“Do you think there will be éclairs?” Peter asked, his eyes glazing with longing as he and Remus strode down the corridors of Hogwarts. At every corner, the everyday learning of the school seemed to have already stopped (despite the fact that there was at least an hour before the final bell rang) as groups of students from all houses, and of all ages, chattered excitedly to one another about the prospect of Halloween.
“There are always éclairs,” Remus said, trying to hide the yawn that threatened behind a hand. Tomorrow was the day of the Halloween Feast, and the day after that was the full moon. What timing, Remus thought to himself as Peter bounced excitedly beside him. He wished that he could view his monthly transformations as an inconvenience, an irritation, or as James often liked to call it, his “furry little problem.” Ever since the rest of the Marauders had learned to become Animagi in their fifth year, transformations had changed from something to fear to something to almost look forward to. In the beginning, when he was younger and had still to become completely accustomed to the way his body changed, he had gone to the Shrieking Shack to endure the night alone. Now, he couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t been accompanied by the stag, the dog and the rat; he couldn’t remember a time since they had succeeded in becoming Animagi that they had left him to face the moon alone.
Yet sometimes the thought of such company did little in the days leading up to the full moon, when Remus could already feel the burning, the insatiable crawling of the beast lurking just underneath his skin. Remus could sense the silvery strength of the moon growing and he would become quiet and withdrawn, losing his appetite for both food and mischief. As Peter spoke of éclairs, Remus could feel his stomach swim and as they walked through the bustling hallways he felt a terrible aching in his arms and legs that told him that they were preparing to grow and distort.
They walked in silence for a few moments; at least, if Peter was speaking, Remus did not hear him. His eyes were fixed on the floor in front of him as he waited for the wooziness to subside. He inhaled deeply and felt the air soothe his lungs and clear his head; his eyes became focused and his stomach lost the nausea of a few moments before. He glanced down at Peter who seemed, indeed, to have been talking, his mouth moving rapidly as he listed the endless possibilities of what could be served at the feast tomorrow. Remus knew he should pay attention to what his friend was saying, especially as he had now missed a large portion of it, yet as his eyes drifted over the crowds in the corridor, he caught the sight of a familiar face and froze. Peter stopped talking, his eyes drawn to the face of Eleanor Figg, who was smiling as she waved to Remus. Remus swallowed hard and offered a feeble nod in response before turning quickly and walking with Peter in the opposite direction. He hadn’t been quick enough, though; he knew that. He knew that both Peter and Eleanor had seen the way he had flushed fuchsia before turning and walking away.
“You know…” Peter wheezed a little as he attempted to keep up with Remus. Peter was short and a little dumpy and Remus, being the tallest of all four of them, was capable of setting an impressive pace. “You know that Eleanor girl…she’s very pretty…”
“Really?”
He sent a quick glance at Peter, whose lips had curled upwards into a self-satisfied smile; his cheeks were rounded with amusement as he said a little nervously, and “I think you know she’s very pretty, Moony.”
Remus stopped walking and turned to Peter, who was smiling up at him. Had he really noticed how pretty she was? Remus thought back to the first time he had seen her, with wet hair and humming that dull tune. Had it even occurred to him then that he could be attracted to her? Well, that would explain it; the awkwardness, the goose-bumps, the twisted guts. Was that the reason he had reacted the way he had to what Sirius had done? No, he thought to himself, pushing away the thoughts of the way Eleanor had blushed in the hospital wing only days before; he would have been the same no matter who it had been.
“I suppose she is sort of pretty,” Remus offered eventually as they once again began to walk. “But honestly Wormtail, it doesn’t matter, does it? I mean, she wouldn’t look twice at me…”
“But…”
“No, it’s alright. You know I don’t care anyway. I’m not like Sirius and James.” Beside him, Peter nodded in agreement before suggesting, “But maybe…maybe that’s what girls really like?”
“Yes I guess all girls are dying to have a boyfriend who turns into a wolf once a month!” Though his words had been hot, yet Peter didn’t seem to be hurt by them. Remus inhaled deeply in attempt to steady himself once more. Inside him, the beast was already writhing; his temper was always affected this close to a full moon. He found it harder to be passive, to remain calm, and found himself snapping more easily than before. Remus looked down at Peter, who was nervously waiting for Remus to continue speaking. Remus smiled and this seemed to comfort Peter a little; his face became less serious as Remus said, “It doesn’t matter, Wormtail. I think I accepted long ago that me…having a girlfriend…well…it would never be a realistic option, would it?”
“Just seems a little unfair, though…if only there were more girls like Lily…” Peter stopped talking and blushed, stuffing his hands in his pockets and avoiding Remus’ eyes as they walked. It was so secret between Sirius and Remus that Peter had a bit of crush on Lily; she seemed to be the only girl to ever really pay any attention to him. In their second year Sirius had briefly been fascinated by her, but this was something as short lived as the rest of Sirius’ romantic liaisons. Remus had never seen Lily as anything more than a friend, although sometimes he found himself staring at her, transfixed by the way she looked when she laughed. She was kind and understanding. She even remained friends with Severus Snape, who seemed to simultaneously adore and despise her. Remus had long believed that Lily could be the real reason for the hatred between Snape and James.
“Unfortunately,” Remus said as they began to climb the stairs towards the Gryffindor common room, “I don’t think there is another girl in the world like Lily Evans.”
Peter looked up. His embarrassment had disappeared as he asked tentatively, “Do you think she’ll ever go out with him, Moony?”
“Of course she will,” Remus said as they came to a halt in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady. Peter simply nodded in response.
The Fat Lady beamed down at them and as Remus opened his mouth to say the password, she interrupted him with the words, “It’s nice to see everything back to normal, isn’t it? It’s not quite the same without you four making a menace of yourselves…clambering in and out at god-knows what hour…”
Remus looked down, confused, at Peter “ the other boy shrugged.
“What do you mean?” Remus asked.
The Fat Lady, who had so obviously anticipated their ignorance pretended to be surprised as she pressed a podgy hand to her chest and said, “Oh my goodness…don’t you know yet? He’s back, isn’t he? That friend of yours…Sirius Black.”
Of course, he had expected Sirius to return before the feast, but he had thought that maybe he would have owled before he arrived. Remus froze for a moment, hesitating as his mind willed him to say the password. He and Sirius hadn’t exactly parted on friendly terms; would things still be the same now? Sirius’ temper was unpredictable; it could just as easily have been forgotten as it could have been the start of a serious grudge. After seeing Eleanor in the hospital wing a few days ago, seeing the way that she so obviously did not resent Sirius for what had happened at the match, had made Remus realise that he was ready to forgive.
“Ursa Minor,” Peter said eventually and the portrait swung open and allowed them to climb inside to the common room.
“Do you think he’ll be alright?” Peter asked, his voice tinged with concern as they climbed the stairs towards their dormitory. “I mean, whatever it was that called him and Regulus home…it couldn’t have been good, could it?”
“What do you mean, Wormtail?” Remus was a little short of breath from climbing; and somewhere in side he hoped that this was just the effect of the full moon.
“Well…with the things that have been happening…” Peter paused, throwing a nervous glance over his shoulder before stammering, “D…dark things. And with the Blacks, you know, being w…who they are and that…”
Both boys had stopped outside the dormitory door and as Remus felt his wooziness returning, and pressed his palms flat against the door to steady himself. As the colours of his surroundings began to mingle, as his heart tightened painfully within his chest, he heard Sirius’ voice clearly ringing in his ears: is this all there is between us now, Moony?
“No…no…” he found himself muttering, his voice seeming to bubble up his throat as he struggled to steady his breathing.
He felt Peter tug nervously at his robes and ask, “Moony…Moony, are you alright?”
Remus nodded. His head seemed full of a smoke that would not clear as he said with a great effort, “Full moon, Wormtail.”
Without saying another word Peter opened the door of their dormitory, revealing the sight of two figures sat very close together on the bed. Remus staggered into the room, his hands firmly planted either side of him as he watched Peter whisper something frantically to the boys with the lowered heads.
At once both boys looked up; James’ face was full of guilty concern while Sirius rose swiftly to his feet, pushing Peter out of the way in order to breach the distance between them. Remus raised his eyes to his friends face, seeing an angry, purple bruise which had caused one of his eyes to close. The other eye was fixed firmly on Remus’ face and Sirius’ voice was soft and swollen with something Remus couldn’t understand as he asked, “Moony? Moony, can you hear me?”
Finally, Remus’ legs gave way and he crashed to the floor, all limbs. He was so feint; the world was slowly slipping away from him as he felt the fatigue and blackness engulf him. He struggled to focus and saw Sirius rush kneel down on the floor and gather him swiftly to him. Was that Peter on his right? What was it that Sirius had said to James to bring him from the bed to the floor beside him, wrapping a blanket about his shoulders? Remus shivered and for the last time that day he looked up into Sirius’ bruised face, before the faces of his friends slipped away, to be replaced with a pinpricked darkness.
Without you, I'm nothing by Clare Mansfield
Chapter Notes: As the full moon approaches, along with the Halloween Feast, can Remus continue to ignore his attraction to Eleanor? And in Sirius' absence how will Remus cope with his impending transformation?
Chapter Endnotes: Please review if you're reading this. It really does make my day! xxx