A/N: Welcome back, lovely readers, for chapter seven! Since you didn’t try to kill me for the short, short, short (yet terribly funny) chappie six, you get a special treat. Er, chappie seven! And some cyber cookies. (^_^)>O
This chapter is sponsored by Teh UBER List (The new playlist I created with almost EVERY SINGLE CD I OWN on it), getting off of work in the early afternoon, and you for not lynching me.
“So, why exactly did the Dark Lord send you to bother me?” Snape said at the Battle of the Bands after party.
“I told you, he’s having a crisis. And he seems to think you can help, despite anything I say about you being completely untrustworthy,” Bellatrix replied, poisoning the drinks.
“He’s in the middle of a crisis, and you found time to participate in a band contest?”
“Yes. Well, I figure he won’t mind the delay if I maim and/or kill a few people on the way out.”
“Oh, by all means, go maim away.”
“Excellent.” Bellatrix drew her wand and started to head off.
Snape grabbed her arm to stop her. “That was sarcasm,” he said with the air of one explaining something very obvious to a very stupid three year old.
“Let go of me, Snape, before I stick my wand up that very large nose of yours.”
Snape sighed. “Again with the nose jokes. You know, your dear flea-ridden cousin couldn’t come up with anything better either.”
“I killed him, you know!”
“And no one’s more grateful than me. But it didn’t take a lot of brainpower to beat Sirius Black.”
Bellatrix looked about to argue back, but Snape cut her off. “Look, Bellatrix, I could argue with you all day, but we both know I’d win.”
She was about to argue back again when Snape said very loudly, “Crisis!”
“Oh, right, crisis…Um….” She looked around, set a few people on fire, then turned to Snape and said, “Right, let’s go.” He rolled his eyes and they headed out the door.
They reached the Entrance Hall, and Bellatrix headed towards the front doors, while Snape was heading towards the dungeons.
“Where are you going?” Snape asked.
“The door, so we can get outside the grounds and Apparate,” Bellatrix responded with the air of someone explaining something very obvious to a very stupid three year old.
Snape shook his head. “I’ve got a shortcut. It’s potentially shorter.”
“Potentially?”
“Depends on how it behaves.”
And Snape led the way down to his office in the dungeons. They reached the door, and Snape opened it to find a tidal wave crashing down on them. He quickly shut the door and opened it again, now looking into a very cluttered coat closet.
“Here we are,” Snape said, and stepped into the closet.
“How do you even know where we are?” Bellatrix said.
“The pimp cane,” Snape answered simply.
“Wha?”
Snape opened the other door of the closet and stepped out into the Death Eaters’ headquarters.
Currently, the handful of Death Eaters in the room were eating.
“Geez, you two are only now getting in?” asked Rastaban, or Rastaman, or whatever his name is. Bellatrix’s brother-in-law. You know who I mean. “I just nicked some sandwiches from the after party and left.”
“Well, you know how Bella gets,” invented Snape, not missing a beat. “Falling down drunk, throwing herself at me. I mean, I know she wants me, but does she have to make it so painfully obvious? Especially in pubic. Good thing I’m a Potions master, I had something on hand to sober her up-“ Snape suddenly grimaced and leaned on one of the chairs in the room. “And I’ll be able to repair my kidney.” He looked back over his shoulder at Bellatrix. “You just shanked me with a wand.”
“That I did.”
“I hate to interrupt,” spoke up the owner of the aforementioned pimp cane, Lucius Malfoy. “But the Dark Lord is waiting for you two…”
“Aren’t you supposed to be in jail?” Bellatrix asked.
“This is a humor fic, Bella, I go where I’m needed.”
“Right, anyway…” She grabbed Snape’s collar and dragged him after her.
They entered a room where the Dark Lord Voldemort was pacing.
“About time you two got here!” he said. “I’ve been having a crisis for several HOURS now!”
“Many apologies, my lord, I was maiming people,” responded Bellatrix promptly.
“Oh good, at least you were doing something productive. What’ve you done for me lately?” Voldy shot at Snape.
“I smacked Potter upside the head in the Goblet of Fire movie.”
“Oh yeah, that was awesome.”
“So what’s this crisis you’re having that was so urgent you sent Bella to bother me at work?” Snape asked.
“Huh? Oh, yes, crisis.” Voldy stopped pacing and glared at Snape and Bellatrix. “A severe problem of a severe sort has come to my attention recently! I first noticed it at the meeting last Tuesday-“
“Oh, that Nott got a haircut?” Bellatrix said.
“Or was it Avery losing that bet and coming in drag?” guessed Snape.
“No! It was”wait, what?!”
“Never mind. Continue.” Snape smiled politely.
“Yes! Crisis…As I said, this came to my attention during the last meeting, and it may be why I didn’t notice anything else….” Voldy shuddered and continued, “Well, I was looking over my notes, and noticed how very blurry all the words were! And I looked up and noticed how very blurry everyone else was! It seems that my eyes, while stylish and frighteningly red, don’t see as well as they used to…” He sighed, then became very brisk. “So, Snape, you’re a Potions master. Whip up something to fix it.”
“Er, my lord, while I am really that brilliant and such, I’m afraid I’m not licensed to deal with eye problems. Especially because if I screw up, you’ll take mine.”
“What?! What the crap do I pay you for, anyway?”
“You don’t pay me at all.”
“Oh yeah.”
“Don’t despair, my lord, I know of a reputable, yet thoroughly evil optimologist in Knockturn Alley.”
“Why didn’t you say so sooner? Let’s get going!”
And so they went to the office of Dr. Evileye, at 66 Knockturn Alley.
“OK, Mr. Dark Lord, which is better? One, or two? One, or two?” asked the doctor.
“If you didn’t switch them so quickly, I could tell you.”
“Alright…One?” Pause. “Or two?”
“Two!”
“OK, one?” Another pause. “Two?”
“Faster than that, you idiot.”
*Some time later*
“OK, cover your left eye and read the chart for me.”
“E…V…I…L…R…U…L…E…S…”
“You’re making that up!”
“No I’m not!”
“Yes you are!”
“OK, I am.”
*Much, much later*
Currently, Voldy was picking out glasses frames. “How about these?” he said, trying on a pair. “They’re kind of cool…”
“I believe our mutual arch-enemy wears the exact same model…” said Snape.
“Larry King?!”
“Uh, no, Harry Potter, my lord.”
“Oh. Never mind then.” Voldy set the glasses on fire and chucked them on the flaming pile of his previous rejects.
*A Whole Freaking Lot Later*
Snape and Bellatrix were falling asleep. They were waiting for the doctor to fit the lenses with Voldy’s prescription in the frames he had (finally) picked. While Voldy was waiting very expectantly, the other two were bored out of their skulls, and thus, falling asleep.
In fact, Bellatrix had started snoring and Snape was nodding off when the doctor came back.
“Here we are…” Snape vaguely heard him say. “How’s this?”
“Hey, alright!” Voldy said. “Everything’s so clear!”
“Here, why don’t you take a look at yourself in the mirror? See how the frames suit you…”
“OK then….AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”
Snape jumped a clean three feet in the air and landed on the floor; Bellatrix shouted and shot off a spell, which blew up a model of the human eye.
“I DON’T HAVE A NOSE!!!!!”
“Wha? Buh?” Snape sat up, and Bellatrix peeled herself off the ceiling.
Voldy tuned to them, aghast. “I DON’T HAVE A NOSE, GUYS!!!”
“We know,” Snape said, very slowly and clearly, as though diffusing a bomb. “You haven’t for a while.”
“Really?!”
Snape and Bellatrix nodded. “You mean you haven’t noticed?” Bellatrix asked.
“No…When was someone gonna tell me?!”
“We thought you did it on purpose!” said Snape.
“Why would I do that?! I look like a freak! Who’s gonna take me seriously as an evil dark lord if I don’t have a nose?!”
“Well, you are the most feared wizard there is…” said Snape reasonably.
“And all of us minions take you very seriously,” Bellatrix added.
“Stop sucking up guys, I look stupid!” And Voldy whipped a brown paper bag out of nowhere and pulled it over his head.
“Oh great, he’s getting despondent…” muttered Bellatrix, rolling her eyes.
“Lemme see…” said Snape, searching his pockets. “Master, I have a lollipop….”
“Leave me alone!”
“If I might,” came an unctuous voice from the corner. Dr. Evileye was smiling in a slimy way. “He might try these, they have a nose built in.” And he held up a pair of Groucho Marx glasses. Snape tried his utmost to not laugh, while Bellatrix just looked confused.
“Built in nose?” said Voldy. “Lemme try them…” He handed over the non-nosed pair he had been wearing, and the doctor took them and switched the lenses. Then Voldy took the newly fitted-to-him gag glasses and put them on. All under the paper bag, mind.
“Well, I don’t know…” Voldy said.
The doctor rolled his eyes. “Take the bag off of your head and look in the mirror, sir.”
Voldy did so, and said, “Wow!” with a big grin on his face. “These are great! Thanks, doc!”
“The nose is extra, by the way.”
“What? Screw that.” And Voldy killed the doctor dead. “Let’s go guys. Rastaman has sammiches!”
A/N: Two-thirty in the morning makes us CRAZY! Yes it does….precioussssss….*Slaps self* Ahem! How was that? Much longer than last time, no? And quite humorous? So now you have no choice but to keep me around to write more. Anyway, send reviews and such acquainted materials via….well, reviews. Er, yes. Can you tell it’s late?