Welcome to the fourth edition of the Ravenclaw Quibbler! This monthâs issue was written as part of an in-house challenge on the beta forums. The challenge was to write a short blurb for a well-known wizarding book. Following you will find the dust jackets of the books and novels found on the vaunted bookshelves of Ravenclaw Tower. We hope you enjoy this special edition of the wizarding magazine often referred to as ârubbishâ and âtrite.â We find Lunaâs favorite magazine a fascinating look into the wizarding world, and wish you happy reading as well!
Heâs Just Not Enchanted By You
Also published as A Love Potion Becomes Love Poison
By Philomena Goodhart
Are you dating a wizard whoâs become distant? Does it seem that whenever you want to âdefine the relationshipâ he suddenly dons an Invisibility cloak? Do you spend countless hours staring out the window or crouched in front of the fireplace waiting for a letter by owl or communication by Floo that never comes? Do you find yourself making excuses for his thoughtless behaviour? âWell, itâs a busy time at the Ministryâ, or âHeâs traveling in Africa on business for Gringottâs - canât expect an owl to make that journey in a day or two.â
If any of the above sounds uncomfortably familiar, then this is the book for you. As you go through each chapter, I will show you the tell-tale signs that although heâs got you spell-bound, heâs nowhere near ready to make that Unbreakable Vow.
Here are just a few examples:
Chapter One (Has Your Relationship Been Given The âDementorâs Kiss'?)
~Explores soulless relationships that no longer have depth and meaning.
Your dates have become an endless, mindless series of meeting, eating, and leaving.
Chapter Five (He Rates His Mates Over Your Dates)
~ discloses what it means when he has more time to sit around
drinking Ogdenâs Finest discussing the latest Quidditch news with his mates than he has time to spend with you.
Chapter Eleven ( His Alohomora has turned to Colloportus)
~divulges why he suddenly seems to be closed off to you,
compared to how open he was in the beginning of the relationship.
Take my advice: A clever witch knows when it's time to Disapparate. With my help, you can set aside that Draught of Living Death and instead choose to drink the Elixir to Induce Euphoria!
A new, exciting love is waiting out there - donât hold fast to Derrick Dull when you should be with Martin Marvelous - you deserve better!
18a Diagon Alley, London
editor Augustus Worme
ÂŁ20.00
What Muggles Will Do�
by Elggum Revol
The sequel to the bestselling âWhat Muggles Would DoâŚ?â
Ever wondered what Muggles will do to achieve the most trivial tasks? How many of them does it take to change a âlight bulbâ? Why do they have roads, and then insist on crossing them?
Well, this book answers them all, from the uttermost trivialities like âquantum physicsâ to the most complicated tasks like âironing.â We answer questions like:
âWhat Muggles will do to get a clean shirt?â (âWashingâ and âironingâ)
A âwashing machineâ is very simple really, it comprises of... Next drying, though why they canât do this all at once we shall never understand, a âtumble dryerâ⌠And finally the âironâ, this simple device uses the theory of heat to wrinkle clothingâŚ
âWhat Muggles will do to fly?â (âAeroplanesâ)
An âaeroplaneâ is a large vehicle; the aim is that of a flying carpet, to move many people from one place to another⌠Of course they are not happy about this and many think âfossil fuelsâ are running out, like the âoilâ used to power its enginesâŚ
âWhat Muggles will do to light their homes?â (âLight bulbsâ)
Instead of using candles like sensible people, Muggles insist on using âlight bulbsâ... They believe this to be a step forwardâŚ.
âWhat Muggles will do to impress the neighbours?â (âSports carsâ)
Muggle men seem fascinated by noisy âmachinesâ in different colours; the most evident is the âsports carâ⌠Even name them, Ferrari, Mustang, Aston Martin âŚ. Of course the one with the larger engine is considered the dominant male in most circlesâŚ
And of course the ever important question, âWhat Muggles will do next?â What absurd contraption will they create to âmove forwardâ into the twenty-first century? We ponder these questions and many more in this fantastic book.
(WARNING: Do not try anything in this book at home, all of the theories and research have been done by trained wizards)
Unseen: The Remarkable Story of the First Invisibility Cloak Revealed
by Newt Scamander
Tegus Scamander was an ordinary wizard with a taste for adventure. In 1707 he set off to discover the legendary beast now known as the Demiguise. Rumored to be an ape-like creature with the power of invisibility, the Demiguise had never been confirmed by reputable sources, and remained a myth among the magical community. Scamander traveled to the Far East to try and track down the elusive beast and thus prove or disprove its mysterious existence to the wizarding world.
He found much more than the Demiguise: he found his lifeâs calling, and the path to fame and fortune. After six months of fruitless searching, Scamander finally met the shy creature in a clearing of an overgrown forest. The scene is described as a startling encounter between wizard and beast:
Finally, he heard it: a soft snuffling from nearby, though he could see nothing within the clearing. Quickly he cast the new spell. âApperio!â he whispered, and waited. To his amazement, a dark form slowly revealed itself within the clearing. It was sitting on the forest floor placidly chewing on a stalk of bamboo. It did indeed resemble an ape, except that its long silver hair seemed to shimmer as if barely visible. The creature looked up and saw Tegus, and for one moment their eyes met and connected. When the creature realized that Tegus could see it, the strange animal opened its mouth and cried out in a frightened wail that forced Tegus to cover his ears. The animalâs long silver hair suddenly fell to the ground in soft clumps, and it tore off into the forest, obviously terrified. (Scamander, 245)
After the animal fled, Scamander was left with a pile of strange fur. Apparently the creature shed its hair at the smallest provocation. He immediately noticed the magical properties of the fur: it was the silvery hair of the animal itself that lent the creature its invisibility. He christened the animal the Demiguise.
Scamander quickly realized the potential possibilities inherent in the silvery fur. He also realized the disaster that might result for the gentle creatures should his discovery become widely known. For ten years Scamander kept the invisible hair a secret, all the while traveling back to the Far East to startle more Demiguises and gather their magical fur for study. He did not once harm the creatures, but collected the fur they dropped in fear.
After years of complex spellwork and weaving, Scamander finally developed the first Invisibility Cloak. He immediately went to the International Confederation of Wizards and secured two decrees: one protecting the Demiguise from illegal hunting, the other stipulating that only he and his family would be privy to the secrets of the Invisibility Cloak. As word spread of Scamanderâs creation, demand increased as well. Tegus Scamander became a wealthy wizard and lived a century in peaceful retirement as his descendants continued the family business.
The secrets of creating an Invisibility Cloak remain closely guarded, and although Scamanderâs struggles to find the Demiguise and develop the cloak are well detailed in this lengthy book, for obvious reasons the exact method for creating one remains unknown. The story is fascinating enough without revealing the familyâs trade secrets. Newt Scamander, author of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and a member of the famous family, weaves an exciting tale of suspense and success into one manâs story of discovering not only the secrets of the Demiguise, but the secrets of his destiny.
âHighly recommended! Newt Scamander has done his family proud!â â“ Witch Weekly
âAn in-depth and well-written look at one of the most mysterious of magical items.â â“ The Daily Prophet
âThis is a must-read for any student of magical creatures, or anyone who enjoys a good bit of history.â â“ Wilhemina Grubbly-Plank, magical creatures expert
âA most enjoyable book, I will certainly recommend Mr. Scamanderâs work to both my students and fellow colleagues.â - Albus Dumbledore, former Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Truly Terrific Turnip Treats
A New and Exciting Cookbook for the Modern Witch
by Archie Niles Aberforth
Whatâs a modern witch to do with the wizarding worldâs favourite root vegetable? Look no further! Archie Niles Aberforth, president of the only wizard-owned turnip company (R.C. Turnips, Ltd.), regales readers and educates eaters with tasty tales and rousing recipes.
An excerpt from Truly Terrific Turnip Treats:
I happened to be strolling through the experimental turnip cross-pollination field one day when I encountered a very odd man. He was dressed in very fine wizard robes and was examining himself in a hand-held mirror. I paused before reaching the man, as I was very naturally concerned that he was from our rival company (D.L. and Fellows Turnips) and here to steal a seedling from our latest batch of newly planted turnips. Now Iâve worked very hard on perfecting this lot and have babied them since they were planted as seeds. It was near to impossible to convince the family of Umgubular Slashkilters to take up residence in the patch and provide the most important ingredients for the turnip life cycle.
Imagine my surprise when the gentleman lowered his mirror and introduced himself as Gilderoy Lockhart!
Reviews for Truly Terrific Turnip Treats:
âAn outstanding piece of writing by Mr. Aberforth! I particularly enjoyed his re-enactment of his first meeting with yours truly.â ~ Gilderoy Lockhart
âMost interesting. I have made extensive use of Mr. Aberforthâs recipes, and my family has not been the same since!â ~ Molly Weasley
âSimply unbelievable. The most unique piece of literature I have ever seen.â ~ Madam Sprout, Professor of Herbology
âWhoever gave this book to Mum: we have a very special gift to give in return. Please contact Weasleys Wizard Wheezes for more information.â ~ Fred and George Weasley
Who Are You?
by Gilderoy Lockhart
Are you a troubled teen or a going through your mid life crisis? Has your memory been erased and you cannot remember who you are? Do you just love anything written by me, Gilderoy Lockhart? If you answered yes to one or more of the questions then this book is for you!
Inside Youâll Find:
⢠A timeline explaining each and every trend that will help you conform to society.
⢠Interviews from the most influential people in the wizarding world; Lord Voldemort, Albus Dumbledore, and even Neville Longbottom!
⢠A list of Muggle trends that will be sure stop them from being afraid of our magical abilities!
Speaking of magic. If you cannot remember how to perform perfect charms, or if you dearly need help with performing simple spells, this book is still for you! We signed an exclusive contract with Kwik Spell. It will have you up and performing magic in no time! Who says you need wizarding boarding school when you can read neon parchment with step-by-step instructions on Transfiguration?
We also have psychiatrist-in-a-book! Itâs quite handy. If you read this book while emotionally or mentally unstable and you feel you are going to go over the deep end, no worries! Just press the big button on the inside cover of the book. The button is bright red and says âIn case of an emergency click for support.â Within seconds a holographic fully trained psychiatrist will pop out of the book and you will get the help you need right away!
Along with the wonderful advice and learning tools in this book we have yet another reason for you to read, âWho Are you?â Not only is every book hand signed by the fabulous me, Gilderoy Lockhart, but you will also have a preview from my next book, âHow to Make Your True Love Fall in Love With You.â It has simple and legal ways to make your true love realise his or her love for you.
Enjoy this divine and life-changing book by me, Gilderoy Lockhart!
This book is in no way accountable for any person/s bursting into flame after pressing big red button or dissatisfaction with magical abilities after Kwik Spell course.
Charming Charms for Charmers
by R.M. Harouc
Charming Charms for Charmers is a compendium of the best and most up-to-date essential Charms as well as a book about them. R.M. Harouc loves a good Charm, as well as a good laugh, but as an expert in his field, he is also interested in how Charms work, why they work, and when they donât.
Charming Charms for Charmers: more humorous than other Charms books, more charming than other humour books. R.M. Harouc combines two major gifts: he is both a distinguished Charmer and a quite exceptional analyst of the Charms of othersâŚ.
The result is a book which opens doors and offers a wealth of insight.
"Harouc is an ardent Charmer, keen to offer us a glimpse of how charms are crafted and to have us dwell rather longer on their effects."
- Professor Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
"Befitting its subject, this study of Charms is ... light, funny, and thought-provoking.... Entertainment and ideas in one almighty package."
- Llewellyn Williams, Evening Prophet
"Reading Charming Charms for Charmers makes you feel that being genial is the most profound thing we ever do - which is something Charms also make us feel - and that doing Charms is as natural as being amused."
- Anonymous
"A lucid and rubbish-free study of the remarkable fact that we divert each other with Charms meant to make us laugh.... And illuminating study, replete with killer jokes. If you studied Charms at school this will bring back fond memories, but even newcomers will be captivated by this witty and entertaining book.â
- Professor HÊlène CarrÊ, AcadÊmie de Magie Beauxbâtons
R.M. Harouc is a former Charms Professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and advisor to the Ministry of Magic's Magical Law Enforcement Squad.
Instruction and Management for the Magical Classroom:
Century Tested Strategies
by: Ben Thire and Don Thutt
Are you tired of your students charming notes to each other, or sending magical ânotesâ flying in the middle of your boring lecture? Have you had enough of students mouthing off and giving you âwittyâ replies to your sarcastic undertones? Are you feeling the burn that comes from being an educator?
Take it from us â“ weâve been there, and done that! Got the Muggle T-shirt!
With this book on classroom discipline youâll improve the behavior of your students dramatically by implementing time-tested strategies that have been practice by teachers as old are dirt. The strategies here have been developed in an agonizingly antiquated manner which is aimed at old-school professors who reminisce of the good olâ whip.
Inside you will find:
~Identifying unwanted behaviors, and petty annoyances: How to Make it Appear like Itâs Their Fault
~Legal Behavior Modification Techniques in Practice
~Negative Reinforcement and its Upside
~Drills, Tedious Homework, and Other Mind-Boggling Ways to Keep your Students Busy And Out of your Hair
~Legal Non-Verbal Spells You can Use as Punishment
~Setting Objectives and Providing Feedback In an Efficient Manner
~Muggle Teaching Methodologies â“ Give âem a try!
~Detention that Works â“ How to Really Make them Suffer for Being Insufferable Know It-Alls and Arrogant Gits
~Merlin Code: Whatâs Legal and Whatâs Not â“ Know your Educator Rights!
~How to Deal with the Snotty Rich Kids
~If all Else Fails: Take your Revenge
âI cannot believe this rubbish got published.â â“ Minerva McGonagall, Headmistress of Hogwarts School for Wizardry and Witchcraft
âI particularly like the chapter on Detention that Works, very creative methods are provided.â â“ Severus Snape, Former Potions Professor (currently residing in Azkaban)
âIâve been practicing the Legal Non-Verbal spells for years now.â â“ Igor Karkaoff, Former Head of Durmstrang (quoted prior to being found dead due to unknown causes)
âFive Snitches (out of a possible 100.)â â“ The Daily Prophet
DimWit Publications
20b Diagon Alley
London
Lost to Oblivion
Would this author be lying if she said she knew everything about the past? Of course she would! Why search for the truth when you can have a wonderful fantasy? There are some things that should just remain mysteries and myths! Legends should be loosened from our shelves not banished to the back of the closet!
Which is why I have tracked down several myths and legends once lost to wizards and witches alike! Amongst these pages you will find:
Dark Night
A wonderful tale of a wizard named Eddy, prophesized to kill his father and marry his mother. He later stabs out his own eyes after finding a truth hidden by dramatic irony.
Remi and Romi
The story of two brothers who fought to the death over who would own their city.
Cassie the Bewildered
A woman who only spoke the truth but was never believed tells the final moments of her burning city.
As you can see these delightful stories bring happiness to every home!
Magical Me
by Gilderoy Lockhart
*inside cover*
Introduction
(Forward by Gilderoy Lockhart)
Hello, my dear fans, hello. Judging by the fact that you have picked up this book--and, assuming, of course, that you have not been living in a cupboard for the past few years--I am confident that you already know who I am: Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class.
My accomplishments are many and varied: Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, for example.
But as you all know, I am a humble man; I hate to brag. I would much, much prefer telling my fans about my many other achievements, achievements that have changed and enriched lives: for example, my triumphs over Yetis, Werewolves, Vampires, and Trolls, Ghouls, Hags, Banshees, and more.[Footnote]
However, here is not the place for me to do so. I have written many books that my fans can consult, should they wish to read about my heroic acts... no, this book--Magical Me, by Gilderoy Lockhart--is my long-awaited autobiography.
So please, my faithful fans, read on. This autographed, limited edition copy of Magical Me features full-color, never-before-seen photographs of yours truly, as well as interesting bits of facts and trivia about myself. Nowhere else will you find a more complete, more well-written account of my life. I truly hope that you will enjoy my book.
Sincerely,
Gilderoy Lockhart
To write to Mr. Lockhart directly, please send a self-addressed owl to:
Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart
C/O Brunhilda Wemmington, Secretary
Footnote: To read about the aforementioned events, and more, please feel free to consult my other published works: Break with a Banshee; Gadding with Ghouls; Holidays with Hags; Travels with Trolls; Voyages with Vampires; Wanderings with Werewolves; and Year with a Yeti.
The Grisly Noodles
by Alastor Moody
In 1922, eighteen Ministry of Magic employees, from a janitor all the way up to the Secretary for Magical Education, died in terrible agony. For decades, friends and family have suspected foul play, but investigators were unable to find any motives or methods that linked all eighteen deaths.
Until now. Retired Auror Alastor Moody has applied his keen mind to these mysterious deaths, and has painstakingly interviewed hundreds of witnesses and family members, combed through thousands of documents ignored since the 1920s, and applied his considerable background as an Auror to these mysteries. Mr. Moody concentrates his investigation on the one clue that links all eighteen deaths: various noodle casseroles, consumed in different recipes, at different times, and under eighteen very different circumstances. Mr. Moody has considered nuances and scoffed-at statements, and has assembled a fascinating, but believable, theory of who committed these atrocious murders, how this person accomplished the killings, and most importantly, why the murders were carried out against such a diverse group of people. Mr. Moody's conclusions will amaze, enlighten, and shock you.
"Pure balderdash," Ministry officials scoff.
However, "A thoughtful, insightful look at a long-ignored and very disturbing part of British wizarding history," Mr. Lovegood, editor of The Quibbler states.
"An interesting read," says Corky Fleasfull, book reviewer for the Daily Prophet. "This book should be on the bookshelf of every intelligent witch and wizard."
224 Rockyness Lane
Spuzzum, British Columbia
Canada
Turnips for Dummies: A Guide to Ravenclaw, fresh out of the garden!
by Issac Hory
Have you just gotten sorted? Need some information on your house? Well, no fear--we have a Dummy's book for Ravenclaw! Includes an in-depth essay on 'Why we are Turnips' by renowned Heida Jam, analysis on the house colours by Ulyssus Or, and a discussion on the stereotype of Ravenclaws being smart, with points of view from members of other houses. Good for laughs, but it does have a serious air when talking of the House Founder. Says the author, "I wanted my readers to know that Rowena Ravenclaw is not a joke, even if the rest of the book is taken as that."
By Issac Hory
This edition of the Hogwarts Houses Series discusses what it takes to be a Gryffindor, with a foreword from Godric Gryffindor (written circa 1500) and mostly the same features as Turnips for Dummies. Need some information on the House Ghost? In this book, we give you an in-depth history of Nearly Headless Nick and more!
By Issac Hory
Green and silver win it all. For the cunning and the wise, this book on Slytherin includes maps of the common room and the Chamber of Secrets. Part of this book is also a Parseltongue dictionary! The 'Why we are better' essay by Ursula Mann is an interesting read, and even Lola Purcell gets a word in edge-wise on the Quidditch aspect of Slytherin!
By Issac Hory
For the kind and generous badgers of Hufflepuff comes the help book all first-years need! How to bring out the most in your seven years of being a Hufflepuff, and how to promote inter-House unity, is detailed in this edition of the Hogwarts Houses series.
All four editions are 20 galleons at Flourish and Blotts
EXTRA! EXTRA!
Want all four of the Hogwarts Houses books? In the special edition, all four books have been combined for you to get the most out of Hogwarts! It gives you detailed information on all four houses, plus random facts about Hogwarts and its founders. 40 galleons at Flourish and Blotts.
Poetry, Poems, and Rhyming for Nitwits
by Adel Ide
Are you stuck with the old âLetâs give homemade gifts this year,â but have no talents what-so-ever? Or maybe you need a poem to win back your loved one. Or perhaps you just really want to get into poetry. If any or all of those describe you, then this newest addition to Adel Ideâs âFor Nitwitsâ series is what you need. In this book, Adel Ide teaches you different types of poems, how to rhyme, spells to conjure inspiration, how to get inspiration the Muggle way, and the best ways to present your poem for whatever you need to write one for.
This book also includes a section on poetry of the great Wizarding poets, such as Subla Erodelbmud, Mare Odders, and Molly Welch, as well as tips on analyzing their poems. By speaking about the âsymbolism of Tomâ (page 317) in Subla Erodelbmudâs famous poem âThe Death of Memory,â or who the red haired woman is who haunts all of Mare Odderâs poems, you will be sure to impress your friends or spouseâs book group. (Poems and analysis guides contained within include: âThe Death of Memory,â âMy son,â âGreen Eyes,â and âTook âTil Seventh Yearâ.)
What Adel said in her interview with Karen White: âI want my readers to know that if they are poetically challenged than there is a book for them. My previous How-To books have all been directed towards those challenged in other areas of life: âCooking for Nitwits,â âDealing with the Ministry for Nitwits,â âActing like a Muggle in Public for Nitwits,â and âForeign Wizards for Nitwitsâ are the most famous and best received books out of the forty-eight in the series. This one is directed more towards those who are looking on starting a new hobby.â
For those looking for the other forty-seven books in Adel Ideâs collection, simply visit any wizarding book shop or visit Poorly Publicated Publishers at 500 Diagon Alley.