Why am I doing this, wondered Lily Evans. Why do I constantly and consistently allow him to get to me so?
Some part of her knew, some part that only was acknowledged when Lily was too distracted to realize that she wasn’t actually sleeping any more, she had woken up and that those kisses being trailed along her jaw weren’t a dream, but actually were being given to her by James Potter in real life. Then when she realized that she was awake, she had to pretend that she hated him, that she didn’t want to feel his lips along her jaw line every morning that she woke up. Then she went on to yell at him for being in her dorm in ever-increasing decibels, and that tiny part of her that continued on speaking timidly but insistently when she wasn’t quite yet asleep was silenced again.
And so the cycle went, on and on, day after day, month after month. Lily shouted, pushed away the only man she really wanted, though she did not know it, James played pranks and asked her out every day, and she felt like she was caught in an endless holding pattern that she couldn’t get out of.
All that she knew was that she wanted it to end. God only knew how she was going to end it, but she would. Even if it took murdering Potter and Black. She couldn’t go on otherwise.
So Lily Evans picked herself up off of her bed where she had flung herself prostrate only moments before, and determinedly walked down the staircase leading from her dorm room to the Gryffindor common room.
And came face to face with said aggravating boy.
“Ah,” she said. Because really, what else was there to say?
“Look- just don’t say anything, Lily, I know you don’t want me and I suppose that you aren’t going to change your mind anytime in the near future, though I know you will eventually just because no one can hold out that long, but that’s not what I wanted to say so will you-“
“James Potter. Will you shut your babbling for one instant so I can say something?”
James had never closed his mouth faster in his life.
“Thank you. Now. What I wanted to say was…”
Lily trailed off as she looked at him. She could see why all the girls wanted to go out with him, really. He really was fairly good looking, from a purely objective point of view, of course. He had dark brown eyes that glowed with…something, and his hair had a sort of adorable calculated messiness- that made him conceited and arrogant, of course. But… was he really that bad? Was he really any worse than any other boy in their year?
Well. Yes, obviously. But… was he that much worse?
“Lily.”
She gave a start, and realized that she had been staring into space in the middle of a sentence.
“Hmm?”
“Are you…all right?”
Lily gave an involuntary twitch. The way he looked when he said that! Like… he wanted to know her innermost thoughts and feelings and everything about her…
Oh my God, she thought dazedly, mesmerized by his eyes, I like him, don’t I…
“Lily!”
James’s expression of concern intensified as he looked at her. She really was beautiful, but not the kind of shallow beauty that sold lip gloss to twelve-year-olds, promising “soft, kissable lips!” in cheery voices. No, Lily had a sort of beauty that was very wise, and real, but almost half-hidden. It didn’t jump out at you and scream at you to notice it, rather, you had to look for it, had to pay attention to see it. And her kind of beauty didn’t really care whether you saw it or not, because she knew that it was there, and she didn’t need silly reassurances that she was prettier than the next girl, because that sort of thing just simply didn’t matter in her world. Lily saw things in either black, white or grey, and that was the sensible way to look at it, thank you very much, none of this waffling about with shades and hues of silver.
Now he was the one staring, he realized with a shock. Not that it was unusual for him to be staring at Lily Evans, but this time… she was staring back!
This was impossible, every nerve and cell in James’s brain was telling him so, and telling him that he was about to get an earful, but… something very strange was happening here. She was getting closer to him, closer still…
“Lily…” he said again, only this time he whispered it so softly that he didn’t even know if he had really said it out loud, or if it was just a thought in his mind that was yet to be expressed.
And yet she drew even closer… so that she could see the dark blackness that was James Potter’s eyes, and then she closed her eyes and could see nothing, but she could hear, and she could feel…oh, yes, she could feel…
And then scarcely nanoseconds later, she crashed her lips onto James’s in an exhibition of pent-up fury and longing for something she never even imagined, and Lily felt something inside of her settle gently into place, and fill a hole that she never knew existed.
Funny, she thought in a kind of blissful hysteria, that I should find out that I’ve been missing all these things and who should inform me of my ignorance but James, yes…
“James,” she whispered against his lips as he pressed himself closer to her. “Why…why didn’t I” another kiss, less strong but no less stirring… “realize it…” he pulled back and shook his head, as if to tell her to shut up already, and kiss me again. “before…” Lily wound her arms around his neck as he pressed his hands to her back, pulling her even more into him, if that was possible, and moved his mouth away from hers, sliding electricity down her neck, both gently and angrily caressing her skin in a culmination of years spent scorned and alone.
At last, when Lily thought she would surely collapse on the floor and melt into a boiling puddle of luxury, he drew back and looked into her eyes. He tilted her head upwards and ran his hand through her hair, but God, she had such gorgeous hair…like silk but also dry grass about to burst into flame all at once…
“James- ow! My hair’s caught!” He blushed, and quickly unwound the flaming silken bit of grass from his father’s offending ring, muttering that he didn’t mean to, really, she wasn’t going to be mad, was she?
“James! Stop, you’re going to make me regret it, you know.” Her tone was half teasing, half serious. He couldn’t tell which one would dominate. To prevent the latter from overcoming the former, he quickly kissed her again, effectively shutting her up. Pulling away, James grinned and bounced on his toes for a moment.
“See- I told you you couldn’t hold out forever! I told you it was just a matter of time, didn’t I? Didn’t I?” Lily rolled her eyes, and smiled at him.
“All right, fine, you win this round. But you know what? I can guarantee that you’re going to lose the next one. And I’m going to win.” Her green eyes twinkled with merriment as she gazed into his.
“I tell you what,” he said, “You can win as often as you like, so long as you never make me go through these years again! Do you know how hard it’s been, always wanting you and never having you?”
“Actually,” she began thoughtfully, “yes! Yes, I think I do.” James looked at her in surprise.
“But how can you? You never wanted me…” he trailed off, as his eyes widened. “You did want me! Hah! Even you couldn’t resist James Potter!” He grinned proudly and laughed at her expression, which was similar to that of Madame Pince’s when she found a scattering of crumbs in a book.
Lily glared some more.
“Oh, yeah? Keep that up and you’ll see just how well I can resist you!” She crossed her arms and quickly turned her back to him, hiding a grin.
“Oh, no, Lily, I didn’t mean that, I wasn’t trying to be arrogant, I really wasn’t, no, don’t do this again!” Her expression softened as she looked into his worried face, the picture of abject repentance. She smiled at him, and reached down to take his hand.
“Take a walk to the lake with me?” she asked, leading him out of the common room.
“Anywhere,” James said as he followed her down the hall.
“Anywhere you lead me.”
The First Kiss by LadyLuna
Chapter Notes: I started this about four months ago, and suddenly felt the urge to finish it. Why, I do not know. But I hope you enjoy it!