A/N: So, I’m dreadfully lazy. This story arc was originally going to cover a couple chapters, but it’s down to one now. I blame the fact that I’m writing a book and am short on writing time. However, this shall hopefully answer a few things/satiate your crazy buds.
Sponsors! Music, reviews. The usual.
Neville and Monkey wandered up the dark street, searching. They’d followed Arbitrar’s trail this far, but it had gone cold.
“Where could he be, Monkey?” Neville asked, sweeping the light from his wand from side to side across the road. “I haven’t been in this many chapters for no good reason!”
“Oooh oooh eeh eeh,” Monkey answered. “Ooooh oooh ooh Eeeh?”
“No, remember what happened with the Chinese Ambassador? He’s somewhere around here, I know it. He’s got to be!”
Just then, the wand light fell on a Snorkack-sized hoof print.
“Success!” Neville cried. “Look, there’s another one! And they’re fresh!”
“Oooh ooh eeh eeh ooooh.”
“Oh, shush, I took a correspondence course in tracking. Anyway, it looks like the prints lead this way…” The light fell on a sign that read “Welcome to Hogsmeade!”
“Well, what the crap was the point of travelling all the crap way around the globe for no crap good reason?!” Neville said “crap” a few more times, and Monkey jumped up and down and screeched his displeasure.
“Fine then,” said Neville, gaining his composure again. “We’ll just follow these tracks until we find Arbitrar!”
And so they followed the tracks. They went up the High Street, down a winding lane, and Neville ran headlong into a tall iron gate.
“Ow! Dirty sonofa-“ He looked up; he’d run into the gate of Hogwarts. “What. The. Crap…Whatever. I’ll just go back to the school, and find Arbitrar!”
Meanwhile, in a dark, unused classroom at Hogwarts….
Arbitrar giggled maliciously. “Come, Snorky! We must distribute these copies of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows! Surely no one in the school will have read it.”
Snorky mooed evilly in agreement.
“Let’s hurry it up then; we’ve got to meet that mysterious OC David kid no one remembers, because he hasn’t been written about in like, six chapters.”
In the Gryffindor common room, there was a massive character party of some sort. The author had called a meeting, and this was as good a place as any.
“But what about my homework?” said some Gryffindor second year.
“Go do it in the library,” the author suggested. “Or your room. Just not here. Now shoo.”
The second year, muttering under his breath, ducked through the portrait hole with an armload of books.
The room already held Harry, Ron, and Hermione; there was also half the Order. Well, OK, it was only Moody, Tonks, and Lupin. McGonagall and Dumbledore were there also, sipping tea and watching Ron trouncing Harry at chess.
“Move the knight, Harry,” Dumbledore advised.
“Uh, sir? Shut up please.”
“So who are we still waiting for?” Lupin asked the author.
“I thought you weren’t speaking to me.”
“Curiosity has gotten the better of me.”
“Fine then, we’re waiting for a few others. That’s all I can say. Well, that and everyone needs to behave themselves. I’m looking at you, Moody.”
Before anyone could comment on this weird and cryptic remark, a vast BAMF! overtook the room. Out of the smoke stepped Voldy, Bellatrix, and a couple other DEs no one can ever remember the names of.
“Mwahahaha!” said Voldy. “Oh look, it’s the Order of the Phoenix! And I mean look, since I can see you all now.”
All the Order members were trying to not laugh at Voldy’s ridiculous gag glasses.
“Nice glasses, Tom,” said Dumbledore amiably. “Where’d you get them?”
“Some evil doctor guy in Knockturn Alley. But you can’t get a pair, because I killed him dead. He dared overcharge me.”
“Ah.”
“Hey, Rastaman, you bring any sammiches?” the author asked one of the other Death Eaters.
“Uh, no, we ate them all.”
“Boo! Away with you then!”
He scowled and Disapparated, along with the other guy who wasn’t adding anything to the convo.
Voldy elbowed Bellatrix, and asked her in a carrying whisper, “Was her hair always purple?” He pointed at Tonks.
“Sometimes it’s pink,” Bellatrix responded in a similar whisper.
“Hey, Bellatrix,” Tonks called over contemptuously. “Here’s something from my mom for you.” She chucked over a thick envelope.
Bellatrix opened it and looked at the contents. “Aw, ‘I Hate You’ birthday cards from several years past. Thanks so much. Tell Andromeda I hate her too.”
“I wish I had a sister!!!!!” Voldy cried, and started sobbing on Bellatrix’s shoulder.
“Uh, my lord, you’ll wreck your glasses…”
“Oh yeah.” He stopped crying at once and looked around at them all evilly impressively.
“I have the distinct feeling I’ve just missed something…” came a voice from the portrait hole. Everyone turned and saw Snape had just entered.
“How’d he get in here?!” Harry shouted, jumping to his feet and conveniently tossing the chess game he was about to lose.
“This is a humor fic, Harry, he can know the password if he wants,” the author said. “Besides, you didn’t even bat an eyelash when Voldy and co. suddenly bamfed in.”
“Well, I, uh…Look, an overturned chess game!” He dove behind the table and started to pick up the spilled pieces.
“Okay, now that we’re all here,” said the author, calling order to the bizarre collection of people present, “I’ve got to ask you all something big. Since book 7 has come out, the series is over, I must ask you all to keep it under wraps. I don’t feel like putting spoiler tags on my story, so I’ve got to ask you all to ignore canon, and go about insanity as usual. No unhelpful references; I don’t want to get in trouble here.”
Everyone stared for a minute.
“You make it sound like that’s gonna be hard,” said Ron.
“I’ve been dead since book 6, I’m still here,” said Dumbledore.
The author shrugged. “I figured it wouldn’t be hard, I just wanted to give everyone a head’s up, so they would at least know why I drop things on them.”
“Why’d you have to call everyone together, then?” asked Tonks.
“Maybe you can Apparate, but I can’t! Besides, we haven’t had a DE/Order confrontation in this story yet.”
“Yeah, real confrontational here.”
“You chucked stuff at Bellatrix, doesn’t that count?”
Before anyone could respond to this, the Fat Lady’s portrait swung forward, and another person stepped in.
“Not now, David, we’re having a huge, possibly evil meeting,” said Harry to the boy.
“Oh, I’m just holding the door for my uncle,” said David, grinning malevolently. “Coast is clear, Uncle Edgar!” he shouted over his shoulder into the hall behind him.
And tromping in behind him came Arbitrar, followed closely by his Crumple-Horned Snorkack.
“So that’s why that kid was so weird…” muttered Harry.
“Eeek, a creepy Snorkack!” Voldy shrieked, leaping into Bellatrix’s lap.
“I’m not complaining, mind,” she said.
“Ahahahahaha!” Arbitrar said, gazing around at all the stunned looks. “Surprised to see me, are you?”
“Well, obviously,” said Snape. “Considering you were so unceremoniously sacked.”
“Who is this guy?” Bellatrix asked.
“Some lunatic I threw a knife at.”
“We’ll have to compare knife throwing notes sometime, Snape.”
“Wait, you can throw knives?”
“I’d assume so. I’m awesomely evil like that.”
“Hey, this is my ego trip!” Arbitrar shouted. “And to prove how sinister I really am, I’ve obtained several copies of book 7, and am distributing them around! The spoilers will be everywhere! Ahahaha!”
Everyone stared at him.
“Uh, Edgar, everyone’s read it already,” said the author.
Arbitrar’s evil grin fell. “You have?”
Everyone else nodded.
“Well, this was a crap idea, huh?” he said to Snorky, who merely mooed in response. “Well, uh…..Every-Flavor Beans!!!” He chucked a bunch of the treats into the air, then leapt for the window. Instead of crashing through, he merely bounced off the glass.
“Ow, crap…” He struggled to his feet, feeling his nose. “Man, I just wanted to cause some havoc with spoilers…”
“That’s kinda what this meeting was about, actually,” the author continued. “I was just telling everyone-“
“Well, since you’re all done, I’m sure you loved the book, then!” Arbitrar interrupted. “I liked the part where-“
“No spoilers!” cried the author.
“Personally, I liked when-“ started Tonks.
“Shut up guys!”
“Or how about when-“ said Lupin.
“Knock it off!”
“And then there was the part-“ said Harry.
“Oh yeah, when-“ said Ron.
“No, the bit where-“ said Hermione.
“Cut it out now, I mean it!”
“Anybody want a peanut?” everyone said.
“I loved that whole chapter where we-“ Voldy said.
“Oh, yeah, loved that bit when-“ Bellatrix agreed.
“That does it!”
“How about when Harry-“ Dumbledore started.
“ARGH! YOU NAMED NAMES! Now I’m so much trouble!”
“Come now, the series is named after Potter,” said McGonagall. “It stands to reason he’s in the books.”
“Well, yeah, but still…”
“Oh, there was that bit at the beginning where-“ Moody said.
“I’m so close to pulling out the duct tape, I’m dead serious…”
“I personally enjoyed when-“ Snape said, smirking at the author’s plight.
“Next person to say anything will suffer my wrath, I swear!”
“How about I just read it aloud, and we can all enjoy our favorite bits again?” called out Arbitrar. He whipped out one of his illicit copies, opened it, turned the page with a flourish, and started to read. “Chapter one! ‘The-‘”
“SPOILERS!!!!!” screamed the author, swiping Arbitrar’s copy of the book and beating him over the head with it.
Just then, the portrait flew open again, and in came Neville and Monkey.
“AHA!” Neville cried. “I’ve found you, at last!”
“Buh?” said Arbitrar, trying to shake off the mad author.
“I said, I’ve found you. I’ve come to get my power back”
“…………BUH?”
“The Power of Suggestion. It gave me limitless power! And when you left, I had nothing but my ambition remaining. Then I found Monkey, and I was a little less depressed. But I’ve come to reclaim the rest of my power!”
“Neville, I never really gave you any power. This story was as weird as it was because it was written that way.”
“Don’t drag me into this…” the author said.
“What? Then what the crap was the point of all of it?!” Neville shouted.
“Don’t worry,” said Arbitrar, “I can explain like this….Snorky, attack!”
The Snorkack lunged, and sent Monkey flying into the opposite wall with a shriek.
“Monkey, no! Oh, you’ll pay for that…MIMBLY!”
There was a sudden, faint, thud from upstairs. It came again, getting louder. And again, and again. Dust started to shake from the ceiling.
“Anyone else having a Jurassic Park flashback?” asked the author.
Suddenly, from the staircase to the boy’s dormitories came a large, lumbering, grey, bloby thing, covered in spines, pulsating slightly, and growling angrily.
“WHOA!” said Arbitrar.
“Is that the old Mimbulus Mimbletonia?” Harry asked.
“That it is!” Neville answered.
“What’d you feed that thing?” Arbitrar said with a bit of panic.
“Peanut butter and Strengthening Solutions.”
“Oh, bless him, he learned how to make a potion,” said Snape, just a little sarcastically.
“RAR!” said Mimbly.
“MOO!” said Snorky.
They charged at each other. Snorky lowered his horns, but Mimbly caught hold of them. They pushed each other back and forth for a bit, then Mimbly tossed Snorky aside. Snorky mooed angrily, getting to his feet. Mimbly charged at Snorky again, and they crashed out of the window. Sounds of them fighting could be heard from the grounds below.
“OK, that was a little strange…” said the author.
Everyone else had crowded around the windows.
“I’m betting on the plant,” said Ron.
“No way, the cow’s gonna win!” said Voldy.
“Uh, I think we can leave it at that…” said the author. “Let’s just say everything went on crazily ever after. Now, go read Deathly Hallows, if you haven’t already. I won’t be the one to spoil you.”
A/N: There we go, chapter 9! Send reviews, via reviews. That is how it works. Yes. *nods* Until then, I have a book to write. Toodles!