"It's different," said Lupin, barely moving his lips and looking suddenly tense. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely-"
"But I don't care either, I don't care!" said Tonks, seizing the front of Lupin's robes and shaking them. "I've told you a million times..."
"And I've told you a million times," said Lupin, refusing to meet her eyes, staring at the floor, "that I am too old for you, too poor... too dangerous...."
~
With her chair facing the window and its back to everyone else in the hospital room, Nymphadora Tonks sat lifelessly. She'd stopped crying, and only a numbing pain, occupied her thoughts. She didn't think; she only felt. She was done thinking. If she started that again, she knew she'd hear Remus giving his usual three excuses again. She got it now. They were just excuses when the real reason was he didn't really love her. He was trying to spare her the pain, she knew, but it destroyed her.
She had been so foolish. How many times had he tried to lightly let her down? She never registered the meaning. Holding on pointlessly, she kept trying to get him to change his mind, but she had to. What was she without him? Obviously, she was a lifeless corpse sitting in a chair, too weary to move, with her back to the world, no more tears left to cry, and thoughts only for him.
In that moment, she accepted it. In that moment, she finally realized that Remus Lupin, the only man she could ever love, didn't want her, and he never would. He'd been slowly giving her that message for a year now. She was just too confident to believe it.
Now, all hope died.
~
Remus envied her position. She was resting near a window ignoring everyone else, while he kept an eye on Bill Weasley. As his eyes rested on the marred face of the young man, the memories of the night’s battle and results returned and shook this man’s countenance, for the second time that night. He gripped the end of the bed frame from where he was standing.
How many more people was he going to lose? Ever since he’d left Hogwarts, his life had steadily gotten worse. He’d lost everyone he cared about, including his parents who’d left without a word.
Dumbledore had looked after him more than his parents had. He’d gone out of his way to make sure Remus had a chance at this school, and when Remus had confessed a betrayal of trust three years ago, Dumbledore forgave him without a second thought. He was more trusting to a werewolf than any other experienced wizard of this day. He was even trusting to the man who eventually killed him.
Bill stirred, distracting Remus from ominous train of thoughts. Arthur and Molly had left the room to talk to their younger children, and Fleur was outside with Molly, whose shoulder was more than likely being used as a tissue this moment. So, it was Remus who went to the man’s side.
“Water,” a parched mouth choked.
Remus faithfully administered whatever liquid the nurse had prescribed to the temporary invalid. He sympathetically smiled, as he removed the glass from the now satisfied mouth. He knew exactly what it felt like to be in that bed. In fact, that exact bed had probably been his for many nights in his school days.
Tired, he sank into the bed across from Bill. His limbs relaxed as he put his pounding head into his hands. He’d suffered no lasting marks from the previous battle, thankfully. Unintentionally, he started worrying if someone else had too.
Ah, there she was. She always found a way to enter his mind, no matter what the circumstance. A day hadn’t passed in the last three months, in which he hadn’t thought of her. She was his first thought when he awoke, and his mind unwillingly went to her before sleep every night.
Tonks.
He was fighting a losing battle. It seemed his opponent had given up, but his conscience was still quarreling with him. He'd seen the hope in her eyes die at his words. He'd been slowly killing her, and now he'd finished the job. She was sitting alone without a reason to move. Her hero had died, and the man she loved had rejected her in front of everyone. She publicly and privately professed adamant love, and he kept his to himself, too scared to say anything.
And that was why Remus' conscience was inwardly debating with him. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. Behind him, Molly Weasley sighed.
"Remus, what are you doing?" she asked quietly.
Remus let his gaze wander from Nymphadora to Molly. "Do you need me to be doing something? Is Harry safe?"
Molly sat on the empty bed next to the former professor. "Yes, he's with McGonagall, but I want to know why you're not sitting next to her," Molly prodded while pointing at the subject of Remus' thoughts.
Remus sighed, "Not again, Molly. You've already gotten on me once tonight, and that's enough for one day. It's hard enough as it is."
Molly glared. "Hard enough? You've got it hard? What about her?" Remus flinched. He didn't need to be reminded. "Remus, I know you're trying to be self-less, but it's not coming out that way. I know you're afraid of hurting her or ruining whatever chances are rightfully hers, but can't you see what you're doing?"
"Molly, she'll get over it. After a long time, the pain will leave and she'll be left with-"
"Nothing. Can't you see? She's given it all to you."
And wasn't she right? Tonks was sitting alone; wouldn't she sit that way for the rest of her life? Her hair had lost its color; she would never get it back because of him. She barely had energy to move; there was no reason to now. A month ago, she'd told him she didn't want anyone else in her life. She was proving her point well.
"Remus, you've left her an empty shell, and you're just sitting there letting it happen. Wouldn't it better if you tried accepting her and her love? For a long time now, you've been trying to show us all that you don't want to be with her. Well, you've convinced her, apparently. Maybe she won't offer again. You're losing her even while you hold her heart."
The idea of spending the rest of his life without her left Remus more depressed than he'd been all night. He needed her more than he cared to admit, even to himself. Right now, it took all his will power to stay sitting. Molly was slowly convincing him, and he was beginning to forget his protestations.
"I think the worst part is you've convinced her that you don't care. She really thinks she's the only one losing from this whole thing. Can't you see she's beginning to believe all your excuses herself?”
“Molly, they’re not excuses,” Remus denied, while his conscience disagreed.
Molly rolled up her eyes and sleeves at the same time, as if preparing for battle. "Do you know how much an Auror makes? She can support both of you with room to spare. Why would she care if you're penniless? She knows the state you're in, and she still loves you. Isn't that enough?
“And, Remus, your excuse about your age, is only that. An excuse. Men typically are older than the women they love. Remus, you told me your own father’s ten years older than your mother. That’s only four years less than you and Tonks, and Ron told me that some of the kids are postulating about her state. They believe she was in love with Sirius, and is now mourning his death. They don’t find the age difference crazy, and Tonks was his cousin. Is it really hard to imagine yourself spending a life with a woman that young?
“What of her future? I know you think she should end up with a younger and healthier man, but what of her heart? Would it be fair to either of them when she still loved you? You’ll have stolen both of their future, and nothing happy came out of the bargain.”
“Molly, I-"
"What if you said yes? Just think about it for a second without feeling guilty. Imagine what she'd be like. Can't you see how happy she'd be? She'd finally be in your arms. She'd be joyful again. Her hair would be the brightest shade of pink you've ever seen. It would be the most blissful time of her life... because she'd be with you."
Remus' thoughts were swimming, and ever fiber of his being screamed to make the thought a reality. He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. He'd been training himself to say "no" for a long time now - too long to even think about changing.
"You say 'no' because you're afraid of hurting her," Molly observed as if reading his thoughts, "but can't you see that you've already done more damage than any thing else you could do? This," she pointed at Tonks, "is worse than any physical pain you could ever inflict. You're afraid of the guilty feeling you'd receive if you attacked her in werewolf form or if you left her penniless. How can you not feel guilty now? Don't you see that the mind is more important than the body? That the heart is more important than physical needs?"
His mind reeling, he searched for his lost excuses. What reasons had he to say no? Were there any left that Molly hadn't obliterated?
"Remus. Just go."
~
She idly wished the sky would release rain so it could cry in her stead. She felt it was wrong not to cry on a night when the magical world's greatest wizard had died. A few tears she had already shed, but they were not enough. She'd cried more when Remus had rejected her the first time. Maybe she was just getting used to heartbreak. Oh, what a terrible thought.
A man slowly walked to a place right behind her, but she didn't hear, trying to ignore everything at the moment. It wasn't until she felt a steady gaze on the back of her head did she turn around. When she saw her watcher, her stomach jolted, and thoughts flooded through the temporary walls she'd built for the night.
"What?" she spat.
She watched a struggle play across his face; he couldn't hide it. What was he thinking?
"May I sit next to you?"
"No."
She turned back to her window to watch the night sky, refusing to think of the man behind her and failing pathetically. Against her will, she heard him walk away and bring a chair back with him. The chair was placed next to hers, and she tensed.
She turned to glare, but she felt no hate to make the effect intimidating. "I said you couldn't sit there. Please, leave me alone," she added when her bitter act failed.
"I don't want to leave you," he said simply.
She sniffed and denied any feelings wanting to be tangibly visible. "Maybe, I want you to leave."
"I don't care."
"Merlin, Remus, will you, for once, let me get what I want?" Tonks exploded and slammed her hand on the arm of her chair. Her frustration with this man was reaching its limits. Her breathing came harder, and a tear escaped.
"All right. What do you want?"
When Tonks searched his eyes, she didn't find the guilt that usually accustomed the arrival of this topic. Why?
"I want you," she professed with her heart in those words.
He smiled sadly, "I know." She swallowed back another flood of tears, but two of them managed to escape. His thumb removed them, to the shock of Tonks. He had never willingly touched her unless he was helping her off the floor. With baited breath, she watched his fingers travel down her face to her lips, which he traced. When he pulled his hand away, it was shaking with suppressed emotions.
"I want you," he stated, mirroring her words.
Tonks' mouth fell promptly open. "What?" she gasped.
He repeated, "I want you. I need you. I love you."
She shook her head. His radical words wouldn't sink in. "But..." she began. "But you..."
"I know, and I'm sorry." He tried putting all he felt into those words, but some things needed to be said. "I'm sorry for refusing you. I'm sorry for not letting you make your own decisions. I'm sorry for not trusting how much you love me. I'm sorry for never telling you how I felt and letting you believe it was nothing."
She bit her lip, her eyes doubtful. This was so different from all she'd accepted this night.
"I love you. I promise."
To prove it, he kissed her slowly. He made every effort to convey how he felt through his touch, and that spark, that lively one which had been missing from her eyes for so long, returned and kindled the land into flame with its heat.