It’s cold in the streets of London. Petunia shivers, and pulls her cloak closer about her body. Only a little while longer, she reminds herself. Only a little while, and she will be able to fulfill her destiny. Only a little while and she will stand face to face with the man ” no, Lord ” who is to save her. Only a little while and she will see her sister’s murderer.
She doesn’t want to think about Lily, but she can’t stop herself once she’s started. How could she have let her sister down like that? Petunia had known that Lily couldn’t protect herself, and she had still left her. How could she have deserted Lily when she needed her most? She knows that Lily would never have deserted her, and it hurts even more. Petunia knows that Lily would have died for her. But Petunia, selfish Petunia, was unable to sacrifice herself for the one who was dearest to her.
What if Lily had been the one chosen for magic, she asks herself for the millionth time. What if she, Petunia, had been the Muggle, and Lily the one swept off into a world of witches, wizards and war? Would Lily be standing here now? Petunia knows the answer to that question: no. No, Lily would have chosen differently, Lily would have joined a better cause. Lily was brave. Petunia is useless.
Lily would have been a Gryffindor. Lily would have saved the Wizarding world. Petunia is going to help destroy it.
But maybe, if she helps the Dark Lord, Lily can be brought back. She knows he is the most powerful wizard of the day ” perhaps more powerful even than Dumbledore is. Maybe he can do what Dumbledore couldn’t. Maybe he can bring back the dead.
Why didn’t they choose Lily? Petunia doesn’t understand how she was the one chosen for such a gruesome adventure. Lily had always been the prettier, the cleverer, the perfect daughter.
Petunia was just ugly and useless. And now she has let her own sister, her own perfect sister, down. And so she will become a Death Eater.
A pang of terror tears through her heart as she considers the prospect. But if she couldn’t be brave for Lily to save her, maybe she can find the power to bring her back. To save her sister. And save herself, too.
Petunia suppresses a shriek as the figures appear out of nowhere. They surround her, and two of them grasp her upper arms.
“Time to go,” one whispers, and Petunia feels herself pulled into the tight tunnel that is apparation. Soon they reappear in a dark room.
In middle of all the Death Eaters, Petunia promises herself to stand tall. For Lily. She knows that Lily would have wanted her to face this bravely. But would Lily have wanted this at all? Petunia knows that Lily didn’t want to die.
Her promise doesn’t matter, anyway. As soon as she is escorted to the dungeons, she knows that she will break. She will fall and she will beg for acceptance and mercy. But that is as much for Lily as anything else.
Now here she stands. The Dark Lord’s eyes are merciless as they bore into her mind.
She is standing at King’s Cross, about to board the Hogwarts Express. Lily stands next to her. Silent tears are running down Lily’s face as her big sister gets on the train to join a new world forever.
“I love you, Tuney.”
“I love you, too, Lily.”
“Promise you’ll be back?”
“I promise. I’ll never forget you.”
“We’ll always be sisters?”
“Always, Lily. We’ll always be sisters and we’ll always be best friends.”
“Even though you’re going to be a witch, now?”
“Yes, Lily. Always and forever.”
“You’re sure about that? You promise? Always?”
“Always! I love you, little sister.”
“I love you, too, big sister.”
The Dark Lord is speaking to her, and it’s hard to hear him through the mist of memories clouding her mind. Taking all her courage and all the strength she has left, Petunia tries to listen.
“Why do you choose to join me today?”
Petunia knows she will not be able to take this strain much longer. But she must be strong. Must be strong…
“For Lily.”
Too late she realizes she has said the words aloud. The Dark Lord’s face, if that is what it can be called, fades in and out of focus, as Petunia battles the blackness that is threatening to overtake her.
“For Lily,” he hisses, menacing, mocking her.
Petunia is fifteen and sitting in the car on her way home from Hogwarts for the summer. Lily hasn’t said anything yet, and Petunia is afraid of what she will hear. Finally, Lily is the one brave enough to break the silence.
“Why didn’t you come home for Christmas this year, Petunia?”
“I’m sorry. There was a dance at school. I really didn’t want to miss it.”
“I was lonely.”
“Didn’t you make any plans? You’ve got friends, right?”
“I was waiting for you.”
“But I wrote you that I wasn’t coming.”
“I thought you would change your mind.”
“Well, did you at least get my present?”
“I didn’t open it.”
“Why not, Lily?”
“I was waiting for you, Petunia. We’re always together at Christmas.”
“Next year, then. Alright? I promise, next year. I love you, Lily.”
“Alright. Next year.”
“You’ll open my present as soon as we get home?”
“Okay, Petunia. I will. You’re still my big sister. I guess I’ll always love you.”
“How sweet.”
The Dark Lord makes no effort to hide the sarcasm, the distaste he feels for the memory he has just witnessed. It does not matter to him, what Petunia feels for Lily. Lily was just another Muggle. One of hundreds he has killed. Thousands, even. Petunia knows. She has seen many massacres.
Innocent people are running, Petunia is with them. Her friends are around her, but she feels far from safe. Petunia is terrified. She has lost sight of Lily amongst the other screaming Muggles. Petunia wants to save them all, but she knows now is not the time.
The Order of the Phoenix will take care of that, they are the heroes. She is only the hero for one person. And that person is the one she can’t find.
Finally, Petunia sees her. The fiery red hair gives her away, where she is hiding behind a trash bin. Five of the Death Eaters are surrounding her, and Petunia knows that Lily is scared, even if she refuses to cry.
She doesn’t know what to do. Petunia has never faced anything like this before. Just as she tries to decide, a Death Eater turns. He has seen her, and so has Lily.
“You can’t save me, Tuney! Just go!”
But the pleading, emerald eyes say otherwise. Petunia knows that Lily expects her big sister to save her again, save her like she has always done.
But if Petunia moves, the Death Eaters will kill her, too.
“No sense in both of you dying, kid. And you’re not the one we wanna play with. Just run away, we won’t follow.”
She’s my sister! The thought rings over and over in her head.
“Stay and you both die!” says another Death Eater, jumping up to approach her.
Petunia must decide. Die for Lily, or run and live? He is so close, she can smell his rancid breath. She is afraid. So afraid. Terrified. She can’t move a muscle.
“Run away!”
Finally, her instinct kicks in, and something clicks in her mind. Petunia turns and runs. Behind her she hears the cries of a tortured girl.
She was my sister! But Petunia can’t turn back now. It’s too late. Lily was defenseless. Lily was alone. Lily is dead.
Finally the torture is over. The Dark Lord has stopped asking her questions, left her mind to her own thoughts once more, and Petunia leans against the dungeon wall trying to recover from the mental assault.
She tries to smile confidently. But inside she is all a mess. She should have saved Lily! She should have! She should have died for Lily! But now she will do everything she can. Petunia hopes the Dark Lord is pleased with her.
In truth, though, Petunia doesn’t know if she’s even passed his tests. Maybe she is not satisfactory. A part of Petunia wishes that she isn’t. She knows that she shouldn’t be here. She is betraying Lily by being here. But no, she shouldn’t think like that. She is not betraying, but saving Lily, by being here. The Dark Lord will bring her sister back from the dead, and Lily will be so happy that she is alive again that she will forgive Petunia for letting her die and they will live happily together like they used to. Sisters. Sisters and best friends.
The Dark Lord approaches, and Petunia tries unsuccessfully to bring the simile from a moment ago, when she was thinking about Lily, back to her face. She rolls her sleeve up to reveal the patch of her skin where she will be branded.
Instead of raising the green iron he holds, though, the Dark Lord stares into Petunia’s eyes once more. She tries to make her mind blank, but fails dismally.
He smiles menacingly at Petunia’s feeble attempts at Occlumency. It’s odd, really, Occlumency had been one thing Petunia had always excelled in. But the grief “ the betrayal! “ must have made her lose the ability.
“What special knowledge or service do you hope to offer the Dark Lord for giving you the honor of being among his followers?” comes the sneering question.
Petunia doesn’t know what to say. She is not talented. She is not clever or sneaky. Not like Lily. Petunia knows that Lily could easily have answered that question: Lily was brilliant, Lily was talented, Lily was funny, Lily was beautiful. Petunia just isn’t.
Fearing the mental anguish of earlier in the ritual, Petunia tries to come up with something to say. Something to make him accept her, but something also that is true, for she knows he can tell if she is lying.
“Well?” asks one of the masked watchers surrounding Petunia and the Dark Lord.
Without even turning his head from Petunia, the Dark Lord points his wand at the Death Eater who spoke out of turn.
“Silence,” he hisses, “Crucio.”
Petunia knows that the Dark Lord is barely exerting himself, but the Death Eater writhes in pain, nonetheless.
“Answer me!” the Dark Lord says with a cold calm that sends shivers down Petunia’s spine.
“I…” she had hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but Petunia knows there is no choice now, “I can give you information on the Order. Be a spy.”
Though the Dark Lord shows no more emotion that usual, Petunia knows she has offered the right thing. The Death Eaters’ robes and voices rustle excitedly.
Of course she had known that those would be the magic words. Dumbledore had a feeling that the Dark Lord already had a spy “ but she doesn’t know who that might be or if they even exist.
Petunia can’t smile though. She can’t help but think that this isn’t what Lily would have wanted. No! Petunia is saving Lily! But would Lily want to be saved at this price?
Petunia is beginning to have, perhaps not second, but tenth thoughts about this plan. It’s too late now, though. The Dark Lord comes close to her. So close she almost feels faint from this nearness. He lifts the hot poker to her arm, burning the betrayal into her flesh for all to see. Burning, burning. Petunia is surprised that smoke isn’t rising. It hurts. She screams. She screams and screams and screams. Her shrieks of pain ring on the dungeon walls, a perfect symphony with the cruel laughter of the Dark Lord.
“You’re one of us now, Petunia.”