug as a thought struck her. “Lynn, sent you, didn’t she?” Who else would know that Lily needed chocolate when she was sad?
“Actually, she just told me where you were.”
“Why did you ask?”
The chocolate must have been very entertaining because Lily wouldn’t look up from it. “Well, I needed to talk to you.” He paused and took a sip of chocolate, setting it on the table when he was done. “Lily, would you please look at me?”
Lily shook her head.
“Look, I’m sorry. I thought…” he tried to begin.
Lily slammed her mug on the table and stood up. “If you came here to apologize, then you can leave immediately. I don’t want your pity.”
James stood as well and towered above her. Putting his hands on her shoulders, he started again, “No. That’s not what I’m talking about. I want to apologize for misunderstanding you.” Her glare softened. “The reason I left so abruptly wasn’t because I was mad or angry…. Well, I was, but for a different reason. What I mean is, I thought you were talking about someone else.”
“What?”
“I thought you were asking me for love advice concerning another man.”
One pretty eyebrow rose above the other. “What in the world would I do that for?”
He chuckled. “That’s what I wanted to know.” He carried on more seriously, “Lily, if I had known what you were talking about, I wouldn’t have walked away.”
Licking her lips, she ventured, “What would you have done?”
“He’s had enough time,” Lynn declared. She’d been pacing the common room for ten minutes now. She climbed the stairs one at a time. She prayed before opening the door to her bedroom. Opening it quietly, she saw James leaning over with his back to her and feminine fingers buried in his beautifully messy hair.
“So, I guess you guys kissed and made up?”
Neither moved from their comfortable position, and Lynn left as quietly as she came.