Chapter Twelve: The Confession
Lily woke up, but she refused to climb out of her bed. She lay still beneath her covers, keeping her eyes squeezed tight.
It was all a dream, she told herself. James never kissed me. I didn’t run away from him. My friends aren’t at my house. Lily started to take in a deep breath, slowly beginning to believe herself. Yesterday never happened…
She gently cracked open one eye, staring up at the ceiling. She rolled her head to the side, looking for her two friends. And then, with a jolt of excitement, realized that they weren’t there!
Lily sat bolt upright up in her bed, instantly wide awake. Had she really dreamt everything? She hadn’t actually believedthat it was a dream “ but maybe it was.
She flung back the covers and darted out from beneath her warm blankets, but her foot caught on a mess of sheets at the bottom of her bed. She fell straight to the ground, landing face first on something very soft and cushy.
Lily spit her hair out of her mouth and looked down, realizing that she was lying on top of an empty sleeping bag.
No… Lily collapsed back onto the makeshift bed and groaned into the pillow lying at the top of the sleeping bag. It wasn’t a dream after all…
Slowly, Lily crawled to her feet, almost as if she was dreading what would happen when she did. As she looked up, she spotted the trunks lying in the corner of the room with two animal cages sitting on top of them. There was Anna’s owl and Chelsie’s Puffskein, both watching Lily curiously and waiting for her to trip over something again.
“Oh, shut up,” Lily muttered, frowning at the two animals that hadn’t said a word. “You would have done the same thing if you were in my shoes…”
The owl gave a soft hoot, staring wide-eyed at Lily. The Puffskein rolled in a circle.
“Yes, why don’t you two carry on with your carefree lives,” Lily grumbled, sounding much grumpier than she usually did in the morning. “Leave me to my miserable one…”
“It’s not that miserable,” a voice cut in.
Lily turned to the doorway to see both of her friends standing beside each other, smiling at Lily.
“Your mum made a huge breakfast,” Chelsie started, pointing over her shoulder towards the hallway. “She wanted us to come up to see if you were awake yet.”
“And since you are,” Anna continued in a sleepy sounding voice, “let’s eat!”
Lily nodded, smiling weakly at her friends. “Uh “ right,” she said with a nod. “You two go on and get started. I’m just going to get dressed, and then I’ll be right down.”
Anna nodded, clearly choosing not to argue with this statement once her stomach let out a loud growl. “Fine by me,” she quickly agreed, turning away from Lily’s room.
Chelsie, however, lagged behind. “Lily,” she started in a soft voice. “Are you “ are you feeling alright?”
Lily tried to give her friend an astounded look, but wasn’t sure if she had succeeded or not. “Of course,” she said in a loud voice, laughing at the absurdity of this question. “Why wouldn’t I be alright?”
Chelsie shook her head, shrugging. “It’s just “ you’ve been acting a little strange, lately.” She bit her lip, looking down at the floor. “That’s all, really.”
Lily walked to her closet “ pointedly ignoring the suit jacket that she had stuffed in there the night before “ and pulled out a casual outfit to wear for the day. “There’s nothing wrong,” she said, slipping her clothes off of their hangers. “I’m fine.”
Chelsie nodded. “You’ve just been acting weird,” she continued in a hurried tone, as if she was unsure she could get everything out before she was interrupted. “I mean “ you were jumpy yesterday, and you “ you haven’t seemed yourself.”
Lily’s false smile dropped. “It’s nothing,” she assured her friend for the third time. “I promise,” she added, almost as an afterthought. “If there was a problem, you and Anna would be the first to know.” She raised an eyebrow, wishing she could immediately end this uncomfortable conversation. “Alright?”
Chelsie looked up from the floor, carefully watching Lily’s every move. “Yeah,” she finally said with a reluctant nod. “Alright “ sure.”
Lily smiled. “Great.”
Chelsie backed out of the doorframe, her eyes following Lily, as if waiting for her to slip up. “Well “ I’ll see you at breakfast,” she muttered.
Lily nodded, looking away from her friend. “Sure “ in a bit.”
Chelsie sighed and walked away from the door, shaking her head. Her mind was jumping to conclusions. Surely there were no problems “ it was all in her head.
Lily was probably doing just fine, and they had absolutely nothing to worry about.
*
Lily plopped into the nearest seat at the kitchen table, frowning at the many food dishes spread across it. She was not in the least bit hungry. “Mum “ you’ve really outdone yourself,” Lily mumbled, hiding the queasy look on her face.
Mrs. Evans grinned. “I thought your friends might enjoy pancakes,” she said, placing a tall stack of them in the center of the table. “And I just took these blueberry muffins out of the oven, so they might still be a bit warm.”
Lily picked up a muffin off of the plate and began nibbling on the corner of it. She nodded and smiled, signaling to her mother that the food tasted great, but she had to force herself to swallow the bite down.
Chelsie stabbed a pancake with her fork and dropped it onto her plate. “So,” she said in a conversational tone, “are you excited for your show tomorrow?”
Lily nodded, watching as her friend began to drown her breakfast in syrup. “Yeah,” she answered with a slight nod. “A little nervous “ but I’m excited.”
“You shouldn’t be so worried,” Mr. Evans boomed with a grin, patting Lily’s shoulder as he entered the room and walked behind her. “You’ve been absolutely fantastic at rehearsals,” he complimented her, filling his own plate with many different foods the moment he plopped into his seat. “Just marvelous…”
His wife grinned proudly as she put a dirty pan into the sink. She turned and walked in the direction of the front door, but stopped to stand at the bottom of the staircase. “Petunia!” she called upstairs, putting one hand on the banister and the other on her apron covered waist. “Honey, you’re breakfast is getting cold “ I suggest you come down before it’s gone!”
“I’m not hungry!” Petunia called back in a high-pitched voice, followed immediately by the slamming of her bedroom door.
Lily sighed, sounding exhausted. She just shook her head at her plate when her mother reentered the kitchen.
“Uh “ dad?” Lily glanced at the clock on the wall and then at her father. “Don’t you think it’s about time to leave?”
Mr. Evans squinted across the room, checking the time. “It’s still a bit early “ but I don’t suppose it would hurt to show up early, would it?”
Lily quickly nodded and stood from her spot at the table, glad that her father did not fight her on the issue. “Right,” she agreed, grabbing her green bag and heading for the door. She turned over her shoulder to face her friends. “See you after rehearsal, then.”
Anna turned around in her chair, watching Lily as she tried to make a quick exit. “Hey, wait “ ” she stuffed one last bite into her mouth and then set down her fork, turning back to Lily “ “ do you think it would be alright if we came to watch a bit of the rehearsal this afternoon?”
Lily felt her insides seize up at these words. She swallowed and then frowned, staring intently at her friend. “Sorry?” she mumbled, sounding confused. “What did you say?”
Anna repeated herself, clearly unaware of Lily’s unease. “Could we stop by the rehearsal this afternoon?”
“Yeah…” Chelsie started to nod, sounding as if she was beginning to like this idea. “We were planning on keeping ourselves busy shopping in the Muggle stores all day, but if we finish early “ that’d be great if we could stop by and see you in action!”
Lily felt her throat go dry, though she swallowed continuously. “Uh…” She looked over at her dad, wondering if he could get her out of this complex situation. When he looked back at her with a simple smile, almost as if he hadn’t even heard the question, Lily forced herself to come up with a feeble excuse. “Well “ wouldn’t it be better if you saw the entire show tomorrow night?” she asked. “I mean,” she continued, making things up as she went, “it could ruin the whole show if you saw the ending first…”
Anna and Chelsie looked at each other and then shrugged. “I don’t mind,” Anna muttered.
“Neither do I,” Chelsie chimed in, looking rather upbeat. “Besides “ we’ll get to see you performing more than once. And if you’re as good as your dad says,” she continued in a highly appraising voice, “I wouldn’t mind watching the performance more than once!”
Lily tried to smile at this compliment, but her fears blocked out Chelsie’s comment. “Alright,” she said, frantically searching for another reason to keep her friends away from Bennett Theater. An idea came to her. “But I might not perform as well today,” she quickly added. “I’m sure I’ll be much better tomorrow.”
Mr. Evans chose now to cut in. “Oh, it’s no trouble if they show up, Lily,” he said, finally overhearing their conversation. “It’ll be good to have a small audience for practice!” He grinned and nodded towards the two girls that were still sitting at the kitchen table. “Both of you are welcome at Bennett Theater whenever you like.”
The pair grinned, excited that they had gotten approval to show up at the rehearsal.
“Great!” Chelsie sighed, leaning back in her chair. “Then we’ll try to stop by later this afternoon!”
Lily smiled weakly. “Alright “ good,” she muttered numbly, staring blankly back at the room full of smiling people. “I’ll see you…”
She turned and walked toward the front door, feeling like she was about to throw up what little breakfast she had put down.
*
I have to find James “ I need to find James!
Lily darted from one room to the next, searching for any sign of James somewhere within Bennett Theater. Once she started to enter the girls’ bathroom, hoping to find James inside, she began to realize that she was panicking far more than was necessary. She immediately stopped her frantic search and calmed her nerves.
Of course he wouldn’t be in the girls’ bathroom, Lily told herself, shaking her head at her lack of thinking. And it’s not like I absolutely have to talk to him this very minute. I mean “ I’m sure he’ll show up sometime today. And even if Anna and Chelsie come to the rehearsal, it’s not like they won’t be expecting to see James, right? They know he’s here! So, why worry?
Lily knew that everything she had told herself made complete sense, but she couldn’t help feeling slightly nervous at the thought of her friends walking in on her and James holding a civil conversation.
But it’s not like he’ll even talk to me again after last night…
Lily shook her head, doing her best to try and brush away all of her doubts. She couldn’t worry about these sorts of things the day before her first show! She needed to be focused on remembering her lines and trying to stay in character! She shouldn’t be “
“Evans?”
Lily blinked, jumping back to reality. She was standing in the bathroom with her hands on the sink, and staring into a small mirror covered with smudged fingerprints. She looked towards the doorway to see who had interrupted her.
She wished she hadn’t.
“What is it, Jess?” Lily asked, letting out an exhausted sigh. Jess was the last person she wanted to see at that moment.
Jess smirked, crossed her arms, and then snickered.
Lily, looking less than amused, lifted an eyebrow. “What?”
Jess smiled. “Nothing, really,” she said in a lofty voice. “But you might want to know that we’re starting the rehearsal in five minutes.”
Lily held a hand up to her forehead, tired of Jess’ games. She rubbed her eyes and shook her head, but played along anyway.
“I’m aware of that,” Lily said, trying to appear as uninterested in Jess’ news as possible. “So why are you telling me?”
Jess smirked once more, unable to contain her apparent amusement at the situation. “I just thought you might want to have enough time to change into your costume and get your makeup on before the dress rehearsal today.”
Lily looked down at her outfit “ a pair of jeans and a t-shirt “ and swore.
She ignored Jess’ sarcastic, “Good luck!” as she shoved past her and bolted down the hallway towards the dressing room. After covering her face with a thick layer of stage makeup and pulling back her hair, Lily sprinted into a separate changing room to find her dress. She peeled off her layers of clothing and dropped them in a pile on the floor at her feet the moment she stepped into the small space, and then pulled her costume over her head.
Lily turned to look in the mirror, inspecting her quick change. She pulled her white gloves up past her elbows and then hurriedly smoothed out the wrinkles of the silky-white dress. She calmly pulled back her shoulders, taking in a deep breath. The gown was strapless and seemed to cling to Lily’s body in all of the right places. Without her shoes, the material spilled onto the floor in waves, spreading around her.
Lily turned around to the hanger that she had kept her dress on and removed a small bag that she had attached to it. Inside the bag, Lily pulled out a small, glittering tiara, fit for a princess. Slowly, she placed it on her head, adjusting it so that it seemed natural to be wearing it.
And with a final glance in the mirror, Lily picked up her high heels and sprinted out of the room and towards the stage.
I’m not late, she tried to convince herself, hopping on one foot as she managed to slip one shoe on while moving. I’m right on time, so there’s no need to panic.
She knew that, by this time, nearly everyone would be standing just offstage behind the curtain, waiting for their cue to start the show. She wasn’t, however, expecting anyone to be heading in her direction.
Just as she had started to pull on her second shoe, Lily rounded a corner and ran directly into another cast member.
“Oh “ I’m so sorry,” Lily immediately apologized, sitting up from her place on the floor. She brushed the dirt off of the knees of her white dress and checked to make sure her tiara was still seated safely atop her head. “I just got caught up in other matters and ended up rushing and “ oh, I’m such a klutz,” Lily scolded herself, staring adamantly at the floor.
“Not a problem,” the other voice replied, getting to their feet a bit quicker than Lily had. They graciously extended their hand to Lily, and she took it as they continued talking. “It’s my fault I wasn’t paying attention. Besides, I don’t want to ruin your dress or “ ”
Once their words cut off in the middle of their sentence, Lily looked up, confused. It was then that she felt her jaw drop and her feet grow rooted to the floor.
“James,” she whispered, staring openly into his wide eyes. She tried to say something more, wishing to say several thousand things at once, but unable to decide which was more important to say first.
Before she even had a chance to make up her mind, James had already turned and walked away without another word.
*
“Bravo!” Mr. Evans called. “Fantastic run through, everyone! I couldn’t be happier!”
Lily patiently listened to her father as he congratulated the entire cast. She glanced out into the empty seats in front of the stage, wondering why her friends still had not shown up. It was the end of their rehearsal “ surely they would have been here by now.
“Really,” he assured all of them. “It’s been a pleasure to work with each and every single one of you this summer. Whether or not you return next summer “ ” there were several sighs of disappointment from the older cast members “ “ I hope that all of you will remember this experience and can take something meaningful from it.”
Lily nodded along with several others, chewing on her bottom lip. She had heard this speech many times before, and it was the same every summer. It should have meant more to her this year, she realized, since it was her final year that she would be able to perform in Bennett Theater, but it didn’t seem to affect her. Her mind was on other issues.
“I hope you all get a good night’s sleep tonight and are ready for your first performance!” Mr. Evans finished, clapping his hands together. “I’ll see you all here tomorrow night!”
The group of cast members onstage all stood at the same moment, eager to change out of their warm costumes and back into their comfortable clothing. Lily was the only one that did not walk in the direction of the changing rooms. Instead, she headed straight towards the set room in her long, white gown.
Lily felt a shiver run down her spine and she started to run a gloved hand over the small exposed area of her arms, suddenly feeling very nervous. Slowly, very cautiously, Lily knocked on the closed door, forcing herself to face her fears sooner rather than later.
Immediately, Lily heard a pair of footsteps behind the door, walking towards her. Within seconds, the door had been thrown open and, in the place where she had been expecting to see James, she found Jimmy, grinning from ear to ear.
“Come in!” he exclaimed with a great deal of excitement coating his voice. Jimmy reached out and grabbed Lily’s gloved hand, dragging her into the room, and then closed the door behind her. “Look,” he whispered, sticking a hand into his pocket. “Look at what I got!”
Lily put both hands on her knees so that she was level with Jimmy. She leaned forward, smiling kindly at the eager boy. “What did you get?” she asked, playing along.
Jimmy pulled out a thin stick of wood from his pocket. He waved it around in the air, nearly poking out Lily’s eye in the process.
“It’s a wand,” he said very quickly, demonstrating how he could shoot red sparks out of the end of it. “It’s chestnut “ thirteen inches, he said. That Ollivander or what’s-his-name gave it to me. You know “ the bloke at Diagon Alley!”
Lily nodded, managing to follow Jimmy’s scattered thoughts.
“He said there’s an Augurey feather in it!” Jimmy exclaimed, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. “I mean “ I don’t even know what an Augurey is,” he muttered, twirling around his wand expertly between his fingers, almost as if he had been doing this his whole life. “But I bet it’s cool, whatever it is!”
Lily smiled and nodded. “That’s nice,” she said, starting to pull off her gloves. She folded them neatly onto a chair beside her and turned back to Jimmy as he continued to speak.
“Yeah,” he continued, unable to keep himself from telling Lily every detail. “James says an Augurey feather repels ink.”
Lily looked up from Jimmy’s wide-eyed expression at the mention of James’ name. She glanced across the room and realized, for the first time, that James was standing at a worktable in the corner. Both of his hands were gripping the edge of the table with white knuckles and his head was bowed down, concentrating on an invisible speck of sawdust.
“Is that true?” Jimmy asked, pulling Lily’s attention back to him. “Because I don’t think that makes much sense.” He scratched his head in confusion. “I mean “ I guess it could be true, but I don’t really understand how “ ”
“Jimmy,” Lily softly interrupted him, standing back up to her full height. “I hate to ruin your excitement “ but I really need to talk to James.”
Lily watched as James’ head snapped up and he looked over in her direction, surprised by her bluntness. Jimmy, on the other hand, frowned. He glanced over his shoulder towards James “ who had already returned to staring at his worktable once again “ and then back at Lily, clearly thinking that they were free to talk to each other there.
He was about to mention this when Lily spoke before him and said, “Alone.”
Jimmy stopped twirling his wand and dropped it with a clatter on the stone floor. “Really?” he asked, squinting at Lily. “Are you serious?”
Lily did not respond. She quietly cleared her throat and looked down at her hands, clasped together in front of her.
“You’re not “ but James,” Jimmy tried, looking to the other side of the room. He seemed to be silently begging James to override Lily’s decision to kick him out of the room, but James was determined not to look away from his worktable. And then, with the slightest movement that Lily was almost sure she had imagined, she watched as James jerked his head in the direction of the door, urging Jimmy to leave.
Jimmy looked stunned and confused. He glanced back and forth between the pair before finally realizing that neither would back down from their stance. Finally, Jimmy bent down and snatched up his wand, muttering a frustrated, “Fine,” before stomping loudly out of the room. He stopped at the doorway and turned, sending one last pleading look towards Lily, but she didn’t change her decision. Instead, she stepped forward and silently closed the door on him.
Once the door had closed, all noise from the hallway was instantly muted. The only sound Lily could hear was her racing heart and her shallow breathing. With her hand still on the doorknob and her forehead pressed up against the door, Lily closed her eyes and took in a deep breath before saying, “We need to talk.”
She slowly turned around and leaned back against the door, already feeling emotionally drained. She watched as James began to nod and started to back away from his worktable.
Alright “ we’re getting somewhere, Lily thought, glad to see that James wouldn’t ignore her entirely. But now “ what to say?
She had already thought through everything that she needed to tell James, had even recited specific lines over and over in her head. But now that she was standing face to face with him, she felt as though her mind had been wiped clean and she couldn’t remember a single thing to say.
Lily must have swallowed and cleared her throat several dozen times before she finally remembered her plan. She opened her mouth, but James beat her to it.
“Look,” he started, staring at the floor. “Uh “ about yesterday “ you see, I “ ”
“It’s alright,” Lily quickly cut him off with a slight shrug.
James immediately looked up, stunned by Lily’s statement. He wasn’t sure whether to look confused or relieved, so he decided to return his gaze to the floor. “You’re “ alright with it?” he asked, scratching the back of his head. His gaze slowly drifted back up towards Lily’s eyes and he took a step forward, away from his worktable. With a hint of a smile playing at his lips, James continued speaking. “But “ I thought “ yesterday, you didn’t really seem like “ ”
Lily shook her head with a kind smile. “Really, it’s alright,” she interrupted once again. “I understand.”
James stopped in the middle of his sentence. His smile faltered. “You “ understand?”
“Of course I do!” Lily exclaimed, stepping towards James. She carefully pulled the tiara off of her head and set the costume accessory on top of her folded pair of gloves as she walked past the chair and towards James. “I mean “ I’m an actress, aren’t I?” She smiled again, as if trying to reassure James of this fact. “I completely understand.”
James began to frown. “Sorry,” he said, “but “ what exactly do you understand?”
“That you were acting,” Lily interjected, as if it were obvious. She stopped walking once she was standing directly in front of James. “What happened last night “ ” she did her best to avoid actually saying out loud what had happened “ “ is completely natural!” She reached up and pulled out the small tie that was holding her hair back and nervously began to run her hand continuously through her long hair, finding it to be a good distraction during the awkward moment. “I mean “ we’re both actors, right?”
James blinked, trying to see where Lily was going with this. “I guess,” he mumbled.
“And we were doing exactly what we were supposed to be doing!” Lily explained, forcing a false laugh at the end of her statement. “We were simply playing the roles of two characters in love,” she said. “And we must have just gotten caught up in the moment and “ ” Lily swallowed “ “ weren’t thinking clearly,” she finished softly.
James blinked several times. He stared at his hands for a moment, and then back up into Lily’s eyes. Then he smiled. “Well,” he said, clearing his throat, “then I’m glad we, uh “ feel the same about it.”
Lily smiled as well, putting her hands together. She let out a soft sigh of relief. “That’s it,” she said, nodding. “It was no big deal!”
“Right,” James agreed, fidgeting uncomfortably. “We were acting “ just playing out the scene.”
Smiles were exchanged, and then the room fell silent. The pair stood awkwardly at the center of the set room, doing their best to avoid each other’s gaze. After several minutes of silence, Lily cracked under pressure and decided she couldn’t stand the awkward situation much longer.
“Then I’m glad we sorted that out,” she said in a much louder voice than intended. “So “ I’ll see you at the show tomorrow night?”
James was about to nod, but a thought occurred to him. “But “ wait, didn’t you still want to practice your lines tonight?”
Lily stopped at the door with her hand hovering just above the doorknob. What about Anna and Chelsie? she silently reminded herself. They said they might stop by the theater today “ I can’t let them find me rehearsing with James! She slowly pulled her hand back, biting her lip. Still facing the door and standing with her back to James, Lily responded with a soft, “I’m not so sure about that.”
James appeared slightly taken aback by Lily’s answer, but he quickly recovered. “Of course “ it’s not like you need any more practice,” he said, bobbing his head up and down in agreement. “And I don’t want you to overwork your voice or anything.” He trailed off, stuffing his hands into his pockets. Once he had turned and was walking back towards his worktable in the corner, he muttered a soft, “Don’t worry about it.”
Lily felt her heart contract in her chest, feeling an immense amount of guilt for turning James’ offer down without any explanation whatsoever. Without thinking, Lily spun away from the door and spoke up. “It’s not that,” she interrupted. “I mean “ ”
At her words, James had stopped moving and eagerly turned back to look at her, causing Lily to forget what she had planned to say. Closing her eyes and shaking her head, she gave James an excuse. “It’s not that I don’t want to run my lines,” Lily said, keeping her eyes far from James’. “But “ it’s my friends,” she admitted. “They’re staying with me, and, uh “ I don’t want to keep them waiting!”
“You mean Anna and Chelsie?” James asked, sounding interested.
Lily nodded, chewing on her bottom lip. “Yeah,” she confirmed. “They’re staying with me for the rest of the summer.”
James sat on the edge of his worktable. He crossed his arms over his chest and smirked. “My friends got into town on Monday,” he told her. “I just let them know that I would be home late.” He shrugged, raising his eyebrows hopefully. “No big deal, right?”
Lily swallowed, finding it harder and harder to continue thinking up excuses. “You see,” she began, “I didn’t tell my friends that I might be late.”
James smiled, shaking his head. “It wouldn’t kill them to wait, would it?”
Lily was growing more frustrated by the second. “But “ my dad’s the director,” she tried to explain, her voice rising slightly. “And if he got home before I did, don’t you think my friends might be a bit suspicious?”
“They’d just think you were a dedicated actress!” James answered, chuckling slightly. “They’d understand!”
“No, they wouldn’t,” Lily countered, her face beginning to heat up. “They would wonder what I was up to and probably walk down here, looking for me, and I don’t want them to find me with “ ”
The instant the words had flown out of her mouth, Lily froze. All of the frustration and anger that James had evoked from her seemed to vanish. She was left with a knotted stomach and shaking knees.
Unable to look up at James’ expression, Lily quickly tried to cover up her blunder. “I, uh “ don’t want them to, uh… worry,” she finished lamely, swallowing the lump at the back of her throat.
The room was silent for several seconds, but it felt like hours to Lily. She cleared her throat and muttered a hasty, “So “ I guess I better get going.” She kept her eyes glued to the floor as she slowly stepped away. “So, um “ bye. I guess.”
Lily picked up her pace. She headed straight for the door, eager to exit as fast as she could. She had just put her hand on the doorknob and had been opening the door when the handle was jerked out of her grip and the door slammed closed.
Lily looked up at the door, surprised by this opposing force. It didn’t surprise her, however, to find that the opposing force was brought on by a callused hand, pressing forcefully against the door frame, directly in front of her face. Lily’s wide eyes slowly followed the hand, trailed up the arm, and finally landed on the face of the owner.
She cringed at the look James was giving her. His jaw was dropped and he had a look filled with a mixture of anger and disbelief.
She wished she had never seen it.
“You don’t want your friends to find you with “ who, Lily?” James asked in a soft, disbelieving voice. His eyebrows furrowed together in mock concentration as he placed a firm foot in front of the door, barricading it so that Lily had no chance of opening it, now. “Come on, Lily,” James taunted, his voice slightly increasing in volume. “Tell me who you didn’t want your friends to find you with.”
Lily shook her head, backing away from the door. “It’s not like that,” she tried to explain, feeling tears build up behind her eyes. “I mean “ that’s not what I “ ”
“You didn’t want your friends to see us together?” James asked, cutting off Lily’s feeble explanation. He followed every step that Lily took as his voice grew in intensity. “Is that it? Is that what this is all about?”
Lily urgently shook her head again, her hair flying all around her now and bunching up into messy tangles. She kept backing up until she could move no further; she was pressed up against a wall. But she didn’t bother to retaliate again. She gave up on making any more excuses and resolved to stare at her feet, blinking furiously when she felt the tears start to escape through the corners of her eyes.
She stared through blurred eyes as the toes of James’ shoes stepped into view, stopping less than an inch from her own shoes. Soon after, she watched as the rest of his body followed suit. He was standing so close to her that she could feel his warm breath on her cheeks; she didn’t need to look up to realize that he was staring down at her with his bright, hazel eyes. Lily pressed herself, back into the wall, but all she could see was James’ chest as he silently took in one breath and let out another. He was close enough to touch her “ far closer than Lily wished he would be “ but he never did.
James backed away almost as quickly as he had cornered her. She was tempted to look up from the floor, wondering if he had left the room without her realizing it. She sniffed, hastily brushing away the tears that had managed to slip out of her eyes and were rolling steadily down her cheeks, and then slowly lifted her gaze. She felt her breath quicken when she realized that James had not left. In fact, he had walked back over to the door and was sitting in an old, metal chair with his face in his hands, looking more defeated than ever.
Without warning, without any notice, James started to speak again.
“You never even told them,” he whispered, unmoving. He stayed silent, as if waiting for a rebuttal from Lily. When she didn’t give him one, he continued speaking. “You didn’t tell your friends that we were on good terms “ did you?”
This time, he moved. He slowly lifted his head and pulled away his hands, sending Lily a questioning look. She silently shook her head, confirming James’ suspicions, but he did not react.
At least “ not at first.
James took a minute to let this news sink in. He put one hand on the top of his head and slowly ran it through his dark hair, making it stand on end. He glanced up at Lily, opened his mouth, and then shook his head and looked back down at the floor, pulling at locks of hair with clenched fists. Again, he looked over at her with a frustrated look, but couldn’t speak.
Within seconds, James stood up so abruptly that his chair went flying out from behind him, crashing onto the hard floor with a deafening clang.
“Why not, Lily?” he shouted, almost looking disgusted by her behavior. His hair was sticking out in every direction, making him look like a madman, but Lily didn’t notice this change in his appearance. “Why didn’t you just tell your friends?”
Lily forced herself to keep her eyes open when all she wanted to do was avoid eye contact at all costs. She followed James’ every movement as he paced back and forth, feeling as if she deserved every word he threw at her. This time, however, she couldn’t stop any of her tears from falling.
James paused, glancing at Lily to see if she would answer his question. When she didn’t respond, he took a step towards her. “Was it your ego that got in the way?” he spat, throwing out random answers. “Your pride?”
This time, James walked directly up to Lily, stopping inches from her as he had before. She tried to keep her gaze locked on his, but, as much as she fought it, she couldn’t stand seeing all of James’ emotions within such a close proximity and was forced to look away. “I told my friends about us,” James challenged, almost as if he were trying to get Lily worked up. “Hell “ I even invited Sirius to meet us at Diagon Alley last month!”
Lily did not budge from her spot, staring blankly at the door on the other end of the room. She clung to the smooth material of her dress, feeling as if she would lose grip with reality if she did not. James dared to take another step closer, daring Lily to look up at him.
“Why didn’t you tell your friends, Lily?” he asked, doing his best to keep his voice steady. “Was I so far “ below you that you thought I wasn’t worth it?” he ventured, grasping for words. She could hear the intensity of his comments become weaker, almost as if the adrenaline from all of his fury and anger that he had built up inside of him was now beginning to come crashing down. “Was I not important enough to you?” James swallowed, finding it harder to continue speaking with his normal voice. “Did you think it wouldn’t matter how I would feel about you choosing not to tell your friends?” he asked, his voice cracking. He could do nothing more, now, but whisper. “Did you think that “ that I wouldn’t want to be friends with you at Hogwarts?”
Finally, James stopped speaking altogether, standing a fraction of an inch away from Lily with his chest heaving from his irregular breaths. He felt a sudden decline of energy in his body, almost as if he hadn’t had anything to eat or drink in days. He started to sway on the spot, feeling lightheaded, and Lily instinctively reached out a hand to help him regain his balance. James, however, jerked his arm out of her reach, preferring to stagger away from her rather than to let her help him.
Lily swallowed and slowly drew back her hand, hurt by this movement. She was almost positive that her face must be covered in tears by now. She knew that her eyes were most likely red and swollen and her makeup must be completely smeared, but she felt as if James deserved, if anything, to tell her how he felt directly to her face.
Slowly “ painfully “ Lily looked back up for the last time and locked her eyes on James’ once more. As she did so, she witnessed the most astonishing thing, causing her to let out a soft sob in the back of her throat.
He had tears in his eyes.
James stared long and hard at Lily, holding her eye contact. He cleared his throat and then spoke, unable to keep a small quiver out of his voice. He then asked the one question that he wished he would have never had to ask. “Lily “ were we even friends?”
Lily’s eyes widened at this comment. Of course we were “ we are! she wanted to scream back. She wished she could grab him by the shoulders and shake him, telling him that he was crazy to ever think that she would be so cruel to him, but also wanted, at the same time, to just throw her arms around his neck and hold him close to her, acting as if nothing had ever happened between them. But she couldn’t even open her mouth to retaliate. She felt far too weak and exhausted.
Lily let out a soft gasp of surprise as James’ eyes were ripped away from hers. He had moved swiftly across the room before she even realized what was happening. Within seconds, James had picked up his bag and was walking back to the door. He threw it open and backed out of it, shooting Lily one last look. As a single tear fell down his cheek, James shook his head and whispered, “Or was that whole friends bit just an act?”
Lily watched in stunned disbelief as James disappeared from view.
“No,” she managed to whisper just before she felt a sob rack her entire body. “No “ James!” She let out a small hiccup as she stumbled towards the door, finding it hard to stand tall in her heels at a time like this. By the time she reached the exit, James was already at the back of the theater, slipping out of sight.
“Uh “ Lily?”
Lily spun, startled by the second voice. She felt slightly relieved, however, when she realized that it was only Jimmy, most likely trying to eavesdrop on her conversation with James.
Lily took one step towards the boy, about to either greet him or ask him to leave. She never did quite find out what she would have ended up saying to him in the end, because she had collapsed to her knees in the middle of the floor and started to sob before she could even get out one word.
“Oh, no “ Lily,” Jimmy whispered, worried about the small, fragile figure. He quickly ran to Lily’s side, standing awkwardly over her shaking form. Taking in a deep breath, Jimmy kneeled and put an arm around her shoulder. He started to pat her gently on the back. “It’s alright,” he said, doing his best to console her when he had no idea what had happened to put her in this state. “It’s alright, Lily.”
Lily shook her head, allowing her long hair to spill forward, in front of her shoulder, and shield her face. “It’s not alright!” she shouted, holding her hands up to cover her eyes. She sniffed, trying to pull herself together, but after spotting Jimmy’s concerned and worried expression, Lily fell gratefully onto his open shoulder and continued sobbing.
Jimmy grew a bit more comfortable with patting Lily on the back. “Everything will be fine,” he told her, hoping this might calm her down. “We can work through this, can’t we?”
Lily took in several shuddering breaths. She shook her head.
“Jimmy,” she said with a scratchy voice. “I know that you want to fix this and “ and “ ” Lily took in another shaky breath “ “ I just don’t think that you can.”
“No,” Jimmy tried to correct her. “We’ll “ we can make everything better, whatever it is,” he said, doing his best to convince Lily that this was true. “I’m sure it’ll all work out in the end.”
“No, Jimmy.” Lily’s voice couldn’t rise above a whisper anymore. She could feel another round of tears building up once again. “I “ I think I’ve just made the worst mistake of my life.”
And she collapsed, once more, onto Jimmy’s shoulder.
*
Lily sniffed, kicking at a rock as she walked through town. The streets were empty and stores were closed, but the neon lights from the signs in the window shone down on her, lighting her path. She couldn’t go home. It was past dinner and she knew that she would be expected home at any moment, but she couldn’t do it.
Ever since Lily had left Bennett Theater “ after changing back into her normal clothes and thanking Jimmy over a thousand times for coming to her aid when she most needed it “ she had been wandering the streets, attempting to sort through her problems.
I deserved that, she told herself. I deserved to be yelled at. It was my fault that I never told anybody about “ us.
Lily blinked, fearing that she might start to cry again. She quickly got her emotions under control, taking deep, calming breaths.
And is it even worth it now? she wondered. I could still try to tell Anna and Chelsie about what really happened this summer “ but why bother? It’s not like he’ll ever talk to me again…
Lily couldn’t stop the next batch of tears. She didn’t want to believe that she would never speak to James again! Several weeks ago, she would have felt relieved to find out that James would only help her with her lines, and then pretend as if nothing had happened at school. Now “ she couldn’t stand the thought of losing James.
Lily calmly brushed away the tears and dabbed at her eyes. She looked up and found that she was passing the very museum that James had shown her only a few weeks earlier. She noticed, to her disappointment, that there was a small sign in the corner of the window that read, “Going out of business.”
Lily shook her head, upset that the museum had not been able to take in enough money this year to remain open. With a sigh, Lily stopped and walked towards the store. She pressed her face up against the window, cupping a hand around her eyes as she tried to peek inside.
She smiled at the memory of meeting Bernie, the shop owner, and of her tour through the museum. Already, she could remember the fun that she had that day, watching James’ face light up with excitement as he talked about each of the different artifacts on display. She even blushed at the thought of James holding her hand as he pulled her through each exhibit.
Lily slowly backed away from the window, feeling many other memories resurface. She could picture herself roasting marshmallows over an open campfire with James. She remembered how they had spent the whole night talking and looking up at the starry sky. She even recalled the past week when James had taken her to the Ministry Ball, letting her experience a whole new side of him. But no memory was as strong as the one from the night before.
When he had kissed her.
Lily swallowed, almost afraid to dwell on this thought. She knew that she would have to eventually think about it sooner or later, but she had hoped that it would be much later.
Besides “ what’s there to think about? she wondered. James kissed me. End of story.
But Lily started to contradict herself. He didn’t just kiss you “ you kissed him back. And you enjoyed it.
Lily was shaking her head, trying not to believe it. I couldn’t have enjoyed it, she told herself. That’s impossible. We’re hardly even friends! There’s just no way that we could have ever been anything more than that!
But Lily knew that it wasn’t true. She had never believed at the beginning of the summer that she and James would ever overcome their differences. She never thought that they could ever be friends.
But now we are! Lily realized. She bit her lower lip. So “ that could mean “ I might actually “
Lily gasped, sharply looking up into the window of the museum. She was staring back at her own reflection and was surprised to see that she was holding a hand to her lips, almost as if trying to feel something that she knew wasn’t there.
With a blink and a small giggle, Lily turned and ran home, knowing exactly what she had to do.
*
Lily entered her house, quickly kicking off her shoes and closing the door behind her.
“Hello, dear,” Mrs. Evans called from the other room. “You’re a bit late tonight,” she observed, checking the clock. “We already ate “ you’ll have to make your own dinner, I’m afraid.”
“That’s fine,” Lily quickly answered, not caring about this problem. She, instead, asked a different question. “Mum “ are Anna and Chelsie upstairs in my room?”
Mrs. Evans nodded, glancing down the hallway towards her frantic daughter. “Yes,” she answered in a careful sounding voice. “Lily “ is there something wrong?”
“Thanks,” Lily responded, ignoring her mother’s question and running up to her room. She reached her bedroom door in record time and swung it open, darting inside just in time to see her two friends sitting on the floor, playing with Chelsie’s Puffskein.
“Well, nice to see you around here,” Chelsie commented sarcastically, throwing her Puffskein into the air. She caught it and smiled as the fuzzy, round creature purred with delight. “Anna and I have been worried sick that you would never show up!”
Anna snickered. She held up her hands as Chelsie threw the Puffskein back to her. Again, the animal seemed to sound excited to be a part of this game. “Hardly,” Anna mumbled, smiling. She tossed the round ball back. “We only just got back from shopping an hour ago.”
Chelsie nodded. “We’ve been throwing Gordy around for awhile,” she said, gesturing towards her Puffskein. “He hasn’t been out of his cage since we got here yesterday, so I thought he might like to play a bit.”
“Right,” Anna said, rolling her eyes as she caught Gordy. “Bore her with news about your illegal pet, why don’t you!”
Chelsie held up an eyebrow, choosing to save her argument about illegal animals with her friend for another day. “And what else should I say?”
Anna looked as if the answer had been obvious. “How about telling her that we saw James’ friends in town today?”
“Oh, right.” Chelsie nodded, appearing to have forgotten entirely about their encounter. “We saw James’ friends in town today,” she said, repeating Anna word for word. “I don’t think they saw us, though “ they’re not too observant.”
Anna nodded. “They’re probably staying with James until they go back to school “ like us.”
Chelsie caught the final pass from Anna and stood up, taking Gordy back to his cage. When she turned around to look at Lily for the first time, she realized that Lily had dried tears on her face. “Oh, my “ Lily,” she gasped, quickly putting her Puffskein away and then running back to her friend. “Are you alright “ what happened?”
Lily put a hand to her head, almost as if she were feeling flustered or light-headed. She knew it was either due to the loss of breath from her sprinting home, or her sudden realization. And then, taking in a breath, she told the truth.
“You remember this morning,” she started, looking directly at Chelsie, “when you asked if I was alright?”
Chelsie slowly nodded, frowning.
“Well, I’m not,” Lily answered, shaking her head. “Actually “ I’m far from alright.”
By this time, Anna had leapt off of the floor and was now standing beside the two girls, looking concerned for her friend. “What is it “ what’s wrong?”
Lily could feel her face glow with excitement at the thought of what she was about to say.
“This summer,” she finally admitted to her friends, “I fell in love with a really great guy.”
“Wait,” Anna cut in, absolutely floored by this news. “You “ you fell in love?” Her look of astonishment disappeared, replaced, instead, by excitement. “Why didn’t you tell us earlier?”
Lily smiled and giggled girlishly, almost relieved to have said it aloud, making it permanent.
“No “ I want to know who,” Chelsie said over Lily’s laughter, picking up where Anna had left off. “I don’t really care why you never told us “ but who is it?” she asked eagerly.
Lily stood still, staring blankly past both of her friends for a moment before whispering, “You’ll never believe me if I told you.”
“Of course we would,” Anna quickly assured her. “Just “ tell us who it is!”
Lily shook her head. She leaned back against her bedroom door and started to slide down it. “You guys will just laugh,” she said, unable to stop her own laughter.
Chelsie shook her head, following Lily with her eyes as she slid closer and closer to the bottom of the door. “We won’t,” she said in a calm voice. “We would never do that.”
Lily was now sitting on her carpet with her knees pressed tightly against her chest. She wrapped her arms around her legs and dropped her chin onto one knee. She wasn’t laughing, now.
Silently, Lily closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath, and whispered the words that the girls desired to hear.
“James Potter.”
The looks on her friends’ faces were priceless. They must have stood, staring at Lily for several minutes with their jaws dropped and with wide, unblinking eyes. Finally, they both kneeled on either side of Lily. “You’re joking,” Chelsie cut into the silence, unable to say much more than that.
Lily weakly shook her head, appearing exhausted after her great revelation. “I’m not joking,” she whispered softly, beginning to smile again.
Anna shook her head, unable to speak at all. She sat back, leaning against the door alongside Lily. “Wow,” she whispered, stunned. “That’s just “ wow.”
“Yeah,” Lily agreed wholeheartedly. “I mean “ who would have ever thought that James Potter would be so fascinated with medieval history “ right? And,” Lily quickly continued, speaking twice as fast, “did you know that he could drive? I mean “ drive a Muggle car with a license and everything!”
“Really?” Chelsie asked. “Hardly any of the pureblood families take the time to learn how to drive, these days.”
“He’s rather excellent at it,” Lily commented. “He said he hasn’t been in an accident.”
“Wait “ stop,” Anna cut in, looking puzzled beyond belief. “We’re talking about James Potter, right?” She raised an eyebrow, waiting for someone to correct her. “The same one who you love to fight with “ right?”
Lily ignored Anna’s interjection.
“He’s a really great actor,” Lily said, almost sounding as if she were trying to persuade her friends how great of a guy James was. “But he won’t audition for anything.” She smiled sadly. “He’s been helping me with memorizing my lines for the past several weeks… And he can dance!” she added excitedly, suddenly remembering this fact about James. Without so much as a warning, Lily leapt up from her place against the door and sprinted across the floor to her closet. She opened the door with a great deal of enthusiasm and searched through the items hanging up, quickly finding the jacket that she had shoved into the closet the night before.
“This “ ” Lily held up the black coat, glancing at it “ “ this isn’t my dad’s coat,” she explained. “This is James’ coat.”
The two girls’ eyes widened, trying to imagine why Lily was holding onto James’ suit coat.
“He let me wear it at the Ministry Ball,” Lily answered their unspoken question, smiling at the fond memory.
Anna jumped up, following Lily’s previous action, and darted over to the closet with wide eyes. “You got to go to the Ministry Ball?” she whispered excitedly. “That’s unbelievable “ I mean “ only the greatest witches and wizards get invited to that thing!”
Lily bit her lip, nodding excitedly. “James invited me to go with him and his parents,” she said, clutching the coat close to her. She took in James’ familiar scent, smiling because she could still smell it after a week. And then, as a sudden realization seemed to hit her, Lily felt her high emotions seem to spiral down into a deep, black abyss. She sank to her knees in the middle of her bedroom, now desperately holding onto James’ jacket as if it were a matter of life and death.
Lily stared blindly at the floor. She opened her mouth and softly whispered, “He kissed me yesterday.” She looked back up at her friends, who had, once again, followed her to her kneeling position on the floor. “Did you know that?”
Without a word, both girls shook their heads, waiting for Lily to continue. However, when she spoke again, it was in a tone that they didn’t want to hear.
“And,” Lily whispered sadly, having to clear her throat several times before she could start speaking, “he found out at the rehearsal today that you were visiting.” She swallowed, wishing she didn’t have to finish her story. “He also found out that I never told you about him.” Lily’s tears began to resurface once more. “And now “ he’ll never speak to me again.”
Chelsie shook her head, feeling her friend’s pain. “No “ don’t cry,” she soothed, putting an arm around Lily. She gently cradled her, rocking her back and forth. “And don’t say that “ of course he’ll talk to you.”
“Yeah,” Anna added in agreement, rubbing Lily’s back in small circles. “Listen “ you have nothing to worry about,” she said, doing her best to try and make Lily feel better. “We don’t care that you’ve finally realized what a great guy James is.”
“Right,” Chelsie added with a soft laugh. “And we don’t even care that you’re choosing now to let us know.”
Lily nodded, sniffing. She looked up at her two friends, grateful for their generosity and friendship. “Thank you,” she whispered, wiping her eyes. She tried to smile, tried to hold it there for as long as she could, but it was impossible. She could feel nothing but a deep sadness growing inside of her. “Thanks, but “ ”
Lily swallowed, shaking her head.
“I think I’m too late.”