Everybody knew that James loved Lily. I don’t think anybody knew that I loved her too.
Over the years, many people have tried to come up with reasons why I betrayed my friends. Some say that it was because they belittled and ridiculed me. Some say it was because I longed for power. They are wrong. My friends were kind to me, and I never wanted power. The real reason for my betrayal was simple: jealousy.
I think I might have loved Lily for even longer than James did. When she first walked into our compartment on the way to our first year at Hogwarts, I knew there was something different about her. James didn’t figure that out until our third year.
I never bothered Lily like James did. On the contrary, I was quite nice to her. I held open doors, I picked up dropped quills, always motivated by the soft “Thank you” I would get. But my kindness and helpfulness went unnoticed by Lily. She hated me as much as she hated the other Marauders, except for maybe Remus. She thought I was as bad as them.
Oh, how I used to envy Remus. During our fifth and sixth years, he spent so much time with her when I could not. They patrolled the corridors together, performed prefect duties, and were even paired together in Potions. I often wondered if there was anything going on there, though he assured us that there was not.
When Remus got a girlfriend at the end of our sixth year, I thought it would be like heaven. Remus no longer spent so much time with Lily, and Lily was alone often as it was her best friend who Remus was dating. I tried to make the most of those two weeks. But, naturally, James ruined it. Whenever I saw Lily alone and tried to talk to her, James beat me to it. I wasn’t that worried about James going out with Lily. I, like everyone else, firmly believed that big-headed, bullying, pranking James Potter would never have a chance with beautiful, sweet, and smart Lily Evans. Unfortunately, Lily thought of me the same way she thought of James, and when I did get a chance to talk to her, she snubbed me and told me to sod off.
This treatment did not bother me. I was as in love with Lily as ever, and I was sure that if she got to know me, she would love me too. We were absolutely perfect for each other. We would get married, and have adorable babies with those beautiful, emerald-colored eyes. Everyone would tell each other that they had always known that we were destined for each other. We would be perfect. Our life together would be perfect.
I was barely seventeen; I was naïve. I didn’t know that perfection was simply a myth. Back then, it seemed to me that Lily Evans was the definition of perfect. And the only thing standing between me and perfection was my reputation as a troublemaker.
That summer, I vowed that as soon as Hogwarts started, Lily would get to know the real me. She would see how different I was from my friends, how good I was for her.
I tried; I really did. But it seemed that I never got to spend a second with Lily without James being there. He was Head Boy that year, while she was the Head Girl. I saw that they were getting closer. She was gradually warming up to him. I tried to stop it. I tried to get Lily to catch James jinxing Snape, so she would know that he hadn’t changed, that he was the same idiot that he was before. It didn’t work. And when James and Lily started dating right after Christmas, I knew that my chance to be with Lily was almost gone.
I tried to break them up. I tried to bring up the past, to remind Lily what a berk James had been. I tried to get James to start bullying younger students again. I tried everything. But it all failed. James and Lily just seemed to get closer and closer, until James proposed to her on our last day at Hogwarts. She said yes. My chance was gone.
At the wedding, I sat through the ceremony, burning with jealousy. Things were going great for James. He had a great job as an Auror, having been allowed to skip most of the training because of his actions against Voldemort in our seventh year. He was becoming well-known as a man who saved many lives. And now he had Lily. Now he had perfection.
While James was living well, my life was terrible. I had a low-paying job at a store in Diagon Alley. My boss was a cruel man who enjoyed tormenting me. I was growing more and more distant from my friends. I couldn’t stand being around them anymore, as it always reminded me that James had everything I had always dreamed about, everything I had ever wanted. The jealousy was eating me up from the inside. That’s why I did what I did.
About two years after graduation, Lily, James, Remus, Sirius, and I had all joined the Order of the Phoenix. The others joined out of a will to do what was right. I was scared of Voldemort and his followers. I didn’t want to fight them. I only joined because I thought that maybe this would be a chance for me to show Lily that I was just as brave as James was.
Naturally, James was the hero of the Order. Everyone looked up to him. Especially Lily. I began to see how much she adored him. That’s when I completely lost hope that Lily and I could ever be together. The day that James came back from saving someone’s life and Lily looked at him with love and adoration in her eyes was the day I gave up my childish dream of perfection.
A few days after Lily announced her pregnancy, I was sitting in the Leaky Cauldron, attempting to drink away my sorrows as I did most nights. I was minding my own business when Severus Snape walked in, followed by several others that looked pretty shady. Snape walked over to me and sat down. I will never forget that conversation.
“Pettigrew.”
“Snape.”
“Why are you not with your friends? Surely you wouldn’t miss a chance to worship the great James Potter?”
I ignored the jibe. “If those are friends, I’d be better of with no friends at all.”
Snape looked at me intently. His eyes bored into mine. I had a strange feeling that he knew exactly what I was thinking. “Maybe it’s time to make some new friends. I could introduce you to mine. But my friends have certain requirements.”
I leaned forward. I remember thinking that he seemed to be offering me something different from friendship. I wasn’t sure what. “What do you mean?”
His answer was to pull up his left sleeve. On his arm was a tattoo. But not just any tattoo.
The Dark Mark.
I struggled to hide my gasp. Snape, those people with them, they were all Death Eaters! The very people who I was meant to be fighting against wanted me to join them.
“Well, Pettigrew? Are you interested?”
I gulped. What I said next would influence my entire life.
What about Lily? If I said yes, she would hate me. So would everyone. I would be a traitor.
But if I was a Death Eater, I could give them James. I had no doubt that James would be on the top of Voldemort’s hit list. I could tell them where James was. They would kill him easily. Dead men don’t lead perfect lives. And, if I said no, I would probably be a dead man.
I tried to speak bravely. But it came out as a croaky whisper. “Yes.”
Snape stood. “Come to the Malfoy Mansion tomorrow at noon. Do not tell a soul. Act like nothing has changed.” He left. His cronies followed.
One word had changed my life.
But was it changed for the better or for the worse?
I quickly came to believe the latter. I was forced to spy on the Order. I passed on all of their secrets, and if the information turned out to be false, I was tortured mercilessly.
The only good thing that came out of this was that because the Dark Lord shared my hatred of James Potter, he tried everything to kill him. I was often involved in these plots. The Dark Lord knew the reason why I wanted James dead; he found out while performing Legilimency on me. But however much he despised my reason, the end result was enough to satisfy him. He counted on me to tell him everything about James, and in return said that he wouldn’t hurt Lily.
Yet despite this promise, Lily was often involved in the Dark Lord’s battles with James. Three times he confronted them; three times they escaped. The Dark Lord grew more and more frustrated.
When their baby was born, the Dark Lord seemed more eager to get to them. I don’t know why, but I supported him fully. By then, I had gotten a taste of killing and torture. I saw the pain it caused people. I didn’t like it, but my love for Lily was still so strong that I thought James deserved it.
A few days before their son Harry’s second Halloween, James and Lily decided to go into hiding. Everyone knew this, but nobody knew where they were going. I was distraught; I wouldn’t see Lily for a long time. A few hours before they were scheduled to leave, I decided to pay her a visit. I wanted to see her one last time. I got more than I bargained for.
Just after I Apparated onto their street, Sirius found me. I started to make up an excuse, but he stopped me. He had a look in his eyes, the look he used to get when he had a great idea for a prank. He told me that James and Lily weren’t actually going anywhere. They were going to use a Fidelius Charm, and Sirius was supposed to be the Secret Keeper. But Sirius thought he was too obvious of a choice. He wanted me to do it instead.
He presented the idea to Lily and James. James agreed immediately. He would always go along with anything Sirius said. Lily wasn’t so sure. She said that she didn’t want to put me in danger. Those words almost caused me to jump for joy; she really did care! My secret love cared enough about me to not want to put me in danger!
But James ruined my happiness. He put his arm around Lily and assured her that I would be fine. Then he kissed her.
I had seen them kiss before, at their wedding. But never with this much passion, with this much love. I was about to interrupt them when Sirius stopped me. He said that this was their way of trying to reassure each other that everything would be alright.
Any qualms I had had about giving James to Voldemort disappeared. I wanted him dead. I wanted him hurt as badly as this was hurting me.
I told them that I would do it. Lily performed the charm.
I Apparated straight to the Dark Lord’s headquarters and told him. Less than an hour after the secret was given to me, I gave it away. I asked the Dark Lord if he could refrain from hurting Lily as a reward to me. He agreed.
He attacked them on Halloween. The next day, I learnt that the Dark Lord had failed. He was gone. That wasn’t what bothered me. What bothered me was that Lily was dead.
Lily. My sweet, beautiful, Lily. We would have been perfect for each other. Our life together would have been great, much better than her life with James. But now it was over. My chance really was gone.
The next years were a blur. I remember framing Sirius and faking my own death. I remember hiding as a rat with the Weasleys. But none of that, or what happened after, didn’t matter. Because Lily was dead.
My life revolved around Lily. I never had a girlfriend because I was so smitten with Lily. I thought I had a chance. I thought I had a chance at perfection. But James got it instead. James got everything.
Now that Lily is gone, my life’s purpose is gone. I will never have another love. It will always be Lily. It has always been Lily. Always Lily.
Reasons of a Rat by mischeifmanaged93
Chapter Notes: This is an idea that just popped into my head one day, and I ran with it. Hope you like it! If you do, or even if you don't, please review!