Remus buried his head in his hands, his fingers scraping back his sandy hair as he wearily rubbed the back of his stiff neck. He had lost track of how long he had been sitting here, his back pressed against the wall, his knees tucked under his chin. He could feel the beginnings of pins and needles prickling its way through his legs and when he let his head rest back against the wall, the coldness that seeped through the stones and into the warm flesh of his neck caused him to shiver.
Remus often came to the Astronomy Tower to think; he had very quickly memorised the timetable and he now knew exactly when the rooms would be free. In the first three years of his time at Hogwarts, when he was still afraid that the few friends he had made would abandon him as soon as they found out what he was, he had come to the Astronomy Tower to escape. He had sat in the very spot he was now sitting; watching the golden orbs float gently on the air, he would listen to the comforting noise of the clicking machines that studied the ever-changing skies.
Then, Remus had spent his time nervously racking his brain for the excuse he would use for the next full moon; an excuse that he hadn’t already used. Back then he hadn’t been sure whether or not he had convinced Peter, James and Sirius that his mother was sick, and that it was this that caused him to be absent so often. He saw the way that Sirius swallowed hard at breakfast on the morning before the full moon, when he would stammer that he would be off over the next few days. He had hated lying.
It seemed that he hadn’t quite lost the habit of coming to the Astronomy Tower, even long after the Marauders had found out about his lycanthropy. But now, as he sat, pulling his robes tighter about himself to prevent the cold from seizing him further, he found himself not feeling like the nervous fourteen-year-old he had once been. Instead, as he closed his eyes and once again saw the bloodied face of Eleanor Figg in his mind, he found himself trembling slightly - not with the cold, but with a slow, smouldering fury.
Remus’ eyes shot open as he heard the large doors of the Astronomy Tower creak open below him, and the ragged breaths of whomever it was that had entered. Remus shuffled back against the wall in attempt to obscure his feet from view but it was too late; a familiar voice from below called, “You can come out now. I know you’re up there.”
Remus gulped hard as he stood up, turning, leaning over the golden rail of the balconied section that ran round the entire circumference of the tower. Sirius was looking up at him. He had yet to change out of his Quidditch robes, which were smeared with blood and mud, and as he pushed his dark hair from out of his face he said calmly, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere…you disappeared...”
“I just don’t understand why,” Remus began to say, his voice trembling ever so slightly as he began to descend to where Sirius was standing. “I don’t understand why you did it.”
Sirius’ forehead wrinkled in confusion, his eyes narrow and seeking an explanation in Remus’ face.
“And you and James wonder why I’ve never liked Quidditch…” All at once, Sirius understood; his face became dark and rigid as he watched Remus slowly approach.
“I’m not sure I like what you’re accusing me of.”
“Come off it Padfoot. I saw…the whole school saw what happened out there. And now Eleanor is laid up in the hospital wing with a broken nose, and you’re here attempting to excuse what you did.”
Remus had felt the heat behind his words; he felt the way his chest was rising and falling rapidly as he struggled to remain composed. He was, by a long way, the most patient of the Marauders. Even when he was made a Prefect in his fifth year, Remus had continued to let them get away with most things. But today Sirius had crossed the line…this time forgiveness was not going to come easily. Sirius had folded his arms across his chest and was staring at Remus, who was now standing only a little way in front of him.
“I’m not attempting to excuse anything,” Sirius snapped, his voice as strained as Remus’, his eyes fixed on Remus’ face. “I simply wanted to come and find you to…”
“It’s not me you should be apologising to.” Remus began to pace frantically, shaking his head, attempting to rid himself of the face of Eleanor Figg. Yet he could clearly see in his mind the way her blonde hair had strewn across her face as she had fallen, almost lifeless, to the ground. Once more he could see Sirius fly off into the distance, no doubt in an attempt to escape punishment. Remus’ amber eyes were flashing as he struggled to remain calm. “You should be down there, right now-” he pointed to the doors Sirius had entered by, “-You should be down there apologising to her.”
“Why do you care so much whether a stupid little Ravenclaw like Figg should break her nose?” Sirius’ voice was vindictive; this insult had been designed to hurt. A slight smile had begun to creep into the corners of his mouth before he finished, “You don’t have a soft spot for her, do you, Moony?”
Remus could not find it in himself to blush; his face was all ready red with anger. But he could not hide the way his voice was unsteady and uncertain as he shook his head and said, “It’s beside the point. The reason I care so much, Padfoot, is because I could never have believed it…even of you…” The rest of Remus’ words dried on his lips as he saw the way Sirius’ face dropped; the way that the mirth that had been present in his eyes and in the corners of his mouth faded swiftly to be replaced with his characteristically malevolent look.
“Do you honestly believe I could do that?” Sirius’ voice was smooth, cool yet his face remained dark as he blinked steadily at Remus. For a moment Remus could have almost believed that he was mistaken; that he hadn’t seen Sirius fly away when Eleanor had fallen. It would have been so easy to forgive him, like he was used to doing. This argument could all be forgotten and they could return to they way it had been all this week, when he, Sirius, Peter and James had forgotten their previous tension, and reverted to the way they had been for years before.
“I…I…” Remus’ courage seemed to be failing; all conviction seemed to be leaving as he paced backwards and forwards. He wasn’t weak…he couldn’t allow this to happen again; after swallowing hard, he allowed his irritation to wash over him and looked at Sirius, snapping, “Why do you always have to make things so bloody difficult, Padfoot? Why can’t you just admit when you’re wrong? Why won’t you let go of your pride?”
“I have nothing to admit to!” Sirius’ voice had become venomous as his head snapped round, sending his dark hair falling in front of his face. Impatiently he pushed it backwards, muttering something to himself before turning his attention once more to Remus.
“So you deny it, then?” Remus stood, waiting, feeling the air in the Tower grow tense between them. It had been cold before Sirius’ arrival, yet now all around seemed to pulse with heat.
Eventually Sirius leant back against the wall, his eyes unreadable as he articulated slowly, “I have no reason to deny it. I mean, what would be the point? As you have already so helpfully pointed out, the whole school saw what happened.”
“And still you show no remorse?” Remus’ voice wavered with disbelief, his eyes fixed on the face of his friend. Sirius was unreadable as he slumped back against the wall, his eyes drawn to the orbs that were floating languorously in the air. “Do you still believe you have nothing to apologise for?”
“Too quick, Remus…far too quick…” Sirius had barely moved his lips, but Remus had heard the words as he had exhaled them. It was hopeless; Remus could see that now - there was nothing that could be done. He had learned a long time ago just how deep-rooted Sirius’ pride ran; a Black family trait he was yet to rid himself of, despite the loss of his pure-blood fervour. There was nothing Remus could do to make his friend apologise, or even acknowledge, what he had done that afternoon.
“Is this all there is between us now, Moony?” Sirius seemed to be addressing the orbs as he spoke. Remus, shocked by the stillness and softness of Sirius’ words, faltered, his anger forgotten as he said in confused, “What? I don’t understand…”
“It doesn’t matter,” Sirius snapped, his voice regaining its bitter edge as he straightened, thrusting his hands in his pockets with the words, “Well, you won’t have to put up with my little outbursts at all next week…mother has called us home…”
“The letter…” Remus’ voice was full of a shameful concern as he took a step to breach the distance between them. “The letter…this morning…but why?”
For a moment Sirius looked as if he was going to answer; his face softened considerably and he appeared to be swaying in Remus’ direction. Suddenly, as though he had just remembered what had been said between the two of them, he took a step backwards, his eyes gleaming resentfully. “Take an interest now, don’t we? Forgive me if I’m not exactly in the mood to tell you.”
“How can you stand there and act as if this is my fault? You know I can’t stand the way you are…the way you get sometimes. I would never have expected you to do what you did this afternoon. I can’t believe it.”
“And yet you do.” Sirius let out a bark of laughter and kicked open the doors behind him. He paused, the laughter draining from his face, his eyes becoming cold; everything about his expression evinced the distance between them.
“Never fear, Remus!” Sirius bowed low, his dark hair falling in front of his face as he lifted his eyes. He had been mocking him before, yet now his voice became hesitant, his lips barely parted as he said more quietly than before, “Say goodbye to Prongs and Wormtail for me.”
“Sirius!”
His voice was lost as Sirius slammed the door, leaving Remus once again alone in the Astronomy Tower, his mind swimming with hot and harsh words, his eyes frozen on the orbs that floated gently above.
Without you, I'm nothing by Clare Mansfield
Chapter Notes: Remus goes to the Astronomy tower to escape but there is no running away from Sirius this time. Will Sirius admit that what he has done is wrong?