2. A Potion and a Promise
The clock on the mantel chimed, startling Tonks, who dropped the book she'd been trying to make herself read. Seven o'clock! He'll be here any minute.
She gave up pretending to wait patiently and put the book away. Pacing around her small cluttered kitchen, she kept glancing at a tightly covered cauldron that sat on the counter. Finally, unable to resist, she went over and pried off the lid, wrinkling her nose at the unpleasant odour that wafted out. At least the potion was perfect – "as it ruddy well ought to be," she muttered, "since I've spent three weeks learning how to brew it." But that didn't solve her new problem: how to tell Remus Lupin what she'd done. Will he be offended? Embarrassed? This is awfully personal territory I'm treading on. He was opening up to her more and more these days, but their new closeness was still a little fragile sometimes.
The sound of a soft knock made her jump again and quickly snap the cover back onto the cauldron. The door opened and Lupin appeared, beaming from behind a large paper sack that smelled tantalizingly of curry. "I know I said I'd come over and make supper tonight, but here's some take-away instead! It's from that little place you like, near the Ministry."
He looked so pleased with his surprise treat that Tonks didn't have the heart to protest. Her concern must have shown on her face, though, because he gave her a slightly sheepish grin. "It's all right. I've just finished a research assignment for the Wizengamot, and I got paid for it today. So I can afford a little celebration, for once." He put the sack down on the table and started lifting out steaming cartons of curry and rice. "It smelled so good all the way over here. Let's eat!"
"Er – actually – can I have a word with you about something first?" Her voice wasn't entirely steady.
"Of course." Lupin turned, giving her his full attention. "What is it?"
Tonks cleared her throat and tried again. She would have preferred to put this conversation off a bit longer, especially since he was in such a lighthearted mood, but the potion had to be taken on an empty stomach. Go on, get it over with. "I – oh, bother – there's something I need to tell you, but I'm not sure how to put it."
The flicker of panic in his eyes was gone in an instant. If she hadn't been looking right at him, she would have missed it. Then his expression went completely neutral, perfectly calm, revealing nothing. His defences were back up – those walls of self-protection that she'd worked so hard to break through.
Her insides froze when she realized what he thought she was trying to say.
"Hold on a minute." She grabbed him by the shoulders and kissed him very deliberately. After a few seconds, his stiff posture relaxed a little and he returned the kiss thoroughly, if unsteadily. When they finally came up for air, Tonks gave him a gentle shake. "Will you stop expecting the worst all the time? I am not trying to give you the heave-ho. I'm just embarrassed, all right? There's something I've done – and I probably should've asked you, but I really couldn't – and I had to do it –" She trailed off, realizing that she wasn't making sense.
His eyes met hers, a bit uncertainly, but the walls were gone. He nodded and waited for her to go on.
"Come on, let's sit down," Tonks said with a small sigh. They settled into their usual places at the little round table.
"I know how important privacy is to you," she began yet again. He started to protest, but she put her hand over his where it rested on the bright red tablecloth. "No, it is, and you've let me into your life all the same. I would hate to violate that trust by intruding, by getting involved in...things...that you'd rather keep to yourself." She swallowed, and flushed almost as pink as her hair. "But what I hate even more is thinking about all you have to go through, and not being able to do anything to help."
Now Lupin was slightly pink too. "You do help," he said. "It helps a lot, spending time with you, knowing that you're looking out for me."
Tonks shook her head. "That's not enough." She squared her shoulders. "You know I've been up to Hogwarts a few times recently. I let you think it was for Auror duty, but it wasn't – I've been meeting with Slughorn. I didn't want to tell you, though, not until I was sure it would work."
His face showed dawning comprehension, so she plunged hurriedly on. "I hope you don't mind too much that I went ahead and did this without asking you first, but Slughorn's taught me how to brew Wolfsbane, and I've made enough for you to take every night this week. If you want to, I mean."
He had gone pale, and he was gripping her hand very tightly. "You've made Wolfsbane? For me?"
She nodded and smiled tentatively. She couldn't quite read his expression, but at least he didn't seem to be offended.
"It's supposed to be difficult to brew." His voice was low, and a little hoarse.
"A bit, yes. Slughorn went over all the steps with me first, and we made a couple of practice batches together. Then I made this batch by myself, but he watched everything I did and he assures me it's all right."
"Your potions skills are clearly far beyond mine." Lupin, smiling now, squeezed her hand gently and leaned over to give her a quick kiss. "Please believe me when I tell you how much I appreciate all the effort you've put into this." He sighed, and the smile faded. "The problem is, when you go off Wolfsbane, there's a sort of withdrawal effect – the next couple of months are actually more difficult than usual. So even though it would help me this month, I'd probably better not take it, or I'll be worse off next time."
Tonks frowned at him. "I'm not just talking about this month. I'll brew it every month. Slughorn says he's willing to supervise until I can do it safely on my own."
"Every month...?" There was still something in his expression that she couldn't interpret. He shook his head slowly, regretfully. "That just isn't possible."
"Why not?"
Lupin suddenly looked very tired. "It's too expensive. There's no way I can afford the ingredients every month. You know I've got to be careful – you didn't even like my buying the take-away curry tonight."
"Remus, don't be an idiot!" She suppressed the urge to shake him again. "I'll be the one buying any potion ingredients."
"No, you most certainly will not. You don't need to be wasting your hard-earned salary on me. I'm used to the transformations, after all. I've been managing for years." His jaw was set, his shoulders tense.
"Wasting my –?" Tonks stopped and made herself soften her tone. "Honestly, what could possibly be a better use of my so-called hard-earned salary, than helping the man I love to have a little less to endure?" Her voice rose again. "Do you think I'd rather be off buying imported cognac, or a fancy racing broom? For heaven's sake!"
Lupin sat motionless, staring off into the distance, and said nothing. Tonks watched him, trying to understand. There was more going on here than she had expected. His face was still pale and drawn, and his eyes were troubled. His fists were clenched so tightly that the knuckles were white. The only other time she had seen him look like this – yes, of course – was the night that Dumbledore was killed, when she had dragged Lupin into an unused classroom near the hospital wing and hounded him until he admitted that a relationship might work out for them after all. That night, he had been torn between wanting something very, very much and believing that he didn't deserve to have it.
Ah.
"Wolfsbane makes a big difference, doesn't it," she prodded carefully. She knew the answer, from the research she had done, but she wanted him to tell her himself.
Lupin hesitated, but then he nodded abruptly and buried his face in his hands. Tonks put an arm around his shoulders and leaned her head against his.
"I can't even begin to describe what it's like," he said, very quietly. "Sitting alone, waiting for moonrise, knowing that a monster is coming to take over my mind." He shuddered, and she gave him a sympathetic squeeze. "Knowing that it will seize any chance it can to use me to hurt people, or contaminate them, or even kill them. Knowing that there's not a single thing I can do about it except lock myself up and wait for morning." He raised his head to look at her, his eyes haunted by the memories of a lifetime of full moons. "Wolfsbane makes the transformation less painful, and of course it prevents the rage-induced injuries, but what really matters is that it lets me keep my self."
"Well then, that settles it, don't you think?" said Tonks, her voice uncharacteristically gentle and a bit shaky again. She went over to the counter, pulled the cover off the cauldron, and measured some of its contents into a small earthenware goblet. Holding the goblet carefully in both hands, she carried it slowly across to the table, watching her feet (don't trip...don't trip...). She set it in front of Lupin and sat back down next to him.
Lupin stared at the goblet and then slowly turned to look at her. His eyes now held a sort of hesitant wonder. "Are you sure you want to do this? Every month?"
Tonks had recovered by then, enough at least to raise an eyebrow and produce a weak but cheeky grin. She swatted him lightly on the arm. "As I believe I've already told you, yes. Every month. Now will you stop wasting time? There's a marvellous curry waiting for us! Go on, take your potion so we can eat."
The corners of his mouth twitched a little then, in response to her teasing, but something also changed behind his eyes. She watched the last of the uncertainty disappear, to be replaced by something new: absolute trust.
Lupin raised the goblet in a silent toast and swallowed the dose all at once. He grimaced at the taste, but then he gave her a smile that lit up his whole face – a smile that made her catch her breath, and grin for all she was worth.