It was a normal evening on September the first, the beginning of the new school year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. All the students were getting off the Hogwarts Express and making their way to one of the carriages that would take them to school.
Not surprisingly, Neville was looking around frantically for Trevor the toad.
“Blimey!” he cried. “I don’t know what happened!”
“I’m sorry, mate,” said Harry, following Ron and Hermione to a carriage. “Listen, we’ll keep an eye out for---“
Squish. Harry looked down and saw, to his horror, that he had stepped on Trevor the toad.
“Oh my God!” Neville exclaimed. “You killed Trevor! You bastard!”
Ron turned around and spied one of Trevor’s legs on the ground. “Mmm... Have any of you ever had frog legs? They’re to die for,” he said, picking it up and popping it in his mouth.
“Is eating all you’re interested in, Ron?” Harry asked, exasperated.
“Well, eating and pining for ‘Mione,” he said, a dreamy look forming on his face as he stared at their best friend.
Hermione, noticing that both boys were still outside, poked her head out of the carriage. “Ron! Get in!” she said bossily. Then, squinting slightly at Harry, she asked, “Harry? Is that you?”
“Of course, ‘Mione!” he answered, walking to the carriage.
“Oh, I couldn’t tell. It’s just... your hair is so long, Harry. Why do you insist on having it cover your half your face all the time? I can barely recognize you!”
“That’s the point!” Harry told her, stepping into the carriage just as it took off. “I don’t want people to stare at me.”
She sighed exasperatedly. “Of course. I forgot.”
For the rest of the journey, both boys stared at Hermione in silence. Ron, whose mouth was hanging slightly open, was even drooling a little (though he may have been thinking of food).
Anyway, Hermione had certainly changed over the summer. She no longer wore her usual drab clothing, which consisted of baggy, pilling sweaters and trousers that were various shades of tan or gray. No, now her wardrobe included a variety of extremely low-cut, tight shirts and mini skirts, which showed off her many curves. And her usually bushy hair was now blonde and straight, its sleek strands hanging loosely around her shoulders. These days, she was never without her freshly manicured fingernails, stiletto heels, and vibrant red lipstick.
But even once school started, everyone knew that it was still the same old Hermione “ the brain transplant had been successful, giving her the body of a hooker she herself handpicked from downtown, but still allowing her to retain her quick wit and vast knowledge. This combination attracted all boys, both stupid and intelligent. Of course, her extremely outgoing and flirtatious manner also contributed to her newfound popularity. The wise words of her professor over the summer at the School of Exotic Dancing and Proper Whorishness were never far from her mind.
It also helped that all the rest of the girls at Hogwarts had recently suffered tragic accidents, permanently scarring their faces. Lavender Brown, a girl who used to be popular with the boys, had run into a wall, smashing her once beautiful face almost beyond recognition. Needless to say, all the ugly girls had been forgotten, and every single boy in the school had suddenly focused their efforts solely on the beautiful angel that had descended upon them all this year “ Hermione Granger.
Harry and Ron, who had noticed the change at once, had fallen madly in love with their best friend. They had even begun to compete with one another to see who could get Hermione to go out with them first.
On one particular morning, they were both racing each other through the Great Hall, trying to be the first one to wish Hermione good morning.
Harry and Ron hurried down the hall, sweeping past the tables as quickly as they could. Harry glanced to his right and saw that Ron was in the lead. He was almost to Hermione, and Harry was about to give up (he lost everything he loved anyway, why even bother?) when Ron suddenly noticed a large bowl of pudding and some cake on a nearby table.
“Oooo!” he exclaimed, skidding to a halt, apparently forgetting all about Hermione after being presented with food, which would always be his main concern. Ron started to walk towards the desserts when he tripped over his enormous feet, which resembled large skis.
Harry seized this opportunity to approach Hermione. He hurried up to her, disregarding the group of boys the already surrounded her.
“Goomornowareoo?,” Harry blurted, then slapped his forehead in dismay. Why did this always happen to him? Every time he was around a pretty girl, he became completely incapable of speaking normally.
“I meeeaaan, gooood mooorniiing. Hooooow aaaare yooouuu?” he repeated, much slower this time.
Hermione smiled, revealing her perfectly white and even teeth. She led him away from her admirers so that they could have some privacy, but turned the corner too sharply, forcing Harry to run into the wall. When she looked up at Harry she exclaimed, “Oh no, Harry! Your glasses are broken!”
Indeed, his bifocals were completely busted. Shards of glass had sprinkled down the front of his robes and his glasses were hanging limply off of his ear.
“Really?” he asked her, amazed. He had not noticed the difference. Her beauty was so radiant, so captivating, that he didn’t even need glasses to notice...
Hermione sighed, taking pity on him. Then she took his glasses and repaired them easily. “Here you go,” she said, handing them back to him.
“WHAT, I’M TOO STUPID TO FIX MY OWN GLASSES??” Harry bellowed suddenly, making Hermione jump with fright and drop his glasses on the ground. They shattered, yet again.
“I’m sorry, Harry, I just wanted to help---“
“I CAN HELP MYSELF, THANKS!!!” Harry screamed, and he bent down to pick up his glasses. “WATCH! Re- repar- repor- repiro- SON OF A BITCH! I CAN’T REMEMBER THE FRICKIN’ SPELL!”
“It’s Reparo, Harry, you were close!” Hermione squeaked reassuringly.
“I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP! I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF! IT’S ALL UP TO ME ANYWAY, ISN’T IT?! I’M THE ONE WHO KEEPS ESCAPING VOLDEMORT-“ (several people collapsed suddenly at the sound of You-Know-Who’s name and began bleeding from their ears)- “AND I’M THE ONE WHO HAS TO KILL HIM! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!”
“Harry!” Hermione squealed. “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
At her words, Harry began laughing maniacally and pacing back and forth. “Overreacting... OVERREACTING?! I’ve been UNDER reacting for SEVENTEEN YEARS! Don’t you think it’s TIME that I started OVERREACTING?!?”
And he stormed off, leaving a bewildered Hermione standing alone in the hall. But not for long “ Ron, his mouth full of food, ran up to her when he saw an opportunity to finally speak to the love of his life.
“Adfkalek jmvaldfn jhgoaaw oianf,” he said eagerly. “Sdfjier dfjwheiie dfjereoin fsdlei!!!”
“Er... I’m sorry, Ron, I couldn’t understand you!” Hermione said. “Maybe if you swallowed...” She paused, and then laughed. “Actually, you sounded quite like Viktor just then! It was really quite uncanny!”
But Ron was far from laughing himself. At the mention of Viktor Krum, his face turned ashen. His eyes became bloodshot and gleamed menacingly in Hermione’s direction. “What did you say?” Ron asked in a strangled whisper. His eye twitched a few times.
Noticing this, Hermione wondered aloud, “Why, Ron? Are you... jealous?” She looked slightly hopeful.
Ron’s expression changed from deranged to angry. “No, of course not, you stupid whore,” he told her. “I hate you and your ugly face!” But in his mind, he was thinking only of her amazing beauty, and wondering what it would feel like to finally be with her. Why, oh why, was it that whenever he spoke to Hermione about his feelings he could only insult her? His mother called it stupidity, but Ron knew that he was cursed, and the culprit could only be... Viktor Krum...
Not only did Krum’s existence cause famine, global warming, and kittens all over the world to explode, but he was the reason why Ron could never confess his true feelings to Hermione.
But Hermione never even heard Ron’s insult this time, for she had suddenly become very distracted. At that moment, the hottest boy she had ever seen had just entered the Great Hall. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion as she watched the extremely handsome young man walk to his table for breakfast. His blond hair was falling into his gray, orb-like eyes, and his face was so pale yet his lips so very red that at that moment, all Hermione wanted to do was kiss them.
It was Draco Malfoy, the one person she had been in love with for so long but had never told anyone about. He had dated every girl in the entire school except for her (he was apparently quite the “sex god”), and now was her chance to finally make her move. Hermione began walking towards him, completely forgetting about Ron, who looked confusedly at her when she ignored him but shrugged seconds later and began devouring some eggs and toast.
Girls were already running to Draco, begging him to be the father of their children, but Hermione swept past all of them, keeping her eyes on Draco’s sexy physique. Sensing her presence, Draco turned suddenly and saw the new and improved Hermione.
“’Mione,” he said throatily.
“Malfoy,” she whispered.
“I-was-a-Death-Eater-last-year-but-I-decided-that-I-didn’t-want-to-do-what-my-parents-wanted-anymore-and-I-got-away-from-my-apathetic-mother-and-abusive-father-and-I-joined-the-Order-and-have-always-loved-you-but-have-been-afraid-to-tell-you-because-I-was-trying-to-be-the-son-my-father-wanted-but-now-it-doesn’t-matter,” he said, all in one breath.
“I’ve always known! I love you,” Hermione confessed.
Just then, Professor Dumbledore made an important announcement from the staff table where he was sitting. “Congratulations to the new Head Boy and Girl!” he exclaimed. “Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy!”
Both students beamed with pleasure as the school clapped energetically for them.
“You two,” continued Dumbledore, “get special privileges now! In fact, you get your own room. It’s actually in Hogsmeade, and I believe the name is ‘Lover’s Suite’. Unfortunately, I could only get one bed for both of you, but no matter! What a great chance for you to get to know each other. I trust you, after all. Two hormonal teenagers sharing the same room hardly worries me! I have complete confidence that you won’t give into the temptations of sleeping next to someone of the opposite sex who just so happens to be one of the best-looking people in the school!”
Once the Headmaster’s speech had ended, Hermione and Draco ran out of the Castle together to their new room. And most everybody could guess what they had been doing when they showed up looking flustered and disheveled that afternoon! Oh, young love...
But there were other things happening at school that became a concern for the students at Hogwarts. First of all, their new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Hannibal, was really quite odd. When he wasn’t convulsing sporadically in the middle of his lessons, he was busy stalking people, a large dagger in his hand and held high in the air as he waited for the right moment to plunge the knife into his victim. But Professor Hannibal’s murder attempts were, thankfully, always thwarted by various teachers, causing him to run away laughing maniacally and plotting the terrible fate of his next victim.
“If only we knew what Dumbledore sees in him,” said Harry one day, watching Professor Hannibal suspiciously as he pulled a small container out of his pocket and dropped what looked horribly like human flesh into his vegetable soup.
“Yeah,” said Ron, his mouth full of food (as usual), “I mean, he’s obviously not all right in the head. I bet he’s sent by the Minister to collect as many students as he can so that he can make a secret potion to vanquish the Dark Lord!”
Hermione and Harry looked at Ron scornfully.
“No, no, Ron,” said Harry gently. “That’s a bit too far-fetched. You and your crazy theories...” he added with a laugh.
Hermione chuckled appreciatively. “Oh dear, if only he was as bright as us!” she exclaimed as she re-applied her lipstick.
“You know what they say,” said Harry. “Dumbledore may just be losing his touch...”
Just then, the headmaster himself came into the hall. Or should I say, “wheeled” in. In a fierce battle against a pygmy puff that summer, Dumbledore had fought valiantly but lost his legs in the defeat of the evil ball of fluff. Since then he had been confined to a wheelchair that he insisted on steering himself, though the loss of most of his eyesight now made him likely to run into---
BANG
“Whoops, there I go again!” Dumbledore said brightly, backing up in his wheelchair from the wall so that he could try to go around the corner again.
A few students rushed over in alarm, but he merely smiled. “It’s no matter! I’m only sticking around to see little Harry here defeat Voldemort!” he said, pointing and squinting at a suit of armor which, Harry presumed, the headmaster thought to be himself.
But at the sound of Voldemort’s name, several people dropped to the ground, either in deep comas or dead. Dumbledore leaned over and examined their bodies.
“Oh dear! I really need to remember not to say ‘Voldemort’ anymore!” A few students who were passing by collapsed, writhing around in agony and frantically crawling away from the headmaster. “Sorry!” said Dumbledore happily, and wheeled away, accidentally rolling over a student.
Hermione sighed, her face shining with admiration. “You know, guys, if Dumbledore trusts him, we should too,” she said.
The boys nodded in agreement as Professor Hannibal hurried past the Gryffindor table covered in blood.
Yet another growing concern at the school was Hagrid the half-giant, who was really getting to be out of control. In less than one week he had sent ten people to the Hospital Wing, completely paralyzing two of them.
Harry decided to take it upon himself to speak to his friend one day during a Care of Magical Creatures class. But as soon as he voiced his concerns, Hagrid laughed and thumped him on the back, which sent him flying through the air into the Forbidden Forest. The others watched in horror as Hagrid merely shrugged. “Oh, he’ll find his way back eventually!” he said airily, waving his hand carelessly and knocking a few students out cold. “I’m sure my good friend Bob, the rabid squirrel who’s the size of a horse, will help Harry find his way back to school!” And Hagrid walked away, unaware that he had stepped on a small family of bunnies on the way to his hut.
But Harry, who was wandering aimlessly in the Forbidden Forest, did not encounter Bob the Squirrel. Instead he found, to his horror, Lord Voldemort. Harry’s scar seared with pain as he faced his enemy.
This was it, the final battle against Voldemort. Harry lifted his wand, concentrating solely on the red eyes in front of him. Voldemort drew closer, and Harry waited to attack. Then, suddenly, Voldemort screamed, “Avada Kedavra!”
Harry had no time to react - Voldemort was too quick and Harry was only seventeen, how could he possibly win?? But just then, a flock of flamingos popped out of the ground and ran in front of Harry. They formed a wall and blocked the spell before it even hit him. He was saved! What luck!
Enraged, Voldemort ran at Harry with his arms outstretched. He had almost gotten close enough to wrap his long, pale fingers around Harry’s throat when he tripped on his robes. With a strangled cry, Voldemort flew forward. Harry calmly stepped sideways, allowing Voldemort to crash into a large tree. He fell to the ground in a crumpled heap. Harry walked forward to see if he was alive when a grand piano fell from the sky, crushing Voldemort’s body. All that was visible was Voldemort’s feet, which were poking out from under the piano.
As Harry stared at what was left of his mortal enemy, little house elves crawled out of bushes nearby, chanting “Ding, dong! You-Know-Who is dead!”
And they all lived happily ever after.
In A Nutshell by hearyoume
Chapter Notes: This is what happens when you suddenly become inundated with ideas for a humor fic one day :P It didn’t take me long to write, although it did take some time to convince my mom that the laughter coming from me room (yes, I admit it “ I laugh at my own jokes) was nothing to be worried about. Hopefully this isn’t horrible, although it may be because this is my first attempt at a humor fic!
I’d also like to add that I do not hate Harry Potter, lol. The stupid pictures I chose for the banner along with the jokes I make in this fic do not in any way mean that I am making fun of Harry Potter itself. I think most people know that, but just in case! D:
Anyway, I’m either dreadful at this or I have a gift that I’m unaware of “ let me know which one it is in a review :]