The Hardest Part
I knew it was coming.
Call it feminine intuition.
But knowing didn’t make it any easier.
To be honest, I would have been surprised if it hadn’t happened, as Harry is reliably predictable, everyone knows that, especially Tom.
His words from that day are still echoing in my head weeks after. “It feels like someone else’s life,” he said. He was so right about that; it did feel like someone else life.
It was wonderful.
I felt so special, so complete. I felt I was where I was meant to be, in his arms and at his side.
But that was then, and this is now.
He ended our relationship because of some chivalrous, gallant need to protect me, choosing to distance himself from me to save me from harm.
I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but to knock a man when he was as down as that would have been cruel.
He may have split up with me, but I know deep down he really hasn’t. His words don’t make it final. I can still feel his love; he can’t hide his true feelings from me.
I know why he did it, why he thinks that I am safer, but he’s wrong. Why is it that he doesn’t seem able or willing to see the bigger picture? It’s so frustrating.
I am not…was not… just Harry Potter’s girlfriend. I am also a blood traitor, from a family of blood traitors, so his apparent nobility gives me no more protection, of that I am sure. We would be first on Tom’s hit list regardless of my relationship with Harry.
But Harry can see no further than his own involvement, his own connections to people and things. He is too quick to blame himself for the terrible things that have happened; he feels the need to shoulder too much responsibility. He thinks that by not going to school, by not being with me that he is in some way giving protection, but he is wrong, so very wrong. This war is bigger than he is, it goes deeper than a personal vendetta; it’s about things beyond his control. This war is one man’s obsession with power, control, and domination, not a need to kill Harry Potter. That is just one of the tasks he has chosen to fulfil. I know that he is some sort of focal point for Tom, a goal and symbol for his group of followers, but even they can not see that once Harry is destroyed the war will go on, it won’t end with Harry’s death.
I am very much aware that I am still in danger even though I am no longer officially Harry Potter’s girlfriend, but in heart, I still feel I am his girlfriend. Our feelings are too strong to just end in a conversation.
One of the hardest parts is letting him think that I understand and accept his decision when it is clear that I understand a lot more than he does and that I really don’t agree with his choices. I will do as he wants though, go along with his plan because I respect him, I love him, and I know that if I crack, he will crack and that can’t happen. That’s how strong and deep our connection is, he can’t ever deny that.
Each day I question where I find the strength to stay composed, and the truth is that I don’t know, but I refuse to be pessimistic about us. I have to have the hope that after all is done, after he had defeated Tom, he will come back to me.
I watch him sitting alone, sipping from a goblet, lost in thought as the rest of the family celebrates the wedding of my oldest brother. It’s hard to watch him like this. He seems so lost. Almost everything and everyone he held in esteem is gone, and the isolation and loneliness he feels is almost visible.
People have tried to talk to him, Mum, Dad, Bill, and even the twins, but the one who has spent the most time with him has been Professor Lupin. He seems to have a unique appreciation for what Harry is going through, but even that is not making much difference. Harry’s determination to do the “right” thing is still strong. The Professor has Tonks to worry about, just as Harry has me, explaining that he has decided that having Tonks with him gives him strength, gives him hope and gives him something to fight for.
Ron and Hermione have come to the same conclusion, denying their feelings for one another is no longer an option for them, they are stronger together. It has been nice to see them finally accept the obvious, and for me it has been inspiring to see the strength they give each other, but that happiness is tinged with sadness and jealousy. I had hoped that Harry seeing these relationships, feeling the intensity and power of love would make him see that we could and should be together, but he has not. He still believes that he would be a curse to my family and me.
He smiles at me, a sad, hollow, apologetic smile that is painful to see.
I miss the real smile, the real joy we both had had during our short time together. I find myself worrying that he will never have an opportunity to feel like that again.
I remember our first kiss on that glorious afternoon.
I can still taste it. I can still feel it.
When I close my eyes, I can feel his soft lips on mine, and I draw comfort from that memory. I have found myself wondering if he too remembers it, if he too clings to the comfort and joy of those precious times. I remember feeling complete, feeling whole for the first time in my life, and I want that feeling again. I know he felt the same, he told me so.
But the hardest thing, the one thing that hurts the most is that he broke my heart. With all the things he thought about, all things he considered, the one thing he overlooked was me. He was so worried about saving me he forgot that he was breaking me.
That is the hardest part.
The Hardest Part by gillyweasley
Chapter Notes: I am not a huge Ginny fan, but I really did felt for her at the end of HPB. So, in honor of her I wrote this.