Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Harry Potter series. I do not own Doritos, though I like to eat them.
It all began when everything magical started happening. I was six years old on that fateful, stormy day, when Dudley had his first bag of Doritos. Of course, he wouldn’t share. I wished really hard that Dudley’s chip would try to eat him back, but it came after me! CRASH! Lightning surrounded the house, but I ran outside anyway. The lightning struck the chip. I stood their in horror as Dudley waddled out as fast as his fat little legs could carry him and he fell over in shock as his chip had been burned to a crisp. He started crying like a little girl. I remember it like it was yesterday. My ultimate fear is Doritos. Not Voldemort -- Doritos.
We are sitting on the train as I reflect this, on our way to Hogwarts. Hermione is whispering under her breath. She’s saying, “Ten boxes of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavored Beans? Well I never!” every five seconds because Ron did just that. Bought ten boxes of Bertie Bott’s, anyway.
“Hermione!!” Ron whines.
“Would you like some cheese with that whine? Really Ron, what do you expect? Congratulations? It doesn’t take that much candy to get a stomach ache!” Hermione yelled back.
“Do you two ever stop fighting? We know you guys love each other already so stop trying to hide it by screaming at each other every second of the day!” I scream this a little too loudly. Ron turns a bright shade of red, to match his hair and Hermione glares at me and goes back to whispering under her breath. We don’t talk for the rest of the trip, even when Ron throws up all his candy.
At the Sorting ceremony, we’re witnessing a very nerdy kid who is short with blonde hair, Jonathan Millings, get sorted into Hufflepuff. He’s the type who always has a cold, and he’s sitting kind of close to me, sniffing because he has no tissues. It’s really getting on my nerves. I turn around and glare at him. Another first year pokes him.
“Jon,” he says. (It seems this kid is his friend.) “I think that guy’s glaring at you.”
“REALLY?” I say sarcastically, and Jon turns around.
“Oh yeah, that’s Harry Potter,” he informs his friend.
“Like that matters,” I say back as he does a double-take, stammering my name. “You’ll get over it.”
I hand him a box of tissues that I’ve summoned from some place in the castle. I continue to eat until Dumbledore clears our plates with a swift flick of his hand. He stands up and waits for us to finish talking or complaining about still being hungry.
“This year, the school will have a Muggle invention called a snack machine. It will include Muggle snacks that you know and love so you can enjoy your junk food here at Hogwarts.”
Dumbledore directs at Ron and me -- we suggested it, after all. He proceeds to tell us that we need to use our own money for it, and it will be near the Charms classroom. Well, frankly, duh about the money. Some wizards and witches are so ignorant about Muggle things.
“Wonderful. Now Ronald can throw up all the time!” Hermione groans, rolling her eyes.
“You know I can’t, Hermione,” he retorts, turning red for the second time tonight.
“Hey, cheer up!” I say to him. “It’s a new term. You know what that means: new ways to torture Snape!”
As Hermione begins to mumble something about house points, Ron gives me a devious and satisfied grin and turns back to Dumbledore.
“And last but not least-” he begins, but we cut him off.
“THE FORBIDDEN FOREST IS FORBIDDEN TO ALL STUDENTS, WE KNOW!!”
Dumbledore doesn’t say anything to us, though Snape looks satisfied, I wonder why, and McGonagall looks outraged. He raises an eyebrow and continues.
“Mr. Filch would like me to note that the first years should check the list of banned items, which can be found in his office; it includes dung bombs. He would also like me to tell you that following in Fred and George Weasley’s footsteps will not get you on his good side. I however, think that would be rather entertaining.”
He directs this at the several students who groaned at mention of the ban list.
“Now, off to your common rooms. First years, follow the prefects. Goodnight!”
There is a sudden rush for the door.
“Charms first, Harry,” Ron says to me as Ginny hands him his schedule. He then pauses to think and glares and Ginny. “Gin, aren’t I supposed to be handing these out?”
“Yes, Ronald, but you were too lazy to go get them from McGonagall so I volunteered,” she said to him saucily. She flipped her hair at us and continued to hand Gryffindors their schedules.
“She is so cheeky,” Ron says to me as he glares resentfully at his only female sibling.
“She is not, Ron,” I say defensively.
“What is she then?”
“Hot.” My eyes widen, and it’s my turn to turn red as I realize what I’ve revealed.
“S’okay, mate," he says to me, laughing at my expression. I shift uncomfortably in my chair as Ron continues to laugh at me.
“Oh, shut up.” I dump my orange juice on him and he stops laughing. Success. “Where’s Hermione?” I ask, trying to change the subject.
Ron shrugs.
“You’re a load of help Ron, really. Lavender, do you know where Hermione is?”
Lavender Brown is sitting across from me, writing a letter. The handsome quill that she’s using is pink. Like, hot pink. It’s kind of scary. When she finishes writing, she finally speaks up.
“She’s in the library, ALREADY!” she says, as if Hermione is digging her grave. “You like my quill? It’s from a fwooper bird.” She says this in a great imitation of Hermione’s know-it-all voice.
“It rocks. I’ll read up on that,” I say, totally uninterested. I motion for Ron to get up. “Good-bye, Lavender.”
Ron and I head toward the library. As we walk there, I randomly say something to Ron. “You know what? That stupid little first year, Jon I think, was sniffing AGAIN.”
“Get over it, Harry. Before I have to make an annoying nickname for you, like HARey.”
I glare at him.
“Oh, I will,” I say as we arrive at the library. Hermione’s whispering “Bertie Bott’s Every Flavored Beans” under her breath again.
“What’s your malufunction?” he demands of her.
“Huh?” Hermione says to him, looking up.
Ron throws up his hands and stomps off.
“I was reading up on candy so I can tell Ronald off more,” she tells me brightly. “What’s in his hair?”
“I’ll explain later,” I say and sigh at her. “C’mon, we have Charms.”
As we walk up she continues to complain about things like candy and junk food. Ron is already there, oohing and ahhing at the snack machine. Then I see them. Seamus has them, Parvati has them. Hell, even Ron has them. Lightning crashes upon the school grounds. They all had Doritos. I breathe in deeply and close my eyes.
“What’s wrong, Harry?” Hermione asks
“Oh, NOTHING!!” I scream at her.
“Oh, OK,” she says, and we walk into Charms.
The challenge can be found on the Muggle Net Fan Fiction beta boards. Please review! This has to be done somewhat quickly, by Christmas!