It was dark when Remus next opened his eyes. Not the terrifying, pinpricked darkness of before but an early evening darkness that was illuminated by the soft, orange glow of the setting sun that stretched its soft rays through the window, and by the lamps that stood on each bedside table. Remus stretched his arms above his head. His body felt stiff and achy as he yawned, sleep still clinging to his limbs. Someone had removed his robes and shoes after laying him on his bed; he found his tie had also been loosened and the top two buttons of his shirt had been undone. As he attempted to sit up he remembered the faces of his friends as he had fainted; the nervous face of Peter, the concern of James as he had wrapped a blanket about his shoulders and the soft, purpled face of Sirius which was, as always, impossible to read.
Taking the pillow from underneath his head and pushing it up against the headboard, Remus saw for the first time that he was not alone. Across the room sat Sirius, his concentration entirely taken up by the tower of cards he was trying to build on his bed, the Muggle way. His case was flung open beside him on the floor; clothes, books and papers spilling out as if Sirius had started to unpack and thought better of it. Remus watched as Sirius very carefully moved to add another layer to his tower. As he carefully balanced the cards on top of the completed layers, his patience finally left him, and the tower crumbled.
As he made to gather the cards towards him, Sirius looked up and saw that Remus was now awake, sitting up in bed and watching him. After piling the cards together Sirius pulled off his jumper and flung it on the pile next to the bed with the words, “So you finally decided to wake up, did you? Thank god! It’s impossible to do that thing without using magic!”
“Where are Peter and James?” Remus asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Sirius pulled the Marauders Map from his beside table and after scanning it for a moment, he said, “Still at dinner…pigs. I hope they remember to bring me something back! I’m starving!”
“Y…you didn’t go to dinner?”
“Course not! Someone had to stay and baby-sit you.” Remus repressed the urge to roll his eyes. “And besides...” he began, rising from his bed and walking over to the window, “If I had gone there would have been far too many questions. It’s no-one else’s business.”
Remus continued to watch as Sirius turned his attention back into the room and carefully sat down on the end of Remus’ bed, avoiding squashing his feet. A dying beam of sunlight illuminated Sirius’ dark features as he swept his hair from his face. It was now that Remus noticed that the bruises that had been there earlier were gone.
“Did James…?” Remus waved his hand over his face and Sirius nodded.
After a moment of silence, Sirius turned to Remus and said solemnly, “I know you want to ask me Moony.”
“As you said, it’s no-ones business. And I thought…” Remus hesitated, unsure whether it would be wise to continue. “I guessed that maybe I would be the last person you’d want to tell.”
“If you’re talking about that argument then…” Sirius stopped, his eyes drawn to the canopy above Remus’ bed before he said, a little calmer than before, “I’ve been thinking about that…quite a lot actually and, well, I don’t want to carry on that way. “
Remus nodded slowly, feeling more awake now than he had ever been. Something about the way Sirius was talking told Remus that something significant had happened, something important had changed; so as Sirius twisted the sheet beneath him in his hand, turning his eyes tentatively towards Remus, he simply waited for what Sirius was about to say.
After taking a deep breath, the uncertainty from Sirius’ voice seemed to evaporate as he articulated hotly, “I’ve done it, haven’t I? I’ve left them…I’ve left them all. They’d like to think they kicked me out. No doubt that’s what they’re telling people. As if I’d give them that satisfaction! That would imply that I actually wanted to stay!”
“What? Wait, Sirius, slow down. What are you saying?”
At once Sirius was on his feet; his face twisted as a bitter look of triumph crept across his features. His eyes smouldered with a dark satisfaction as he spread his arms and, after laughing manically, he said, “I’ve left them…my family…The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black! I’ve been disinherited…disowned…cut off without a penny! Isn’t it a joke, Moony? Isn’t it the funniest thing you’ve heard all year?”
Sirius seemed almost hysterical as he spoke, one hand clutching at the bed post as he laughed uncontrollably down at Remus.
“What happened?” Remus’ voice was stern and calm. Sirius managed to compose himself, to suppress the laughter that had seized him for long enough to answer coherently.
“That letter? Calling me and darling Regulus home? It seems that my family have been aware for some time now of…changes. Things have been happening Moony…sides are being chosen. Mother wanted a little family gathering to make sure that everyone was on the same page…” Sirius paused and sat down again at the end of Remus’ bed, all the humour he had found in the situation suddenly seeming to escape him as he continued more slowly, “If I had known…If I had had the first idea what was happening I wouldn’t have waited so long…” He trailed off and, after shifting uncomfortably, he continued, “There’s some pure-blood fanatic…calls himself the Dark Lord…seems to be gathering a great deal of influence and power. Apparently he’s become quite cosy with my family already, this Lord Voldemort. Bellatrix seems to know all about him…as does that bloody husband of hers. Death Eaters…what kind of name is that for anyone?”
“Padfoot, you’re losing me here…” Remus’ voice was soft, so as to not provoke Sirius’ temper, which seemed to be bubbling just below the surface. “You saw your cousin when you went home?”
“Oh yes, I saw her.” Sirius’ voice was dark and sinister; his eyes gleamed with a hatred that Remus hated to see. “They were all there…Narcissa…Lucius Malfoy. You remember Lucius Malfoy, don’t you? Made a pet out of Snivellus on our first year?” Remus nodded. Lucius Malfoy had been much older; they had only been at Hogwarts for a few years before he had left. In the short time they had been at Hogwarts at the same time, Snape had seemed to follow Malfoy around to protect himself - in much the same way that Peter had followed the other Marauders around in the beginning.
“And then Bellatrix starts preaching to us all. Telling us that we all need to be clear on our positions as it will soon matter more than ever. Tells us that the Dark Lord will handsomely reward those who are true and pure. I tell you now; this doesn’t seem like the normal, pure-blood fascism…this is something else.”
“The bruises? How did you get them?” To Remus’ surprise, Sirius smiled, leaning back against one of the posts with one of his legs swinging off the bed.
“It seems that a Black isn’t supposed to take the stance I do - pure-blood, half-blood, Muggle-born…what’s the difference? Oh I know I haven’t always thought like this. First year I was a brat…a purist brat. But I’ve changed; I’ve made friends with people whose heritage is different to mine. I’ve lost the fervour…being sorted in Gryffindor did that. I think my parents knew that…all of my sodding family do. They knew what I’d say and do before they even called me home.”
Sirius stopped talking all of a sudden; the smirk that had curled the corners of his mouth seemed to vanish. Remus looked at the boy sitting at the end of his bed, one knee tucked neatly under his chin, the other leg dangling over the side. His hair had grown long, in waves, and now framed his face, which was still lit by the dying orange light. Remus watched as Sirius closed his eyes and allowed his head to loll back against the bedpost, a gesture he commonly used when he grew tired of listening to himself speak.
Finally, after he had been sat like this for a few moments more, he began, “Regulus, however, doesn’t share my views. He, like every other member of my stinking family, seems to view our powers as a right, rather than a privilege. When I told Bellatrix exactly what I thought of this ‘Lord Voldemort’ my little brother shot out of his seat…I guess he thought he could silence me with his fists.”
Remus let out a gasp which caused Sirius’ grey eyes to flutter open. Regulus was a cruel and charismatic boy, it was true, but Remus had always thought that he must be a little like his elder brother at heart.
“I remember my father pulling us apart…don’t worry, I gave that darling brother of mine bruises to rival the ones he gave me! That’s when I told them Remus…” Remus’ skin prickled as Sirius said his name; every time he was called Remus rather than Moony, it always seemed to have this effect. Sirius’ eyes were fixed on Remus’ face, which seemed almost translucent in the half light of dusk. “I told them all that whatever this Dark Lord…this Voldemort was up to…that I wanted no part of it. Whatever it was that he….that they had in mind, I would not rest until I had done everything I could to stop them.”
“What then?” Remus had long ago sidled across the bed towards Sirius, allowing the blanket to slip to the floor.
“Well, you can just imagine how Mother took that…starts shrieking like a banshee…calls me a blood traitor…ha! Like I haven’t been called that before! Orders me to leave…tells me I am no longer her son…that I’m no longer welcome at Grimmauld Place…”
“Oh, Sirius…I’m so-”
“And then…I think I shall always remember this…” Sirius’ voice was distant; his eyes were fixed on Remus’ face, yet they were looking somehow beyond him. That smirk seemed to return and trace his face with amusement as he continued quietly, “I’m going to leave the drawing room and Bellatrix grabs my wrist…she stops me from leaving and looks me square in the eye and says, 'So you have decided?' I yank my arm free and tell her I have and leave.”
Both boys were silent; Remus was now sitting cross legged in front of Sirius who swept his hair from his face once more, before giving a sharp bark of laughter.
“So that’s it now, Moony. I come back here, tell James about it all and just as he tells me I can live with him, you and Peter come in, and you pass out.”
Remus didn’t feel at all embarrassed about this; him fainting before the full moon was a regular occurrence. Yet all feelings of nausea seemed to have left him; the aching in his limbs was forgotten; his head had cleared of the smoke. All he felt now was concern; concern for the friend who, despite his laughter, was now almost completely alone. Remus knew what it was to feel hopelessness; to feel isolation beyond all condolence; and he knew Sirius better than to not plainly hear the hurt behind every manic laugh.
“Can you believe it? Me living with the Potters? I mean, I’ve always seen James as a brother, but living with him…I might kill him!”
Remus laughed for the first time since Sirius had returned, and this laughter seemed to almost be painful for Sirius to hear. At once his brow furrowed, then his grey eyes became wide as in one, swift movement, he breached the distance between them and pulled Remus firmly into his arms.
Remus went rigid; unused to the physical contact, uncertain how he should respond. He expected Sirius to flinch backwards, to pull away as soon as composure hit him, and he realised what he was doing. He did not, however; Sirius’ arms remained tightly around Remus, pressing their bodies uncomfortably close, as his chest fell heavily with each shuddering breath. Without thinking, Remus allowed his arms to snake underneath Sirius’ and to encircle his back. Sirius exhaled deeply, as if he had only just truly begun to breathe, as he buried his face into Remus’ shoulder, his hair tickling the bare flesh of his neck. An undetectable shiver spread its way across Remus’ skin as he inhaled the strange scents of his friend; the washing powder that was used to wash on all the Hogwarts uniforms; a faint, musty smell that Remus assumed was traces of Grimmauld Place; the scent of mud from the Quidditch Pitch; traces of the autumn sun that was swiftly disappearing and leaving the room in an orange-tinged darkness.
Sirius was breathing hard, every breath seeming to take a great deal of effort as Remus simply held him close, allowing him to breathe. Finally, Remus could feel Sirius start to move away, could feel the moment slipping, and he swiftly removed his arms from around Sirius, shuffling backwards a little as he did so. Grey eyes searched Remus’ amber ones, Sirius’ face darker than ever now that the sun had set and night had arrived.
Sirius smiled as Remus shuffled backwards, and his voice was soft as he whispered, “Let’s not argue anymore Moony. I can’t stand it when we don’t talk.” Remus could only nod in reply as Sirius jumped from Remus’ bed back to his own. Remus felt frozen with warmth until he was startled out of his trance by James and Peter entering, their arms piled high with food.
Without you, I'm nothing by Clare Mansfield
Chapter Notes: Remus awakes and Sirius explains what happened at Grimmauld Place.
Chapter Endnotes: Hopefully another chapter to read and enjoy. Let me know what you think xxx