***
I was too late. My heart wrenched as I looked upon the mangled mess of a house. The house that once held my best friend and surrogate brother. His wife, who was like a sister to me. Their son, who was like a nephew. The windows were shattered, and the lawn was covered with destroyed books, papers, furniture and other rubbish. Anger overtook me as I looked at the wreckage. It was all his fault, the man who I had once trusted, who James had trusted.
‘No,’ I thought, ‘It’s all my fault.’ Tears sprung to my eyes as I remembered the day that I as good as killed Lily and James Potter.
*flashback*
“You need to go into hiding. As quickly as possible,” Dumbledore urged, “When the Fidelis Charm is complete, no one will be able to find you. You will be safe. Harry will be safe.”
“We are ready, sir,” James answered. Lily looked nervous and scared, but James’s face showed no emotion whatsoever. Little Harry gave a whimper.
“Very good. Are you sure you don’t want me to be your Secret Keeper?” Dumbledore looked anxiously at the young couple and their small child.
“Yes. We are very grateful for your offer, but Sirius is like my brother. Don’t worry, he won’t let us down, right ol’ Padfoot?”
I smiled, “Right, Prongs.” But suddenly a scary thought came to me. I was James’s best friend, a likely choice for his Secret Keeper. The Death Eaters would come after me first. I would die gladly to protect him and his family, but what if Voldemort, or one of his other followers (I shuddered, thinking of my dear brother), tortured me, and I cracked? I would not be able to live knowing I had let my best friend die.
Swiftly I pulled James and Peter aside for a quick, whispered discussion.
“Actually, James, I think you should use Peter. The Death Eaters would never come looking for him.”
“Okay,” James answered, his brow furrowed, “If you think that is the right choice.”
Peter squeaked. A scared and confused look came over his face, but he slowly nodded. Dumbledore looked very worried, occasionally glancing at the sleeping child in Lily’s arms. I could not help but wonder if this was a good decision.
*end flashback*
“Oh, James,” I whispered, “If only I had not suggested Peter. If only I had known…”
Slowly I made my way over to the dilapidated doorsteps. The door hung in splinters from its hinges. As I entered the front hallway, I noticed a picture that had fallen onto the floor. The frame was cracked, and the photograph was scratched, but I picked it up nonetheless. I remembered that picture well-- it had hung in the Potters’ front hall for as long as they’d been married. Before then, it had been kept in James’s bedroom. More specifically, under his pillow, the poor, love-sick, slightly delusional teenager he was. But that’s neither here nor there. In the photograph, James waved eagerly up at me from a couch in the Gryffindor Common Room, his grin spreading across his face. His arm was casually draped across Lily’s shoulders. She was smiling shyly, and a faint blush covered her cheeks, caused by the surprising and yet not-so-surprising events of the last hour…
*flashback*
Remus, James, Peter, and I stepped through the portrait hole, laughing and fresh from a snowball fight, when who should we run into but the beautiful Lily Evans. I could hear James gasp softly as he stared, mesmerized, at the small figure bent over a pile of books by the fireplace. Her red hair twinkled in the light caused by the dancing flames, and I could not help but think that James had indeed chosen well. Lily really was one of the prettiest girls in the school, although, of course, not nearly as pretty as my current girlfriend,…wait, what’s her name again? That really hot Ravenclaw? Ah, never mind.
I could tell James was having a mental battle right about now- should he A) go over and ask Lily out (again), B) go over and snog Lily senseless, skipping the asking-out part, or C) find a chair not too close but not too far from her, and wait for her to make the first move. Lately James had been following mainly Option C, trying to give Lily her space. So far there had not been any dramatic effect, besides less communication with Lily, but unbeknownst to James, Remus and I occasionally caught Lily glancing in his direction, with a wistful look on her face.
James seemed to have made up his mind. He determinedly made his way over to Lily, and carefully sat down next to her on the couch, but not too close.
“Hey Lily,” he said, giving her a small smile.
Lily continued working on her homework, carefully forming each letter perfectly on her essay.
“Hey,” she answered finally, still not looking up.
James tried again. “How are you doing?”
“Ummm…” she mumbled. She was now flipping through the pages in a large book, forgetting or just not bothering to properly answer James’s question.
“Do you need any help?” James asked hopefully.
“Can you please leave me alone?” was the only reply.
“I’m sorry,” James whispered, his face falling. He started to get up.
I could not stand to see James hurt that way. She was just sitting there, oblivious to everything, and James looked as though his heart was being wrenched in two. So I butted in.
“Lily, how can you do this to him?” I demanded, “Can’t you see that he cares about you more than anything in the world? And you can’t even turn away from your homework for one minute to answer his question!”
“Padfoot, shut up,” James mumbled. “It’s no big deal.”
“No big deal?! Of course it’s a big deal! That nasty, cruel, heart-breaking, evil, meany-head--” so I was being a little immature, okay. But I was angry. I was angry with Lily for what she was doing to James, and I was angry with James for being so passive during this entire exchange. The James I used to know would not have taken this crap from anybody, not even a girl. He would have yelled and fought and kept at it till he succeeded. So yes, maybe I had gone a little too far by calling her an evil meany-head, but hey, at least it got her attention.
“A meany-head?” She finally looked up, indignant. “I am not a meany-head!”
“Why am I not good enough for you? What do I need to do to make you not hate me?” James was…not mad, really, more like pleading, with a hint of frustration in his voice.
“I will never go out with you, not if my life depended on it,” Lily answered, her voice dripping with pure spite.
“But why, Lily? How do you know that you hate me when you have never even given me a chance?” Now James was mad, shouting loud enough for the entire Common Room to hear.
At these words Lily stood up, red-faced, ready for a full-out fight.
“YOU ARE AN ARROGANT, BULLYING, TWO-TIMING, PIG-HEADED JERK, THAT’S WHY!” Even as she said these hateful words, Lily’s bottom lip began to tremble, and she looked as though she was blinking back tears.
“Fine,” said James disgustedly, “I give up. I am not going to deal with you anymore. Why should I force myself get hurt, over and over and over.” It was not a question, more of a statement, really.
“I’M NOT FINISHED!”
James stepped down from the stairway he had just started to climb to the boy’s dormitory and turned to face Lily.
“Let’s hear it. There’s nothing you could say that could make me feel worse.”
Lily did not answer. Instead, she ran at him. James stared at her, petrified, sure she was going to strike him. But instead, she threw her arms around his neck and sobbed into his shoulder. James, bewildered, awkwardly wrapped his arms around the crying girl and sort of patted her on the back.
“It’s because I love you.” Lily’s voice was muffled against James’s chest.
“Sorry, I didn’t catch that. What did you say?” James could hardly believe his ears.
Lily pulled away, and looking James directly in the eye, stated, “It’s because I love you. That’s why I’ve been so mean. I was scared, I didn’t know what to do. For as long as I can remember, you have followed me around like a lost puppy, constantly asking me out, and publicly declaring your undying love. I was sure at first that you were just doing it to humiliate me. But then… this past year or so, you started to stop bugging me so much, and….I dunno… it kind of…made me a little bit sad. Like the one person I thought would always pay attention to me, stopped caring. It was then that I realized that maybe you weren’t as awful as I thought you were. You…no longer disgusted me, you just seemed….sweet almost. But then I was confused, because I am supposed to hate you…aren’t I? I wasn’t sure how to act towards you, I wasn’t even sure about my own feelings. So I kept treating you the way I always have, like you were an arrogant, bullying piece of scum. But now I’m sure. I love you, James. I just hope I’m not too late…
James looked down at Lily. Her eyes were puffy and red, and her hair was messy and tangled. And yet, to him, she had never been more beautiful.
“I love you too.”
*end flashback*
I carefully slipped the picture from its frame, brushing away the splinters of broken glass. Gently I tucked it into a pocket in my cloak, not willing to leave that special memory in the rubble of the house. That day had been one of the happiest days of James’s life, almost as happy as his wedding day.
*flashback*
James wiggled anxiously in his place at the front of the church.
“Ah, Padfoot, I’m so nervous,” he whispered out of the corner of his mouth.
I had to stifle a laugh. He reminded me exactly of the eleven-year-old James, scared and tense, right before his Sorting at Hogwarts. The only difference was the look on his face”it was now a nervous smile, opposed to the nervous-and-slightly-nauseous-looking little frown he had worn so many years ago.
“You…you think she’s really going to marry me?”
“Of course she’s going to marry you! She BETTER marry you! If she doesn’t, then I won’t be a Best Man, and if I’m not a Best Man, then I won’t get to stand up here looking handsome, and all of Lily’s single friends who came will totally miss out!” Cheerfully, I winked at one of the bridesmaids who had just started walking down the aisle, and she blushed.
“Um…Padfoot, not the best thing to say to me minutes before I’m to be married.” James’s face was now taking on that nauseous look I oh-so fondly remembered. “And anyway, keep your voice down. We are at the front of a church filled with over two hundred people, for Merlin’s sake! You should”“
But I never found out what exactly I should do. James’s attention was immediately caught by a petite figure who had just entered the room.
Lily was dressed in a simple but elegant white dress. Her fiery red hair was pulled into soft curls atop her head, and one or two ringlets were framing her delicate face.
A grin crossed James’s face, and Lily, catching his eye, smiled back warmly as she approached him. A tear slipped down Lily’s cheek, but it was a tear of happiness, hope, and love.
*end flashback*
As I thought back to that day, I could not but become a little teary-eyed myself. These tears, however, were tears of frustration and grief, mourning that a love so pure, and people so good, and strong, and brave, could be destroyed by a hatred so evil.
Lily and James had loved each other so much. I could see it in their eyes every time they had looked at each other. And Harry, he was their pride and joy. It ripped my heart out knowing that such a young and innocent child had been murdered. Harry would never learn to read or write. He would never make friends, and never discover the mysteries of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He would never fall in love, and never have children of his own. He barely had a chance to live, and now his time was up. He was always such a happy child, rarely crying. I could remember clearly the day he was born, and the day I became a godfather.
*flashback*
“Hmmm…..roast potatoes or carrots?” I thought aloud as I tried to decide what I should make for dinner. It was always such a hassle to cook, especially for just oneself. I never minded the work if Lily and James, or Remus, or even Peter, were coming to visit, but it seemed silly to fix a big dinner if I were the only one to eat it. Nevertheless, I needed food, even if I was all by myself. Just as I settled on potatoes, a large tawny owl flew through my open window (I had left the window open in hopes of catching a breeze”it was very hot, being the end of July). Recognizing James’s owl, Hubert, I quickly untied the letter.
“The baby’s coming!” was the lone sentence, hastily scrawled on the parchment. The potatoes were left abandoned.
The hospital attendant led me to Lily’s room in the Maternity Ward, and taking a deep breath, I knocked.
The door immediately flew open, and I was greeted by an ecstatic James. I had never seen such a big smile on his face.
“I’m so glad you’re here! Remus is coming later! Peter’s in Italy! My son’s here though! Can you believe it? I have a son! And he has a little tuft of black hair! And perfect little ears! And his eyes, oh his eyes! They’re Lily’s eyes! But he’s got my nose! Oh wait till you see him!
“James, maybe you should move out of the doorway so that Sirius can come in.” I heard Lily call from the depths of the room, a hint of laughter in her voice.
“Oh right,” answered James, looking slightly embarrassed. “Come in, come in!”
Lily was sitting up in her bed, her hair tousled, and looking exhausted but happy. I let out a little gasp as I saw the small baby cradled in her arms. James walked over to the bed, and tenderly kissed first his wife, then his son, on the forehead.
“His name is Harry. Harry James Potter,” James told me, beaming. Then suddenly, his tone became serious, and his smile faded slightly, “And we would like you to be his godfather, to raise him, in case…in case anything ever happens to me or Lily.”
I nodded solemnly. These were dark times, and with Voldemort growing stronger everyday, you never knew if you would make it to tomorrow. I could tell James was worried. Over the past year, the light in his eyes had faded into shadows. And now, he had a small family to protect. I did not want to know what would become of James if something were to happen to Lily or Harry. Just as I began to think these thoughts were getting a little too somber for my liking, baby Harry gurgled. As he blinked his eyes, giving a small yawn, I could not help but smile. The silly grin James had worn only minutes before immediately returned to his face. Perhaps it would be Harry who would permanently put the sparkle back into James’s eyes. Perhaps this little baby boy could bring hope to all those who had lost it.
*end flashback*
I was still thinking about how happy James had been since Harry was born, when I could have sworn I heard a small cry coming from somewhere upstairs.
“No, you’re just imagining things,” I told myself forcefully. “They’re dead. They’re all dead.”
I couldn’t bring myself to look through any more of the rubble that filled my best friend’s house. As I turned to leave, I heard the same weak cry. It was almost like the mewing of a kitten, or maybe the whimper of a…
“Harry!” Whipping around, I hastily ran up the staircase, taking two steps at a time, jumping over a fallen lamp and a dilapidated chair.
“Harry, I’m coming!” I yelled. I knew I was going on false hope, but if there was even the slightest chance…
“Harry!” I cried again, gasping and clutching the stitch in my side, as I threw open the second door on the left.
“Harry.” I whispered. There he was, a small baby lying in his crib, the only piece of unbroken furniture in the entire house.
I reached out, and gently pulled Harry into my arms. He giggled, and grasped at my nose with one tiny hand.
Still in shock, I carried the child down the stairs, and once again, reached to open the door. I knew that I would be blamed for the Potters’ death, and that it would be difficult to be on the run with such a small child, but I had to keep my promise to James. I would do everything in my power to take care of this little boy.
Just as I was trying to figure out how I would hold Harry and drive my motorcycle at the same time, I heard the small pop of someone apparating. Immediately, I whipped out my wand at the intruder. But to my relief, I found that it was only Rubeus Hagrid.
“Hi there. Whatcha pointing yer wand at me fer?” I quickly lowered the wand, as he continued, “Anyway, still can’t believe this would happen ter Lily an’ James. It’s horrible, just horrible. I’m…I’m really sorry. I knew how close yeh were ter James ‘n Lily.”
I smile sadly, “At least we still have Harry.”
“Yep, he’s a pretty lucky little feller," Hagrid smiled sadly, the tears streaming down his cheeks barely noticable as they disappeared into his corse beard, "Dumbledore asked me ter bring him ter his aunt and uncle’s, thinks that’s what’s best fer ‘im.”
“No,” I protested, “I’m his godfather. I will raise him. That’s what Lily and James wanted.”
“I’m sorry,” Hagrid said softly, “But I’m under strict orders ter take ‘im straight to Dumbledore, before any please-men arrive here.”
For several long moments there was silence. “Okay,” I said at last, “And take my motorcycle. I won’t be needing it anymore. Just make sure he gets there safely.”
Gently I handed Harry over to Hagrid, feeling as though a part of my heart was being ripped out all over again. As Hagrid straddled my motorcycle, I cried out one last time.
“Hey Hagrid!” I called.
He looked up, “Yeh?”
I ran over to the bike, breathing hard.
“Could…could I just say ‘Goodbye’ to him, before…before you go?”
A small smile crossed Hagrid’s face. “Yeh,”
“Goodbye, Harry,” I said softly.
Looking into Harry’s green emerald eyes, and gently patting his unruly black hair, I knew that James and Lily lived on, inside of this tiny boy. Even though the Potters had moved on, no longer on this Earth, they still loved their only child. And even though I might very well never see Harry again, I would still love him always, as if he were my own. Nobody, not even Voldemort, could take that away.
Hagrid revved up my motorcycle. I watched until he and my godson were no more than a speck in the dark, dark sky.
“Goodbye.” I whispered into the night. It was more than just a goodbye to my godson, it was a goodbye to everything I had ever known, everything I had ever lived for. It was a goodbye to James, the best friend I had ever had. It was a goodbye to Lily, who I had grown to care about as if she were my own sister. It was a goodbye to Remus, who would believe I was a traitor. It was a goodbye to the Peter I had thought I could trust. But most of all, it was a goodbye to the old Sirius. The Sirius who could laugh and joke, who could smile and play. It was, in essence, a goodbye to hope.
Slowly, I turned my back to the destroyed house, and walked away into the darkness.
A Last Goodbye by crumple_horned_snorkack
Chapter Notes: Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone in the Potter universe.