Responsibility. It meant everything and nothing to you. You felt responsible for the world, but did not spare any consideration for yourself.
Loyalty. It was your natural trait. It was what I first loved about you, when we had just met. You knew how to make a girl feel safe. Having you near me meant having something solid to lean on. You would never turn your back on anyone.
Love. I used to know what it meant to you. But now, I am not so sure. Or maybe I am. I know you loved the world. Maybe you loved me. I don’t think you loved yourself. But I am not entirely sure who you loved, or why. I thought you loved the world because your eyes were always so bright and you always had a smile ready – but then, on that day, you seemed sad. I thought you loved me because I made myself see it – in the way you leaned toward me or the way your forehead crinkled in worry when I had to go on a mission for the Order. I thought you didn’t love yourself because you used to think of everyone else before yourself, but then you left and that hurt everyone.
Why did you leave?
I'm sitting here, writing down your traits. I don't want to forget. I never used to think that this would be what occupied my mind. I thought I would be excited over the baby we would have, or the house we would buy.
Then again, why am I writing this down? Who could ever forget you? You were my life. Maybe it's so I can remember - remember that you're gone - instead of fooling myself into thinking you've just gone away for a while. Maybe it's so that I can stay in the past a little longer, and not have to hurt. Thinking about you, everything else just goes away.
Yet, I did know it would come. Because with you, everyone else came first - only then did you think of yourself. If anyone was in danger, you would leap to help, no matter what the risks were. You were invincible to me, to everyone else - even knowing your weakness, knowing that the full moon could destroy you, we never thought you'd be gone.
Mortality. I add. Never seemed that you were mortal. You were like a unicorn among horses. Now I know better. All men are mortal, we all die…no matter how much you care for them.
Swiftness. You were sharp of mind and tongue. You could find a retort as naturally as you breathed. Yet you did not sharpen your tongue on people for the fun of it. You were swift of body - like the wind or a pouncing Jaguar. You always caught me when I tripped, repaired things I had dropped.
I look over the written text and nearly smile. I am using the poetic language that you taught me to love by sharing many afternoons reading aloud in the grass. I think it is fitting, to remember you through your own analogies for other people.
My brown hair falls into my eyes and I brush it away impatiently.
I remember seeing you fight with the Death Eaters, that first time. You were like…a reed bending in the wind. That was how Hermione once said it. She said you would fit in perfectly with the book she was reading. You denied it immediately, but I could see even then that it fits. You looked so graceful. I had never seen anyone flow so easily from one spell to another. I've had years of practice with a wand during Auror training, but you threw spells faster than I ever could. Usually people were stiff as tree trunks, stiff with fear. You weren't. You were so confident, it rattled them. Rattled me.
Confidence. You had confidence in other people, trusted you friends. Put faith in people even when they had none in themselves. You may not have had much self-esteem, but you were just beginning to believe in yourself, when you were killed.
Tranquility. You were calm at the worst of situations. You balanced me off so perfectly. No one else could ever calm me like you could. I'm not sure if I want to find another person like you. It feels too much like backstabbing you.
Even as I write that I know it wasn't entirely true. In some situations you did not keep your cool. But that was just natural. When you saw me in danger, I remember how frightened you looked to my experienced eyes. You were scared for me, if not for yourself.
You were never scared except when you feared for the safety of others. I jot down swiftly. Then you were afraid as though it was you in danger. You didn't fear for yourself, and perhaps...that is why you decided to go on that mission that night. You knew we would still be alive if you were dead, but that you would lose all sense of purpose if we had gone.
I look up from the parchment as the letters blur because of the tears now running down my cheeks. You made me promise that I would not cry when you were about to head out that last time. You had a sense of foreboding about you, one I wasn't accustomed to. I hugged you hard as you left, and you kissed me desperately, and slipped something into my pocket. Then, you told me never to cry because I was too beautiful when I smiled. Then you walked away, and that was that.
I never saw you alive…again. I would have given the world to have gone instead of you. But I had gotten injured, just two days beforehand, and I could barely walk. It was a miracle I made it to the door. Now I know it was because that would be the last time I held you.
A sob escapes my lips and my hand goes to my pocket. I pull out the thin vial. Inside are thin silvery strings I know are memories. I summon a Pensieve and pour in the memories. As a scene appears, I am sucked into the tub. I do not move within the memory - I have seen this memory hundreds of times, tried to memorize these last things you gave me. I am still sitting by the same lake, looking at the same dock with the same tall reeds - the same cattails and the same pine tree. But I am no longer alone. In front of me, I see myself, and you, standing on the dock, dancing slowly to the music you had conjured. I hear you say you love me.
The scene changes, you are on your knee. You have proposed. Tears fill my eyes, as I feel my heart being ripped out. That was only two months ago. We were supposed to be married today. I watch the two of us kiss, and hug tightly.
Then I break out of the memory. I cannot bear it any longer.
As the memory disappears, I feel another presence beside me. I look beside me, and there you are. But your hair is no longer brownish grey, and your skin is no longer warm. You are a ghost, and you know it. You watch me with loving, sad eyes. You look at the parchment in my hand, and read it. You look at me, and I see you're longing to touch me.
"I loved you, Nymphadora," you state. "So I have returned to love you, always."
I now stare at you blankly. It's not like you to return. My brows furrow and fear reaches my heart. This is my worst fear. You have foregone the adventure of death in exchange for a doomed, half-present life as a ghost. I am to blame for this. I am the reason you could not go on, the reason you went on that mission that night.
It's my fault. My breath is halting, and I am doubling over, tears running down my face.
"Yes, it is your fault. I would not have died if you had come. But I still love you, and I am going to stay with you forever to make up for all the times we would not have missed if you had come with me-"
"You- you're not Remus. Remus would- would not talk like that. I know it's my-my…my fault. But Remus would have gone to James, and Sirius and Lily. He wouldn't- he wouldn't come back to haunt me. Remus cared too much, which is why he made me stay at home. Riddikulus!" I shout through my tears.
Your vision bursts into shreds, and I bury my face in my hands. I was tempted to keep the Boggart here, just to see you again for a bit. But I know that would be wrong. I know.
Then why does it hurt me so much?
I turn back to the lake, trip over the wooden planks of the dock, before sitting and curling my toes in the water. I shut my eyes against my reflection - because one week before, you would have been there beside me...and I would have been wearing the first dress of my life for our wedding.
I miss you so much, my immortal lover.
Immortal by guiding ray of sunlight
Chapter Notes: Thanks a million to Kumy for BETAing this, and helping me get rid of the horrid OOCness!