Hi! My name is Nikki and I will am the featured new reporter for this week’s edition! I am a fifth-year Gryffindor from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This whole report/adventure/weird experience started when one day, I got a letter from my dear friend, Archivald Materius, owner of this popular magazine, Witch Weekly. He very kindly asked me if I would do an article for the health section of his beloved magazine. Altough I am in my O.W.L. year of Hogwarts, and I’m suffocating over a pile of yellowish parchment and homework, I decided to do it during my free periods. Then, I noticed all my free periods should be used for studying because examinations were just around the corner, so I decided to do it during my Hogsmeade trip. Somehow, my Headmaster, Albus Percival Wulfric Bryan Dumbledore caught hold of my pecious agreeing letter to Witch Weekly on one of his daily visits to the Owlery. Instead of scolding me for missusing that precious free time for study, he supported my desicion of writing the article, and he even wrote a letter to his great friend at St. Mungo’s, Head Healer Johansen telling him of my visit. That Hogsmeade weekend, after I said good-bye to my friends and drinking a warming bottle of Butterbeer, I went to the Honeydukes backroom and took a Portkey in the shape of a rubber chiken keyring that transported me to Head Healer Johansen’s office.
”...And Nikki, what will your interview be about?” he asked as we paced through the coffee-smelling corridors.
”Well, I’m not so sure,” I said. Crap! I came here and everything and didn’t know what my interview was about. Smack on the head, but no, then they’d think I’m mad and they’d lock me up in a ward with Gilderoy Lockhart.
“What does your article need to be about?” he asked kindly. At least this was an understanding Healer. Maybe if I smacked my head, he wouldn’t lock me up inmediatly.
“Anything related to health,” I said.
“I have a patient who used to work at the Ministry, and she got attacked by a group of Centaurs,” he said. A smile of delight crossed my face. Of couse I knew this woman, of course it was dear Dolores Umbridge!
“That’d be a pleasure!” I answered inmediatly. He smiled and ushered me into a ward on the floor were they lock up crazy people. This would be so satisfying. Ridiculizing Dolores Umbridge in front of all the wizarding community after what she had done? Perfect. Instant success. Payback.
“Here it is,” Healer Johansen said as he opened the ward. “Dolores, you got visit.”
Her room walls were covered with puffy white something and she had some kind of weird white suit. There was a baby blue bed on one end of the room near the window, a bedside table with orange flowers, and a small table with chairs and tons of crossword books and old newspapers. She was doing one of the crosswords when I got there. When she finally noticed me and Head Healer Johansen, she got up and “greeted” us.
“What?” she asked moodily.
“You got visit, Dolores. This girl would like to ask you a few questions,” he informed.
“All right, let her in,” she ordered, or at least she thought. Head Healer Johansen called Trainee Healer Munion, just in case she got a little “weird”...which in common language means “out of control” or “violent”. So, returning to our recont, Trainee Healer Munion was a young guy who graduated with honors from Medi-School. He had lots of freckles, dirty brown hair, and white robes with a green and silver ‘T’ printed on them. He summoned a chair, grabbed a soda can and a pack of chips, and started reading a book that probably weighed more than me.
“Want some?” he asked, offering me chips.
“Sure,” I said. He summoned another can of soda and chips (a delicious Muggle snack, I must say, yeah, they invent some cool stuff) and some Earl Grey tea for Dolores. She sipped a bit of her tea, stretched my hand three of four times, sipped some more, added some instant cream, and we started with the interview.
“So, what is your name, dear?” she asked me, sipping, I mean, slurping some more tea.
“I came to ask you a couple of questions, my name’s Nikki,” I said.
“Delightful. So, go on,” she said, thinking she was in charge. Ha!
So, tell me, Miss Umbridge, how exactly did you get here?
It all started one foggy night a couple of years ago in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Late June or perhaps, early January, can’t remember well. Anyways, some nasty Gryffindor students decided they’d pull a nice, dirty prank on me and the other students. See, I worked as High Inquisitor, I had even more power than Albus Dumbledore in that dirthole of a school and...
Can we continue with the question? The actual fact?
Yes, so the students decided to fake someone had thrown a joke bomb or something in the corridor where my noble office was located. Of course, the other students, fearfull, didn’t dare pass through the corridor, and other students took advantage of this opportunity and commotion to sneak into my office.
Did they?
But of course! I know who it was!
Who?!
It was Harry Potter and his loyal gang of followers!
And what did they do in your office?
Oh, they used it to talk with Sirius Black via my fireplace, the only unguarded one in all that stinky castle.
What could they possibly be talking about with Sirius Black?
I don’t know! Weapons, armies, attacks, boycotts, strikes, complots! A whole bunch of things to sabotage the noble Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge.
Err...did you know he was sacked?
What? Sacked! Cornelius? When?
A year ago.
Couldn’t possibly be! Why didn’t I know? Did you know I holded an important position on the Ministry? Senior Undersecretary. Senior! Young and honorable Percy Weasley was Junior!
Err...interesting...now, what happened that night? When they sneaked into your office...
Oh, yes. I had manually hand-picked noble and wealthy students for the Inquisitorial Squad which is the group of students that helped me catch the misdoings of their fellows. This students catched the ones that were “guarding” the corridor and catched Potter red-handed.
And who was part of the Inquisitorial Squad?
A whole bunch of Slytherin students.
What were the requirements to join that...uhh...delightful and privileged group?
Actually, I just got them because of their position in the social and economic world. One of them was Lucius Malfoy’s own son. See what I mean? I could get in big trouble if he told his father he wasn’t accepted in my group. Others were Pansy Parkinson, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle...
Tell us more about your view of the Slytherin students.
Well, they didn’t have a grain of knowledge, wisdom, or intelligence to be honest. Draco Malfoy and his gang only passed their Defense Against the Dark Arts examinations because I was teacher. He didn’t understand the concepts...not that I knew much about that subject either...just between us.
What do you mean?
The Ministry had ordered me to station myself on Hogwarts and spy on Albus Dumbledore’s plans to erradicate the Minister and take over that position. I was assigned to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts on Hogwarts. The Minister feared Dumbledore would create an army with his students by teaching them powerful spells during their classes and he would take over the Ministry. This fears are highly understandable. Anyways, I was to make all the students read the theories, and they couldn’t do anything practical, no wands, just lesson after lesson. It was kind of a relief for me...I didn’t know what to teach them.
Don’t you think that’s a bit irresponsible?
Yes, indeed, very irresponsible. See, I was raised in a small town in Lithuania. You know, not the best place to be raised. I am Muggle-born, so I thought it was a joke when I got the letter. During my first ten years of innocent life, I studied in a small schoolhouse. We had to share textbooks and everything. I wasn’t liked much during my Hogwarts years either between my other classmates. It was slight better than the schoolhouse, but there wasn’t much to compare.
Tell us more about that night with Harry Potter and Sirius Black.
Sure. I caught Potter red-handed and requested him to tell me the truth. I almost used Veritaserum and the Cruciatus Charm *insert gasp from me*. Well, Hermione Granger, one of the Potter Gang, decided to tell me the truth finally. She said Dumbledore had ordered them to make a weapon to desbank Cornelius instantly. She lead me to the hidden place on the forest with Potter. Then, we encountered upon a mad horde of Centaurs and they attacked me. Filthy half-breeds.
I see...Got any idea on why they attacked you?
Of course, girl! They are insane beasts! Uneducated half-breeds! Idiots! Nerdenthals! I’ve always known Albus Dumbledore gave second chances, but allow those filthy disgraces into his own grounds?! He’s crazy! He even allowed a half-giant to teach!
But...don’t you think a half-giant handles animals well?
What? He needs to check curriculums! See where he was thaught! Get references! Just like any other Headmaster when employing staff! He thaught a third year class with Hippogriffs! Hippogriffs! And you know what is worse?! Young Draco Malfoy got attacked by that beast! Of course he was called to trial. And then, his mother was a deadly and bloody giant. Oh, and he killed a student when he was in his third year. He unleashed a beast or something like that. *it took some minutes to calm her down* Hey, how do you know the giant handled animals?
Err...newspapers...
I see...at least the Daily Prophet did right when publishing that. At least the parents complained. Between us, a couple of years ago, we payed that newspaper to post horrible stories of the Potter kid, just so he would be less-liked. I also sent a couple of Dementors to Surrey, where he lives during the summer, at his Muggle relative’s house. He used the Patronus Charm and of course they got off him and his cousin. But, he had to face an official trial for underage magic, and he got harmless.
You sent Dementors after a defenseless boy?
Yes, you need to take things into your own hands when they get hard and uncontrollable.
Uhh...so you sent Dementors after a poor kid. Comprehensible. *insert me rolling my eyes and sticking my tongue out at her when she wasn’t looking*
You mentioned something about Cornelius Fudge earlier. There are rumors you were involved with him. Is this true?
Not at all, not at all! I was seriously involved with Arnie Shunpike. A true sweetheart, a true sweetheart.
Arnie...who?
Arnie Shunpike! His younger brother, Stan was arrested after I got in here. He used to work as an attendant on the Night Bus. Arnie was and is owner and president of the Night Bus enterprise altogether.
Is Stan Shunpike’s arrest related to a fight you had with Arnie or something like that?
Well, Cornelius somehow learned I broke up with Arnie after a ridiculous fight over the detentions I gave off in Hogwarts so he arrested Stan Shumpike a couple of days later.
Looks like Fudge likes you.
Yes he does. Well, I don’t blame him! *insert me making a disgusted face while she slurped down her tea and her checking her hair*
So...I still need to make a couple of pages more from this...
Yes, now, tell me more about the new Minister of Magic.
His name is Rufus Scrimgeour. Looks like a lion in my opinion. Got a huge mane of grey hair.
Rufus? Scrimgeour? Him? Can’t be! Can’t be! Joel! Joel!
She was calling Trainee Healer Muniun. He just shrugged and asked her what she needed. She asked for today’s paper, he said someone had throwed up in the middle of the corridor of the fifth floor so the newspaper was currently in use. He asked her if she wanted it for later. She said she didn’t. Delightful woman.
So...returning to our bussiness, I want to ask you something else.
What is that?
Some students from Hogwarts have said you used cruel and unorthodox methods when giving detentions. A former student, Lee Jordan, said you used to make them carve their lines in their flesh. Are these rumors true?
Actually, I first implemented this method on Harry Potter. He was spreading lies within the other students about them not being safe if they only read from their book so I decided some hard hand would do the trick. I think it worked, so then I also started using it on other students, such as Lee Jordan. That boy talks way too much.
You got a bit...excited when I told you Rufus Scrimgeour is new Minister. Why?
Rufus. Head of the Auror Office. Well, first off, he is a delightful man. Always very kind and considered. Also, he puts lots of effort in his job. It was just the shock.
Right. The shock. Well, I think we would like to know more about your Hogwarts experiences.
Yes. There was this one time...
Oh, tell us about your ug...your pink cardigan.
I bought it on a yard sale back in Lithuania when I was in vacations visiting my hometown. My old neighboors were moving out so they were selling much of their objects. They told me they bought this in a fair in America during the Second World War. Hold on, was it the Spanish Revolution?
Can you tell me more about Arnie Shunpike?
Yes. I met him at a sale in Scotland. He was looking for some toilet decorations, I was looking for more hair accesories, like my lovely and beautiful cardigan.
Uhh...yeah...lovely and beautiful...could you make us any references of him. Or how does he look like?
Well, he is very handsome. There is this Muggle movie called Napoleon Dynamite. I’d say he looks like Napoleon. His hair is a little lighter, I mean, Napoleon’s hair. Well, Napoleon was a wizard conqueror who ran out of the wizarding world to conquer the world.
Napoleon Dyanmite *insert laugh*. I need to leave now. It was a delightful pleasure to be with you.
Yes, me too. Now leave.
She practically pushed me out of her ward. I walked with Healer Johansen through some corridors until I got to his office again.
“How was the interview, Nikki?”
“Oh, delightful.”
“When will the issue come out?”
“Next week.”
“I’ll be delighted to read it.”
“Yes. You’ll love it.”
I touched the Portkey and felt that ugly spinning sensation. Then, I landed in Honeydukes again. My friends were waiting for me. They fired questions at me until we got to the common room. I told them to read this issue. So, here you got it! Nice issue. Interview with Dolores. Want something more? Suggestions are always open! My owl’s name is Ray and he is light brown! If you see him, send me a letter!
Oh, and as a sidenote, Dolores in Spanish means ‘pain’! Really!
-Nikki
Interview with Dolores by iluvtosurf94
Chapter Notes: Disclaimer: All characters including Dolores are JK's except Nikki, which is me in an alternate world where I am a Hogwarts student and bla, bla, bla...
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