Shh, it’s okay, I’ll be just fine.
I awoke with a start as I heard these words inside my head once again. The same words that were meant to be so reassuring, but felt so haunting and unforgettable. I had been about asleep when I’d heard them this time. I had finally started to drift off, when suddenly I heard his voice again, the same whisper that had lingered in my thoughts ever since he’d spoken them not too long ago.
For a while now, I’d been a mess. The color gone from my face, my eyes dull and lifeless, my body frail and weak. Never letting a smile grace my lips or allow a laugh to lighten the air. But this was how everyone in my world lived these days. This was what life had become for me and so many others; nothing more than plain existence.
My world had turned completely upside down in the past year. Ever since Albus Dumbledore’s death, the wizarding world was in complete chaos. Hogwarts had been closed, and it was no longer safe to be anywhere in our world.
Everyone had reacted differently. Some were helpful and full of hope, trying to do anything to help win this war. Others fled, going to live as well as they could in the Muggle world. But most just lived in fear, dreaming of a day when everything would be alright again.
I had been doing what I could, going along with Harry and Ron, promising to stick by them until the end, helping in any way I could, and willing to risk everything. That was why I was here at this very moment.
Shh, it’s okay, I’ll be just fine.
From what I’ve been told, he saved my life. I can hardly remember what had happened that night when Harry, Ron, and I were visiting the Potters’ graves, and they’d shown up. I, apparently, had been dueling with Bellatrix when she’d hit me with the Cruciatus curse.
The Cruciatus curse was the only part I could remember. Pain searing inside me, something I had never experienced and could never forget. My high pitched screams and Bellatrix’s taunting laugh. I thought I was going to die, and, at that moment, I wouldn’t have cared if I had.
I was being tortured into insanity when he hit Bellatrix with a hex from behind. I was unconscious, but the Aurors, Harry, and Ron had managed to stop the Death Eaters.
I woke up here at St. Mungo’s, aching all over and not remembering much of what had happened. Most of my memory was gone. I’d even forgotten the simplest spells. I was told I was lucky. I could have died or lost my mind completely. And I was lucky in many ways, but so unfortunate at the same time.
I was no use to Harry and Ron as they went on to defeat Voldemort. I was too weak and fragile, and after losing my memory and not even knowing most basic magic, I was basically no help to anyone. They didn’t say this, of course, but we all knew it was true. They went on to fight, while I remained behind with nothing but my thoughts, my fading hope for the wizarding world, and those chilling words in my mind.
Shh, it’s okay, I’ll be just fine.
These words tormented me in so many ways.
They meant what I had feared. Being left behind, unable to do anything but worry about and wonder about what was going on, while I was reassured that everything was going to be fine. I was never one to let things go or mind my own business. I needed to be doing something, helping someone, or at least know what was happening. Staying in the closed ward with all the other unfortunate, helpless witches and wizards was killing me. Something had happened to each and every one of us that had put our plans, futures, and ways of living to an end.
The more I thought about it, the more it got to me. My thoughts had become a dangerous thing. My mind had become my worst enemy. I felt trapped and hopeless. Even if we did come out of this war in triumph, I’d never be the same. I could never take back what had happened, what was lost, and what we hadn’t seen coming yet.
The worst part was, I had no idea what tragedies were about to come. I’d lost so much, but I was about to lose so much more. Not only me, but everyone in our world. I used to think being magical was the greatest gift anyone could have. Now I sometimes wished I’d never heard of any of it. In some ways, it had let me down and disappointed me. Even at a young age, I’d always expected a bright future for myself; I was ambitious and knew what I’d wanted. Getting the letter was the key to a new world, a new future, a new life. An opportunity to pursue greatness in a world many could only dream about. I’d given up almost everything to explore it and embrace it, only to now be let down by all the misery, despair, and loss it had caused.
Shh, it’s okay, I’ll be just fine.
I won’t say there weren’t days when I did trust and have faith for the future. I won’t tell you there was never I time I did believe in these words; I wasn’t the kind of person to abandon hope at the first sign of trouble. I’d been through too much in my young life to be that way. There were times when I felt strong and the words seemed to comfort me. These days were rare, but occasionally they came around. They made me stronger, healthier, and they had kept me alive.
I’d try to hang on to this feeling, never wanting to let it go. I still wanted to be optimistic and brave. I promised myself I’d stay strong, determined, focused. I’d make it through with this attitude, never doubting again.
Unfortunately, the feeling always seemed to fade, leaving me to wonder why I couldn’t ever hold onto it. I’d hear about another attack or another death, and the hope burning inside me would start to fade until there was nothing left.
Shh, it’s okay, I’ll be just fine.
Looking back, I can still remember everything about the day he’d spoken these words to me. I can remember the soft but steady rain pouring softly outside the window by my bed in St. Mungo’s. I can remember how the rain seemed to reflect the mood perfectly. I remember our last moments together; the forced hope and the awkward atmosphere, so far from the way we used to act towards each other. Trying to hide the despondency and replace it with fake optimism and cheerfulness.
And when I knew he had to go, feeling those tears I’d tried to ignore and hold in for so long. Finally breaking down and crying after not just months, but years of being strong and keeping them to myself. He just hugged me tightly for a few moments, stroking my hair, whispering to me. That’s when I heard his voice for the last time. The chilling last words that I could never let go of.
Shh, it’s okay, I’ll be just fine.
He’d lied to me. He’d tried to tell me something that we both knew wasn’t true. He was never going to be the same; none of us were. We both had wanted to believe it more than anything, to know his fate wasn’t as tragic as it actually was, and that he was going to make it through this. But we were only lying to ourselves, and never truly believing.
Before he left he kissed me one last time. It was a soft kiss, tears still flowing from my eyes, the sound of the rain against the window. Then he slowly walked away, not looking back, ready to face his future. I watched until he was out of sight, knowing it could be the last time I ever saw him.
When I’d heard the news of his death, I heard the chilling last words inside my head. I felt like he’d left me with only those words as a memory, even though we’d been through so much together. I couldn’t sleep or talk or do anything but think of those words. They had haunted me, taken over me. I tried to think back to the good moments, but my mind was blank. I knew they were there…I just couldn’t find them.
He left not only me, but so many others all alone, having to fend for themselves without someone by their side. But in the time he was here, he’d done so much for everyone through this tragic stage in the wizarding world. He’d always be remembered for his loyalty and nobility. If I could say one thing to him now, I would say thanks. Thanks for saving me, thanks for being there for me, thanks for staying strong and brave when so many others couldn’t.
Ron will never truly leave me. He’ll always be in my mind. His words, his voice, his love.
Shh, it’s okay, I’ll be just fine.