On the Life and Times of Gary the Green
i. In which Gary is born
‘Twas in a small town (a Gnome Town that is),
On an oddly cool, dark morn in June.
Today, gnomes fell upwards (instead of down, see),
And the day was lit up by the moon.
As owls awoke (even though it was day),
And the worms wiggled sideways, confused,
A nice little gnome-girl (name of Billy-Bee),
Woke up her gnome family, enthused.
“Grimp wump!” she grunted (as gnomes cannot speak),
And gestured behind her with haste.
The grown-up gnomes shrugged (well, what would you do?),
And followed small Billy, quick-paced.
A small head was growing (that’s how gnomes are born),
Rising up near the Wummala bean.
They all gathered ‘round (and I’m sure you would too),
For the head growing there was bright green!
“Squeak!” cried the head (as those baby gnomes do).
It seemed mostly normal, at least.
The gnome-chief (a big guy called Minnon-van-Pom),
Didn’t know “ was it alien or beast?
In the end they agreed (lucky for the small bloke),
That this green gnome indeed was a gnome.
They called the gnome Gary (or something like that),
Then the bunch of them took Gary home.
There he was raised (to have good gnome ideals),
And to be a good little gnome son.
He was fed a nice diet (of worms and some fruit),
And was soon taught to hunt, bite and run.
ii. In which Gary isn’t gnomed
But then came the day (t’was a very big day),
When along came some large, angry things.
They were kind of like birds (‘though they didn’t have beaks),
And they didn’t have feathers or wings.
They were kind of like gnomes (if you really must know),
But each with an ugly, small nose.
They had smaller heads (proportionately).
They were monsters, each gnome did suppose.
“Dumb gnomes!” cried one (though no gnome understood),
“Why must they be so darn persistent?”
“I don’t care!” (This one was another, of course),
“But get rid of them, children, this instant!”
It was on this day (quite a fateful day),
That all the gnomes got thrown about.
Until they were lost (and hopelessly so).
On this fact, no gnome had a doubt.
They scrambled and rumbled (and rambled and tumbled).
‘Til by Van-Pom, it could be seen,
That every gnome was there (from the Gnome Town),
Except for poor Gary the Green.
Since gnomes are so stupid (yes, they’re really dumb),
Not one could think of a plan.
To get back dear Gary (wherever he was),
And invite him back into the clan.
Thus Gary (who was, in fact, alone),
Would have to fend for himself.
Because he was green (and most gnomes were brown),
The beasts had all thought him an elf.
iii. In which Gary explores
And so he set out (into the wide world),
To see what was to be seen,
By a little, lone gnome (just like dear Gary),
Who happened to be quite green.
Gary explored (without much of a clue),
All the stuff that was nearby.
He found three mushrooms (yummy to eat),
Three flowers, a tree and a fly.
As the ‘Tater-Head’ man (as a gnome is known),
Wandered further and further away,
He saw many things (like rocks and the sky),
Until the dark end of the day.
When the moon rose (yes, in the night),
Dear Gary then noticed a bug,
It glowed in the dark (not unlike a star),
And it slightly resembled a slug.
“Nguh!” grunted Gary (as gnomes know no words),
And reached out to grab the strange thing.
But before he knew it (and this is quite weird),
The slug-bug had taken wing.
All night, Gary chased it (no, I kid you not),
And when the sun rose in the morn,
The gnome had gone far (almost a mile!),
And then he witnessed a new dawn.
The sun was a’rising (as the sun does),
Over a forest, instead,
Of a garden (for Gary the norm).
He doubted his little gnome head.
The poor guy was stumped (it didn’t take much),
And his little gnome feet were so sore.
What could be done? (Well, he didn’t know),
So instead he sat down on the floor.
iv. In which Gary meets a bird
He’d have sat there forever (no, seriously),
If adventure had not come once more.
From the sky flew a thing (it was some kind of bird),
And picked Gary up in one claw.
“Fapah!” squeaked Gary (then added, “Greh!”),
As the bird flew into the sky,
There was naught to be done (Gary was just a gnome),
So our hero just hung then, up high.
After quite a long time (a very long time),
It seemed the bird needed a rest.
It began to slow down (by a very large tree),
And soon came to land in a nest.
Had Gary been clever (the first of gnome-kind),
He’d know why the bird wasn’t mean,
But had carried him gently (quite odd, is it not?).
See, the eggs in the nest were all green.
Yet our hero did nothing (as clueless was he),
As the bird laid him down with much care.
Then, the beast did take off (but a moment had passed),
And Gary just kept sitting there.
He stared at the clouds (and the birds and the trees),
For many a puzzling hour,
Until an egg jiggled (‘til now, they’d been still).
Thought Gary, his luck had gone sour.
With a fright and a yelp (and a little gnome squeal),
Gary jumped up from his seat.
He turned and he fled (without looking back),
And he ran until ache did his feet!
v. In which Gary is a leader
He ran for a while (quite common of late),
But in his road, all was not clear.
Before long, before him (and right in his way),
Were some things that were standing quite near.
You and I would know (if we had been there),
That the beasts did not pose a threat.
There were just cattle (a big field of cows),
That some giants would soon come to get.
“Moo,” said a cow, (Gary wasn’t quite sure).
“Muguh?” clarified the small gnome.
“Moo,” said another cow (Gary stepped back).
And then, he led them from their home.
See, he hadn’t a clue (being quite a big dolt),
Quite the thing that was happening.
But as he was smart (more so than a cow),
The cows now thought Gary their King.
The herd had all known (as they did have some brains),
That before long they were to be ate.
And they were doomed (where were they to go?),
If they left their escape ‘til too late.
Away Gary wandered (cows trailing behind),
Seen by not a single cow owner,
Until they were far (yes, quite far away),
And to the field wandered a loner.
The Giant jumped, shocked (seeing the trail of cows),
And hollered as loud as he could.
And before very long (just a moment or so),
Many giants emerged from the wood.
“NO!” shouted one (a leader, it seemed),
“MY COWS!” he went on in distress.
But then he was answered (by his large peers),
Contradicted, it seemed, no less!
vi. In which Gary starts a war
What followed was lucky (remarkably so),
As instead of hunting Gary down,
For stealing their cows (which would have made sense),
The giants fought “ there in the town!
Seems some of the group (all of whom owned the cows),
Didn’t like what the leader had said.
And every giant (who lived under him),
All wanted to own them instead.
As the huge battle waged (quite noisy, you know),
And the giants all did all smash each other,
Gary just wandered (obliviously),
Out of that town, to another.
“Moo,” said a cow (on a random whim),
And Gary thought this word so clever.
“Moo,” copied Gary (quite pleased with himself).
He could have gone on for forever.
And go on he did (Gary was on a roll!),
Moo-ing with all of his might.
The gnome didn’t notice (so engrossed was he),
When he walked right into the night.
So then, Gary slept (and I’m sure you would too),
So tired from every pursuit.
He slept there, contented (with dreams full of ‘Moo’),
And the cows all slept too, looking cute.
Though Gary knew not (as was true with most things),
He slept in a meadow, most lush.
And when he awoke (on a beautiful morn),
No danger did make him then rush.
vii. In which Gary finds a home
The meadow was safe (and its beauty divine),
So there, decided the gnome,
With all of the cows (who still thought him Lord),
Gary could make a new home.
But just as he went (feeling very relieved),
To eat a yummy daffodil,
A face did emerge (a face Gary did know),
Peering over the hill.
“Gupak!” cried the other (a voice Gary knew),
“Jaga!” shouted Gary, wide-eyed.
And soon, many more (gnome faces, I mean),
Emerged, all full of gnome pride.
And thus Gary (who was now very glad),
Had found his gnome family once more.
Though he’d been thought an egg (earlier that day),
And started a great Giant War.
So there Gary lived (just like he once had),
And grew up until he was old.
He helped little babies (grown up from the ground).
For a gnome, Gary was brave and bold.
The cows all lived too (saved from their grim fate).
Gary’s village befriended the herd.
The gnomes all dug holes (to live in “ more safe),
So Gary was safe from the bird.
viii. In which Gary’s time is over
Just as every story (yes, every one!),
Will always come to an end,
So must life finish (though it’s sad, I know),
After every twist and bend.
Gary’s came in winter (a cold one it was),
On a fateful, and very dark day.
No one was to know (they couldn’t have known),
A gnome-soul would soon fly away.
He was looking around (near the Wummala Bean),
To find a yummy morning meal.
Before long, he spotted something (a grub),
A grub with a life to steal.
It was a mistake (an awful mistake),
When it didn’t quite catch Gary’s eye,
That the grub was frozen (as hard as a rock),
He choked; then Gary did die.
Though tragic it seems (such a needless death),
Gary died happy, you know.
He led a long life (a long, and full life),
Before he fell, done, in the snow.
He was a great gnome (as far as gnomes go),
The best ever to be seen.
He’d be a legend (if gnomes had them):
The one, the great, Gary the Green.
‘Twas in a small town (a Gnome Town that is),
On an oddly cool, dark morn in June.
Today, gnomes fell upwards (instead of down, see),
And the day was lit up by the moon.
On the Life and Times of Gary the Green : The Ballad of a Gnome by Mind_Over_Matter
Chapter Notes: I’m back with another poem! I’ve been planning this ballad for quite a while now, and the Challenge spurred me into action. It was great fun to write, though the rhythm scheme was quite difficult - I've never worked with one set by somebody else before *Bites lip*.
Disclaimer: Although I do own most of this poem, I didn’t invent all the little details of gnome- or giant-kind. J.K. Rowling did, and for that, I salute her.
And finally: Schmerg_the_Impaler beta’ed this for me, and did a positively brilliant job. Thank you so much, dear Schmergo!