“549 bottles of butterbeer on the wall! 549 bottles of butterbeer. Take one down; pass it around…549 bottles of butterbeer on the wall!” Sirius was singing happily, oblivious to the growing irritation of a rather oversized man. “548 bottles of butterbeer on the wall! 548 bottles of butterbeer””
“Would you shut the bloody hell up already!” yelled Vernon, glaring daggers at Sirius. “I can’t take it anymore!”
Sirius stopped mid-verse at the sound of Vernon’s annoyed voice. “What’s the matter, Blubber? Don’t you like my song?”
Lily and James snickered at Sirius’s new nickname for Vernon while Petunia pursed her lips angrily. Vernon’s face, however, turned a shade that would put a plum to shame.
Sirius scrutinized the man’s angry features with interest before he continued, “You know Blubber, purple really isn’t your color. It just doesn’t match your eyes.” Vernon’s eyes bulged while Petunia gave a sound of outrage. James, however, had fallen off the couch laughing. After a few minutes, James settled down, and Sirius grinned at Vernon innocently.
“Vernon,” James asked suddenly, all seriousness now on his face, “Is your favorite color purple?”
Vernon’s mouth hung open while Sirius and Lily both burst into peals of laughter.
James nodded. “I thought so.” He turned towards Petunia. “Petunia, I’d advise you to find someone a little more”umm”masculine .”
Vernon jumped off of his chair, advancing on James, and looking as if he was capable of murder. James just shook his head as if in sorrow.
“I’m sorry, Vernon, I just don’t feel that way about you.”
Vernon looked at him in horror while Lily laughed uncontrollably, and Petunia shouted in anger.
“TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND TO SHUT UP!” Petunia screeched at Lily who just laughed harder.
“1,000 bottles of butterbeer on the wall”” Everyone suddenly went eerily quiet and looked at Sirius.
“What?” he asked innocently before explaining, “You see, I had to start all over again since Blubber Boy interrupted me. Plus, I’ve decided that I want to become a singing sensation, not a murderer, so I’ve got to practice.” Sirius then went right along singing while Vernon stomped from the room, Petunia running after him.
**
It had taken many minutes and much coaxing from Petunia for Vernon to finally return to the family room. Sirius was still singing; he only had five bottles left now, but Lily and James were talking quietly on the couch, laughing occasionally. They were used to Sirius’s random, irritating moments and had learned to handle them quite well for the most part.
Vernon shot Sirius a nasty look before settling on a chair; Petunia sat down on the arm of it. Lily glanced at the couple before turning back to James.
“One bottle of butterbeer on the wall! One bottle of butterbeer. Take one down; pass it around…No more bottles of butterbeer on the wall!” Sirius finished happily. “See, that wasn’t so bad, was it, Blubber?”
Vernon shot him another dirty look before Petunia enraptured him in a conversation. Sirius looked around the room, watching as everyone ignored him. The minutes ticked by.
“Ahem,” the now bored eighteen year-old coughed quietly.
No one made the slightest incantation that they were going to acknowledge him.
“Ahem!” Sirius repeated, trying to gain attention. Once again, he received no response.
“AHEM! AHEM! AHEM!”
“WHAT DO YOU WANT, BLACK?” Lily yelled, turning from her boyfriend to glare at the attention-seeking prat.
“I’m bored,” Sirius replied simply, though he looked at James pointedly. “I think it’s time to play a game.”
James looked at him perplexingly.
“Something that would really weigh in everyone’s mind for the rest of the night,” Sirius continued, raising his eyebrows as if in significance.
“Spit it out, Black! What do you want to play that will satisfy your pea-size attention span?” Lily snapped, tossing her hair behind her shoulder irritability.
“Oh!” Realization suddenly appeared on the messy-haired man’s face. “You want to play a big enough game for everyone!” James said excitedly.
Sirius nodded, smiling coyly. James smirked at his best mate who gave a slight nod. James mirrored the action before turning towards Vernon. Lily watched the silent exchange and gave a quiet groan. They were up to a prank, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.
“Vernon, do you want to participate in our game?” James asked innocently.
“Only real men do it though, Jamsie-poo. Do you think Blubber’s up to it?” Sirius asked James, contemplating James’s question.
“Of course I’m in!” bellowed Vernon, earning a quick smirk from both men. “What are we playing?”
Sirius and James gave each another quick grin before explaining.
“We’re going to arm wrestle.”
**
A coffee table had been placed in the middle of the room. The three men stood around it, rolling up their sleeves.
Petunia and Lily had taken to sitting on the couch, though both were muttering darkly under their breath.
“Of all the stupid things to do…”
“Just trying to prove which of the three is the most macho…”
“Men”you just can’t live with them,” both Petunia and Lily finished together. They gave each other a small smile before turning grumpily to watch the first contestants.
“Ok, so Vernon and you, James, will be first,” Sirius said. “Both of you know how to play obviously; first hand to touch the table loses.” Vernon and James nodded, glaring at each other. But, James’s eyes were sparkling with amusement, something Lily was quick to notice.
“You know the stakes, Vernon. If you beat every contestant then James and I have to wear these…” Sirius pulled out two old dresses of Petunia’s, complete with lace.
“YOU WILL NOT BE WEARING MY DRESSES!” screeched Petunia indignantly. “PICK SOMETHING OF LILY’S!”
“My stuff wasn’t geeky enough for them, Petunia,” Lily said, putting her feet up on the couch and lounging back contently. “Besides, it’s not like Vernon could actually win””
“Vernon will win, so””
“Ladies, please settle down and let me continue!” Sirius glared at them briefly before continuing. “Anyway, if you don’t beat every contestant, Blubber, then James and I win, and you have to wear this”” Sirius pulled out what looked like a bunny costume. “”and we get to take a picture of you in it!” Sirius smiled happily.
“Does everyone agree with the stakes? Now remember, in order to win, you have to beat the contestants I have already said the first time.” James and Vernon nodded again.
“Ok, you guys ready?” Vernon and James glared at each other, clasping the other’s hand. “On your mark, get set, GO!” Sirius yelled.
Both men struggled to push the other’s arm to the table. Lily huffed in annoyance while Petunia glared at the contestants. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw Sirius give the slightest of nods. Suddenly, Vernon was winning, pushing James’s hand closer to the table. With a thump, James’s calloused hand hit the wooden surface.
“HA!” said Vernon triumphantly. “I WIN!”
“Man, you were strong…I guess I’ll have to practice more,” said James regretfully though laughter clung to his voice. Lily narrowed her eyes at her boyfriend’s tone.
“MY TURN!” yelled Sirius excitedly, plopping down and grasping Vernon’s hand.
“GO!” James shouted.
Sirius and Vernon immediately started to struggle for the win. Once again, a nod appeared, this time from James, and Vernon won once more. Lily’s eyes were mere slits.
“I WIN AGAIN!” Vernon yelled with a smirk. Petunia was cheering from the background, resisting the childish urge to stick her tongue out at her sister.
“You did Vernon, but I have some real competition for you now,” Sirius suddenly smiled mischievously.
“What?” Vernon asked in a confused voice.
With a twirl of his wand, James transfigured the chair that Vernon had previously occupied. It grew ten times as big, though the room expanded as it did. Petunia shrieked as Lily shouted in rage. With another jab of his wand, James had a fully live, breathing whale”blubber and all”sitting in the family room. Vernon looked at it in horror.
“GET THAT THING OUT OF HERE!” Petunia screamed, cowering on the couch.
“JAMES POTTER, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING WITH THAT THING? IF YOU DON’T TRANSFIGURE THAT WHALE BACK INTO A CHAIR IN THE NEXT THREE SECONDS THEN YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!” Lily shouted with her face red with anger.
“James can’t do that, Evans,” Sirius said with a wide smile.
“Why not?” Lily hissed at Sirius, causing a quick look of fear to come across his face.
Petunia was still screaming while Vernon gaped at the whale, aghast.
“Only Vernon can get rid of it, Lily-flower,” James explained, his own mischievous smile plastered onto his face.
“And…why…is…that…?” Lily said through clenched teeth, her wand now in a death grip.
James’s smile quickly disappeared when Lily’s wand emitted red sparks.
“You see”he uh”” James stumbled over his words, trying to explain.
“He has to win an arm wrestling match against it for it to disappear,” Sirius cut in, his confidence returning.
“WHAT?” Vernon, Lily, and Petunia shouted. Lily closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath.
“Lily! Do something! You’re a w-witch, fix this!” cried Petunia desperately.
“I can’t”these two bozos are the top of the year at Transfiguration. If they say it won’t go away until Vernon wins, it won’t. Your boyfriend is just going to have to win.” She shot a death glare at her boyfriend and his mate.
“It’s a whale!” Petunia shouted, “It can’t arm wrestle!”
“Actually it can; James made sure to include a human arm instead of a fin,” input Sirius.
Everyone turned to look at the whale which was unusually quiet. Sure enough, an arm”though as thick and muscular as its regular fin”was protruding from the whale’s body.
“I AM NOT ARM WRESTLING A WHALE!” Vernon bellowed, though his widened eyes never left the huge mammal.
“Why not? You’d be right at home”” began James before Petunia gave him such a glower that if looks could indeed kill, there would be nothing left of James.
“You fix this now, Lily,” Petunia said in a low, menacing voice.
“I can’t; tell your boyfriend to get a move on,” Lily shot back.
“GET THAT WHALE OUT OF HERE!”
“Petunia, get this through that thick lump you call a head! I-can’t-do-anything.”
Sirius was sniggering in the background, leaning on the whale. James looked at him, and Sirius winked. James shot him his own grin and glanced at Vernon’s astonished face. It would seem he still couldn’t grasp the idea that a whale was in a house.
Petunia looked livid, her breath coming out in angry huffs.
“Are we ready then?” James asked excitedly.
“What?” Vernon turned to look at the other occupants in the house. “You really expect me to arm wrestle that thing?” he asked almost weakly.
“Yep,” chorused James and Sirius proudly.
“No! I’M NOT ARM WRESTLING SOMETHING AS BARBARIC AS THAT!” Vernon screamed, the vein in his neck pulsing dangerously.
“Well, we already arm-wrestled our own whale”coughyoucough” so it’s only fair,” reasoned James.
“Petunia?” Vernon asked desperately.
“Just get this over with,” she replied in an angry voice.
Vernon gawked at her while the whale automatically squirmed its way to the table, its arm resting on it.
Lily looked at it in shock.
“How is it doing that?” she hissed at James.
“Sorry Lils, I can’t reveal Marauder secrets,” he replied with a furtive smile.
“You do know that you are so dead when we get back to your place, right?” she said with an overly sweet smile.
“Yep,” James answered with a wry grin.
“Good,” She leaned closer to James to whisper in his ear, “But I can’t help but to see”I mean it’s so obvious, but, can you see the family resemblance between Vernon and that whale? I mean it’s so apparent to me, but what do you think?”
James choked back a laugh, his eyes dancing with mirth.
“Yes, Lily flower, I can definitely see it. Maybe it’s his long lost cousin!” Lily bit her lip to stop from chuckling.
“Are you ready, Vernon?” Sirius asked, laughter spiraling through his eyes.
“No!”
“Fine…then you can explain to Mr. Evans why there is a whale in his house,” James said, shrugging.
Vernon glared at him though grudgingly moved closer to the coffee table that was already straining against the whale’s weight. Hesitantly, he kneeled opposite of the whale and placed his elbow on the table.
Sirius and James suppressed laughter at the sight of Vernon’s horrified face as he grasped the arm protruding from the whale.
“Ready,” Sirius said, shaking with more laughter, “Set, go!”
Immediately, Vernon and the whale tried to touch the other’s hand to the table.
“How is it doing that?” Lily asked again. “It’s a whale…it’s not supposed to be able to do that!”
“Yeah and dragons, much less magic, isn’t supposed to be real either, Evans,” Sirius snorted, his eyes never leaving the arm wrestlers.
Petunia stared at the sight in front of her unbelievingly. Vernon was arm wrestling whale! How could this be happening?
A minute later, Vernon began to tire and before long, his arm hit the table with a thump.
Sirius and James high-fived each other, laughing hysterically. Vernon glowered at the two before backing away from the whale.
Lily smiled at her boyfriend and his mate’s delight over their latest prank.
“We so have to do this to Snivellus, Sirius!” James laughed, wiping tears from his eyes.
“Oh! He won’t know what hit him!” The boys laughed even harder at the image of Snape arm wrestling a whale.
Suddenly, Sirius looked up and grinned. “Here Vernon,” he grabbed the bunny costume from a nearby chair. “Remember to say cheese when you smile for the camera.”
“I don’t have to do that! I beat you two!”
“Not so fast…the deal was if you beat every contestant the first time, then Sirius and I would lose. The whale was a contestant so you lose. Oh, and you have to arm wrestle the whale again and win if you want it out of here,” James said with a wicked grin.
Vernon just stood there, his mouth moving wordlessly.
Lily glanced at her sister to see her gripping the side of the couch in a deathly clutch. It seemed as if she was refraining from killing the two wizards in front of her.
“James,” she walked up to him to whisper in his ear, “As much as I love to see Vernon totally humiliated, I think you’d better get rid of the whale.” She gave him a stern look. “And I know you can transfigure it back, so don’t even start with me. Petunia looks like she’s going to murder you, and remember you’re sleeping over. All it would take is a kitchen knife for Petunia to kill you in your sleep.” James glanced at Lily’s sister to see the murderous glower on her face.
“Ok, Lils,” he agreed but in a resigned voice, “I’ll get rid of it.”
With a single wave, the whale was back to being a perfectly normal sitting chair. Sirius gaped at his best mate.
“PRONGS! Why did””
“But Vernon still has to wear the bunny costume!” James said to Lily, cutting off Sirius.
Sirius threw the costume to Vernon with an angry glare.
“Go get changed, Blubber,” Sirius said, looking at James furiously.
“No, I’m not wearing this stupid costume and you can’t scare me into doing it!” exclaimed Vernon.
Sirius just smirked at him.
Vernon suddenly sneered as Sirius just stood there, “See, I knew you wouldn’t do anything. You’re good-for-nothing, do you know that? I bet your own family can’t even stand the likes of you””
In an instant, Sirius’s wand was at Vernon throat, pressing into it as Petunia shrieked. Sirius growled, “Go get changed, or I swear I will kill you right here and now.”
Vernon slowly backed off, his face pale. Then, trying to regain his dignity, the beefy man stomped from the room with the bunny costume in hand. There was a period of silence until Petunia suddenly stood up, marching over to Sirius.
“If you ever threaten Vernon again, I swear I will kill you whether you have a wand or not,” Her livid voice had a slight tremble, however, giving away the fear she held inside for the man in front of her. But, pushing aside that terror, Petunia slapped the angered man, with a resounding sound, before treading from the room.
Sirius stood there in shock until Lily walked over to him, her eyes narrowed.
“It was a stupid prank, Black! Why are you mad over a stupid prank of all things? So what if James ruined your fun? You have the worst temper I have ever seen”” she started to shout.
“Look who’s talking,” Sirius muttered, rubbing his cheek.
Lily suddenly swung her hand back and slapped Sirius’s other cheek. He yelped in pain.
“What was that for?”
“A, for not keeping your temper in check, and over the stupidest thing too! And B, for smart mouthing me, you prat.” Lily glared at him, her hands on her hips. “Sirius Black one day you’ll actually end up trying to kill someone with that temper of yours!” With that, she marched from the room to calm herself.
Sirius glared at her retreating form before turning to James who had folded his arms across his chest.
“Why does Evans care if that piece of blubber lives or not?” he asked angrily, trying to soothe his aching cheeks.
“She doesn’t, but she cares about you enough to keep you from being arrested.” James paused for a second. “Padfoot, you’re not worked up over Vernon’s refusal to wear that costume, are you? It was his second comment wasn’t it?
“Why would you think that?” Sirius asked crossly, a guarded expression on his face.
“Padfoot, I know you better than that. I’ve been living with you for what eight years now? Now answer me truthfully. Was it Vernon’s second comment that set you off?”
Sirius looked up at James’s concerned face before collapsing on the couch and putting his face in his hands.
“Yes,” he murmured so quietly James almost didn’t catch it.
James walked over and sat next to his best mate, though he kept quiet.
“You know, Prongs,” Sirius laughed bitterly. “I hate my family”hate them with a passion”but sometimes, I mean, I wish,” Sirius took a deep breath, “Sometimes, I wish that I didn’t hate them. Why did they have to be such a bunch of bastards, Prongs? Why couldn’t I have a normal family? I have no one, Prongs, no one.”
James was quiet for a moment as he contemplated Sirius’s words before he replied. “You know Padfoot, you’re wrong.”
Sirius looked up at him in surprise, his eyebrows furrowed.
James continued, “You have a real family. You have me and Remus and Peter. Plus you have my mum and dad who, I’m pretty sure, like you more than me,” The corners of Sirius’s mouth twitched.
“Plus you have Lily, who really does enjoy your presence, Alice, Adrianna, and Frank. Sirius, you have a real family. You are my brother and always will be.”
Sirius was silent as James stopped talking. Each just stayed still for a moment, letting an unspoken promise pass between them.
“Prongs, I finally know why Evans and her sister are related…they both slap as if their hands were made of rocks,” James let out a burst of laughter and Sirius soon joined in.
Unnoticed, Lily was hovering by the doorway of the family room, having heard every word passed between the boys. A silent tear ran down her cheek, but she swiped at it quickly. Lily looked at the laughing friends and vowed a silent oath. Sirius will be part of our family. I swear on my life, I will make sure Sirius is a part of James’s and my family. He will never be alone.
With that, she watched as both boys calmed down enough to stop their laughter. She almost didn’t catch the quiet words that passed from Sirius’s lips. “Thanks, James.” James gave a swift nod before cracking a grin. “Get the camera ready; Vernon should be here soon.”
Lily saw James catch her eye, signaling her to come in. With a deep breath she floated into the room to sit on James’s lap as Sirius jumped up from the couch to locate the camera. James moved his lips to Lily’s ear and, in an undertone, said, “Don’t tell Sirius that you heard him. He doesn’t want people to know. Ok?”
Lily gave a subtle nod before whispering, “I won’t tell him.”
James smiled as Sirius yelled triumphantly, “I FOUND IT!” Lily gave her own grin before speaking softly to James, “I promise.”
**
Three rooms away, Petunia was trying to coax a livid Vernon to come out.
“Come on, honey; just get this over with. I’m as mad as you are right now, but the sooner you come out, the sooner you can change out of that ridiculous attire.”
“Petunia, I am not changing into this!”
“Vernon, you listen to me! That bloke in there is unbalanced! He threatened to kill you for Pete’s sake.”
“I am not wearing this sodding bunny suit!”
“Vernon, you get out here right now, or I will force you into that suit myself!” Petunia threatened, exasperated at the immaturity of the three teenagers in the living room and wanting to end their ridiculing of her boyfriend as quickly as possible.
She heard Vernon mumble darkly before he emerged from the bathroom in a purple bunny costume.
“Happy, now?” he grumbled.
Petunia just looked at him before turning back towards the family room. Vernon hesitated, and then followed her.
After many tears of laughter and a multitude of flashes from the camera, Vernon was able to change back into his normal clothes. Sirius, James, and Lily were still clutching their sides in laughter as Vernon tromped back into the room. Glares were sent from Petunia and Vernon at the chortling teenagers, but they ignored it. Finally, it receded into soft chuckles before stopping all together. Lily grinned once more at Vernon before turning towards Petunia.
“It’s about six o’clock. Why don’t we start dinner?” Petunia gave a brief shake of her head before following Lily into the kitchen, leaving Vernon in the clutches of two maniacal, mischief makers.
Questioning the Freak and the Whale by Phenioxsong22
Chapter Notes: Disclaimer: It's J.K.'s not mine