Crystal was new at Hogwarts. Just recently (around the time Mary-Sue arrived, in fact) Slughorn had mysteriously disappeared. Snape had returned to his job as potions master and Crystal had taken up the DADA post.
Crystal was, of course, American. She hated how medieval this Hogwarts place was, but loved being there nonetheless. At first, when Snape had been forced to be her “mentor” he’d been very disappointed, thinking her to be a brainless dumb-blonde American. She had proven him wrong by hexing him. Soon, they’d fallen in love.
Crystal, of course, had no way of knowing about Snape’s forbidden affair with Hermione Granger. That’s why she had made a move. She had grabbed him by the adorably greasy hair and kissed him.
Crystal also hadn’t known that Hermione was watching, her heart filling with despair and jealousy.
“How dare you!” Hermione yelled in a surprisingly high-pitched voice as she ran from the room. Crystal and Snape ignored her. Snape wanted a real woman, now!
Hermione was distraught. She had had a taste of a real man, now and didn’t think she could ever go back to being with a boy. She wanted to ask her new best friend Mary-Sue for advice, but she thought Mary-Sue was too upset just then. Of course, Mary-Sue was actually busy snogging Draco in a nearby broom closet, but there was no way Hermione could know that.
Just then, she bumped into none other than… Remus Lupin!
“Pro… Professor Lupin…” she stuttered, taken aback.
“Hello, Hermione.”
She couldn’t help but notice how manly and wolfishly sexy those words sounded.
“I’m back to teaching Defense,” Remus said, answering her unasked question.
“But… Professor Moon…”
“We’re each teaching part time. You know about my… affliction.”
Hermione nodded, suddenly feeling a wave of sympathy for the kind (and oh-so-sexy) werewolf.
“You know, Hermione,” he was saying, “we’re obviously very similar. I’m (as everyone knows!) a complete bookworm just like you, and we’re both brilliant. I may be twenty years older, but you’re so mature…”
Hermione didn’t understand what was going on inside of her. She only knew that he was so right. They were very alike.
Severus had appealed to her because he was older (but so was Rem… Professor Lupin) and also because he was so snarky and sarcastic. Lupin, on the other hand, was sweet and kind and ruggedly handsome. And he was so similar to her. And… he was definitely older!
“You see now, don’t you, ‘Mione?” Remus questioned gently.
“Of course I do… Remus.” She used his given name without being asked, and felt very daring. She felt even more daring when she stood on her very tippy-toes and kissed him on the lips.
Just around the corner, Mary-Sue was unlocking lips with Draco.
“Oh, Mary-Sue,” Draco sighed dramatically, “I can never tell my father about us!”
“Why not, love?” Mary-Sue questioned concernedly, “I come from a rich, pure-blood family!”
“But… but you’re a… Gryffindor! So we must keep our love hidden!”
“No! My family will take you in! They are so caring and loving, if over-protective! You don’t have to let your father hurt you anymore, love!”
“Oh, Mary-Sue! I am so lucky to have you!”
“And I am so lucky to have you! You’re so gorgeous and suave. What a sex-god!”
Harry and Ginny, too, were expressing their happy love.
“Oh Harry. You’re so manly! And such a tragic hero, my love!”
“Oh, Ginny! You may be acting like a push-over, mushy girly-girl, but I love you for how fiery and stubborn you are! Being with Mary-Sue made me realize how much I really love you!”
The two embraced tightly, when suddenly a tall, red-haired figure rushed into the room.
“Oh no,” gasped Ginny, “Ron!”
Harry hurried forward to meet him.
“Ron,” he said, “You’re my best mate, but I know you would never trust me with Ginny. Still, I love her. But my friendship is important too. So, please give me permission to date her!”
Ginny didn’t even say anything about being spoken of as if she were some object.
Ron’s murderous gaze slowly melted.
“Alright, mate. I guess you can have her.”
Ron hurried away again and Ginny and Harry fell back to snogging in the hallway.
“I’ll always keep you safe from Tom,” Harry promised her (he had started calling Voldemort “Tom” around the time Mary-Sue showed up).
Ginny nodded, feeling free of Tom’s (what? Ginny too…) presence for the first time in her life.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the country, in a secret cave hideout, Voldemort was sitting and plotting, coldly calculating the amount of time he would need before he could be reasonably certain the fic was almost over and it was his turn to try to kill Harry Potter. Again. He was on the verge of despair.
Just then, Wormtail walked into the room.
“M…my lord,” he squeaked (Wormtail seemed incapable of just “saying” anything), falling to his knees, “is there anything you wish?”
Voldemort jumped up from his seat.
“I’m supposed to ask for a pair of slippers. Damn this author, how is it a parody to make me act like a complete ninny? Let’s face it, that’s not humor it’s just OOCness!” he announced in a high-pitched screech.
“P… perhaps… perhaps she was trying to parody other humor fics where you’re made a ninny?” Wormtail responded nervously.
“Oh… Alright then. Wormtail, bring me my bunny slippers! Pronto!” Voldemort commanded as he fell back into his chair to continue plotting.
Suddenly he let out a maniacal chuckle. He had thought of a brilliant, brilliant idea. Though it featured in 99 out of 100 “final battle” fics, Voldemort knew no one would expect it. He would… attack Hogwarts!