Welcome to the third edition of the Ravenclaw Quibbler! This month’s issue was written to coincide with the start of a new year. We hope you enjoy our exploration of the wizarding magazine often referred to as “rubbish” and “trite.” We find Luna’s favorite magazine a fascinating look into the wizarding world, and wish you happy reading as well!
A review by T. Lovegood
Just Beyond the Veil
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/None
Our first feature of the New Year is a play that opened recently. Simply titled Harry: The Musical, this tale of Harry Potter’s life is told in song and dance. It stars Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger, and features dance routines choreographed by Rubeus Hagrid. The play starts with Harry’s childhood, before moving on to the new start he received when invited to go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Some original songs include:
“Me and My Cupboard” by Harry Potter
“No Good and Evil (Only Power)” by Professor Quirrel
“Let’s Fly the Car” by Ron Weasley
“I Am Lord Voldemort” by Tom Riddle
“Take That, Aunt Marge” by Harry Potter
“It Was Pettigrew” by Sirius Black
“Ferret Boy” by Mad-Eye Moody
“Give Me a Kiss” by the Dementor
“Dumbledore’s Army” by Hermione Granger
“The Ballad of Hagrid’s Trip” by Rubeus Hagrid
“Severus, Please” by Albus Dumbledore
“I Am the Half-Blood Prince (Dance Mix)” by Severus Snape
Tickets won’t last long, so I suggest you get a move on to watch the spectacular performances in this play.
The Quibbler’s review: “Two thumbs up! Make it your New Year’s resolution to go see this fantastic play!”
Chislarina
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/None
Two weeks ago, soon after Albus Dumbledore died, a sign in the stars appeared. It was, in fact, the mark of a Crumple Horned Snorkack. This shows that dark times lie ahead for endangered creatures, such as these precious beasts.
Dr A. Banana, Quibbler Creature Analysist, says more. "The Snorkack in the sky has a specific meaning, though the Ministry denies it, they have been watching these harmless creatures, deciding they might be a threat. All the readers know this isn't so, and a protest is being held in the Atrium of the Ministry on February 8th. If this fails, which all of us hope isn't so, will go to Diagon Alley, aiming for a Save the Snorkacks Expedition. In honour of the late Professor Dumbledore, we shall have a new beginning for these poor animals. We know he would want it."
This new beginning may just unite the wizarding population against You-Know-Who. This reporter certainly hopes so.
Gmariam
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/Alternate Universe
With the start of a new year, Cornelius Fudge, former Minster for Magic, has set off on a new career path, surprising all those who claimed he was a washed up old windbag. I recently had the opportunity to meet with Mr. Fudge before he left the country to begin his new endeavor, and spoke with him about his time at the Ministry, recent events at Hogwarts, and of course, his new business venture.
The Quibbler: Good morning, Mr. Fudge. Thank you so much for meeting with us today.
Cornelius Fudge: My pleasure, dear girl. My pleasure.
TQ: Let’s begin with the question everyone has been asking: why are you leaving the Ministry after so many years, and at such at terrible time for the magical community?
CF: Times may be dark, but it was the right time for me to leave. As you know, Rufus Scrimgeour has been Minister for over a year now. I’ve only been functioning as an auxiliary adviser of sorts. There are more than enough qualified wizards to take my place.
TQ: But I understand you had a close relationship with the Muggle Prime Minister. With the war against You-Know-Who, wouldn’t it be prudent to remain as a contact between the Wizarding and Muggle worlds?
CF: There are several Aurors who are well placed to continue that relationship. I’d prefer not to be the Ministry’s lackey anymore.
TQ: What do you make of recent events at Hogwarts this past June? Did the death of Albus Dumbledore influence your decision at all?
CF: I think it’s a terrible tragedy. The Wizarding world has lost a strong leader, a valiant protector. It did not, however, have anything to do with my decision to leave the Ministry.
TQ: I understand your venture has you leaving Britain. You’re not leaving the country in order to feel more safe now that Dumbledore is gone, are you?
CF: Of course not. I have every confidence in Minister Scrimgeour. I had been planning this career change for months before the horrible events at Hogwarts.
TQ: Let’s talk about this new career path.
CF: I am very excited about it.
TQ: I can see that. What made you decide to open a Wizarding resort in the Bahamas during such a difficult time?
CF: As I said, I had been mulling over the idea for quite a while. A prime piece of oceanfront property went for sale and it seemed the right moment for me to finally set out and give it the old Warthog try.
TQ: Warthogs?
CF: Sorry, an old school mascot. Please continue.
TQ: Tell us about your new resort.
CF: Absolutely. It’s going to be spectacular. We are designing it with a Quidditch theme. I’ve always been a bit of a fan myself. Each room will be decorated with the colors of famous teams from around the world. There will be a fully functional Quidditch practice pitch with trained wizards offering classes in riding, braking, guarding, Seeking, Bludgering – everything you could possibly think of.
TQ: What about those witches and wizards who are not so athletically inclined?
CF: We will have dozens of other available opportunities for them to relax and play. That’s what the Wizarding world needs, a place to get away from it all.
TQ: What are some of those activities, Mr. Fudge?
CF: There will be a spa for the witch who desires nothing more than to be pampered all day. There will be day camps for young witches and wizards, magic free of course. We are planning a magical creatures safari and field trips to observe local Muggles. There will be hippogryff trail rides and snorkeling with mermaids. Finally, there will be a four-star restaurant run by the finest house elf staff the world has seen to finish your fun-filled day.
TQ: We’ve heard rumors that your Quidditch Master is none other than Ludo Bagman, former Head of the Department of Magical Games and Sports.
CF: Ah, you’ve got good sources then. Yes, Ludo is coming aboard to run the Quidditch program.
TQ: Isn’t he wanted for gambling charges?
CF: I’m not at liberty to discuss his current legal status, except to say that we are currently negotiating a settlement with the proper authorities involved.
TQ: I see. Are you referring to Ministry officials or goblins?
CF: I am not allowed to comment.
TQ: When do you anticipate opening this resort, Mr. Fudge?
CF: We are hoping to break ground next month and welcome our first guests next year. Care to write an opening day review?
TQ: I’d love to, thank you.
CF: You are most welcome, my dear. I look forward to your visit!
And with that final comment, our interview concluded.
The Quibbler tried to contact Ludo Bagman to speak with him about his role in the new resort, but we were unable to find him. It is assumed that he is already in the Bahamas, avoiding both Ministry and goblin authorities. One does wonder why Cornelius Fudge would want to associate with a suspected criminal, but then he also denied the return of You-Know-Who for over a year, so his judgment has been questioned before. Still, the former Minister was right when he remarked that the Wizarding world needs a place to get away from it all, and this reporter looks forward to Flooing to the Bahamas next year to review his new resort, which I’m told shall be called: “The Golden Snitch - Resort, Spa, and Quidditch Pitch.”
~M. Marigold, reporter
helgaandgodric
Ratings/Warnings:1st-2nd years/Alternate Universe
Dear Mr. Lovegood or any other editor sort of person,
Rumors have reached out ears that none other than Ludo Bagman is going to be the Quiddich Master sort of fellow over at Mr. Fudge’s new resort. As honest and respected businessmen, and the first to have the idea to lighten up life now that You-Know-Who is back, we are fully against him acquiring the position.
Why, you ask, would two respectable gentlemen and former Beaters for Gryffindor such as us be writing against Mr. Bagman? Because of his gambling debts. We made two decisions the night of the Quidditch World Cup two years ago: the first being to gamble with Bagman, the other to bet that Krum would get the snitch and Ireland would win. Of course, we all knew that the statistics were low for that to happen, so Bagman eagerly agreed to the bet. However, when we were right, Bagman bailed on us. He paid us with Leprechaun gold, but in a few hours it had disappeared.
Ludo Bagman should not be working for Mr. Fudge, or anyone for that matter. He is not to be trusted with anything, even if goblins or other such people are being paid off. Bagman should be paying for his own mistakes, not having government officials fixing them. Just imagine what terrible things he could do to that little piece of potential heaven.
Sincerely,
Two Very Respectable Businessmen and Former Beaters, aka Fred and George Weasley
myownmuggle
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/Conspiracy Theories and Silliness
To the Editor of The Quibbler:
My dear Sir, as this New Year dawns upon us, I would like to take this opportunity to bring a very important matter to your attention. The Ministry of Magic is currently engaged in a conspiracy that is so widespread, the limits and outer reaches cannot be fathomed. Should the Muggle world learn the truth, the repercussions could be devastating to the entire wizarding community.
I am speaking, of course, of the Ministry’s recent decision to allow the goblins of Gringotts Bank to implant monitoring devices into our currency. Only this morning, I was forced to exchange my entire supply of newly minted Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts for older coins. It is impossible, you see, for these devices to be implanted in older coins. It must be done during the minting process.
The Ministry has no business monitoring my financial status or expenditures. Nor does the Ministry have any grounds for tracking my physical movements. For the love of Merlin, I run the wizarding world’s largest (and only, for that matter) turnip company! Without me, and my continued efforts to protect the industry from the Ministry’s ridiculous policies, the entire turnip industry in this part of the world would collapse.
But I digress, my dear sir. By allowing the Gringotts goblins to implant these monitoring devices into our currency, the Ministry is attempting to restrict our legal rights to free and unencumbered commerce and trade. Do you know why the Diagon Alley branch of Gringotts has dragons guarding the dungeons and vaults that can only be opened by certain goblins? To prevent ordinary witches and wizards from obtaining what is rightfully theirs – money! Personally, I believe this policy is an attempt by the Ministry to identify who is funding the activities of You-Know-Who and his supporters, also known as Death Eaters.
While I certainly support the downfall of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and his cronies, I cannot support the manner in which the Ministry is endeavoring to suppress the rest of the wizarding world. Had the Ministry listened to The-Boy-Who-Lived more than a year ago when he claimed that the most feared dark wizard our world has ever known had returned, we would not be in this position.
If the Ministry refuses to withdraw its ludicrous policy, we must refuse to allow ourselves to be intimidated into submission. I, for one, will be withdrawing all of my money from Gringotts and placing it in a specially constructed secret chamber, which lies underneath the pond in the garden at my personal residence. Prior to sealing my funds in this chamber, I will be deactivating all Ministry-owned devices by laundering the money thoroughly. I urge you all to do the same.
Sincerely,
Archie Niles Aberforth
Editor’s Note: Please see the reprint of our interview with Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, in our special insert.