Welcome to the second edition of the Ravenclaw Quibbler! This month’s issue covers Halloween in both the magical and Muggle worlds. We hope you enjoy our exploration of the wizarding magazine often referred to as “rubbish” and “trite.” We find Luna’s favorite magazine a fascinating look into the wizarding world, and wish you happy reading as well!
spottedcat83
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/None
A strange new disease seems to be sweeping the Wizarding world. As of yet, healers have not given it a name, and in fact, when a reporter from The Quibbler confronted Healer Squigmark of Saint Mungo's, Squigmark laughed hysterically and commented, "You can't take a joke, can you? Better be careful what shops you visit in Diagon Alley!"
Another healer was overheard commenting, "Is that bloke from The Quibbler? Can he spell Q-U-I-B-B-L-E-R?"
And Healer Squigmark answered, "Can he spell P-R-A-N-K?"
But this new disease is no laughing matter, as those struck with it will attest. The latest sufferer is Kalema Spokes, 32, from Searchlight, Arizona, in the U.S. Spokes was in London visiting a cousin, Malfora Wiggins. On October 31, Spokes visited several shops on Diagon Alley, including Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions, Clementti's Fine Used Apparel, and Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, and when she returned to Wiggens' home that afternoon, Spokes was covered with mouldy-looking green warts.
"It's a disease," Spokes asserted to The Quibbler. "I think I picked it up at Madam Malkin's, and I don't think anybody should shop there anymore. Look at me; I can't even go out in public! How am I going to go to the Halloween ball at the Firkin's place looking like this? I think Madam Malkin owes me an apology, and I don't think she should charge me for that black robe I bought in her shop, because I won't even be able to go to the ball."
Madam Malkin states that nobody caught any kind of disease from her shop, and that Spokes ought to discuss the matter with the kids who own Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. When The Quibbler asked to examine Malkin's shop with a spiropikofliziscreemeter, Malkin responded by closing the door of her shop in the reporter's face and turning out the "closed" side of her open/closed sign.
The Quibbler wished to follow all leads, and the reporter visited Clementti's and Weasley's shops. The shop girl at Clementti's was going over the clothing on racks with a noisy apparatus that looked like a filbokrinker, and as she never turned this apparatus off, her answers to the reporters questions were, "We don't carry books here, sorry," and "We've got a few nice sets of dress robes left, sure, but you're a little too wide for what we've got."
The Quibbler spoke with Mr. Fred Weasley and Mr. George Weasley in their shop, Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, where customers were purchasing large numbers of small pumpkin-shaped candies which screamed at intervals. When Mr. Weasley and Mr. Weasley were asked about this new disease and the possibility that their shop could harbor it, they laughed loudly. "Now, really, does this look like a shop where people could pick up a bad case of green warts?" Mr. George Weasley asked.
The Quibbler will continue to observe these three shops, and will pay particular attention to Madam Malkin's and Clementti's Fine Used Apparel, as neither of these businesses answered our questions to our satisfaction.
Mind_over_Matter
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/None
We are all aware of the Muggle community’s crazy ideas concerning Halloween as a holiday. We have all heard about ridiculous traditions that seem to involve costumes, sweets, door-to-door begging of some sort and mysterious dances of yet unknown origin. For decades, Muggle customs have befuddled the Wizarding world, including those pertaining to Halloween, and we all put it down to a simple case of Muggle madness.
BUT IS IT?
New evidence has come to light, which suggests that everything we have been taught to believe is, in fact, false. Says Ms. Marinta Mimbleton of Kent, ‘I won’t tell you who first introduced me to the idea, but I have it from a trustworthy source that there is more to the customs and celebration of Muggle Halloween. They picked up our tradition of mutilating innocent pumpkins beyond repair, and there’s just got to be reasoning behind it… I can absolutely confirm that almost everything we take for ‘truth’ is more than a little dodgy.’
Researching the history of Muggle Halloween traditions brings up an intricate web of well-woven ‘facts’, referring to things such as the practice celebrating the dead.
BUT IS IT TRUTH?
The answer to this question is a resounding ‘no’. The Muggles can’t even agree whether the holiday is ‘All Hallows Day’ or ‘All Saints Day’! Clearly, a foul plot is afoot.
Thankfully, Ms. Mimbleton was able to shed some light onto the issue. ‘What you’ve got to understand,’ she explained to reporters, ‘is that Muggles are really… well, stupid! Halloween was invented by a wizard hundreds of years ago, along with the ridiculous traditions that come with it. You can bet Rufus ‘Immortal Blood-Sucker’ Scrimgeour is behind this one! My reliable source confirms that the entire creation of Halloween was just a ploy to trick Muggles and wizards alike into destroying their very own vegetables. First it was turnips, I feel sure it was mushrooms at some point, and now it’s pumpkins! The whole thing is just disgraceful, and the Ministry should be ashamed!’
Of course, this is not the first plot concocted by the Ministry to rob the world of vegetables that should rightly be eaten (or, failing that, go rotten and at least provide extra nutrients for the soil of our very own gardens).
Dating back over the past century, villainy against vegetables has been conducted by the very questionably trustworthy Ministry of Magic. Mr. Robert Roberts recalls:
‘I remember the Great Vegetable Heist of ’43. We didn’t think much of it to start with, but when your veggies started sprouting legs and skipping right out of the kitchen, you couldn’t ignore it! As it turns out, I think it was a curse, but I don’t know who was behind it “ it could have been Grindelwald or the Ministry, or maybe my ex-wife really is the villainess I always suspected her to be…’
No matter who was behind the Great Vegetable Heist of 1943, one can hardly avoid being suspicious, especially when considering the connection between that and other vegetable related crimes, and the Halloween pumpkin tradition that is sweeping the world. Thus, when you walk down a Muggle street lined with the shells of what once were perfectly good, sound pumpkins, remember the true nature behind this tradition, and perhaps we can combat against the Ministry’s endless lies.
An Editorial by Archie Niles Aberforth
myownmuggle
Ratings/Warnings:1st-2nd years/None
This year, as I prepare to light a great bonfire on All Hallow’s Eve, I will grieve for the loss and corruption of the most magical night known to the wizarding community. I speak, of course, of what is most commonly called Halloween. I should like to cite several examples of the Ministry of Magic, which have allowed the Muggle community to infiltrate and pollute our beloved night.
Muggles have adopted what they call costumes. They assume varying forms of wizard clothing or imitate the appearance of creatures such as Goblins, Inferi, or Ghosts and perform tricks or play games in pitiful attempts to cadge sweets from residents of their villages. I cannot fathom why Muggle parents allow and even encourage such inappropriate behaviour from their children! In many cases, these so-called tricks result in destruction. Magical children would never behave in such a manner.
Muggles have also stolen a number of symbols unique to the wizarding world. They believe, for example, that a witch wearing a pointed hat, seated astride a broom, is a symbol of evil. While we know that there are dark witches, any self-respecting witch or wizard knows it is not practical to wear such a hat while riding a broom. (Please see page 17 for a recent roster of known dark witches and wizards. Includes photographs of Death Eaters!) The Ministry of Magic has even allowed Muggles to adopt our most beloved custom of carving mangelwuerzels and turnips. Although the Muggles have managed to corrupt even this tradition by carving insignificant pumpkins. Muggles call them jack-o-lanterns. Little do they know that the namesake was a dark wizard named John Milford Malfoy who was sentenced to Azkaban several centuries ago for his trickery of the Wizards Council. (Please see our insert on pages 15 and 16 for the Malfoy Family Tree.)
My personal favourite, though, is other absurdities the Ministry has allowed the Muggle community to perpetuate. Muggles in Ireland sometimes sprinkle salt in the hair of their children to guard against evil. Everyone knows that a potion made from the essence of dittany and lovage is the proper precaution. Young Muggle women also apparently believe that if they are able to peel an apple in one long paring and throw it over their shoulder, the shape it takes will reveal the name of the man they are to marry. It must be the skin of a turnip, not an apple! Muggles in other countries place white stones near their fireplaces on Halloween night. If the stone remains in place the next morning, it is believed that the person who placed the stone will live another year.
My dear friends, we cannot allow the Ministry or the Muggle community to continue to perpetuate these myths as they are an aberration. So I beg you, my friends, light your bonfires on this night. Protect and celebrate our most sacred and honoured of all holidays.
An editorial by Ima Pickletoad
Gmariam
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/None
I’ve had it. I am tired of becoming an object of ridicule once a year. I am tired of seeing Muggles decorate their homes with spider webs and graves, of watching them dress up as witches and wizards, ghosts and goblins. I am offended, and I wholeheartedly move for the immediate cessation of that abominable holiday known as Halloween.
The Muggles have it all wrong: Halloween isn’t about dressing up, eating candy, and playing tricks. It used to be a solemn holiday, a day marking the thinning of the veil between our world and the next. It used to be a day for reinforcing the boundaries and protections that separated our worlds, and for setting store for the coming winter months. It was a time of quiet celebration, not of debauchery and mockery.
When did we become such laughing stocks? Why do Muggles delight in their pointed hats and warts? Why do they insist on black cloaks and wispy brooms? I myself am free of warts, prefer a beret as my head covering of choice, wear colorful robes and wouldn’t be caught dead with a Comet 260. Wizarding folk have become a source of amusement and merriment for the Muggles, and it is high time we stood up for our image.
The Ministry of Magic must end its shameless encouragement of this disgusting Muggle holiday. Every witch and wizard knows the Ministry has promoted Halloween as a cover-up for the truth, going so far as to invest thousands in costume shops and haunted houses across the country in an effort to steer the Muggles away from the wizarding community. The Ministry sits back year after year as horrible pranks are played each October on unsuspecting witches and wizards; last year my lovely home was debased with a combination of rotten eggs and toilet paper. As the Minister for Magic sits on his throne, counting the Galleons raked in from the Muggle obsession with candy, pumpkins, and something called silly string, the ordinary witch or wizard is left struggling with an image of themselves that is embarrassing and unhealthy.
I believe the Ministry should end its support of this baseless holiday. If the Ministry will not relent, then they must allow us to at least protect ourselves on this dark night and cast spells that will keep the Muggles and their insulting costumes and pranks away from our homes. We must not allow the Muggles to continue dressing as our most famous witches and wizards. We must not allow them to deface our history and our traditions as well as our homes. We must reclaim our image, our magic.
I once again move for the immediate end to the holiday known as Halloween, and hope all good witches and wizards will join me in calling for a restoration of traditional wizarding values.