The next afternoon, Harry and Ron were seated on either side of Hermione, and they were both pretending to revise. The library was full of other seventh years, who were also preparing for their N.E.W.T.s. Harry was staring at Potions ingredients that swirled before his eyes, his thoughts drifting to Sirius, and what he might be doing, now that he could enjoy his freedom.
“Ahem.”
Harry’s heart flipped over in his chest at the sound, and he looked up to see Luci standing directly before him.
“I was told I’d find you here,” she smiled.
He catapulted from his seat, knocking a book to the floor, much to Hermione’s disgruntlement.
“You’re early!” he exclaimed as he rushed to the other side of the table.
She threw her arms around him and chirped, “Couldn’t stay away.”
He kissed her, and those delightful sparks began to nip at every nerve in his body. Her mouth was soft and warm, and it felt like home…
A teasing whoop came from somewhere in the room.
And then Harry remembered, and he stepped away.
“What’s wrong?” Luci asked immediately, in tones of slight panic.
“What’s wrong is you lot snogging in public places,” muttered Ron.
Hermione hissed, “Ronald!”
His eyes still on Luci’s, Harry said, “There’s something I need to tell you.”
She frowned. “I’m listening.”
“We should sit down,” he suggested.
The two of them joined Ron and Hermione at the table, and Luci asked, “How are you guys?”
“Eh,” spat Ron.
Hermione shook her head. “Don’t mind him. Things are getting better.”
Ron glared but made no effort to contradict her.
Straight away, Harry proceeded to inform Luci about his conversation with Aberforth. She listened attentively until he was finished, and then she said, “Well, that explains the scar. But it doesn’t change anything, does it?”
Tilting her chin, Hermione agreed, “She’s kind of right, actually.”
Harry shook his head in bemusement. “But I’m… I’m…”
“What? Broken?” prompted Luci.
“Yes,” he sighed, “and… disgusting and tainted…”
She was raising an eyebrow at him. “Harry, it doesn’t change who you are and it doesn’t change the past. I understand why it bothers you, but you’re acting like one simple new truth has turned the world on its axis.”
“She’s got a point,” said Hermione. “You’re free and unburdened now; enjoy it!”
“Don’t you two get it?” barked Ron. “He feels dirty and that’s the problem.”
Harry glanced at Ron in surprise but then concurred, “That’s exactly the problem.”
Luci reached for his hand under the table, and he could feel heat radiating between them. They really hadn’t had a suitable greeting.
“Listen, you were thrown into a fate that wasn’t of your choosing. And awful things have happened to you. To all three of you. But you can’t stew over what can’t be changed. You have to go forward.” She squeezed his fingers. “We have to go forward.”
“You really aren’t… revolted by me?”
She laughed. “I could never be revolted by you! You’re my heart.” She stopped and glanced at Ron and Hermione, mumbling an embarrassed, “Sorry.”
Ron looked perfectly revolted enough for all of them, but Hermione smiled and piped, “Ron, we should let them be alone.”
“Actually,” began Luci, “I have some… well, bad news of my own. More upsetting than bad, I guess.”
The three of them looked expectantly at her.
“I can’t stay at the Malfoy Mansion, so I’m getting an apartment.”
“That’s good news,” said Hermione questioningly.
“Well, you haven’t heard my reason… Um.” She pressed her lips together. “Draco told me that Narcissa set us up. At the Ministry. When my father got out of Azkaban, the two of them rallied together, tried to get back into Voldemort’s favor. She staged Draco’s kidnapping “ Draco had nothing to do with it, by the way “ and told Voldemort that you’d come for him, Harry, because you cared about me. Nothing got past her, apparently. So. Of course, the point of it all is that it was my fault. I should have known that it was a trap. So, because of me, Ron, you’ve lost your mother and your brother and I will live with that guilt for the rest of my life. I’d do anything to take it b“”
“Luci, stop.” Ron had tears in his eyes, but he was staring firmly at her. “Everyone in my family… they’re fighters, and they were going to end up in a battle with Voldemort no matter what. We all were. So don’t be so arrogant as to think you had that much influence.”
Her eyes darkened, wounded. “Right… Right. Of course not.”
“Ron!” Harry and Hermione said in unison.
“What? I’m trying to make her feel better.”
“We’ll go,” Luci offered, releasing Harry’s hand and standing. “This place is far too public for snogging anyway.” She forced a smile towards Ron, but he disregarded her.
“See you later,” Harry said to his best friends, and he stood too. He entwined his fingers with Luci’s again and then led her from the room.
“Have fun,” Hermione called after them.
When they were out of ear shot, Harry asked immediately, “Your heart?”
A wash of color rose from beneath the neck of Luci’s shirt. “Sorry… that just… popped out.”
“No, I like it.”
“So Ron,” she breathed. “Wow.”
“I know,” sighed Harry. “Can’t blame him, I guess.”
“Just didn’t know how much he hated me.”
“He doesn’t hate you. He hates everyone and everything. He’ll… get back to normal eventually.”
“I hope so,” Luci said. Then she carried on to tell him that her own “Ron,” whose actual name was Josh, of course, had also been quite hostile to her.
When they had reached a deserted corridor, they finally had their suitable greeting. Then they strolled within the castle for a long while, Luci claiming that it was far too cold to go out onto the grounds. She went over the events of the previous week, how her friends had been very upset, how her mother was attempting to transfer her job, how she’d rushed through all of her tasks so that she could get back to him sooner. Harry had shown her the Room of Requirement, which, for the pair of them, transformed into a replica of the drawing room at Grimmauld Place. Here, he had gone into further detail about his visits with Aberforth and Professor Dumbledore, and she had asked him if he still had nightmares. He had been briefly stunned, until he remembered telling her about the nightmare late one night in the genuine drawing room. As they had both been pretty drowsy at the time, she must have really been paying attention. To her question, he had merely said, “Every night,” and changed the subject, failing to mention that he’d now developed a new nightmare, wherein his body was still housing the Horcrux and Voldemort was using him to return again.
Ultimately, they had ended up in front of the Fat Lady’s portrait. The hallway was uninhabited, so Harry seized another opportunity and wrapped his arms around Luci.
“Hi,” he said.
She giggled at him. “Hi.”
“Do you wanna come in and see the Common Room?”
“Some other time,” she answered. “I need to“ Well, I have someone else to visit too.”
Smugly, but as casually as he could, he said, “Yes, but you came to me first.”
She shook her head in mock irritation, smiling. “Don’t gloat.”
“I’ll try,” he replied reluctantly. “It’ll be packed in there, so I’d better send you off out here.”
“Ooh, what kind of send off?”
He simply grinned and kissed her again, gripping her waist and pulling her body closer to his. She made a low hum in the back of her throat and deepened the kiss, more intensely than he had ever experienced. Passion ignited in his blood, flowing throughout his entire body. In visceral response, a faint moan escaped his lips, and Luci abruptly pushed him away. It was like being brought up from beneath warm water.
“What?” he panted, dazed.
“We’re in a hallway,” Luci answered matter-of-factly.
“Oh. Right.” He’d forgotten. Had his feet even been in contact with anything solid? He wasn’t sure.
“Talking,” she said, the word a breathy wisp. “That’s what we need to be doing “ talking.”
“Talking?” protested Harry. “Why?”
“Because it’s… harmless.” She was attempting to come off as unaffected, but her cheeks were flushed.
“Trust me, it’s not,” he responded in disappointment.
“Sorry,” she said, clenching her jaw. “Guess I’d better go. I’ll be back soon, OK?”
“OK,” he replied, his breath still short.
Then she was gone, and he turned to the Fat Lady and commanded, “Oddment.”
Stepping through the portrait, Harry was greeted by Hermione, who chirped, “How was your afternoon?”
“Brilliant,” he said happily.
“She’s good for you,” she went on. “Look at that grin, Ron.”
Ron glanced up. “Sorry I was such a prat to your girl.”
Harry laughed. “She understands. Doesn’t hold it against you.”
“I was thinking,” said Hermione.
“Uh, oh,” Harry smiled.
“Oh, shut up, Harry,” she snapped affably. “About your parents’ graves. You never went, did you?”
“Nope.”
“Well, if we use the Pass, we can leave the school. Go pay them a visit. Next time Luci’s here, if she’ll let us borrow it again.”
“Of course, she will,” said Harry, “but you realize she’s coming, as well, right?”
“That’s your decision,” she nodded.
“It bothers you?”
“Not at all,” said Hermione, and he believed her. “She’s part of your life now. And there’s just something in the way that you look at her. She… comforts you, I think. In a way that no one has before. It’s… Well, it’s good to see, Harry.”
“Yeah,” he responded simply, his cheeks warming. Then, “What are you studying now?”
“Charms,” griped Ron, “and I swear, I’m about to give it all up and go apply for a job with Fred and George!”
Harry had received an owl from Luci, asking him to meet her in the Astronomy Tower a few days later. He had returned Hedwig with a note refusing the location and requesting another place, any place else. But she had never sent word back to him, so when the afternoon arrived, he trudged up to the Tower. He intended to beckon her out of the room from the doorway, because he had no intention of setting foot in that place ever again.
When his eyes fell upon her, she was gazing out the window, her back to him.
“Why here?” he asked.
She turned to face him. “Hi,” she grinned.
“Why here?”
“Because you needed to come back,” she answered. “To get rid of the nightmares.”
He shook his head at the realization that she could still make him angry. “That’s not your call to make, Luci. You can’t just drag me up here and expect me to be ready for something just because you think I should be.”
She blinked, taken aback. “I didn’t mean… It’s just the only thing that you haven’t come to terms with. I thought you might like the opportunity...”
Frowning, he demanded, “What the bloody hell would make you think that? I watched someone I loved fall from that window and die!”
Pain spread over her features. “You… you’re kind of getting closure in a lot of places, and I thought… I guess I was wrong. I’m sorry. But… neither of us can go forward the way that we… were. I haven’t been whole, because I’ve hated myself too much, and I want to give you someone who is whole. Someone who can love you the way that you deserve to be loved.”
Harry drew in a long breath. Her methods were never ideal, but it was very clear that she did love him. He pushed the anger aside and continued to listen assiduously.
“We were talking about trying to forgive ourselves, so when I was at home, I went to the place where I slit my wrists. And I sat there. For hours and hours. Crying and trying to figure out how to forgive myself. Finally, I just promised that I’d do it eventually. And… the other day, after I left here, I went to see my father, and I told him that I’d forgiven him. And I don’t know how true it is yet, but I’ve decided to do it. I’ve decided to leave the past… in the past. To turn my back on regret. So that you and I, we can just… be together, be happy. But when you told me you were still having nightmares, I knew that you needed to face your demons too. It’s just too soon, I guess…”
“No, you’re right,” he sighed, and he knew that she was. “I do have to face it eventually… and forgive Dumbledore and Snape and myself and your git brother… all of us.”
“I shouldn’t have rushed you. Or surprised you.”
“You tend to go about things the wrong way.”
Luci turned her eyes down disgracefully.
“But I know that you have good intentions,” he added gently.
She nodded but didn’t respond.
His teeth gritted, Harry stepped into the room and moved towards her. Aching immediately materialized in his chest, and he envisioned that evening, everyone in the room, the nightfall… and suddenly, it really was dark outside, and there was a warm summer breeze…
Luci took his hand when he reached her. “That nightmare “ you were looking down from the window, yeah?”
He nodded and moved to the Tower’s opening. Another flash of memory from that June night skittered through his mind “ the feeling of being frozen and helpless. He closed his eyes on the abrupt headache stretching slowly across his temples. He noticed that his breathing had grown labored.
“And you’re still having it?”
“Yes.”
“Every night?”
“Every night.”
His eyes remained shut, and she released his hand, instead wrapping her arms around him from behind, resting her head between his shoulder blades. He relaxed slightly.
“No more nightmares,” she said. “No more guilt. No more shame. I’m done with mine, and you’re done with yours.”
He raised his lids, turning his gaze to the ground below. He was on that ledge again. No, it wasn’t a ledge… On the ground below, there should have been a crumpled body, but there were only patches of snow upon dead lawn. He was contemplating a jump…
Luci’s soothing voice returned to his ears. “You are loved more than you could ever know. And those of us who love you, we don’t blame you for anything, so you have to stop blaming yourself.”
“It’s not that easy,” he answered.
“No, it’s not easy. But deciding to do it - that’s the beginning.”
It may have been hours that they stood there that way. Harry wasn’t sure. He had been playing over the events in his mind, as he’d done innumerable times, but something did feel… different, conclusive. When he noticed that his head was gradually clearing, he turned around inside of the loop of her arms, facing her. For a long time, they simply gazed wordlessly at one another. Then he murmured, “I love you, Luci.”
She smiled faintly. “I want to be worthy of that love.”
“You are,” said Harry.
Sloping her head thoughtfully, she responded, “I will be.”
“There’s one more bit of closure that I need,” he said softly.
She raised an eyebrow.
“I need to visit my parents’ graves. But I need the Pass to do it.”
“It’s yours,” she consented. “I’ll wait here for you until you get back.”
“No, I want you there.”
“Harry, are you sure? Your parents’ graves?”
“You act like you’re an intruder in my life,” he said. “You’re not. You’re part of it. Can’t you see that? I would have slugged anyone else who tried this Tower stunt of yours.”
He was smiling, but Luci was shamefaced and remained uncertain of his invitation.
“But it’s such a personal… thing,” she argued.
“Even the stuff that it seems impossible for you to understand, you get it. Like the nightmares. And you haven’t lost both of your parents, but it’s like you know exactly how it feels. Everything that’s happened to me, it’s made me so alone, but I’m not alone with you. And I need you there.”
Luci inhaled deeply, pursing her lips. “When?”
“Now. But I need Ron and Hermione there too.”
The only graveyard in Little Whinging was about a mile past the park, along Periwinkle Place. The four of them were wandering among the grounds, reading eulogies and searching for Harry’s parents. The winter air was still chilly, but thankfully, it wasn’t long before Ron called, “You lot! Over here!”
Ron was standing motionless, staring down at two meager headstones. Harry came up next to him, noticing that the stones read simply “James Potter” and “Lily Potter,” nothing more. He gasped a shallow breath. Then, overwhelmed, Harry fell to his knees against the moist ground, his glasses jouncing on his nose.
“Come on,” he heard Hermione whisper, and the three of them left him there alone.
He hadn’t wanted them to go, but he was unable to find his voice, in order to ask them to stay. The hot tears were streaming down his face, stinging against the contrast of his frozen cheeks. He could no longer breathe through his nose, so he was gulping frigid air into his already parched throat.
At last, he choked, “Hi Mum, hi Dad.”
He ran his hand through the frostbitten grass that grew over where their bodies were laid. A dull pain behind his eyes threatened his mental clarity. He shook his head, managing, “I did it. Killed Voldemort, that is. I avenged you…” The only response was the wind in his ears. “But it doesn’t bring you back,” he sobbed.
The sun was drawing weary, the clouds collecting shadows. This overcast light lent itself to Harry’s mood, and the reality that he would never see his parents again clutched at his chest. He’d always known it, of course, somewhere inside of him, but there was something very final about being here. He sat there in silence for a while, allowing himself to weep, to unreservedly give in to his emotions.
At length, and after taking in a rattling breath, he said to the ground, “You’ve missed a lot.”
The tears were drying on his skin, and his face felt stiff as he spoke shakily. “It’s not your fault, obviously, but… I feel like I miss you, but can you miss people that you’ve never truly known? I don’t know. But I miss you anyway. I’ve missed… knowing you, I guess.” He sighed. “I’m not making any sense.”
The knees of his trousers were soaked through, so he leaned back onto his trainers.
“Professor Dumbledore is dead, and so is Snape, Mum. I don’t really get it, whatever you had with him, but I thought you’d like to know. He died a hero, actually. Who’d have guessed? Oh, and I got your things, your Head badges and Mum, your engagement ring. I’ll take good care of them. Dad, you have no idea how helpful the Invisibility Cloak has been all these years, so thanks for leaving it… Oh, hey, Sirius is safe! We thought we’d lost him, but he’s back, and Wormtail has paid for what he did to you. He’ll be trapped in an awful place for, well, forever, I guess. And Lupin’s doing great, in love with a really fun girl named Tonks.”
By now, the words were tumbling over each other as they spilled from his mouth. He just knew that his parents could hear him, and he wanted to tell them everything, absolutely everything.
“My best friends are in love,” he went on. “Ron and Hermione. With each other. It was a little weird at first, but now, I don’t mind so much. I’m in love too, actually. Her name is Luci and she’s… wonderful. Really smart, as smart as Hermione. You’d like her. She’s an Auror, but she’s kind of taking a break right now, because she did something slightly illegal to protect me… And as soon as I graduate, I’ll study to be an Auror too. This is our last year at Hogwarts, so it won’t be long… Wow, our last year… I suppose when your life is as hectic as mine has been, time goes by more quickly. I feel a lot older than seventeen, that’s for sure.”
The tears had ceased, and Harry, somehow, was feeling quite hopeful, and incongruously at peace
“I know there’s more to tell you, but so much has happened… Sometimes I feel like I’ll forget it all, like there’s not enough room in my head for all of the memories, you know? Hey, I was in the Triwizard Tournament a few years back! Wasn’t supposed to be, of course, and it was all some scheme of Voldemort’s, but I did sort of win. I tied with this great bloke called Cedric Diggory, and when we got to the Cup, it was a portkey, and Wormtail killed him. Then I sort of dated his ex-girlfriend for a bit. It was really strange, actually. Probably not one of my better moments. I’ve had loads of bad moments… I’ve wasted so much energy being so bloody angry. It took me ages to figure out that loving people was so much easier and so much more effective. But I learn my lessons eventually.” He grinned sheepishly at the headstones. “I’m a lot like both of you, everyone tells me. I’m a little bit cocky like you, Dad, but Mum, you saved my life, and it gave me all of your best qualities too. I’m… really grateful. I wasn’t for a long time, because I was so unhappy and I caused everyone so much pain, but now… I think maybe my life will be… good. And I owe that to pair of you. You may have not been parents for very long, but you were the best parents in history. And I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to honor your sacrifice. Forgive me for not doing it sooner.”
Harry waved his arm towards the three onlookers, summoning them.
“I’ll bring them over, but I won’t officially introduce you “ a bit too mental. Hermione’s got the brown hair, and Luci’s the blonde. If Ron’s a prat, it’s because he’s just lost his mum and his brother; he isn’t really like that.”
“Harry?” asked Hermione, her teeth chattering, despite the fact that she’d conjured a blanket for herself. “Do you… need something?”
Luci and Ron were still standing a few yards away, beneath a tree. Luci was swathed in a quilt, as well.
Harry glanced up at Hermione, beaming. “Yeah, I need you lot.”
“You… you’re… downright cheerful!” said Hermione as she gestured for Ron and Luci to join them.
“Yeah, I feel great,” Harry responded.
“We thought you were…” began Hermione, but she trailed off.
“Luci,” Harry beckoned, as she approached, “come here.”
She crouched down beside him. “Are you OK?”
“Yeah, fantastic,” he answered brightly, reaching for her hand.
Luci furrowed her brow and Ron said, “You sure, mate?”
“You are acting a little bizarre, Harry,” Luci agreed.
“I feel bizarre,” said Harry indolently. “You know, Ron, Hermione, the pair of you have basically gotten me through my life? I had no one, absolutely no one, and you both accepted me and stuck with me through all of it.”
Hermione brushed a strand of her short, curly hair out of her face, replying softly, cautiously, “Well, we love you, Harry...”
Perhaps his disposition was worrying them. “I’m OK,” he said. “Really. Just… I feel like a teenager all the sudden!” He paused. “My parents, they’re gone, but they’ll never really be gone, you know?”
Ron took in a deep breath and sat down across from him on the grass. “Harry, I’ve been awful. I’ve lost my mum, but you’ve lost both of your parents. I’ve had no right to be so harsh.” He looked away. “To any of you,” he added.
Harry shook his head. “Of course you had the right. Loss is loss.”
Everyone was silent for a moment, and Harry ran his fingers over Luci’s left wrist, pale and flawless.
“Not even a hint of a scar,” he marveled.
“Nope,” said Luci nonchalantly.
“Lucky,” Ron commented, touching his fingers gingerly to his own scars. “No disfigurement for you.”
“Visible memories, Ron,” insisted his girlfriend.
“Visible memories. I love that,” chimed Harry’s own girlfriend.
“Scars have their purposes,” Harry agreed, his eyes on the inadequate headstones. He silently promised himself that he’d replace them with something splendid. James and Lily were the real heroes, after all, because they had given him a chance to live. He realized that his mother would never truly know what an extraordinary act of love she had performed that fateful night. And then, for the first time in seven years, Harry was grateful for his scar.