Sigh. School has begun again. You wouldn’t believe the drivel Iola and I are having to listen to right now as we try to go to sleep “ on our first night back at Hogwarts, too. You think they’d have spared us for at least one night.
Eve begins with, “I think we should make some changes this year, now that we’re one member short.”
“What do you suggest?” Ophelia asks, sounding interested.
“Well, for a start, we need to do something about our name. Since there’s no ‘L’ that’s worth mentioning, we’re either going to have to recruit someone called Lauren, or change our name to something different,” Valerie says. Iola raises her eyebrows at me from the bed next to mine, and we try vehemently to stifle our giggles.
“Well, it was HER who first thought of the name L.O.V.E anyway,” Ophelia points out, proving that they hate me so much they have forgotten my name ... I wish. “I never did like it, to be honest.”
“So, we should change it ... but what to?” Eve asks, sighing dramatically as if in deep thought.
“The Beautiful Babes?” Ophelia suggests.
“No, how about The Three Sexyteers?”
“Like a play on The Three Musketeers?” Eve asks, and Valerie confirms this shocking piece of information. And it really is shocking. “No, I don’t think it quite has the ring to it that we’re looking for,” Eve declares. And of course, Ophelia and Valerie instantly agree that this is what they thought all along.
“How about ‘When Good Girls Go Bad’? Or WGGGB for short?” Ophelia says, and I have to force my fist INSIDE my mouth to stop me laughing so loudly that the whole school hears.
“No, I’ve got the perfect name ... Kooky Bombshells!” Valerie cries, a little over enthusiastically.
I hear something fall with a thud from Iola’s bed, and when I look over, she is on the floor, rocking silently with laughter.
“What about ‘The Perfects’?” Eve suggests “ although, of course, there is no point suggesting something, when you’ll be agreed with straight away anyway.
And sure enough ... “That’s a great idea!”
“You’re so creative, Eve!”
“I know, it’s from my mother’s side. I think we should also change our names, just to confirm our new individuality.”
This is what gets me, as I too fall from my bed in sheer hysteria. Looking back, L.O.V.E (I can’t bring myself to call them The Perfects) are the least individual people I’ve ever met. We couldn’t go anywhere without the whole squad coming, too. Well, okay, I went off to stalk James that one time, but I’m talking about the others. I was NERVOUS going by myself that day, and wouldn’t have done if I could get away with it ... but L.O.V.E coming too would have raised a few too many questions, to be honest.
“What do you suggest?” asks Valerie.
Eve smiles. “I can be called Evie from now on. You can be called Val. And Ophelia can be called Lia! Isn’t it the best idea ever?”
I can hear, uh, ‘Val’ and ‘Lia’s shocked silence, but they soon agree.
“But I don’t really like Val, though,” Valerie protests.
“It’s better than ’Erie,” Iola says, pronouncing the remainder of the name, finally able to control herself for a few moments.
“Who invited you to breath?” Eve asks, nastily, but Iola doesn’t care, of course.
They continue planning their new start long into the night, as Iola and I lie awake listening to them, trying to control our laughter. When Eve finally declares that they should get some sleep, Iola seems to take it into her head to begin her own discussion with me.
Way too loudly, she says, “Hey, Lily, do you think we should have our own name?”
I grin, knowing what she is planning on doing. “Yes, Iola, that’s a great idea! You’re so smart!” I gush loudly.
“Thanks, it’s from my gerbil’s side,” she replies, off hand, totally cool. How does she not fall over in hysterics? She sounds SERIOUS. And I can practically hear L.O.V.E glaring at us.
“So what do you think we should be called? What about the Incontinent Igloos?”
“It’s good, but it’s not great,” Iola says, sighing. “What about the We Love Egg Pies Association “ or the WLEPA for short?”
“No, I have the greatest idea ever! We should call ourselves Kinky Missies, after my cat!”
Iola gasps, overdramatically. “And we should change our names too! Like, you can be called Lils, and I can be called Ola!”
“Oh my goodness, Ola, that’s such a fantabulous idea!” I cry.
“I know, Lils, isn’t it just?”
And so we go on, until finally, Valerie snaps.
“Will you two blithering idiots shut up? Some of us are trying to sleep!”
I turn to Iola, and say sincerely, “Come on, Ola, we don’t want to upset anybody. Goodness knows we might accidentally offend someone, I mean, just think of how terrible we would feel! Just imagine what it would be like to purposefully hurt somebody’s feelings!”
Now Eve joins in on the fun. “If, Lily, you are trying to make some kind of jibe, referring to Val, Lia or I being nasty on purpose, may I remind you that not three months ago, you would never have even considered talking to your new best friend. You were part of what was then L.O.V.E, and is now The Perfects, and I don’t remember you complaining then.”
“You know what I’m going to miss most about L.O.V.E? How nice everybody was to each other. We were like one big, happy family of four, you know? Too bad I had to go and ruin it all by finding a friend who I actually liked. Well, goodnight all.” And, remembering Sirius on my birthday, I fall into the loudest, over the top snores I can muster, and Iola soon joins me, after a large, equally loud and over the top yawn.
In the morning, my scary and possibly evil alarm clock wakes us up, loud and clear. Valerie has already gone on her five-in-the-morning daily run around the lake, and Ophelia is always up at six to got through a rigorous beauty regime to try and make herself less ordinary looking, but Eve is still in bed, being one of those annoying people who can get out of bed looking pristine and gorgeous. She isn’t too happy about my dastardly alarm clock waking her up, but oh well.
Iola and I go to breakfast fifteen minutes later, and Missy follows. She loves being at Hogwarts because she can make a trip around all five tables (including the teacher’s, she’s got nerve) and she gets fed by every single person who finds her sweet. At home, she gets fed when I remember, and it’s usually cheap tuna out of a tin. We meet the Marauders at the Gryffindor table. Sirius’s grin is suspiciously wide.
“We spent all night developing these,” he says.
“Developing these what?” Iola asks, helping herself to a generous amount of eggs and bacon.
Remus passes us each a large, oversized badge, in a shocking bright pink. Bold black letters say “L.O.V.E “ Large Ornate Voluptuous Egos”.
“Tell me you didn’t,” I say, my eyes wide in horror. I look up, to see Iola already pinning hers to her robes.
“Okay. We didn’t. Although, all evidence indicates to the contrary,” Remus points out. I can’t help but laugh.
“Come on, Lily, we all have them,” Peter says. I notice that even though Remus and Peter weren’t around much in the summer, they both seem perfectly happy to include me. Sirius must have talked them into it. Shame he couldn’t do the same for James, though. We may have an unspoken agreement not to openly loathe each other, but that still doesn’t make us buddies. Not even the fact that we are Head boy and girl together has done that just yet.
“Look, it’s not that the whole thing isn’t funny, because it is, it’s just “”
“Too late,” Sirius says. I look down. He has managed to fit my badge on without me noticing. How did he do that? He must have used some kind of dark magic, for sure! No, Lily, either you weren’t paying much attention, or he used regular magic. Like levitation and sticking charms. Oh, right, yeah.
“Thanks, Sirius,” I say dryly.
“That’s okay, Lily, babe,” Sirius replies, winking. James glares at him, subtly, and Sirius turns to him. “You’ve got to let it go, Jamesie-kinns! Old Lily is one of us, now! You don’t want to lose even more Padfoot Points for being grumpy, do you? Because I’ve already had to deduct around fifty for that reason! Iola is beating you now, and the fair Lily herself is not far behind!”
“Hey, Sirius, when do I get some Padfoot Points?” asks Peter, clearly affronted.
“When you develop hygiene, Wormtail,” Sirius says, but it’s obvious he’s joking.
Eventually, I am persuaded into wearing the badge. When L.O.V.E find out, they get this priceless part-sneer, part-shock, part-disgust, part-pity look on their faces.
Needless to say, by Lunchtime they have their own badges, in maroon, with yellow words saying “The Marauders “ sad, pathetic and overused”.
“This is war,” says James, grinning in spite of himself. And indeed it is. Soon enough, the words on our badges have changed to “L.O.V.E “ Long Orange Vertical Emus”
Which is quickly retorted by “James Potter has a “thing” for underage female trolls”. Which, if you think about it, is pretty creative, and lame at the same time.
Soon, Sirius comes up with our new message: “Now it’s personal “ L.O.V.E smell bad!” By this point, we are giving away free badges to anyone who is on our side.
It is quite a sight to see Sirius in the middle of the grounds, calling, “Roll up, roll up, free badges to anyone in support of our campaign! Lily managed to put a Protean Charm on mine, so whenever my message changes, so will yours! Show the superficial minority what you think of them!”
L.O.V.E soon try the same trick, except none of them are particularly advanced in Charms, and so they end up having to create new badges each time they change their message. Which, this time, happens to be “The Marauders and co are inbred freaks!” Clearly, L.O.V.E don’t understand irony, and that Sirius’s last “L.O.V.E smell bad” message was clearly showing that we aren’t taking this seriously at all. In their desperation (for there are a lot more of our bright pink badges seen than their maroon ones), they are getting nastier and nastier, while Sirius, the one who has taken it upon himself to be leader of our, um, “campaign” is making his messages more and more ridiculous.
The “War of Badges” continues for two days, and it is increasingly obvious who is clearly doing it for some fun, and who is taking it far too seriously. Soon, pretty much everyone who is choosing to participate is wearing pink badges, and only L.O.V.E and their small band of followers sport maroon ones.
Eventually, McGonagall takes all nine of us aside after Transfiguration.
“Look, don’t think I am not perfectly aware what is going on at the moment. This “War of Badges” business has got to stop. People are beginning to get hurt. The younger students, in particular, are taking it a little far. So far, three students have been admitted to Madam Pomfrey because of duels breaking out. It has to stop. I would have thought that the Head Boy and Girl might respect their responsibilities a little better, but Dumbledore does not seem to wish to speak to you both about the matter. I would have thought better of all of you.”
“We’re sorry, Professor McGonagall,” I say quickly. “We didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt. We only meant it as a joke, but some of us,” I glance at L.O.V.E, “didn’t seem to realise that.”
“We will, of course, cease immediately if you, as our mentor and advisor, wish for it to be so,” Sirius says, doing a swift little bow, and practically batting his eyelids. Yeesh, I wouldn’t be surprised if he takes her hand and starts kissing it, he is buttering her up that much.
She purses her lips, as Remus, Iola, James and Peter all nod and apologise sincerely. It sure is a good job that they can all act so well.
“And what about you, girls?” she asks, turning to L.O.V.E.
“We’re not that sorry at all. It’s all Lily’s fault anyway, she was the one who started it!” Eve says, and Valerie agrees whole-heartedly, while Ophelia nods in confirmation.
This is so unbelievably untrue, that I open my mouth in preparation to hurl all kinds of abuse at them, but for some reason, it is James who jumps to my defence. I certainly didn’t see that one coming.
“It’s not true, Professor! It was all mine and Sirius’s idea! Lily was reluctant to participate, but we forced her! See, when Lily made friends with Iola, these three made it clear that she would have to choose. And ever since Lily quite rightly chose Iola, they’ve gone sour! We knew that the first few days at school away from her ex-friends would be hard, so we decided to make it easier by turning it into a joke for her! It was a dig at L.O.V.E, yes, but it was also because we didn’t want Lily to feel bad. We wanted a distraction from how strange things must be.”
My mouth falls open. “Really?” I ask, astounded. Because, it worked. I was so caught up in working against L.O.V.E that the fact that I wasn’t with L.O.V.E barely entered my head. Because if it had entered my head, I would have been a wreck. That James, who I thought didn’t even like me, would do that for me makes me feel ... honoured.
James looks me in the eyes for possibly the first time in a long while (without loathing reflected in them, that it is) and says, “Yes. Really.”
I smile. “In that case, thanks.”
This is completely unbelievable. Okay, so Sirius helped, but I knew he liked me. I thought James merely put up with me. Could I have been wrong?
“Be that as it may, I am asking you to end it right now. You’re all on a warning. If any of you is caught doing anything like this again, it’s detention. Am I clear?” McGonagall says, trying to keep herself stern. But, as a casual observer, I can’t help noticing that her eyes soften a little at mine and James’s exchange.
Leaving her classroom, we change the message on the badges one final time, from “Evelyn Chase has furry nostrils” to “Fun’s over, guys, no more badges”.
A few people come up to us, and ask what’s going on.
“It’s over, guys,” Sirius says, sadly. “McGonagall pulled the plug. However, if you want to express your continued dislike, she can’t blame us for that, right?”
A girl called Chelsea, one of prefects for Gryffindor, looks thoughtful. “So, what can we do instead?”
Sirius pauses, as he thinks. “Well ... I guess that’s up to you, isn’t it? Only ... well, try not to make it too violent. McGonagall would just blame us anyway, even if we weren’t responsible. And try to keep it in good humour. Got it?”
Over the next few days, L.O.V.E get sourer and sourer. While we do nothing ourselves to display dislike, the rest of the school has clearly turned on them.
I feel kind of bad. I mean, even though I really don’t like them, they were still my friends. Ophelia, in particular, doesn’t deserve to be hated like this. I try and catch her after Potions one day. It is our last lesson, so everyone will probably head to Dinner.
“Hey, Ophelia!”
She turns, and Eve and Valerie turn, too. “What?” Valerie demands, rudely.
“I just want to talk to Ophelia,” I say, fiercely. “No harm in that, is there? She’ll catch you up.”
Iola and the Marauders have worked out that they should leave, but Eve and Valerie don’t seem to understand just yet. “Whatever you want to say to Lia, you can say in front of Val and me,” Eve says. They’re still using their new names for each other, it seems.
“Fine,” I say, resigning myself to the fact that I am going to have to say it in front of all three of them. “I just wanted to say to Ophelia, that I’m sorry that she is included in all this. While she has her faults, they’re not nearly as prominent as you two, and she doesn’t deserve the whole school hating her. Ophelia, you don’t have to stay with them your whole life. Moving on is hard, but I feel so much better for it, and I think I finally have some real friends. Ophelia, don’t let them corrupt you, you’re the one in charge of your life, not them.”
Ophelia bites her lip for a moment, as Eve and Valerie give me the scariest looks of loathing that I’ve received in a long time. Eventually, Ophelia shakes her head, and says, “Sorry, Lily. I’m happy with my life the way it is. With Val and Evie.”
And then she turns, and leaves, Eve and Valerie going with her. I stand there for a moment, all sorts of thoughts running around my head. Professor Slughorn leaves the classroom.
“Lily! Still out here? Is something wrong?”
I smile. “No, Professor, I was just ... I’m done here.”
“Well, if you’re sure. By the way, is this your cat? I found her inside one of the cauldrons, she couldn’t get out, poor thing.”
I notice that he is warily holding Missy out towards me. I laugh, and cuddle her close to me. I begin to walk towards the dinner hall, and Slughorn comes with me. “So, she was inside the cauldron, huh?” I ask.
“Yes ... yes, it’s quite a feat, isn’t it? Don’t know how she managed it, myself.”
“Well, she’s always been bonkers,” I say. I like Slughorn. He’s such a nice guy. A bit bonkers himself, but he’s always been a good teacher.
I sit down to have dinner with the Marauders and Iola, but L.O.V.E are nowhere to be seen.
“So, what happened?” Peter asks.
“Missy managed to get herself stuck inside a cauldron,” I say, not really wanting to go into what he was actually asking about.
James changes the subject tactfully, which is nice of him. As the conversation turns to Quidditch, I let my thoughts wander. Before I know it, we are heading up to the Common Room (but first I have to scour the Great Hall for Missy, who, it turns out, is eating off the plate of a bemused Third Year Hufflepuff).
Halfway through writing a Charms essay “ on Protean Charms, coincidentally “ L.O.V.E come up to me, fuming.
“Lily, we want to talk to you!” Eve says, angrily.
“Well, whatever you want to say to me, you can say in front of my friends,” I say sweetly, misquoting her from earlier.
“In that case, you can call off the people you’ve employed to hate us! We’re getting sick of all the nasty comments, and it’s all your fault! Before you got on your high horse, everybody liked us!”
“Actually, I don’t think I’ll ever be getting on any horses ever again,” I say, shuddering at the thought. Iola gives me an encouraging smile.
“That’s not the point, Lily! Nobody likes us anymore, and you’ve obviously done something to them! Just because you got delusional, suddenly people don’t like us, and so clearly it must be your fault!”
“Actually,” James says, with an air of speaking to himself more than anyone else, “No one liked you in the first place. Now that Lily’s gone, they’re just not afraid to show it anymore.”
Valerie whips out her wand, and aims it straight at my face. Sweet Merlin, this is getting scary! What do I do now? Get your own wand out, you fool! You don’t want to be undefended do you? As I reach for my wand, however, Iola, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter all jump up, their own already out.
Suddenly, the three girls look a little wary.
“Lily’s with us now,” Iola says fiercely.
“You know what?” says Eve, nervously, twisting a lock of her blonde hair through her fingers. “You can have Lily. We don’t need her. We don’t care if you all hate us!” she cries, her voice loud enough so that everyone can hear “ except, of course, that they were all listening anyway.
“Well, that’s just fine then, isn’t it?” reasons Sirius, but he doesn’t lower his wand.
“Well, we’ll just go then,” Ophelia says nervously. “Come on, Val.”
Valerie keeps her wand steady in my face. It’s getting very uncomfortable, and my eyes are starting to cross. “This isn’t over,” she says, nastily.
“Well, actually, I think you’ll find it is,” James says. He flicks his wand, and the skin of each of them turns purple.
“No, James, you forgot something!” Iola cries, dramatically. She flicks her own wand, and the hair of each girl turns green. People begin to laugh.
“You both forgot the most important thing!” Sirius says, loudly, grinning all over his face. He flicks his own wand, but nothing seems to happen.
“Uh, Sirius mate ...” Remus begins.
“I know, I know. But I think you’ll find that they have orange teeth,” he says, matter-of-factly.
“Oooh, creative,” Iola says, smiling.
People are really laughing now, and L.O.V.E have no choice but to leave. The whole Common Room applauds.
“Come on, James, we have to patrol,” I say calmly, standing up.
“Right you are, Lily, right you are,” he replies, following me out of the Portrait Hole.
We walk in silence for a while. “Look, James,” I eventually say. He looks at me questioningly, and I forget what I was about to say. “Um ... thanks. I think Valerie could have actually done something pretty malicious if she wanted.”
He smiles. “That’s alright. I know we’ve not been ... well, best friends lately, but I trust Iola. If she says you’re okay, I guess you’re okay. And ... and the others seem to have warmed to you considerably. Fresh start?”
“Yeah,” I say, not quite believing that I’m actually having this conversation with James Potter, the guy I’ve hated for so long. “Fresh start.”
“Also, you know, Missy’s so incredibly cute. And if that’s not a good enough reason to be friends, I don’t know what is.”
I laugh. “Indeed she is.”
So, it looks like me and James are on good terms for the first times in our lives. And I don’t seem to mind a bit.
I guess I’ll have to thank Iola later. After all, without her, I’d still be with L.O.V.E now. And that’s just ... that’s just nauseating.
AN: Well well, things are moving along nicely now, aren’t they? What do you think of these new developments? Let me know, I adore any feedback I can get! Although, I am away for the week after Easter, so may not be able to answer your reviews straight away ... but I will!