Rita Skeeter, snazzy, well dressed and finely groomed ace reporter involved with alerting the world of the return of you-know-who interviews panel of Hogwarts students and staff.
Rita: Ok everyone! Welcome to this discussion, hosted and moderated by myself. Know that a special silencing charm has been placed in the premises so that speaking out of turn is impossible. I shall interview one person at a time and ask important and intriguing questions. I have exactly 7 minutes, so, let us begin. First questions are for Harry potter.
Harry: yes?
Rita: Mr. Potter, exactly what prompted you to become friends with un-wealthy Ronald Weasley and brainy Hermione Granger?
Harry: Well, Ron-
Rita: And how long have you and Hermione been going steady?
Harry: I- what? We are not-
Rita: And when were you planning on telling her about your secret relationship with Ronald? Quickly boy!
Harry: I- Where did you hear-?
Rita: Aha! A confession! Thank you Mr. Potter, Silencio. Alright, well that sure was shocking! Next, if you please, I’ll ask Minerva McGonagall a few questions. So, Minerva, How long have you been wearing that same outfit?
Minerva: I beg your pardon?
Rita: Whoa, down girl. I’ll be asking the questions here Ms. M. So, is that your real hair color?
Minerva: Why, as a matter of fact it is! And I presume that your wig has always been that color, am I wrong?
Rita: I said I will ask the questions, Madame… Now, tell us about your strong friendship with Dolores Jane Umbridge.
Minerva: Tosh! I would no sooner befriend her than I would you!
Rita: Alright cat woman, that’s it! Let’s go!
Minerva: You want some of this??
Rita: Silencio! Ahem—
Now, (grumble) perhaps a chat with groundskeeper and care of magical creatures professor, Rubeus Hagrid. Rubeus, doing well?
Rubeus: Well, I’m jus’-
Rita: Wonderful! So, why couldn’t it have been follow the butterflies?
Rubeus: Well, you see, Mothra was busy. Something about visiting Japan…
Rita:Is that so? My, my, my. Well, do tell Aragog that our hearts—and worst nightmares, are with him.
Rubeus: Will do.
Rita: I’m sure you will. Silencio. Now then, I welcome Ronald Weasley.
Ron: Uh-hello.
Rita: Ronald, is it true that you are a very gifted seer?
Ron: Er, not really.
Rita: But isn’t it true that you’ve predicted pain in your immediate future?
Ron: There’s a better chance of this interview causing me pain.
Rita: (Punches Ron) Wow, boy you’re good. Silencio. Now, a treat ladies and gentlemen, professor Severus Snape.
Snape: Charmed.
Rita: I’m sure. Now Severus, isn’t it true that you have a personal vendetta against Gryffindor students?
Snape: Why, no.
Rita: No?
Snape: yes, no.
Rita: Really. Well, if you’ll excuse me.
(Grabs glass of water and tosses it in Snape’s face.)
Snape: Wha-!!??
Rita: Why Snape, you greedy boy! Drank all of my veritaserum!
Snape: What?
Rita: Snape, did you really hear what I said?
Snape: Yes.
Rita: Lovely. So, again I ask you: Personal vendetta?
Snape: I happen to despise Gryffindor house and most openly, Harry potter.
Rita: I see. So, inquiring minds want to know: Boxers or briefs?
Snape: Bikini’s.
Rita: (Silence)
Snape: Green one’s.
Rita: Severus, is it true that you are heartthrob “Emilio Wyres?” and that you take a potion to make your appearance such?
Snape: No.
Rita: No??
Snape: No. I am really songstress, ‘Bridget Nute.”
Rita: Unanticipated. It’s been a pleasure.
Snape: Not for me.
Rita: Silencio. Ahem—Next in line will be ex Auror, Alastor Moody.
Moody: Thank you.
Rita: Moody, is it true that you are afraid of potpourri?
Moody: Why?? Do you see some? I must warn you I will attack…
Rita: No need. Please sit down or I shall offer you a drink. Now, a question that haunts most of us in our sleep: Does that magic eye of yours see through clothing?
Moody: Uh, no comment.
Rita: Silencio! Take him away from me! (Mumbles furiously)
Next for this lovely interview will be Hermione Granger.
Hermione: Rita.
Rita: So, my dear friend. I… Tell me, do you… uh…
Hermione: What’s the matter, Rita? Afraid you’ll insult me?
Rita: Excuse me? I most certainly am not!
Hermione: Well, I must say you’re not much of an interviewer.
Rita: I… Is it true that you’ve been secretly seeing famous Bulgarian seeker Victor Krum?
Hermione: What if I have? That’s none of your business, and it must really, “bug” you to know as much!
Rita: Why you little… Silencio! Ladies and gentlemen, next is none other than Professor Albus Dumbledore. Albus, darling, how are you?
Albus: I am well Rita, as I’m sure you aren’t very concerned.
Rita: Why thank you Albus, it is a new Hairstyle! Now, is it true that you keep a living hat captive in your office, unfed and unloved?
Albus: No it is not. On the contrary, the sorting hat to which you refer often keeps me captive in my office. Also, he is regularly fed goat cheese and meets regularly with a professional songwriter/lyricist.
Rita: I- I see… Well, I… Have no further inquiries, thank you. Silencio. Next up is a miss Luna Lovegood. Luna, it’s been… too long…
Luna: Oh yes, I agree.
Rita: Yes, well, is it true that Blondes have all the fun?
Luna: How should I know…?
Rita: (Laughs) Knew you’d say as much!
Luna: I mean, I am neither brunette nor a red head, so, I would not have experienced happiness in any extent under conditions such as hair color’s direct influence on one’s state of bliss.
Rita: I- I see.
Luna: I see Thestrals.
Rita: (Stares, unblinking.)
Is it true that you’re “Looney?”
Luna: What people think doesn’t offend me, what one knows is of the importance.
Rita: Thank you, ‘Dear Luna.” Silencio. Now for a more cooperative interviewee, Draco Malfoy.
Draco: ‘Sup?
Rita: Nada Mucho. So, Draco, is it true that Hermione socked you in the face in your third year?
Draco: That’s a downright lie!
Rita: What if I said that we have recorded footage of the event? Roll tape! Yes, see, that is you, I presume? Wow, she really got you good! From the left, to the back. From the left and to the back…
Draco: Stop!
Rita: Oh, touched a nerve I see. Well, is it true that you dislike Harry potter?
Draco: Potty Boy? Of course! I’m not one of those fools who believes that Potty is a superhero.
Rita: So you hate him?
Draco: Yes.
Rita: Despise him??
Draco: yes!
Rita: smarter??
Draco: Yes!!
Rita: Stronger??
Draco: Yes!!
Rita: jealous???
Draco: yes!!!
Rita: That will be all.
Draco: What? I…
Rita: Silencio. My, that was shocking! If you please, Professor Trelawney.
Sybil: Yes, of course I perceived our meeting in a notice of the beyond!
Rita: yes… We like to call it, ‘Owl post.” Anyways, is it true that you’re vision is that of a blind biscuit?
Sybil: I beg your pardon?
Rita: Why, surely you knew that I would ask this question. You seem positively startled! Does this mean you’ll be dusting off those crystal balls of yours?
Sybil: My balls are in perfect order if you must know!
Rita: (Silence)
Sybil: (Sniff) And for you, Madame, I predict horrible things! A broken wrist! All your quills broken! NO INK!
Rita: STOP! Silencio! My Goddess! What an old fraud!
(Quill suddenly breaks)
--
Haha. (Pulls out a new quill)
Alright, last but not least we have a surprise guest of whose identity even I do not know! Let’s see who it is!
Grawp: Grrrrr! Where Hagger!?
Rita: (--)
Ladies and gentlemen, this is renowned and celebrated journalist Rita Skeeter signing off as we are all out of time. Hope you enjoyed this interviewing period.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The End
~LO