With a heavy heart, Remus finished changing and lifted his extremely heavy trunk over his head, pushing it into the over-head luggage storage, before, slightly exhausted, flopping down onto the seats below. He would be pleased to see his mum and dad again, but apart from their company, Remus usually found the Christmas holidays incredibly lonely. Their house was in the middle of nowhere; it had been impossible for his parents to convince the Ministry that Remus was safe enough to be allowed to live within fifty miles of the nearest village. So it was that they had always lived in a large and incredibly cold house in the middle of a rather desolate and blustery patch of moorland. Remus’ parents knew no-one from the surrounding area, even though they had been living there since Remus had been bitten. People from the wizarding community tended to keep their distance because of what he was; and they could not risk becoming close to any unsuspecting Muggles. And so, after a week at home, Remus always longed to return to Hogwarts and to the friends he had there.
Hysterical noises were coming from all the other carriages; everyone seemed to be excited about returning home and enjoying the holidays. Remus laughed to himself as he watched first-years struggling to pull their trunks. He watched as a small blonde boy, undoubtedly a first-year, attempted to manoeuvre his trunk around an impossibly narrow corner, only to stumble and fall, much to the amusement of a group of sniggering Slytherin girls in the opposite compartment. Remus cursed them under his breath as he moved to help the boy, holding his trunk steady as he clambered to his feet. Something about this nervous first-year struck Remus as familiar; maybe he reminded him of himself in the not-so-distant past.
“Don’t worry about them,” Remus said, smiling in an attempt to reassure the boy, who looked like he might be was about to cry. “They’re only a bunch of stuck up Slytherins. What do they know?”
“Yeah,” the small, blonde boy managed to say as Remus lifted the trunk into the compartment towards which he had been heading. As he did so, Remus heard someone else enter the room and, on turning, he saw to his surprise Eleanor stooping down over the boy to flatten his hair down with the palm of her hand.
“I told you to wait for me…I told you it would be too heavy…” The blonde boy grimaced at her words and it was now, as they stood side by side, that Remus realised why he had struck him as familiar. They both had the same fair hair and the same large, blue eyes.
“Yeah, alright…get off me!” the boy snapped as he pushed her fussing hands away, stuffing his own hands sulkily into his pockets. They even seemed to have the same slight air of petulance.
“Thanks for helping him,” Eleanor said, turning to Remus after sticking her tongue out at the stropping blonde boy. Remus went to speak, but whatever polite responses he had been formulating now evaporated and, instead, he simply smiled and, after giving the boy a brief nod, he turned to make his way back to his own compartment.
“Well, some-one’s feeling sociable today.” Eleanor was following him, and, after a moment of deliberating whether or not he should pretend that he hadn’t heard her, Remus turned and said, “Sorry…I’m just thinking about Christmas and all…”
“Another one of my favourite holidays,” Eleanor offered, still not turning back to return to the boy. She had followed him all the way to his own compartment and now, as Remus turned the corner, he prayed that the other Marauders were not already in there. Remus was relieved to see that the compartment was still empty, and as he sat down he was slightly confused when Eleanor followed him and took the seat opposite.
“That was Sidney, by the way…”
“Sorry?” Remus asked, stilldistracted by the fact that she was now sitting with him, alone.
“The boy? He’s Sidney. My brother. He started in September but already thinks he knows it all. I don’t know if we were all like that…” She paused and, after wrinkling her nose as if the thought offended her, she continued, “I hope I wasn’t.”
If this had been any other time or place, with any other person, perhaps Remus’ social skills would have been better. Maybe he could have offered something funny in response…maybe they could have spoken about starting Hogwarts; exchanged first year stories. But Eleanor was still not leaving and at any minute the others would show up and question him endlessly about what she was doing there.
“How did your Transfiguration essay go?” she asked, leaning back into the chair as though she had no intention of leaving.
“Erm…well,” Remus paused and watched her face carefully as she waited patiently for him to respond. No, he was being silly, he told himself, swallowing hard. After all, why shouldn’t he make the effort to talk to her? She had only ever been pleasant and kind. She had never given Remus a reason to not want to talk and so it was that Remus Lupin finally ignored the niggling feeling of guilt at the back of his mind and replied, “I suppose I’ve done okay, but I had detention so I didn’t do as much work on it as I would have liked to.”
“I wouldn’t have taken you for the rebellious type.”
“Not like James and Sirius, you mean?” Eleanor’s teasing smile disappeared and she shrugged, almost half-heartedly. He had done it again; whenever any girl ever spoke to him, he unconsciously directed the conversation towards James and Sirius. He couldn’t help it; it was a force of habit. And besides, Remus was used to girls being very transparent in their questions on the two more popular boys.
Yet Eleanor seemed almost a little annoyed, and she rolled her eyes before saying, “That’s not what I meant. If you think it’s okay to go around hexing perfectly innocent people…” Remus smiled. It was unusual to come across a girl who actually disapproved of James’ and Sirius’ behaviour. Eleanor blushed, the concern of perhaps having said too much against Remus’ friends clearly written in her face, and in the awkwardness of her words as she continued more tactfully, “What I meant was, maybe you have hidden depths.”
Inwardly, Remus laughed at the irony of what she had just said. If only she really knew of his hidden depths, then there would be little chance she would be speaking to him now. She was here, sitting with him; completely uninterested in either Sirius or James. Here she was, talking to him and him alone. And somewhere deep inside, Remus felt a certain amount of happiness in thinking that maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t as invisible as he was so used to feeling.
“You look different,” she said so suddenly that Remus now became horribly aware of just how alone they were. All around them, from other compartments, voices could be heard joking, laughing, and squealing with excitement. Out of the window, Remus could see yet more students boarding the Hogwarts Express, some of them already removing their robes and loosening their ties. He suddenly became aware of the slightly stale smell that filled the air; the smell of musty clothes, long forgotten pieces of parchment and crisps that had been eaten long ago in this very compartment.
“Different?” Remus managed to eventually say, ending the awkward silence between them. He smiled unconvincingly before joking, “Am I to take that as an insult?”
Eleanor laughed before shaking her head.
“I mean in your normal clothes…you just look different.” Remus looked down at his brown trousers and his somewhat ancient jumper and blushed. “I just suppose we’re not used to seeing each other out of uniform…well, apart from Hogsmeade…” Remus looked up from studying his clothes and it was Eleanor’s turn to blush and suddenly stop talking, as she became acutely aware that she had, perhaps, been talking too much. But Eleanor had had a point; she too looked different. She looked so much older out of uniform. Her figure was no longer swamped by the dark robes that every student at Hogwarts had to wear. Instead, her own clothes seemed to cling tightly to her frame, making Remus uncomfortably aware of every curve in her body. Her hair, although no different to how it had ever been before, seemed all the lighter. For the first time, Remus felt able to look into her eyes; eyes which - he had never realised before - were so light they appeared almost grey. When she smiled, her cheeks flushed with colour. When she shifted in her seat, Remus noticed the way the fabric of her skirt grew tight across her thighs. He had never, in all honesty, noticed a girl in this way before.
“I’m sorry,” Eleanor began, standing. Remus stood too, unsure of what to do. “You obviously want to be left alone. I just kind of saw you and felt you might want to talk…thank you for helping Sidney and all that.”
“No, I’m being rude,” Remus said, suddenly more embarrassed by his rudeness than by the fact that in ordinary clothes, Remus was becoming dangerously aware of how pretty he found her. “I just…sometimes…” He stopped and Eleanor sat back down, patiently waiting for him to continue. “Sometimes I’m not good with people. I get lost for things to say. It’s my own fault, really. I’ve always been like that. It has nothing to do with you.”
Eleanor smiled as if she understood and nodded. Still Remus could not bring himself to sit and, with a certain amount of fascination, he watched as Eleanor produced a piece of parchment from her pocket and began writing something across it. Finally she finished and stood and, after shifting awkwardly on her feet, she held out the parchment for Remus to take.
“It’s my address,” she said, flicking her hair back. “Just in case you wanted to write over Christmas.” Her smile wavered. “I don’t know about you, but I get so bored at home. You don’t have to, obviously. But if you felt like writing, you could.”
Remus tried to say something, but he could only nod in affirmation. Then, as he took the parchment from her, he felt that maybe something else was happening here. Maybe this wasn’t really about writing at all. Their hands touched and a peculiar feeling seemed to seep up his arm. Even if he wanted to, Remus felt he could not bring himself to take the parchment and break the contact. Her hand was so warm and so soft in his; against his skin. Eleanor wasn’t moving; she hadn’t taken her hand away; she hadn’t stepped backwards. She too seemed to have frozen with the heat of that touch and was now inching slightly closer towards him. Without thinking or hesitation, Remus tentatively traced the tip of one of his fingers over the back of her hand. She flinched, but not away; and for one frightening moment, Remus seemed to understand what was happening between them. For one frightening moment, Remus liked what he felt…
“Help me here, Moony,” a voice behind them said; a voice which caused them to spring apart and drop the piece of parchment they had been holding between them. It fell to the ground; to the feet of Sirius, who was standing in the doorway of the compartment. No-one moved.
Sirius said nothing as he stooped to pick up the parchment, turning it curiously in his hand to read what was written there. It seemed that it was this that prompted Eleanor to move, and Remus could not help but catch the scathing looks that passed between Sirius and Eleanor as she said, “Well, I’ll see you after Christmas ,then.”
Remus nodded and she left, pushing her way past Sirius, who, still standing in the doorway, had not moved to allow her to pass. Once again Remus became aware of the laughter from the other compartments; a laughter that seemed to be growing louder all the time. The train gave a jolt and slowly shifted into motion; a shrill whistle alerted the students that they were leaving Hogsmeade station. Sirius stepped into the compartment, his hand extended, holding out the piece of parchment for Remus to take. He took it, his guts twisting with guilt as he shoved it quickly into his trouser pocket.
“If you like her, you like her, Moony,” Sirius said, his voice completely devoid of any feeling as he finally took his seat and loosened his tie. “It’s obvious she likes you. Maybe you should write to her.”
“Maybe,” Remus said quietly, although there was so much more to be said.
Those words would remain unspoken, however, as James rushed into the carriage with Peter, both red-faced and breathless as Peter managed to splutter, “It nearly went without us.”
Without you, I'm nothing by Clare Mansfield
Chapter Notes: As the Marauder's depart on the Hogwarts Express for their Christmas holidays Remus suddenly finds himself very alone with a certain Ravenclaw Chaser...
Chapter Endnotes: Thank you for reading and, if you like it, please review xxx